*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Anubis]

Did you tell her that your dad was abusive?

 

[LastSunrise1981]

Did you tell her that your dad was abusive?

No, simply because that would be a lie. My dad has never been abusive. My mother and him argued a lot but he's never laid a finger on her. When he gets angry he tends to shout and cuss a lot or just keep to himself. I'm the same way honestly I'll yell, swear, and before I even get to that point I'll walk away or go for a drive.

Hell, I've only been in one fight in life and I lost that. What does that tell you?

 

[LastSunrise1981]

It's really hard to go into complete detail through text messages. I'll do it if I have to, but at this stage I feel I shouldn't have to explain myself since she's known me for quite sometime now, has met all of my co-workers, my friends, and a lot of the restaurants I frequent and how waitresses outside of their job react to me.

So again, I honestly feel like this is her issue and not mine. Because I know myself and I know I would never, ever, ever do to her what some assclown did to her.

 

[Anubis]

You never learned the art of the nut shot.

She's probably crazy. Forget about any kind of romantic thing with her. If you like her though, you can still be friends, but you're 29 now. And quite frankly, it's time to stop putting up with the crazy. It ain't worth it. Also, try chicks in their 30's.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I've been talking to this girl for quite sometime now, but yesterday I think may've been the last straw in terms of talking to her. We're both 29 and as of late I've been talking to young women who are around my age range instead of 22, 23, or 24, you know? So we've been talking, I know her parents pretty well, and just recently we went to sing Karaoke.

All in all things seemed to be going pretty well, or so I thought, until yesterday when we were texting each other. Somehow we got on the topic of anger and I said "Well, I have my dads temper when I get angry, but it takes a while to get me to that point." Her response was "That's scary", and then she told me her anger level. But that when she gets angry she never swears or hits people. I said I never hit anyone I just swear a lot whenever I got angry.

So she goes into this story about how now she can't trust me or whatever because she's been abused, choked, and slapped because some guy(s) couldn't control their anger. Now one thing I don't condone and one thing I will never, ever do is hit a woman. I think anyone who hits a woman are cowardly and should be taken into the streets to be beaten by baseball bats.

But I felt hurt that she thought so low of me that she would compare me to someone who hit her. I didn't even know what to say and I'm really considering just ending the friendship and talking for good. Am I wrong for reacting this way?

I'm kind of confused LastSunrise, are you trying to date this girl? Everything in your first post says you two are just friends, you've been talking to her, but it doesn't say anything about going out with her. What does your temper matter? Chick seems crazy, if someone has a temper seems scary to her, everyone has a temper. Age doesn't really matter, younger people can be just as mature as older people.

 

[BlackLantern]

You never learned the art of the nut shot.

She's probably crazy. Forget about any kind of romantic thing with her. If you like her though, you can still be friends, but you're 29 now. And quite frankly, it's time to stop putting up with the crazy. It ain't worth it. Also, try chicks in their 30's.

yup

 

[Anita18]

One thing I've always been is 100% honest with her. This is definitely not an excuse to meet younger women, as of right now? I prefer meeting women in my age range because they have an idea of what they want, more mature, and less and less interested in drama and childish games.

I explained to her "I have my dads temper, but I've never, ever hit anyone and the worse I do is swear." Everyone has a temper, doesn't mean they're going to turn into an abusive monster, you know? I just felt really, really low that she would think that of me personally. She's known me long enough, her parents have known me long enough, and considering the way she's seen OTHER people react around me she should know.

Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet young lady and I do like her. I think she's an absolutely wonderful person. But when push comes to shove I felt so low to the point that I didn't even really know what to say or how to explain anything. I did my best to assure her that she can always trust me and I gave her my word I would never, ever do anything to hurt her. That is the honest truth. I would never, ever, ever do anything to harm a woman or anyone.

I'm the guy who sees a stray cat in his driveway and will go out there to feed it. I don't like confrontation to begin with so why in the world would I hit a woman? Besides, her family is Puerto Rican and that's just asking to be erased from existence. lol.

But I'm going to give her a few days or give myself a few days and not text her.

The fact that you even mentioned you had a "temper" could get some girls (especially those who have been abused) nervous. But your assurances and later explanations should have made your personality clear, if your interactions with/around her haven't already made it so.

But the fact is also that she's damaged. Maybe her previous bf also assured her that he would never hit her, and she believed him and he didn't show it until later on in the relationship. Many abusers look like perfectly nice people on the outside and even to their friends, but turn abusive on their SOs later. There's no way for her of knowing if that's the case for you, even if you're friends.

So, either you patiently work with her on this, or you move on. And from experience, many people aren't automatically more mature just because they're older.

 

[Mac_Hine]

^exactly, crazy knows no age.

 

[LastSunrise1981]

Just from my experience the 21-24 year old girls are still immature, into the partying lifestyle, and have no idea what they want. I realize now more than ever that older doesn't mean wiser or more mature at all anymore.

I'm really close to just giving up on her because I've never, ever had anyone make me feel so low and I've met some crazies in my life. But this one really takes the cake in terms of the insanity factor.

 

[Anubis]

Pfft, I went to school with this chick who got Molested by her father when she was little. She was banging a 45 year old in high school. My friend, you don't know crazy.

 

[terry78]

Pfft, I went to school with this chick who got Molested by her father when she was little. She was banging a 45 year old in high school. My friend, you don't know crazy.

Great, now everytime a hot younger chick shows some interest my first thought is going to be who touched her in a bad way when she was little.

 

[Anubis]

As it should. The fun part is realizing that you don't give a s**t. Cougar's are better anyway.

 

[Anita18]

Speaking of which...

http://xkcd.com/796/

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Right, thought I'd update people on my situation, for anyone who missed it I got talking to the girl again at the weekend as I was drinking with friends in a bar were she works and I drink sometimes and the txts have started again, she's been getting back to me frequently so I asked her if she would like to go out this week, she said no because she is busy this week and has a lot on, but she will be in the bar at the weekend having a drink, hinting at me to go down and join her, again I just dont know what to do.

 

[Anubis]

Go have a f**king drink with her. Jesus.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Go have a f**king drink with her. Jesus.

Oh I will be, its just were we go from there that i'm confused about.

 

[Erzengel]

Right, thought I'd update people on my situation, for anyone who missed it I got talking to the girl again at the weekend as I was drinking with friends in a bar were she works and I drink sometimes and the txts have started again, she's been getting back to me frequently so I asked her if she would like to go out this week, she said no because she is busy this week and has a lot on, but she will be in the bar at the weekend having a drink, hinting at me to go down and join her, again I just dont know what to do.

So she's off that day and will be at the bar drinking?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

So she's off that day and will be at the bar drinking?

Yeah thats pretty much what she said, and i'll be going, but just not sure if this means she wants to go out now again or not.

 

[Erzengel]

Seems like a lot of games to me. If you meet up with her and you talk and have a good time but still nothing comes of it, I'd suggest you move on.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Right, thought I'd update people on my situation, for anyone who missed it I got talking to the girl again at the weekend as I was drinking with friends in a bar were she works and I drink sometimes and the txts have started again, she's been getting back to me frequently so I asked her if she would like to go out this week, she said no because she is busy this week and has a lot on, but she will be in the bar at the weekend having a drink, hinting at me to go down and join her, again I just dont know what to do.

If you want this girl as a booty call, you in great shape. If you want a relationship, then you're screwed. That's what this means. If she wanted to date you, she'd make time this week to see you. Her telling you about the bar is, she'll probably be horny this weekend drinking with friends and want someone to play with when the night is done. You're the backup lay that's all.

 

[AndThePickles]

If she wanted to go out with you, she'd say she was free at some point over the weekend, which she likely is. The bar thing is just her being polite. On to the next one!

 

[Frodo]

If she wants to be friends with you and you can accept that then that's cool , but all the same, it's time to beat feet.

 

[Mac_Hine]

Yeah dude, it's time to move on. If you want to make things... interesting, show up with another girl to that bar. Fun times!

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

It took me way too long to do, I let her make me think that she changed, but I finally stood up to my ex and called her out on her bs games that she's been trying to play with me. I haven't talked to her now in, I'm not even sure how long.

I started talking to one of the girls in my current theatre show, and we started talking about the rec center on campus and exercise and working out and stuff. She's real athletic, and I've been flirting with the idea off and on of working out, doing cardio, and getting myself in shape. I've taken the occasional walk around the neighborhood (probably a couple times a week), but never gotten myself into a regular routine. So I mentioned to her that we should look into the rec center's hours, and if it's open late enough, her and I should head down to the rec center after our rehearsals.

Due to circumstances in my personal life, I've been doing a lot of self reflection on many aspects of my life, and thanks to a whole new outlook towards myself the past few months, I'm starting to recognize a lot of the faults of my own personality in the past. Lots of self reflection and self improvement going on recently in just about every phase of my life.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

If you want this girl as a booty call, you in great shape. If you want a relationship, then you're screwed. That's what this means. If she wanted to date you, she'd make time this week to see you. Her telling you about the bar is, she'll probably be horny this weekend drinking with friends and want someone to play with when the night is done. You're the backup lay that's all.

Yeah, dont want to be a booty call when I know all her friends and family, would be a bit too awkward and i'm not that type of guy anyway, looks like friends it is but we'll see what happens at the weekend I suppose.