luckly i saved it so i can show people the horror!
1. Krypton doesnt explode. Instead its a Naboo rip-off overrun
by robot soldiers, walking war machines, and civil war (can you say,
Star Wars: Episode I?). Jor-El is literally
the king of Krypton and leader of the Kryptonian Senate (thus Superman
is a prince), and he and Lara send Kal-El to Earth because he is "the One"
whom a prophecy states will save
Krypton from destruction (rip-off of The Matrix). The villains, Jor-Els
evil brother and nephew Kata-Zor and Ty-Zor, take Jor-El prisoner and send
probe pods out to find and kill the
baby Kal-El. 14 years later, Lara and her shell-less turtle servant Taga
(shades of Jar Jar Binks) are found by Ty-Zor, and Lara gets tortured to death.
2. Supermans costume is a living entity housed in a can, and it climbs onto
him when he needs it. He first discovers it in a closet when hes 14 (Jor-El
visited Earth and picked the Kents
out to be Kal-Els new parents, leaving them his picture, some S-shield metal
pieces signifying the virtues Kal-El must represent, and the costume), and the
costume rips his clothes off and
stuffs him into itself. So teen Clark is flying around in a suit thats way
too big for him.
3. Lex Luthor is an evil CIA agent obsessed with UFO phenomena.
When Superman reveals himself to the world, Luthor demands that the
government allow him to hunt
Superman down and kill him.
The government refuses, so Luthor allies himself with the evil
Kryptonians out to kill Kal-El
because Luthor himself is an evil
Kryptonian, working undercover as a
human to set up an invasion of Earth!
4. All the Kryptonians get into airborne kung-fu fights straight out of
The Matrix. Even Luthor gets in on the act at the end of the script.
5. An aerial kung-fu fight between Superman and Ty-Zor results in Superman
being lured into a trap: Lois is drowning in a tank filled with
kryptonite. (This begs the question of how there can be kryptonite when
Krypton didnt even explode, but
.) Superman is given a choice: save
her and die from radiation poisoning in the act, or stand by and watch her
drown. So he goes in, saves her, and dies. Jor-El magically senses Supermans
death from across the galaxy, commits hara-kiri
with a rock he sharpens in his prison cell, goes to Heaven, and talks Superman
into coming back to life so he can fulfill the prophecy of saving Krypton from
its civil war. So Supermans soul returns to
his body, and he proceeds to trash Ty-Zor and his cronies. And at the end of
the film, Superman flies off in a rocket to save Krypton (which is where the second
film is planned to take place).
6. A dialogue scene at The Daily Planet implies that Jimmy Olsena horny skirt-chaser
in the comic booksis gay, as Abrams describes him as "effeminate" and Perry White rags
on him for having a boyfriend.