The Big, Big Thread Of Lesbian Subtext

[The Fonz]

mmmm-hmmmm

 

[MaskedManJRK]

So, was the pitch for Grimm Fairy Tales pretty much, "we're going to retell classic fairy tales, only with lots and lots of lesbian subtext"? Because if so, I approve!

Subtlety? I think not!

Anyway, this time it's the story of Hansel and Gretel. You probably know it already, evil stepmother, children run away, gingerbread house, lesbian... LESBIAN!?

Well, bisexual at least. But based on this next scene, I think it's safe to say where unnamed witch's preferences lie...

Surprisingly, "helping out around the house" doesn't involve a French maid outfit. But it's a near thing.

Fortunately, Gretel discovers something while she's "doing as she's told."

Hansel: Gretel, how long has it been?

Gretel: Keep your voice down... it's been five days but I think I have some good news.

Hansel: What? Have you found a way to escape?

Gretel: No, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

If they didn't add how the Witch will "eat" Gretel in a...different way, then I'm massively disapointed.

 

[The Hero]

So when Lost Girls comes out,are you going to scan the entire book and post it here?

 

[MaskedManJRK]

So when Lost Girls comes out,are you going to scan the entire book and post it here?

Lost Girls--isn't that the Moore comic that his wife is drawing?

 

[The Hero]

Three heroines of classic children's literature — Alice from "Alice in Wonderland," Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" and Wendy from "Peter Pan" — meet up in London in 1913 and realize that their respective stories are actually metaphors for sexual awakening. Very erotic. Or, as Moore prefers to think of it, very pornographic.

Suddenly,Alice notices how sexy Dorothy looks in that farm girl outfit.Wendy says it's too hot for them to be wearing so much clothes and begins to undress.Out of nowhere,some heavy bass music starts playing...

Or at least that's what I imagine the first few pages are like.

 

[Zev]

I've lately started to think of Alan Moore as kinda misogynistic. Leaving alone the whole Evey/V dynamic ("Silly girl, you can't get my TOTALLY AWESOME IDEA FOR LIVING IN PEACE AND HARMONY 4 EVAH, so I'm going to lock you in my closet until you agree with me."), there's this.

You gotta give it to Ostrander (and later Dixon) for basically dragging Barbara, kicking and screaming, into the Batman supporting cast and being one of the most positive female role models in comics. And no, I don't count Wonder Woman in that list, because you can get a hernia trying to sort through all the sordid sexual politics of her character. I think the only action she's ever gotten is a few dyke jokes about "Paradise Island."

 

[The Hero]

I've lately started to think of Alan Moore as kinda misogynistic. Leaving alone the whole Evey/V dynamic ("Silly girl, you can't get my TOTALLY AWESOME IDEA FOR LIVING IN PEACE AND HARMONY 4 EVAH, so I'm going to lock you in my closet until you agree with me."), there's this.

I don't have the energy to respond to the V for Vendetta comment,so I'll leave that be for now.

Simone definitely has a point,though I think the choice of Barbara had more to do with her relationship with Gordon and Batman rather than outright misogyny.I don't think Moore hates women.He obviously loves them.Enough to make hardcore lesbian porn featuring them.

Now Frank Miller on the other hand,that guy's got issues.

Alright,let's get off such a serious subject and get back to the meaning of this thread:making immature insinuations about the sexuality of fictional characters.

 

[Zev]

I don't think Moore hates women.He obviously loves them.Enough to make hardcore lesbian porn featuring them.

That's a special kind of love. A very Joe Eszterhas kind of love.

 

[Zev]

 

[Zev]

 

[MaskedManJRK]

Now Frank Miller on the other hand,that guy's got issues.

"OK, Jim, I'm shameless. Let's go with an ASS SHOT."

Misogynistic? Maybe a little.

Hilarious? A hell of a f**king lot!

 

[Zev]

I actually wrote a brief parody of Frank Miller's "style" a while back, with the basic idea of "what if the misogyny was turned on its head? Along with the homophobia?" Sorry I couldn't fit in the priest suspicion, maybe for a sequel... anywhere, here ya go.



PAGE 1

PANEL 1 - Full figure. NIGHTCRAWLER walks - no, STRUTS - through the mansion. Dress him like a PIRATE. One of those bare-chested thing, sashes, cutlass, the whole works. Really detail the chest hair. Make them drool. He is HAPPY Kurt and is therefore whistling a happy tune.

KURT: It's time for An-nnn-imaniacs... and we're zan-ee-y to the max!

PANEL 2 - Inlaid on larger first panel. Kitty, Storm, and some other female X-Men (Jean is dragging along Scott) are stepping out the door. Kurt is sweating a little, yanking on his collar with a forced "is it hot in here or is it just me?" joviality.

KITTY: Hey, Kurt, we're going to see Brokeback Mountain.

STORM: (interjecting) I hear it's really good.

KITTY: (continued) Wanna come?

KURT: Uhhh... no thanks, Kitty. I have lots of homework... maybe some other time.

PANEL 3 - The next day. Another big shot of Kurt, although maybe from a different angle. Put him in a Robin Hood outfit. Make sure his tights are TIGHTS. It'll drive 'em crazy, Jim. His tail swishes behind him merrily. Happy Kurt, very adorable. Okay, Jim, I'm shameless. Have him carrying some really geeky books for all the brainy chicks out there. Maybe some Sartre and Jane Eyre and something by Terry Goodkind.

KURT: (singing to himself, sprinkle some musical notes around his word balloon) Why there's so much to live up to
Expectations are so high
I'm not crying, it's my contacts
There must be something in my
Eye

PANEL 4 - Not so happy Kurt. He stops suddenly, his skin growing pale. He's dropped his books and his tail has gone rigid. Ahead of him, the X-Men are gathered on the couch. On the TV we see Will & Grace.

XAVIER: Join us, Kurt.

CYCLOPS: Yes, join us. Be one of us.

KITTY: One of us, one of us.

KURT: Ehhhhh... not right now, thanks, I just remembered I forgot to, ermm... brush my teeth.

PANEL 5 - The previous shot was over Kurt's shoulder. This one is with the X-Men as they watch Kurt dash off so fast his clothes are left hanging in mid-air. Dazzler is stuffing her face with popcorn.

CYCLOPS: You forgot your books!

KURT: (O.S., tail from around the corner) Keep them!

CYCLOPS: And your clothes!

KURT: (same as before) They didn't fit!

PANEL 6 - Kurt, now in tightie-whities, has slammed the door to his room closed. Put a lot of effort into the bulge. Something tells me you can pull that off, Jim. This is a very small shot. He's pressed with his back against the door, making sure it's close. Panting, out of breath. On the verge of a full-on panic attack.

KURT: Whew! Glad I didn't do anything to give myself away...

PANEL 7 - Same as before, only now Kurt is reacting to a new sight. Hands slapped against his face, mouth wide open. Edward Munch's "The Scream," only more anguished.

KURT: (spiked) MEIN GOTT!

PAGE 2 - Full page shot. Kurt's shocked face in full ground, but the majority of the shot is on Dimitri, dressed in a black mesh top and tight black leather pants. The crotch or the ass, your choice, but make sure we can see his nipples. Nothing vulgar.

DIMITRI: Oh, hello Kurt. Just wondering if I could borrow some cologne...

KURT: AYYYYYYYY!

DIMITRI: So is that a no?

PAGE 3 - Upper left-hand corner panel. Establishing shot of the sun rising over the X-Mansion.

CAPTION: The Next Day...

PANEL 2 - The next morning. The X-Men are eating breakfast. Big widescreen shot to establish the setting. Lots of chatter, so leave plenty of room. Dimitri is wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday, only mussed up (his shirt's on backwards). Logan is downing his first beer of the day.

DIMITRI: Has anyone seen Kurt?

LOGAN: Haven't seen the elf since yesterday.

DIMITRI: I wonder what got into him...

Cyclops reads the paper, Jean plays with his hair lovingly as she retrieves a pitcher of orange juice telekinetically.

SCOTT: No mention of us... although there is a rather nasty editorial cartoon that could be interpreted as...

JEAN: If you're done with that, fearless leader, mind passing me the comics section?

Dazzler eats a sugary breakfast cereal as Storm fixes eggs on the stove.

DAZZLER: Anyone else wanna work on a sugar high or can I finish off the Lucky Charms?

STORM: You can have all the preprocessed inorganic junk you like, I prefer my food au natural.

Beast runs through in the background soaking wet, a towel wrapped around him.

BEAST: I don't like to eat clothed food either, my dear.

Kitty is phasing through the ceiling in her pajamas.

KITTY: What smells like wet dog... oh, sorry Hank.

PANEL 3 - Same as before, except Kitty's landed and is snatching some bacon from Storm's breakfast. Kurt has stepped in front of camera. We see his lower back, buttocks, and tail. Really work the ass. Balloons from above. Like an eighteen-year-old wrestler's.

KURT: Mein friends... we need to talk.

PANEL 4 - Close on Kurt's face. He's determined, but anguished. His face is screwed up with courage. He's going to get this out in the open or die trying.

KURT: There's something I've kept hidden from you... something about myself I should've told you all, but I was afraid of how you'd react.

KITTY: (O.S.) C'mon, fearless, we're your friends. We can handle any deep, dark secret you can throw at us.

PANEL 5 - Still tight on Kurt's face. He's in doubt now, thinking of giving up, but he presses on anyhow.

KURT: I hope so. You guys... are my family. I don't want to lose you... ANY of you...

PANEL 6 - Kurt's resigned now. His face falls, waiting for the hammer to drop.

KURT: So I'm just going to tell you.

PANEL 7 - On Kurt's face. No fancy tricks, nothing too exaggerated. Just him. This has to remind the readers why they love him. He's simple and earnest and looks like a drowned puppy being fished out of a river.

KURT: I'm... a homophobe.

PAGE 4 - Group shot of the X-Men, taken aback, their expressions various levels of shock and (unwilling) disgust.

DIMITRI: Say what?

PANEL 2 - Kurt sits down heavily, head in his hands. Kitty half-reaches out to him.

KURT: All my life I've struggled with it, tried to suppress it. I listened to the Rent soundtrack, I watched that Alexander movie... but now I think I just have to accept it. I was born this way. This is who I am.

PANEL 3 - Dimitri is rising out of his seat angrily, Scott sweeping an arm back to hold him off.

DIMITRI: (large letters) Kurt, you unnatural... (smaller font, he's calmed down) have you ever tried not being a homophobe? Have you ever considered that you're really a closet case?

SCOTT: Ease off, Dimitri. Kurt, it took a lot of guts to admit that. And it's true, you are different. But we're all different in our own way. Storm's black, Beast's furry, Logan's Canadian, Jean's into kinky sex... uhhh, forget I said that...

JEAN: I'm already wiping it from their minds.

SCOTT: Thanks Jea-

DAZZLER: MOMMY, DON'T LET THE CLOWNS TAKE ME!

BEAST: DADDY, I WANT A BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!

PANEL 4 - Scott reaching out a hand to Kurt. Kitty is now ruffling his fur whole-heartedly.

SCOTT: Our differences make us special. To say that everyone should think a certain way or feel a certain way about anything is wrong. That's why, even though most of us don't agree with you, we accept you anyway. We're your friends Kurt...

PANEL 5 - Close on Scott and Kurt shaking hands.

SCOTT: (O.S.) And we're PROUD of that.

PANEL 6 - Kurt smiling widely, giving a thumb's up. Happy Kurt once more.

KURT: Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest! Now to go and NOT look at men kissing!

PANEL 7 - Big group hug shot. Everyone laughing merrily.

LOGAN: Well said, elf! Well said!

PAGE 5 - Big shot of Professor X facing us. Hands steepled together in "I am very smart" form. No word balloon, just a big text crawl beneath him.

XAVIER: As hard as it is to believe, the story you're reading is based on actual events. Every day, millions of Americans just like you and me struggle with homophobia - the fear of homosexuality. Because of this disability, they will be barred from working at hair salons, fashion boutiques, Broadway shows... even some nightclubs and lumber yards. They will be unable to read certain slash stories, no matter how well-written. But you can help. If you or someone you love is a homophobe, call the Homophobe Helpline at 1-800-PHOBE. And if you have a friend who's homophobic, support them. It's not easy being homophobic in this day and age. Many are confused and frightened by the world around them. Help us lobby for better representation of homophobes in the media. Homophobes are mostly demonized as terrorists, bigots, and idiots. Why can't we have a wise old mentor who's homophobic? Or a wacky next door neighbor? And lastly, if you're homophobic, remember, you're not alone. Many Hollywood stars like Anthony Stewart Head, Carlos Bernard, and Michael Biehn live and work with homophobia every day. For more information about homophobia, go online at www.homophobehelp.com. And remember... together we have nothing to fear.

PANEL 2 - Lower right-hand corner. A circular headshot of Happy Kurt in a black tricorn hat with a skull and crossbones on it, holding a cutlass. A PARROT rests on his shoulder.

KURT: Avast, ye mateys!

PARROT: It's the ever-loving end!

 

[Zev]

Don't know which day this fits under, so I'm putting it in Sunday, which is rapidly becoming this thread's "catch all" day.

It gets better (read: worse).

Due to his being the Flash, Barry misses his wedding, thus disproving the hypothesis that he did it all for the nookie.

Aww... cheer up, emo costume!

The costume is put in a museum and Barry goes to visit it. And... dear God...

So Barry decides to be the Flash again, *****.

Barry Allen: Makes Batman look sane.

 

[MaskedManJRK]

......

 

[Zev]

And this I should've posted back on Saturday, but I figure we should get it out of the way before we head into page 9.

They're spending the night together! What?

Superman's blazing passage... LOL WHUT!?

...ummm, does this still count as "latent homosexuality"?

Oh my God... This is like Brokeback Mountain! Only without Bane!

And later? TENTACLE MONSTERS. Yes, as in hentai.

Next up, a train going through a tunnel, Michael Jackson making a basket, a man being shot out of a cannon...

I dare you, I DARE YOU, to find a gayer panel. It can't be done. It can't. Be. Done.

 

[The Hero]

Don't know which day this fits under, so I'm putting it in Sunday, which is rapidly becoming this thread's "catch all" day.

It gets better (read: worse).

Due to his being the Flash, Barry misses his wedding, thus disproving the hypothesis that he did it all for the nookie.

Aww... cheer up, emo costume!

The costume is put in a museum and Barry goes to visit it. And... dear God...

So Barry decides to be the Flash again, *****.

Barry Allen: Makes Batman look sane.

How did Stan Lee and John Romita not sue?

 

[The Hero]

PANEL 1 - Full figure. NIGHTCRAWLER walks - no, STRUTS - through the mansion. Dress him like a PIRATE. One of those bare-chested thing, sashes, cutlass, the whole works. Really detail the chest hair. Make them drool. He is HAPPY Kurt and is therefore whistling a happy tune.

Teh satire.

(I'm allowed one "teh" a year )

 

[Sandman138]

It's like a snuff film for a militant lesbian.

 

[Sandman138]

You know what would really improve the old Cinderella fairy tale?

Lesbianism.

Let's be honest, it improves everything.

 

[Zev]

That pleasurable line... it's only subtext if it's subtle. You all know that, right?

Oh, Vampirella, there are better ways of getting fluids from "Mistress Nyx."

Well, this is what you get when you pair up two doms.

Vampirella: Eat phallic symbolism!

Whoa, that's... they're not even trying to make you think anything other than lesbian sex, are they?

Vampirella attacks by shoving her vagina in Mistress Nyx's face. Unfortunately, it doesn't work.

The picture starts with Vampirella on her hands and knees in front of a woman called Mistress Nyx and ends with her about to be impaled on Nyx's *****... errr, I mean, spear! Spear!

Doesn't get much more lesbian than that.

 

[Zev]

This Summer, forget about Iron Man and Captain America... declare your allegiance to the only side that's really looking out for you.

 

[Zev]

Don't worry Power Girl, Kara will help you sort through those feelings... of why you look at the other girls in the JSA locker room...

So it's One Year Later. Power Girl and Supergirl are in the Bottle City of Kandor to try and figure out why Power Girl has a space in her name and Supergirl doesn't. They get into fight. Remember, since technically they're kinda the same person, it's not really lesbian text, it's just *********ion with a lesbian subtext.

Heatvision means you have to be looking at something, right? Oh Kara, you disgusting little Mary-Sue you, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Wow, that unresolved sexual tension is gonna be resolved pretty quickly!

Or not.

Now, I could be cliched and put a Brokeback Mountain caption here, but I think the smouldering look of barely contained lust does my job for me.

And who you make it with.

Well, that's kinda just implied.

...okay, STRONGLY implied.

 

[Zev]

Remember, Vic and Gar aren't gay! At all!

Even though Vic wants to meet Gar's parents...

And even though they want to have threesomes with Robin (but at least Cyborg has forgiven him for that kick to the mommy-daddy bag).

And, of course, the Titans' principal adversary is Slade, an evil mercenary who even has his own butler, ala Batman! Well, not QUITE ala Batman. From a scene where said butler, Wintergreen, meets up with Deathstroke's ex-wife...

Slade/Wintergreen: It's canon. It's SO ****ing canon. Sorry ladies (and assorted fellas). Here's all the in-your-end-o so you don't have to.

"I took my place at his side." And in his bed!

"I stood by him, giving him hope." And I stood behind him, giving him anal.

"I tried to temper his wilder whims." With riding crops and nipple play.

"But when he found that Markov girl..." That hussy stole my man!

"I... I don't think I ever loved him as much as you did." ... Speaks for itself.

And, just for a change of pace, some heterosexuality!

 

[The Hero]

Take a good look at the kid with the blue hat at the bottom...

...and now take a look at the fat kid beside the two women in the boat.Thay have a good reason to look shocked.

edit:Not to mention the giant phallic symbol behind them.And the two balls.And the image of Lil' Torch going through the boat...

Okay,now I'm just reaching.

 

[The Hero]

Tonight,on a very special Superboy...

"I was born in the wrong body,Superboy!Why can't you accept me for who I am?"

"This mission is too dangerous far a girl" was a nice touch,too.I can't imagine why more women didn't read comics back then...