One Ultimatum Universe OOC: Holographic Varient!!

[Optikal]

Name: Spike_x1

The Character You would like to play: Delores Byrdington (aka: Momma Byrd)

Character Bio: She violently supplies the world with moral values, headbutting anything in her path and wielding a giant battle ax against those damn commies and hippies, and especially those f**kers who think that they can get away with wearing socks and sandals.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks):

"Matty, honey! Stop looking at the pornography on the internets." I stumble out of the bedroom and club our kitten in the face with my empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

"But MaAAawm!! How else am I supposed to spank the monkey!? If I do it with my left hand, it even feels like a stranger!" I turn the corner into the family room to find my dearest boy furiously *********ing.

Oh my.

"NO BACKTALK!"

With one headbutt, he's on the ground and crying like a small girl whose vagina is bleeding for the first time. "Aw, did I hurt your two X chromosomes? I know how sensitive yours are."

"...aAugh...I think you gave me a concussion..."

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?! NO F**KING BACKTALK!" And with that, I slam the bottle of magically refilled Jack Daniels down into my son's nuts as hard as I can.

Good to go!

 

[wiegeabo]

Name: wiegeabo

The Character You would like to play: Lieutenant Horatio Caine

Character Bio: Horatio was your typical ginger growing up in a neighborhood of red-haired hating neo-Nazi Hare Krishna. It was a hard childhood of middle-class suburbia and devote religious gang rapings.

Until the Overmind came and took Horatio into the future, giving him the knowledge and tools to fight crime, and immunity for his fair skin against the ravages of sunlight, at the time when everything about the world changes, to set right what once went wrong, and hope that his next leap...will be the leap home...

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"Ok, wer'e here. That's enough," Horatio says as he pulls up in his Hummer and tells the prostitute he just picked up to stop giving him one.

Without even looking at her, he zips up and steps out of the car in slo-motion, the wind suddenly appearing to whip at his jacket. He walks up to the crime scene, still in slo-motion, while the rest of the work continues on at normal pace.

"What have we here Frank?"

Detective Frank Tripp looks up from his notepad and glances back at the body before looking at Horatio. "Well, you've heard the phrase 'Go screw yourself'? That's what this guy died from."

Caine kneels down and looks at the body. Sure enough, the man's cock had been stretched all the way around and shoved up his own ass.

"Hmm..."

"What do you think, Horatio?"

I stand up and reach into my jacket pocket. "I think..." I put my sunglasses on. "that this man is ****ed."

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

 

[Gallagher]

Approved.

Op, IC thread? Or shall I do it? Or is it up already and I just haven't bothered to look?

 

[Optikal]

Coming up!

 

[Gallagher]

Now we need a testicle exploding opening post.

 

[Catman_prb]

Example Of Characters Application:

Name: Catman_prb

The Character You would like to play: Chuck Norris

Character Bio: Chuck Norris was conceived in perdition in a chance meeting between Lilith the First Demon and Bruce Lee. He round house kicked the doctor the delivered him - whereabouts of said doctor are unknown, but he is believed to be in the Saraha Desert circa 2050.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :
The wind blew through the Himalayan Monastry, making the curtains sway. The cloaked figure ran through the halls, eventually reaching a locked door. Opening the first lock with a key on a chain around his neck, he offered up a prayer to God Almighty. Then, taking a silver dagger, he made a deep cut in his hand and spread the blood over the door, in a sacrifice unto Norris. He opened the door.

"我的神，您是需要的!*"

Chuck Norris lowered the hood of his cloak and fixed the monk with his hard eyes.

"Perhaps it would be best for you to leave me alone,"

The monk opened his mouth to say something again, but before he could a fist punched through his chest.

"I warned you,"

[*translated from Tibetan]

 

[Watchman]

Name: Watchman

The Character You would like to play: Teddy "the Real Captain America" Roosevelt

Character Bio: Although thought to have died long ago the government covered up Roosevelt's true whereabouts. For years he has been arm wrestling Cthulhu through out space. Each time he won a new galaxy was created.

After throwing Cthulhu into the sun and then throwing that into a black hole which he ate for lunch he returned to Earth. He's back to protect America from the French, hippies, and Communist Nazis.

Character Photobase:

Off picture: French Hippies

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

A group of multidimensional space pirates from beyond Venus are dealing crystal meth to school children. This looks like a job for one man!

"BULLY!" The pirates look up and scatter in all directions as a submarine falls from the sky. It lands on top of a few of them. The hatch opens up and out pops Teddy Roosevelt holding two chainsaws and riding on top of a bear.

"Yarr, its Roosevelt get him!" The pirates open fire but Teddy is able to deflect all the bullets with the chainsaws. Since it takes them ten minutes to reload he makes short work of them. Except for one who grabs a kid and puts a knife to his throat.

"Not one more move Roosevelt or the kid gets it!" With speeds faster than light Teddy throws one of the chainsaws sticking it into the guy's head.

"Wow, thanks Mr. President."

"No problem, Billy, those nasty pirates won't be dealing meth anytime soon."

"Gee, sir, when I grow up I just want to be just like you."

"Well, that's not going to happen." And with that Mr. Roosevelt punted the kid and made a field goal. He jumped on his bear and flew away.

 

[Optikal]

Example Of Characters Application:

Name: Catman_prb

The Character You would like to play: Chuck Norris

Character Bio: Chuck Norris was conceived in perdition in a chance meeting between Lilith the First Demon and Bruce Lee. He round house kicked the doctor the delivered him - whereabouts of said doctor are unknown, but he is believed to be in the Saraha Desert circa 2050.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :
The wind blew through the Himalayan Monastry, making the curtains sway. The cloaked figure ran through the halls, eventually reaching a locked door. Opening the first lock with a key on a chain around his neck, he offered up a prayer to God Almighty. Then, taking a silver dagger, he made a deep cut in his hand and spread the blood over the door, in a sacrifice unto Norris. He opened the door.

"我的神，您是需要的!*"

Chuck Norris lowered the hood of his cloak and fixed the monk with his hard eyes.

"Perhaps it would be best for you to leave me alone,"

The monk opened his mouth to say something again, but before he could a fist punched through his chest.

"I warned you,"

[*translated from Tibetan]

Name: Watchman

The Character You would like to play: Teddy "the Real Captain America" Roosevelt

Character Bio: Although thought to have died long ago the government covered up Roosevelt's true whereabouts. For years he has been arm wrestling Cthulhu through out space. Each time he won a new galaxy was created.

After throwing Cthulhu into the sun and then throwing that into a black hole which he ate for lunch he returned to Earth. He's back to protect America from the French, hippies, and Communist Nazis.

Character Photobase:

Off picture: French Hippies

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

A group of multidimensional space pirates from beyond Venus are dealing crystal meth to school children. This looks like a job for one man!

"BULLY!" The pirates look up and scatter in all directions as a submarine falls from the sky. It lands on top of a few of them. The hatch opens up and out pops Teddy Roosevelt holding two chainsaws and riding on top of a bear.

"Yarr, its Roosevelt get him!" The pirates open fire but Teddy is able to deflect all the bullets with the chainsaws. Since it takes them ten minutes to reload he makes short work of them. Except for one who grabs a kid and puts a knife to his throat.

"Not one more move Roosevelt or the kid gets it!" With speeds faster than light Teddy throws one of the chainsaws sticking it into the guy's head.

"Wow, thanks Mr. President."

"No problem, Billy, those nasty pirates won't be dealing meth anytime soon."

"Gee, sir, when I grow up I just want to be just like you."

"Well, that's not going to happen." And with that Mr. Roosevelt punted the kid and made a field goal. He jumped on his bear and flew away.

Both of you are approved with testicle bursting ferocity!

 

[Optikal]

As I look out upon our fledgling IC thread, I see what was once the blossoming idea of a drunken joke, turn into such a rich and beautiful flower. And I proudly watch the awesomeness shine

 

[Carnage27]

Honestly...I almost just pissed myself reading all these.

I feel like I should join...but I want to do this justice.

 

[Gallagher]

****! Roosevelt! End the game now.

 

[Gallagher]

Okay so Will Smith was only fun for one post.

Name: G-dawwwgggggg

The Character You would like to play: BIG ****ING BOSS

Character Bio: The greatest mother ****ing solider to ever live and the only man in history to ever defeat both Chuck Norris AND Bruce Lee in a triple threat cage match. Master of stealth badassery and CQC.

Big Boss once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"You're the spitting image of Big Boss." Ocelot informed his boss, Solidus, the third son of Big Boss.

Solidus chuckled, inspecting the eye patch he had recently been forced to wear after losing his left eye. "Ha, I guess I am."

Before either man could continue there was a flash of blue light as electricity crackled in the air.

"Oh ****! It's him!" They cried almost in unison as the blue light dissapated. Their, stood before them was the virile, masculine figure of Big Boss.

"I travelled through time to tell you..." He began, his voice instantly making any woman the area reach the point of orgasm. "No one copies Big Boss."

Before anyone knew what had happened Solidus and Ocelot where thrown to the ground, CQC'd so hard their faces where turned inside out.

He gazed at the lifeless figure of Solidus below him and frowned.

"Get up you *****, no son of mine is going to take that ****."

The words uttered by Big Boss allowed the fallen soldier to live once more as Solidus rose to his feet.

"I'm... I'm alive." Soldius stammered before being thrown to the ground with a force so devestating the entire building was demolished.

No one speaks to Big Boss.

 

[Johnny Blaze]

Name: JBizzle

The Character You would like to play: Daron Malakian
Character Bio:
Born in Armenia, Daron got the **** out of there at an early age, moved to LA, the city of hookers and drugs, and started a band with three other Armenian mother ****ers, Serj Tankian, Shavo Odadjian, and John Dolmayan.

Together, with their powers combined, they make up the greatest rock band in the universe, System of a Down. When not on tour literally blowing people's minds, and getting blown by psycho, groupie, cocaine, crazies, Daron spends his time smoking pot, doing coke, drinking heavily, tripping on mushrooms, consuming mass quantities of LSD, downing a ****load of pills, and popping handfuls of beans.
The band lives in their massive palace in LA, where they rule the city kind of like Mad Max meets Little House on the Prairie style, and Daron and the guys spend their time getting into hilarious hijinks with a motley crew of strange and unbelievable personalities.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"**** YOU!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Daron laughed as he slammed his ace of spades down on the king of spades.

"Eat **** and die, you wascally wabbit", Daron shouted as he flicked off Bugs Bunny, who was sitting next to him.

"**** you, Daron", Bugs Bunny frowns as he munches on a carrot.
"You cheatin' bastard! That's twelve games of spades in a row!"

"That's ignorant...ignorant", Michael Jackson, Daron's spades partner, said.
"Why, Daron's not a cheater. He's a good person who'd never cheat or do anything bad. Right, Daron?"

"Huh", Daron looked up at MJ as he did a massive bump of coke off of the blade of his knife.

"What you talkin' bout, Daron", Gary Coleman, Bug's partner, frowned.
"You gonna hog all that blow?"

"Here", Daron said with a friendly smile, handing the knife with coke on the tip to Gary Coleman, "you want some?"

"TOOOOOOO ****ING BAD", Daron screamed as he plunged the blade in Coleman's throat.

"Well, I guess that's the game", Bugs shrugged as Coleman fell back out of his chair, dead, with the knife embedded in his throat.

 

[wiegeabo]

**** the IC thread. The applications alone contain too much awesome for human beings to handle.

 

[Optikal]

okay so will smith was only fun for one post.

name: g-dawwwgggggg

the character you would like to play: big ****ing boss

character bio: the greatest mother ****ing solider to ever live and the only man in history to ever defeat both chuck norris and bruce lee in a triple threat cage match. Master of stealth badassery and cqc.

Big boss once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

character photobase:

sample post (must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"you're the spitting image of big boss." ocelot informed his boss, solidus, the third son of big boss.

Solidus chuckled, inspecting the eye patch he had recently been forced to wear after losing his left eye. "ha, i guess i am."

before either man could continue there was a flash of blue light as electricity crackled in the air.

"oh ****! It's him!" they cried almost in unison as the blue light dissapated. Their, stood before them was the virile, masculine figure of big boss.

"i travelled through time to tell you..." he began, his voice instantly making any woman the area reach the point of orgasm. "no one copies big boss."

before anyone knew what had happened solidus and ocelot where thrown to the ground, cqc'd so hard their faces where turned inside out.

He gazed at the lifeless figure of solidus below him and frowned.

"get up you *****, no son of mine is going to take that ****."

the words uttered by big boss allowed the fallen soldier to live once more as solidus rose to his feet.

"i'm... I'm alive." soldius stammered before being thrown to the ground with a force so devestating the entire building was demolished.

No one speaks to big boss.

name: jbizzle

the character you would like to play: daron malakian
character bio:
born in armenia, daron got the **** out of there at an early age, moved to la, the city of hookers and drugs, and started a band with three other armenian mother ****ers, serj tankian, shavo odadjian, and john dolmayan.

Together, with their powers combined, they make up the greatest rock band in the universe, system of a down. When not on tour literally blowing people's minds, and getting blown by psycho, groupie, cocaine, crazies, daron spends his time smoking pot, doing coke, drinking heavily, tripping on mushrooms, consuming mass quantities of lsd, downing a ****load of pills, and popping handfuls of beans.
The band lives in their massive palace in la, where they rule the city kind of like mad max meets little house on the prairie style, and daron and the guys spend their time getting into hilarious hijinks with a motley crew of strange and unbelievable personalities.

character photobase:

sample post (must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"**** you!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

daron laughed as he slammed his ace of spades down on the king of spades.

"eat **** and die, you wascally wabbit", daron shouted as he flicked off bugs bunny, who was sitting next to him.

"**** you, daron", bugs bunny frowns as he munches on a carrot.
"you cheatin' bastard! That's twelve games of spades in a row!"

"that's ignorant...ignorant", michael jackson, daron's spades partner, said.
"why, daron's not a cheater. He's a good person who'd never cheat or do anything bad. Right, daron?"

"huh", daron looked up at mj as he did a massive bump of coke off of the blade of his knife.

"what you talkin' bout, daron", gary coleman, bug's partner, frowned.
"you gonna hog all that blow?"

"here", daron said with a friendly smile, handing the knife with coke on the tip to gary coleman, "you want some?"

"tooooooo ****ing bad", daron screamed as he plunged the blade in coleman's throat.

"well, i guess that's the game", bugs shrugged as coleman fell back out of his chair, dead, with the knife embedded in his throat.

approved

 

[Johnny Blaze]

'Bout ****ing time.

 

[Optikal]

Wanna get smart tough guy?

You're f-ckin' DENIED!


Ooooh I can't wait for the angry make-up sex!

 

[Johnny Blaze]

Pfft, if this game was as awesome as you claim it to be, people would be able to approve themselves.

 

[wiegeabo]

Hey, you don't talk to Jesus like that! Who do you think you are, Chuck Norris?

 

[Catman_prb]

...Okay someone apply as Jesus.

 

[Batman]

I'm pretty sure Op did.

 

[Johnny Blaze]

Hey, you don't talk to Jesus like that! Who do you think you are, Chuck Norris?

*stab Wieg in the throat with a coke-crusted knife*

 

[Optikal]

...Okay someone apply as Jesus.

I am Jesus!

 

[Optikal]

Name: Optikal

The Character You would like to play: Optimus Prime

Character Bio: Optimus Prime is leader of a bunch of Autobots, massive f-cking alien robots. They got 'mad beef' with the Decepticons and came to Earth when they bored of kicking the sh-t out of each other on theri own planet. Today they get to transform into cars and sh-t in between shooting each other with lasers and huge missiles.

Sometimes they like to save the world too.

Character Photobase:

Sample Post (Must contain three paragraphs, one line of dialogue and wanton use of capital letters and exclamation marks) :

"**** You Michael Bay!" Optimus Prime roared as he threw the famed director into a pylon. Optimus watched with rage in his heart as Michael Bay fried to a crisp.

Optimus clenched his fists as his the corpse landed in the dirt at his feet. Bumblebee, his trusty comrade laid a comforting arm on his leaders steel shoulder. "It's okay Optimus. It's over. It's over".

"It'll never be over Bumblebee. Not until Shia The Beef and the fleshy **** get their revenge. We must have our revenge".

Bumblebee nodded solemnly as over in the distance Skids and Mudflap had a rap battle whilst Jazz breakdanced.Suddenly, Optimus Primes iPhone rang. It was the President himself.

"President Barack Obama, What's the problem?"

"Optimus! Thank God!" The President cried into his phone. "My wife went shopping yesterday and when she picked up the cereal, she decided it was time for Change. She got f-cking Count Chocula instead of Lucky Charms! I hate Lucky F-cking Charms. And to top it off? F-cking terrorists are attacking and I only have this awesome blaster Han Solo sent me as an Inauguration present! Come Quick Optimus!"

Optimus sighed. The President was always getting attacked. Dude was a serious b-tch. Still, Optimus owed the humans much. "Sure thing President Barack Obama. I'll be there in five!"

FIVE MINUTES LATER.
​

"Jump aboard President Barack Obama! We're blowing this joint!"

 

[wiegeabo]

Remember folks, Optimus Prime died for your sins...