HOROSCOPES
Aries--The sky is clear and your mind should be too. Take time off to relax.
Taurus--Grab the bull by the horns, run at your problems ass backwards.
Gemini--Euphoria will come knocking at your door with an eviction notice.
Cancer--You'll feel a sting and not realize it is fatal, pay attention to insignificant things.
Leo--Someone will reveal they hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.
Virgo--The bus is full but hop on anyway.
Libra--The room looks empty, you're drunk and tired. Don't pass out. Someone will take advantage of you. Bow chica bow wow.
Scorpio--If life gives you lemons, that'll you $2.25.
Sagittarius--Remember this date and you will one day reign victor of a spelling bee.
Capricorn--Today the glass is half empty because I was too lazy to write your horoscope.
Aquarius--A window and door will be opened, the draft will carry you on to great things. Go with the flow.
Pisces--Take the last cookie from the jar, but don't get caught. Be extra cautious!