*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Hound55]

Because people are dense. I rarely accept drinks at the bar these days unless it's from a mutual friend of Spoons and I because a drink is not considered "just a drink" these days...there's this crazy set of expectations attached, which is absurd. I usually just let the DJ buy me drinks, if anyone.

You guys can't even imagine how crazy stalkerish some people at the bar are...and how offended some people get if you won't dance with them. I've had to grab a security guard before because a guy was harassing my friend and started yelling insults at her because she wouldn't dance with him (she had a boyfriend; he didn't care).

It's funny, the cultural differences.

There are places here where they'd be considerably more disappointed if you refused the drink... To the point where fights often start because of it.

At least you have the sense to not accept the drink.

Certainly, buying a drink for a girl doesn't mean she has to go home with you, but if I'm buying you a drink, it's not just because I felt like being nice and blowing even MORE money for no good reason. It's because I'd like to spark up a conversation with you, and perhaps even dance with you.

If you're not interested in the dude, then don't accept his drink. For the most part, I've been rather lucky that if I buy a drink for a girl, I get a little bit of conversation and a dance. I can only really recall one time where I bought a drink for a girl at a bar and she just said "Thanks" and walked off.

Bulls***. You're offering a drink as a courtesy. Offering a drink is not some mutually understood "So, you wanna get with me?" gesture. It is what it is.

Yeah, you're being nice while expecting something in return. That can turn off people.

And nice guys don't usually talk about how nice they are. They just are because it's a right thing to do.

I dunno... I frequently talk about how I'm a nice guy but it's more in a regrettable forlorn tone, because I hate it about myself.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

The bolded sentence is a complete contradiction, you were expecting compensation for the drink. Plus, from what you were saying earlier she tried to get something going with you, she accepted two dates, even asked you to kiss her, those aren't subtle body language things, that's putting it right out there. What more did she need to do? I know you want to let it go now because no one is agreeing with you, but we're just trying to help you out by telling you were you went wrong.

Its not because no one is agreeing with me, and I appreciate the advice, but now I just want to move on from it thats all, i'm not the type to dwell on things so just want to move on is all.

I have seen and spoke to the girl since so its all good.

 

[AndThePickles]

Bulls***. You're offering a drink as a courtesy. Offering a drink is not some mutually understood "So, you wanna get with me?" gesture. It is what it is.

I agree, but some people are outrageous. I'd have no problem accepting a drink as a simple courtesy and having some friendly conversation, but these days I usually just say, "I have a boyfriend" and the person runs away lol. The level of expectation attached is insane. I have had people in the past say, "that's ok, just wanted to buy a drink for a beautiful woman" or something to that extent, which is sweet. However, I don't believe in leading anyone on. I would never pretend that I was single and available. The times that I hate are when people blatantly don't respect the fact that I'm unavailable.

What kills me about people expecting some action is how cheap that makes them appear, which I think really puts a dent in their "getting some" plan. "Oooooh baby, you just spent $6 on a drink for me? Yeah, I'm gonna give it up immediately now!"

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

WAIT A MINUTE!!! Buying a drink doesn't = Da Sex!?!
































J/K

 

[Anubis]

I agree, but some people are outrageous. I'd have no problem accepting a drink as a simple courtesy and having some friendly conversation, but these days I usually just say, "I have a boyfriend" and the person runs away lol. The level of expectation attached is insane. I have had people in the past say, "that's ok, just wanted to buy a drink for a beautiful woman" or something to that extent, which is sweet. However, I don't believe in leading anyone on. I would never pretend that I was single and available. The times that I hate are when people blatantly don't respect the fact that I'm unavailable.

What kills me about people expecting some action is how cheap that makes them appear, which I think really puts a dent in their "getting some" plan. "Oooooh baby, you just spent $6 on a drink for me? Yeah, I'm gonna give it up immediately now!"

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I agree, but some people are outrageous. I'd have no problem accepting a drink as a simple courtesy and having some friendly conversation, but these days I usually just say, "I have a boyfriend" and the person runs away lol. The level of expectation attached is insane. I have had people in the past say, "that's ok, just wanted to buy a drink for a beautiful woman" or something to that extent, which is sweet. However, I don't believe in leading anyone on. I would never pretend that I was single and available. The times that I hate are when people blatantly don't respect the fact that I'm unavailable.

What kills me about people expecting some action is how cheap that makes them appear, which I think really puts a dent in their "getting some" plan. "Oooooh baby, you just spent $6 on a drink for me? Yeah, I'm gonna give it up immediately now!"

Okay i want to clarify as I think people got the wrong end of the stick, I was not expecting sex for buying someone a drink, wasnt even expecting a kiss, just some honesty and to not be lead on, thats all.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I agree, but some people are outrageous. I'd have no problem accepting a drink as a simple courtesy and having some friendly conversation, but these days I usually just say, "I have a boyfriend" and the person runs away lol. The level of expectation attached is insane. I have had people in the past say, "that's ok, just wanted to buy a drink for a beautiful woman" or something to that extent, which is sweet. However, I don't believe in leading anyone on. I would never pretend that I was single and available. The times that I hate are when people blatantly don't respect the fact that I'm unavailable.

What kills me about people expecting some action is how cheap that makes them appear, which I think really puts a dent in their "getting some" plan. "Oooooh baby, you just spent $6 on a drink for me? Yeah, I'm gonna give it up immediately now!"

The irony is if she was going to give it up for a six dollar drink, she'd probably give it up for free.

 

[BlackLantern]

damn

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Bulls***. You're offering a drink as a courtesy. Offering a drink is not some mutually understood "So, you wanna get with me?" gesture. It is what it is.

I never said anything about "you wanna get with me?" for buying a drink, but seriously, a courtesy, for what? Just because? Why would I wanna spend money on someone I don't know just because? I buy drinks for my friends that I'm out with "just because"

Again, I'm not saying that because I buy you a drink you're obligated to go home with me, or even spend the rest of the night at the club with me. But if I do buy you a drink, I would appreciate a little conversation and maybe a dance.

I'm under no illusions that just because I buy you a drink that you're giving up the ass that night, nor do I expect that to be the case. In fact, the times I do buy drinks and get a dance out of the deal, I'm not even mad if I don't see the girl for the rest of the night past that. But if I do buy you a drink, I don't think a small amount of your time for some conversation and perhaps a dance is too much to ask for.

 

[Erzengel]

Okay i want to clarify as I think people got the wrong end of the stick, I was not expecting sex for buying someone a drink, wasnt even expecting a kiss, just some honesty and to not be lead on, thats all.

This can be a tangent into another topic but "Reading Signals". I know that dating can be really a "game", having to read between the lines, can be an annoyance for some people who refuse to do it.

But in your case Jamon, it just seemed like the signs might have been there even before you found out she was with someone else.

 

[ChrisBaleBatman]

Buying a girl a drink isn't automatically going to go anywhere. I always considered it an icebreaker, a gesture to get a dialouge going. With that said...there are hustlers out there that can milk a guy out of a few, often expensive, drinks and lead the guy on that there's a spark between them...then bail on them just before the last call. I've heard a few of those stories.

But, it's kinda something you should probably play by ear. If you have the cash to spare, then it should be no biggie to your pocket. Your dignity will take a hit, but you can walk it off.

 

[BlackLantern]

yea

 

[SuperFerret]

I never said anything about "you wanna get with me?" for buying a drink, but seriously, a courtesy, for what? Just because? Why would I wanna spend money on someone I don't know just because? I buy drinks for my friends that I'm out with "just because"

Again, I'm not saying that because I buy you a drink you're obligated to go home with me, or even spend the rest of the night at the club with me. But if I do buy you a drink, I would appreciate a little conversation and maybe a dance.

I'm under no illusions that just because I buy you a drink that you're giving up the ass that night, nor do I expect that to be the case. In fact, the times I do buy drinks and get a dance out of the deal, I'm not even mad if I don't see the girl for the rest of the night past that. But if I do buy you a drink, I don't think a small amount of your time for some conversation and perhaps a dance is too much to ask for.

You're still looking for something in return. There're always going to be people who'll just take your drink, give you a half-hearted smile, and ignore you. I know I would if I were female and/or drank.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Buying a girl a drink isn't automatically going to go anywhere. I always considered it an icebreaker, a gesture to get a dialouge going. With that said...there are hustlers out there that can milk a guy out of a few, often expensive, drinks and lead the guy on that there's a spark between them...then bail on them just before the last call. I've heard a few of those stories.

But, it's kinda something you should probably play by ear. If you have the cash to spare, then it should be no biggie to your pocket. Your dignity will take a hit, but you can walk it off.

See I never used it as an icebreaker, if I was talking to a girl at the bar and noticed both our drinks were empty I'd ask if she wanted a drink/refill. Never used it as an icebreaker though.

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

I've only bought drinks for girlfriends, that way I knew I was taking them home and what was gonna happen!

 

[AndThePickles]

Okay i want to clarify as I think people got the wrong end of the stick, I was not expecting sex for buying someone a drink, wasnt even expecting a kiss, just some honesty and to not be lead on, thats all.

I wasn't targeting my post towards you, actually. Guilty conscience? haha

I never said anything about "you wanna get with me?" for buying a drink, but seriously, a courtesy, for what? Just because? Why would I wanna spend money on someone I don't know just because? I buy drinks for my friends that I'm out with "just because"

Again, I'm not saying that because I buy you a drink you're obligated to go home with me, or even spend the rest of the night at the club with me. But if I do buy you a drink, I would appreciate a little conversation and maybe a dance.

I'm under no illusions that just because I buy you a drink that you're giving up the ass that night, nor do I expect that to be the case. In fact, the times I do buy drinks and get a dance out of the deal, I'm not even mad if I don't see the girl for the rest of the night past that. But if I do buy you a drink, I don't think a small amount of your time for some conversation and perhaps a dance is too much to ask for.

I can't speak for all women, but I think that with my friends and for when I was single, I would much, much rather a guy just be honest and ask me if I want to dance rather than just try to buy me a drink and THEN say "ok, let's dance."

 

[Erzengel]

I prefer just catching a woman's stare and mouthing the words "You're dead." as an adequate ice breaker.

 

[BlackLantern]

I prefer just catching a woman's stare and mouthing the words "You're dead." as an adequate ice breaker.

the ladies love that one

 

[C. Lee]

From reading the last couple pages, I'm real glad I never did the bar scene.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

This can be a tangent into another topic but "Reading Signals". I know that dating can be really a "game", having to read between the lines, can be an annoyance for some people who refuse to do it.

But in your case Jamon, it just seemed like the signs might have been there even before you found out she was with someone else.

But thats whats confused, why throw the lips on me and start something if she didnt want to get with me in the first place, I think this is why I was initially angry at the outcome, she gave me the signs from an early stage, both my friends and her friends noticed this and told me, then it all somehow fell apart, must have been something I did thats all I think it is.

I wasn't targeting my post towards you, actually. Guilty conscience? haha

Ha ha no, i wouldnt be as confused about this if I was guilty of something!

 

[Erzengel]

But thats whats confused, why throw the lips on me and start something if she didnt want to get with me in the first place, I think this is why I was initially angry at the outcome, she gave me the signs from an early stage, both my friends and her friends noticed this and told me, then it all somehow fell apart, must have been something I did thats all I think it is.

Chalk it up to experience.

Rarely are you going to find someone who repeatedly steps on your foot and explicitly says "I'm not interested in you. I'm seeing someone else."

More often than not, they are going to avoid and distance.

And I'm not saying what she did was right, she probably did put some "interest" vibes your way, but she probably was doing the same thing with the other guy and he won out. That's what dating is, a evaluating, hiring process.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

But thats whats confused, why throw the lips on me and start something if she didnt want to get with me in the first place, I think this is why I was initially angry at the outcome, she gave me the signs from an early stage, both my friends and her friends noticed this and told me, then it all somehow fell apart, must have been something I did thats all I think it is.

Ha ha no, i wouldnt be as confused about this if I was guilty of something!

Didn't you cancel your second date twice? Then the last time she asked for a hug and kiss, you kissed her on the cheek? There's your two big mistakes right there. You could have been saying your liked her, but your actions didn't. She very well could have been interested in you at first, but decided to start actually dating the guy you would didn't cancel dates and kissed her on the lips, instead of the cheek.

 

[Mac_Hine]

Speaking of buying drinks, I was at a bar last week and I was about to order my drink when this cute girl just straight out asked me "Hey so do you want to buy me a drink?". The way she asked it was like she was expecting the free drink. I just turned it around on her and said "wow so is that your pickup line? Does that still work?". Her reaction was priceless and gave me a little bit of an attitude but I just stayed confident and teased her some more. After that we chatted, she wanted to dance with me, made out with me and pushed her phone number on me. So you don't necessarily have to buy a girl a drink at a bar. Just sayin'.

 

[Mac_Hine]

double post

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Didn't you cancel your second date twice? Then the last time she asked for a hug and kiss, you kissed her on the cheek? There's your two big mistakes right there. You could have been saying your liked her, but your actions didn't. She very well could have been interested in you at first, but decided to start actually dating the guy you would didn't cancel dates and kissed her on the lips, instead of the cheek.

Fair enough, the kiss thing wasnt exactly how you are describing it though, but who cares its over now, I dont see the point in going over it or thinking about it anymore, just wanted to make clear I wasnt expecting some 'action' from spending money on her, just some honesty and not to be lead on for a few weeks, if thats expecting too much its expecting too much.