Stephen King's Epic "The Dark Tower" - Part 2

[Mysteryman]

This makes me even more disappointed in this. I really wish this could've been good, at least for McConaughey's sake.

Sounds like he came way from it unscathed.
At least critically.

 

[DarthSkywalker]

You are worried about McConaughey? Elba is the one getting screwed here.

 

[StormC]

The McConaissance is over.

 

[FunkMiller]

Spoiler

Roland kills the Walter and blows up Walter's fortress with one bullet (not kidding). Because Jake's mom and step-dad are killed by Walter, Roland takes Jake back to Mid-World to train him to be a gunslinger.

Ah hah ha ha. What a ****ing disaster!

Spoiler

Jake doesn't die at all. Roland is effectively a side character in his own story. Walter dies.

I hope and pray this bombs incredibly hard, so a reboot is possible one day.

....and I know a lot of vitriol will be rightly going Arcel and Rothman' s way, but let's not forget that Stephen King had oversight on this and allowed it to go ahead. He's as ****ing culpable as anyone.

 

[harlequinade]

So many reviews saying McConaughey is so awful it's like he is trying for Razzie. I kinda wanna see it now

 

[FunkMiller]

OMG. The film does not start with The Man In Black Fled Across The Desert. It starts with Jake in New York:

From Verge's review:

King’s series kickoff The Gunslinger starts straight off with its battle-weathered protagonist pursuing a hated enemy across a desert. But Arcel’s Dark Tower attempts to ease newcomers into its world through the point of view of Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor)

 

[Roose Bolton]

Spoiler

Roland kills the Walter and blows up Walter's fortress with one bullet (not kidding). Because Jake's mom and step-dad are killed by Walter, Roland takes Jake back to Mid-World to train him to be a gunslinger.

 

[DarthSkywalker]

OMG. The film does not start with The Man In Black Fled Across The Desert. It starts with Jake in New York:

From Verge's review:

King’s series kickoff The Gunslinger starts straight off with its battle-weathered protagonist pursuing a hated enemy across a desert. But Arcel’s Dark Tower attempts to ease newcomers into its world through the point of view of Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor)

This movie can die in a fire. That's just beyond ridiculous.

 

[StormC]

Sony recently acquired Funimation. So we can look forward to their failed launch of a Dragon Ball Cinematic Universe in the next few years.

 

[FunkMiller]

This movie can die in a fire. That's just beyond ridiculous.

I know, right? One of the greatest literary openings to a book ever, and they've dumped it.

I spoiling the **** out of myself so I'm never even tempted to see this travesty.

Apparently:

Spoiler

Walter has a big laser that he's pointing at The Dark Tower from Algul Siento, which is hooked up to children with 'the shine'. His entire quest is to grab Jake, who is powerful with 'the shine' so the giant laser works better. No Ted. No Dinky. Just Jake. The whole movie is from Jake's perspective (Goldsman's main contributon). Roland is barely in the first act.

 

[Roose Bolton]

What a ****ing **** show. Best thing to hope for is the small possibility that they reboot this whole thing from top to bottom in a couple of years and put out a high end tv series.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Oh my god, reading the spoilers this actually sounds worse than my extremely low expectations. Shocking, truly shocking how bad they have botched this.

 

[Greens]

 

[harlequinade]

OMG. The film does not start with The Man In Black Fled Across The Desert. It starts with Jake in New York:

From Verge's review:

King’s series kickoff The Gunslinger starts straight off with its battle-weathered protagonist pursuing a hated enemy across a desert. But Arcel’s Dark Tower attempts to ease newcomers into its world through the point of view of Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor)

No, it starts with McConaughey and kids hooked up to some machine shooting laser in what is apparently an atrociously shot and put together scene.

So it's much worse than you assumed

 

[Kane52630]

 

[FunkMiller]

Just one percent away from the perfect score...

 

[FunkMiller]

No, it starts with McConaughey and kids hooked up to some machine shooting laser in what is apparently an atrociously shot and put together scene.

So it's much worse than you assumed

Yep. Have read that too now t: I loved the description of Walter's laser looking like a crap version of the one on Starkiller Base.

Though the worst thing I've read is in Scott Wampler's review. He says Walter turns up in somebody's kitchen wearing an apron and cooking himself a chicken dinner.

 

[Perfect Cell]

Sony recently acquired Funimation. So we can look forward to their failed launch of a Dragon Ball Cinematic Universe in the next few years.

Funimation doesn't own Dragon Ball, they're just a distributor. Let us never speak of such evil ideas again.

 

[FunkMiller]

The more I read, the more hilariously awful this thing is sounding.

So... Roland is apparently impervious to Walter's 'magicks' in this movie? Like it's his superpower?

And Roland doesn't actually care about The Tower... he just wants to kill Walter.

Oh, and Roland gets sick and needs medicine like in The Drawing Of The Three, but it has nothing to do with the lobstrosities (or Eddie & Suze, obviously).

How?

I mean, seriously... how?

How does Stephen King allow this?

Wait, don't answer.

It's ****ing money, isn't it?

 

[harlequinade]

Yep. Have read that too now t: I loved the description of Walter's laser looking like a crap version of the one on Starkiller Base.

Though the worst thing I've read is in Scott Wampler's review. He says Walter turns up in somebody's kitchen wearing an apron and cooking himself a chicken dinner.

holy s***!!!

 

[FunkMiller]

holy s***!!!

 

[FunkMiller]

For anyone still thinking this movie is worth seeing, here's the entire plot of the POS cribbed from McWeeney's review:

Spoiler

Jake has dreams. Jake’s dreams are true. Jake goes into the other world. Jake finds the Gunslinger within about five minutes. He takes the Gunslinger to New York. They get more bullets. The bad guy needs Jake. The bad guy takes Jake. The good guy goes to the bad guy’s hideout. They kill the bad guy. Jake and his new dad decide to go have more fun adventures and eat hot dogs together. The end. That’s it. That’s what happens. It allows Jake and Roland a happy ending, and if they never made anything else, you would be well within your rights to assume that this is the whole story. The Dark Tower is saved. There will be no Drawing of the Three. There’s no more Man In Black. Roland is free to return to his world if he wants. There’s not even a Carrie-style sting of the Man In Black returning so we know it’s not over. According to several reports, there was an ending to this that mirrored the moral choice made by Roland in King’s original The Gunslinger novella. That ending is nowhere in sight, and there’s no indication that the film was ever built to end that way. Whatever radical surgeries they performed on The Dark Tower along the way, we can only judge this, the final product, and it is a confounding, weird, oddly impersonal mess.

Also, here's a Reddit AMA with somebody who's seen the film and is a fan of the books. It makes for painfully hilarious (or hilariously painful) reading:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheDarkTower/comments/6r94ux/just_saw_an_advanced_screening_of_the_dark_tower/

 

[harlequinade]

I knew from the first trailer it will suck if only for making the kid the main character. Who the hell cares about some random kid? From decision this poor there was no way this could be good

 

[Rjones1325]

FULL REVIEW HERE: https://www.rendyreviews.com/movies//the-dark-tower-review


Dear Sony, stop releasing movies. Please after that 2014 hack, I think it's time to turn in your towel. You got lucky with Goosebumps in 2015, Sausage Party in 2016, and Baby Driver this past June. I would say Spider-Man Homecoming as well, but we all know that the majority of the heavy lifting came from Marvel Studios. Besides those mentioned films, you guys ****ed up tremendously. For two weeks in a row, you managed to consecutively release steaming pile of garbage (The Emoji Movie) after steaming pile of garbage (The Dark Tower), and I’m tired of it.

Here's the name that you should fear, Akiva Goldsman.I guess every time, I see the name Akiva Goldsman in a credit it just shows how ****** a movie will be. Screw getting excited for a film nowadays. It makes me wonder how does this guy get to find work? Seriously every movie he’s credited for this year have been ending up on my worst of 2017 list to far. You got Rings (one of 3 writers), King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (producer), Transformers: The Last Knight (story or lack there of), and now The Dark Tower another entry in the ****** career of Akiva Goldsman. If Goldsman’s name is in the credits whether its writer, producer, or story, there’s no reason to have faith in it anymore.

 

[Neno_Kos]

This is music for my ears. Rot(hman) in hell, Sony.