The Virginity Question

[Darthphere]

I dont get it. Whats wrong with have a criteria but willing to give up a few of them? That sounds normal to me. I think most people want to be with a peron that they have something in common with.

Criteria to me just means excuses.

"Oh man, I met this great girl. She's pretty, smart, funny, loves to talk politics and hates sports."

"Sounds great, did you ask her out?"

"No."

"Why not? She seems like a good catch."

"She doesn't like comics."

You can say that's not how it would work, but 99% of the time, by having "criteria" you're just building up excuses to not take that chance.

 

[Anita18]

It's great that you at least go out. But broadening your horizons will in the long run benefit you, as unless their is an mirror image of you with 2 X chromosomes, you'll eventually going to meet someone who is going to have interests of her own. And whether she wants you to take her to a twilight movie, or go biking or watch a sporting event, are you going to tell her no because those things don't interest you and to find someone else to take her?

If I don't think my bf will enjoy something I want to do, I don't take him. Although if it takes place on the weekend (when we hang out), I'll suggest it and if he says he wants to go with me, I'm not going to stress about whether he's enjoying himself, because I always tell him flat out he has the option of not going. Or leaving early by himself and coming back and picking me up. He's a big boy, he can entertain himself.

I've done things by myself for 6 years after college when I was single, it's still sorta the default mode for me, so whether he comes with me doesn't really matter. I think that's another way to solve "the problem" of different interests.

I do think that Hob has a point though. If most of your thought processes involve something that your SO isn't interested in AT ALL, then it's pretty much impossible to connect with them on a personal level. I like to think about usability and design nowadays, and my bf may not be interested in those things specifically, but since he designs games he can use some of my knowledge for himself. That sort of thing.

 

[Erzengel]

If I don't think my bf will enjoy something I want to do, I don't take him. Although if it takes place on the weekend (when we hang out), I'll suggest it and if he says he wants to go with me, I'm not going to stress about whether he's enjoying himself, because I always tell him flat out he has the option of not going. Or leaving early by himself and coming back and picking me up. He's a big boy, he can entertain himself.

I've done things by myself for 6 years after college when I was single, it's still sorta the default mode for me, so whether he comes with me doesn't really matter. I think that's another way to solve "the problem" of different interests.

The thing about Hob is he reminds me of how most younger people are when they first started dating. I want a girl who looks like Natalie Portman but loves comics and only likes going to see movies on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month.

A lot of times you end up with someone totally different than what you expected.

I do think that Hob has a point though. If most of your thought processes involve something that your SO isn't interested in AT ALL, then it's pretty much impossible to connect with them on a personal level. I like to think about usability and design nowadays, and my bf may not be interested in those things specifically, but since he designs games he can use some of my knowledge for himself. That sort of thing.

I love video games. Erzette doesn't. I even have "rules" that when she's around and conscious, I make an effort to spend time with her. No, coming home, shoving food down my throat and then playing video games until it's time for bed.

Video games are an important hobby to me. She understands it but doesn't participate. Does that mean we don't connect?

 

[Anita18]

The thing about Hob is he reminds me of how most younger people are when they first started dating. I want a girl who looks like Natalie Portman but loves comics and only likes going to see movies on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month.

A lot of times you end up with someone totally different than what you expected.

To be fair, he mentioned "tolerating comic books, isn't into sports, and likes politics" which are pretty general. Maybe the "not into sports" thing is a little too picky, but what if politics is what he's super-interested in and wants to talk about every day?

I love video games. Erzette doesn't. I even have "rules" that when she's around and conscious, I make an effort to spend time with her. No, coming home, shoving food down my throat and then playing video games until it's time for bed.

Video games are an important hobby to me. She understands it but doesn't participate. Does that mean we don't connect?

You don't think about them 24/7, do you? That's my point. I love to ponder design and usability and storytelling things, but that means I probably won't be able to connect well with someone who always thinks about tricking out his car or shopping for designer duds. I'm not talking about common hobbies, I'm talking about having something common in what makes you tick.

 

[SpideyVille]

If I don't think my bf will enjoy something I want to do, I don't take him. Although if it takes place on the weekend (when we hang out), I'll suggest it and if he says he wants to go with me, I'm not going to stress about whether he's enjoying himself, because I always tell him flat out he has the option of not going. Or leaving early by himself and coming back and picking me up. He's a big boy, he can entertain himself.

I've done things by myself for 6 years after college when I was single, it's still sorta the default mode for me, so whether he comes with me doesn't really matter. I think that's another way to solve "the problem" of different interests.

I think that's the problem with most people today. They believe that a couple should do almost everything together whenever they can, which usually tends to happen a lot more in the early stages of the relationship. And this usually leads to fights when one feels they are doing things that they don't want to with the other more than the other is doing for them.

I do think that Hob has a point though. If most of your thought processes involve something that your SO isn't interested in AT ALL, then it's pretty much impossible to connect with them on a personal level. I like to think about usability and design nowadays, and my bf may not be interested in those things specifically, but since he designs games he can use some of my knowledge for himself. That sort of thing.

It's all about balance. You don't always have to like every single things together, but you'll eventually have to learn to tolerate it if you feel a strong connection.

The thing about Hob is he reminds me of how most younger people are when they first started dating. I want a girl who looks like Natalie Portman but loves comics and only likes going to see movies on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month.

A lot of times you end up with someone totally different than what you expected.

I agree. Everybody has their own "list" and qualities that they would like in a partner, but more often than not, you have to learn to bend those expectations and probably settle for someone who isn't everything you want to be because sometimes the person we want doesn't exist, or they aren't what we expected them to be.

 

[Erzengel]

To be fair, he mentioned "tolerating comic books, isn't into sports, and likes politics" which are pretty general. Maybe the "not into sports" thing is a little too picky, but what if politics is what he's super-interested in and wants to talk about every day?


You don't think about them 24/7, do you? That's my point. I love to ponder design and usability and storytelling things, but that means I probably won't be able to connect well with someone who always thinks about tricking out his car or shopping for designer duds. I'm not talking about common hobbies, I'm talking about having something common in what makes you tick.

Even with ideologies, regarding religion and individual politics I understand if you want to be with someone who shares some of your common views, however in the end even those aren't deal breakers. Jew and Christian marrying or Republic and Democrat dating, etc.

What you seem to be describing seems to revolve around your job which makes you good at it. I don't understand how that translates into a connecting or not connecting with someone. I'm sure someone in your position could date someone who tricked out cars as long as you made each other happy.

I think it's important to have a connection personality wise so there can be an understanding between you two.

 

[Erzengel]

I think that's the problem with most people today. They believe that a couple should do almost everything together whenever they can, which usually tends to happen a lot more in the early stages of the relationship. And this usually leads to fights when one feels they are doing things that they don't want to with the other more than the other is doing for them.

I think it's important to have quality time together and I think it's great to have away time as well. That's why I made show I got a 2 floor house so one of us had a place to go if we wanted to get away from the other person.

 

[The Squirrel]

Even with ideologies, regarding religion and individual politics I understand if you want to be with someone who shares some of your common views, however in the end even those aren't deal breakers. Jew and Christian marrying or Republic and Democrat dating, etc.

Well the girl sharing my Christian beliefs is probably the only non-negotiable requirement for me. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. And other differences can be worked around.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Criteria to me just means excuses.

"Oh man, I met this great girl. She's pretty, smart, funny, loves to talk politics and hates sports."

"Sounds great, did you ask her out?"

"No."

"Why not? She seems like a good catch."

"She doesn't like comics."

You can say that's not how it would work, but 99% of the time, by having "criteria" you're just building up excuses to not take that chance.

You make a good point but I dont think that even I'm that stubborn. I do think I'm willing to cut her a break.

 

[Erzengel]

Hob what's your longest standing relationship?

 

[Anita18]

What you seem to be describing seems to revolve around your job which makes you good at it. I don't understand how that translates into a connecting or not connecting with someone. I'm sure someone in your position could date someone who tricked out cars as long as you made each other happy.

I think it's important to have a connection personality wise so there can be an understanding between you two.

Design is not even my job, at least not yet. But it's something that I'm certainly interested in.

What I mean about not connecting with someone who likes to trick out his car (not even making money tricking out other people's cars, that different) or buying designer duds is that I could not be around someone whose main goal in life is spending lots of $$$ on superficial appearances. I just can't respect someone who does that, although I do respect that they certainly can do whatever they want with their money. That's what I mean when I say you have to have something in common with what makes you tick.

I think it's important to have quality time together and I think it's great to have away time as well. That's why I made show I got a 2 floor house so one of us had a place to go if we wanted to get away from the other person.

Unfortunately affordable 2-story houses are hard to come by in this neck of the woods, we'd have to make do with one bedroom and one living room at best.

 

[Erzengel]

What I mean about not connecting with someone who likes to trick out his car (not even making money tricking out other people's cars, that different) or buying designer duds is that I could not be around someone whose main goal in life is spending lots of $$$ on superficial appearances. I just can't respect someone who does that, although I do respect that they certainly can do whatever they want with their money. That's what I mean when I say you have to have something in common with what makes you tick.

I didn't quite get your analogy.

Then I remembered this girl that I use to like and how she's all about going out, dancing, partying like she was still in college and not that it's a turn off but if I attempted to date her, how I'd dream for days when we could just veg at home over having to go out and meet friends at a club.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Design is not even my job, at least not yet. But it's something that I'm certainly interested in.

What I mean about not connecting with someone who likes to trick out his car (not even making money tricking out other people's cars, that different) or buying designer duds is that I could not be around someone whose main goal in life is spending lots of $$$ on superficial appearances. I just can't respect someone who does that, although I do respect that they certainly can do whatever they want with their money. That's what I mean when I say you have to have something in common with what makes you tick.


Unfortunately affordable 2-story houses are hard to come by in this neck of the woods, we'd have to make do with one bedroom and one living room at best.

What about the 2 bedroom, usually don't cost too much more than 1 bedrooms, maybe 1.5 times the rent max. My girlfriend and I are actually moving in together next month, getting a 2 bedroom for the exact reason Erz stated. One bedroom will be the bedroom, the other will be kind of an office/guest room/room to watch a show the other doesn't want to watch room.

 

[Anita18]

What about the 2 bedroom, usually don't cost too much more than 1 bedrooms, maybe 1.5 times the rent max. My girlfriend and I are actually moving in together next month, getting a 2 bedroom for the exact reason Erz stated. One bedroom will be the bedroom, the other will be kind of an office/guest room/room to watch a show the other doesn't want to watch room.

A couple hundred, sure. The thing with my bf is that he's rather restless - I REALLY don't know if he'll be moving somewhere else to work. He hasn't decided yet. We might move in together this summer but when he runs through his savings he'll need to find a job.

So if we're going to get someplace together right now, I made it very clear that it would probably have to be someplace I can afford on my own if he decides to get a job somewhere else. I plan to stay here at least for the next few years to go back to school, and I still have a job I like so I'm not going anywhere. And unfortunately my job doesn't pay very much. So it's one-bedroom max, unless he decides for sure that he's staying put for the next few years. And knowing him, he may never know for sure.

The thing with us is that I think a one-bedroom would suffice for us. That already means it's got a living room, where an "office space" could be. We're not terribly social people so it isn't like we'd be holding poker night with 8 friends weekly. So if he wants to sleep early (as he usually does), he can go to the bedroom and I can stay in the living room. I even suggested we could probably make do with a large studio and split off the space somehow, but I can sleep through anything and he kind of can't.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Hob what's your longest standing relationship?

I've never had one. The most interest that women ever showed me was in college and they were into the party scene, which I'm not. I did go out with one to a dance at a hotel hosted by the school. We sat in awkward silence through dinner with our group (her friends mostly and some guys from my dorm that I didnt really know) and an even more awkward dance at the hotel. She did try to pull me closer to her while on the dance floor and I froze. She shoved me away after that and I left.

 

[Erzengel]

You're talking a while ago Hob.

I mean, like I said as long as you put yourself out there and are trying to meet people, that's all well and good.

But if you're just avoiding relationships and finding excuses on why you can't date and hoping opportunity is just going to fall in your lap, well you're not getting younger.

 

[Hobgoblin]

You're talking a while ago Hob.

I mean, like I said as long as you put yourself out there and are trying to meet people, that's all well and good.

But if you're just avoiding relationships and finding excuses on why you can't date and hoping opportunity is just going to fall in your lap, well you're not getting younger.

Dont I know it. My doctor even mentioned once that all of the women my age must be married by now.

I never saw a reason to get married young. My parents were well into their thirties when they got married. I'm the oldest of the two "kids" and dad was nearly 40 when I came along.

 

[Anita18]

You're talking a while ago Hob.

I mean, like I said as long as you put yourself out there and are trying to meet people, that's all well and good.

But if you're just avoiding relationships and finding excuses on why you can't date and hoping opportunity is just going to fall in your lap, well you're not getting younger.

That's kind of stupid reason to find yourself in a relationship, if you ask me. Although I know what you mean - life is finite and you can't keep running away from opportunities. But focusing on your age when considering romantic relationship is the wrong way to go. One of my bf's friends got engaged recently - he's in his mid-30's and his gf basically gave him an ultimatum. When my bf congratulated him, his exactly words were, "Well you know, I'm not exactly getting younger."

That's just a sad way to live, man.

Dont I know it. My doctor even mentioned once that all of the women my age must be married by now.

I never saw a reason to get married young. My parents were well into their thirties when they got married. I'm the oldest of the two "kids" and dad was nearly 40 when I came along.

My best friend's parents met in their 30's. So it's not "too late," but it all depends on your approach. Like Erz said, if you're finding a way to avoid potential relationships, that's not healthy either.

And college is definitely "a while ago" when you're in your 30's. Man, I'm only 5 years out and it feels like an eternity. I've changed so much in the interim. My entire outlook on relationships have changed.

 

[Hobgoblin]

My best friend's parents met in their 30's. So it's not "too late," but it all depends on your approach. Like Erz said, if you're finding a way to avoid potential relationships, that's not healthy either.

How is being single "unhealthy?"

And college is definitely "a while ago" when you're in your 30's. Man, I'm only 5 years out and it feels like an eternity. I've changed so much in the interim. My entire outlook on relationships have changed.

Oh yes, college was a lifetime and a half ago. I was just mentioning that story to show that I have gone on dates where I didnt like any of the things going on, but went because I liked the girl.

 

[Anita18]

How is being single "unhealthy?"

Single's not unhealthy. I've been single most of my adult life, it's a fine way to live. I was happy single and now I'm happy in a relationship. So by now I know that happiness isn't dependent on your relationship status, happiness is all on you.

It's just that I don't think anyone should go out of their way to avoid opportunities out of fear. That's the part that's unhealthy, IMO. And it's not just about relationships, but anything you could be avoiding that could benefit you. Life is all about the journey, and a good chunk of that is the people you meet along the way that change you. Hopefully for the better.

But then again, going along with what is accepted out of fear isn't healthy either, like my bf's friend.

 

[SpideyVille]

I guess the real question for Hob is, do you even want to be in a relationship?

 

[Hobgoblin]

I guess the real question for Hob is, do you even want to be in a relationship?

To be honest, I dont know.

 

[SpideyVille]

To be honest, I dont know.

Is there any specific reason why you don't know? I'm not trying to say you should or need to be in a relationship. I mean, I know some people just rather be single and don't want to bother with dating because they are happy with the way they are, while others hate being single, but for whatever reason, they still end up being alone.

I know for me personally, I've always wanted to be in a relationship, but for whatever reason, I could never make it work. And now, in the past year or so, I've realized I sort of have a fear of committment to things, not just relationships, as well as a fear of responsibility. And as much as I want to be in a relationship and have a family of my own, there are times when I can't really picture myself ever being in one. But that hasn't stopped me from trying. I know there's some things that I need to change and that's what I'm trying to do now.

 

[Erzengel]

That's kind of stupid reason to find yourself in a relationship, if you ask me. Although I know what you mean - life is finite and you can't keep running away from opportunities. But focusing on your age when considering romantic relationship is the wrong way to go. One of my bf's friends got engaged recently - he's in his mid-30's and his gf basically gave him an ultimatum. When my bf congratulated him, his exactly words were, "Well you know, I'm not exactly getting younger."

Well, Hob originally before his post seemed like he wasn't opposed to being in a relationship and was looking for a particular person which got us on this digression.

I mean if you are interested in being with someone and yet make no attempts to meet people, time does start to become a factor.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Is there any specific reason why you don't know? I'm not trying to say you should or need to be in a relationship. I mean, I know some people just rather be single and don't want to bother with dating because they are happy with the way they are, while others hate being single, but for whatever reason, they still end up being alone.

I know for me personally, I've always wanted to be in a relationship, but for whatever reason, I could never make it work. And now, in the past year or so, I've realized I sort of have a fear of committment to things, not just relationships, as well as a fear of responsibility. And as much as I want to be in a relationship and have a family of my own, there are times when I can't really picture myself ever being in one. But that hasn't stopped me from trying. I know there's some things that I need to change and that's what I'm trying to do now.

A lot of reasons, I guess. Being close to people is new to me. I've always been independent. Its tantalizing and alien at the same time. I dont have a lot of time, as I'm working my way through grad school. That and I took women for granted as an undergrad. I may not have partook in what they were offering but that doesnt mean I wasnt flattered or tempted. I cant remember the last time an attractive woman my age gave me the time of day.