Jonah Hex is surprisingly badass.
Too bad the movie he's in, is complete ****. Insulting in so many ways. Seriously, this movie is Catwoman, Ghost Rider, and Wild Wild West bad. There will be
major spoilers in this review, so be forewarned, although, I wouldn't recommend seeing this by any means. I'm so happy I work at the movie theater so I didn't have to pay for this. I paid in other ways, though.
First of all, Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex is actually really good. He pretty much is Jonah Hex and did the best with what he has. There was one scene where he talks to a dead friend that was surprisingly pretty good, but I'll touch on that more later. Naturally, Megan Fox is always nice to look at. And the art decoration isn't all that bad. Will Arnett was decent, too. Why they killed him off, is beyond me. Nothing else is redeemable.
I mean, who in their right mind thought Mastadon, a metal band, would be good for a western?
Every time an action scene picked up it was completely ridiculous to hear all the double bass, guitar rifts and all the other metal ********. As a fan of metal, I thought it was a really stupid choice for this genre.
The dialogue is horrible on almost every level. The Jonah one liners weren't so bad, but everything else was painful. President Grant's scene with Gob Bluth was probably the worst.
Gob: "They broke into this super secret vault."
Grant: "They're...building...the weapon."
Gob: But sir, we stopped that from happening.
Gob: "Go get Jonah Hex! The future of our country rests solely on him!"
Jesus Christ. Not to mention everything that comes out of Michael Fassbender's mouth is complete ****. Seriously, that was one of the worst characters in a long time, probably worse than Jigsaw in Punisher: War Zone. And if he's that horrible, John Malkovich's Turnball is even worse. I didn't think that would even be possible. First off, he looked ******ed in his makeup, then he sleep walks through every scene looking completely bored/annoyed, AND he has a completely stupid ****ing plan. They use Dragonballs to activate this mysterious new cannon weapon (which is actually just a submarine?) that can level cities! Because the south lost, he's going to destroy the country! So apparently now they call him el terrorista, because, you know, he's a terrorist and all. And like all good terrorists, he has henchmen with dynamite strapped to themselves.
Which brings another point, can they be any more ******ed about the South being evil? Jonah Hex fought for the Confederacy, but it's okay, he was a good soldier who turned on them.
He wears a confederate uniform through out the entire movie, but to make sure he's not an evil racist, they give him a black friend. Who lectures him about how horrible slavery is.
Did I mention this black friend is a Blacksmith? And his name is Smith.
Provides Jonah Hex with dynamite pistols. Ugh.
And why give Jonah Hex powers? The most pointless, stupid ****ing change just for the hell of doing it. Apparently he can talk to the dead, and when he touches them they burn into ash after awhile. But for some reason pouring dirt on top of them makes "the pain go away". Oh, and he can hear hell hounds while he's talking to them, can't leave out that part. Seriously, such an unnecessary change that really did not advance the plot in any way. What's next, a Black Spide- oh wait.
Megan Fox is always a pleasure to stare at, but how she keeps getting roles is beyond me. Not to mention, Josh Brolin is like 20 years older than her, so it looks really creepy when they makeout.
This movie is only 81 minutes long, but still feels much longer than it should have been. I was texting my good friend Spider-Fan after the movie bashing the hell out of it, and when I mentioned the running time he said "Wow. That is like paying a hooker and lasting less than a minute". So very true my friend, except for the fact that we want this to end as soon as possible.
The Cinematography, Makeup and CGI are completely horrible. This movie is ****ing horrible. Which is such a shame, because Jonah Hex should have been a badass, gritty, R rated western. Instead we get a stupid, PG-13, steaming pile of ****. Here I was thinking that DC finally has their **** together, but this just proves that they have so much left to learn. If Green Lantern is this bad, I will be fully convinced that only Nolan can do justice to the DC Universe.
Do yourself a favor and go see Toy Story 3 instead.
This is a shame really. I grew up on the old Jonah Hex comics and for WB to bastardize his mythos so badly is disheartening to say the least.
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