Random thoughts of the day

Oh my... I have a feeling I'm going to spend quite a bit of time in this thread.
 
I've never been sent e-mails this hilarious.
 
The Guard said:
Work email. Some of these are pretty funny.



I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.




The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.



There is a great need for sarcasm font.



Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the ***** was going on when I first saw it.




I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.



The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.




I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.



Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.



How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?




What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?



While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.



Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.



I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."



Bad decisions make good stories



Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


Is it just me or do high school girls get ****tier & ****tier every year?


If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.



Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.



There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.



I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.



While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.



I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?



I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.



As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.



Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.



I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.



Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...



My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?



I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.



I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.



The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Click to expand...


:lmao:

WIN. :up:
 
This one happens to me at least once a day:

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
Click to expand...
 
If your pants never get dirty you're not around the right people. ;)

and based on a trip to the zoo, if you get two very large tortoises together they will grunt.
 
redmarvel said:
and based on a trip to the zoo, if you get two very large tortoises together they will grunt.
Click to expand...

Bwahaha! I can totally picture that. Tortoises live for a long time. An old tortoise couple just grunting at each other sounds funny :oldrazz:


(guy tortoise) - grunt?


(girl tortoise) - ................grunt.......
 
So if the worlds on December 21, 2012.... which time zone dies first? Will some zones go before or after? And what about the zones with a whole day delay? :huh:
 
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote" so right before I die, I could say "unquote".

(a Steven Wright Joke)
 
SuperFerret said:
Yes. Their feces and the proliferation of it is one of the main reasons why roaches are so undesirable.
Click to expand...

Hm...... I've never seen them poo. I never let them live long enough to have that one pleasure of their tiny life spans.
 
If you find little grains of "dirt" where you find a bunch of them hiding, that's poo. At least, the poo you can see.

Bed bug poo is so small it floats in the air. You know those times when you just randomly smell **** and don't know where it's from? You just walked through a cloud of aerosolized doody.
 
SuperFerret said:
If you find little grains of "dirt" where you find a bunch of them hiding, that's poo. At least, the poo you can see.

Bed bug poo is so small it floats in the air. You know those times when you just randomly smell **** and don't know where it's from? You just walked through a cloud of aerosolized doody.
Click to expand...
Hmmm...ya learn something new everyday
the_more_you_know2.jpg
 
LOL!

Random thought:

Why is liking you such a weird thing to accept?
 
I woke up late for work. So I rushed to work thinking that all these people would be looking for me... and my office was empty. MLIA
 
Thank god I'm not a woman, cause eggs make me gassy.
 
this blew my mind when i was thinking of it

what if all the planets in the universe were like Atoms and galaxies are cells and God is made up of them :wow:
 
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