What do I do?

[Rocketman]

A serious thread.

My family is an extended one of about 35. We meet for every major holiday.

My one uncle, who has two daughters (who are both 14 and 12) - there is suspicion among us that there is "inappropriate activity" happening there. He is married to my aunt, but she seems completely oblivious.

The suspicion is among pretty much all of us; 98% of us.

Imagine the movie Doubt from 2008 (Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman), and escalate that to an entire family.

Nobody has the guts to do anything about it. No single person wants to have the responsibility of setting the wheels in motion. I certainly don't. So the group mentality is, "If we ignore it, it never happened." And I can't live with it. But I also can't do anything.

I see four scenarios:

A.) If we try to intervene and it's TRUE, we will have saved these two little girls. Meanwhile, the family is devastated and forever changed.

B.) If we try to intervene and it's FALSE, we will have devastated the family and forever changed, probably for the worse . . . because nothing was ever wrong.

C.) If we don't intervene and it's FALSE, we will continue wondering and doubting forever, and we'll never know.

D.) If we don't intervene and it's TRUE, it will continue happening.

Action is taken in A and B, but only A has an overall positive outcome, right?

 

[bullets]

It's a big red flag if the entire family has this much doubt. So your saying no one has talked to you Aunt about this?

 

[Rocketman]

No one has talked to my aunt.

The other problem is, my family isn't particularly close. We just kind of meet every few months and have polite conversation and then move along. We're not really a tightly-knit group.

So, when it comes to this, it's not like we know my uncle well enough to know that it's not true. That's where so much doubt comes in.

 

[WalkingDeadMike]

If you think your cousins are being molested, you are morally obligated to do something, IMO.

 

[Schlosser85]

If you don't mind, could you elaborate a little why everyone thinks this?

 

[Yurka]

Maybe call in an anonymous tip to the police or child services or something and have it investigated?

 

[WillardNation]

I agree with Yurka. But if everybody is THAT suspicious, you HAVE to do something.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

If you don't mind, could you elaborate a little why everyone thinks this?

Yeah that's incredibly important to me in advising you on this too.

If there are clear question mark situations, like for example you've seen something or heard something he said to one of his children... then I would start by asking them about it, asking them what he meant/what was going on.

 

[Rocketman]

The thing is, what I explain won't seem "legitimate" because it doesn't sound like concrete evidence . . . which is exactly why we have so much doubt. It's a feeling, an aura in the air, and not necessarily things we've seen. It's not like I'll explain this and you'll all go, "Bam! He's guilty!" - We're going on a vibe, a gut instinct, and sometimes those things can either be deceiving, or your gut feeling can be spot on. An aura in the air has to be legit if it's there, right?

They still sit on his lap. He still acts like they're 5, and bounces them on his knee. He plays with their hair, and he playfully messes with them to the point where they're actually slapping him to get him away, as if what he's doing is unwanted to them. He's very open around us when it comes to being so physically "touchy" with them. But the girls are also not crying or pleading with us to get him away from them. Sometimes they laugh with him. Sometimes they hug him, and they're not exactly saying no when he commands them to sit on his lap.

But sometimes, they give him this look. It's just a facial expression, not proof of guilt. Their looks, put to words, when he's putting his hands in their hair and "caressing", says, "Please, not here. Not in front of the whole family." --- It almost seems like the girls are OKAY with it, like it's become a psychological manipulation... but they're not comfortable doing it in front of the family.

I'll be honest, it's uncomfortable for me to watch it.

 

[bullets]

Something has to be done.

Not sure the best way to go about it . If someone talks to the Aunt she might fly off the handle and resent everyone without ever investigating.

The other option is to call child services. Maybe it's best to try to talk to her first though.

 

[TheDragonator]

Child Services. Call them.

 

[Rocketman]

Something has to be done.

Not sure the best way to go about it . If someone talks to the Aunt she might fly off the handle and resent everyone without ever investigating.

The other option is to call child services. Maybe it's best to try to talk to her first though.

I don't think talking to her is the best way to go about it.
She's a go-with-the-flow type of person, who chooses to be ignorant and play dumb against her own feelings. For all we know, she's probably already thought the same things we have. She doesn't really want to hear things like that, and if told, she'd probably ignore it and resent the entire family. She might be brainwashed too.

Can I call someone anonymously? Or am I obligated by law to officially give my name?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The thing is, what I explain won't seem "legitimate" because it doesn't sound like concrete evidence . . . which is exactly why we have so much doubt. It's a feeling, an aura in the air, and not necessarily things we've seen. It's not like I'll explain this and you'll all go, "Bam! He's guilty!" - We're going on a vibe, a gut instinct, and sometimes those things can either be deceiving, or your gut feeling can be spot on. An aura in the air has to be legit if it's there, right?

They still sit on his lap. He still acts like they're 5, and bounces them on his knee. He plays with their hair, and he playfully messes with them to the point where they're actually slapping him to get him away, as if what he's doing is unwanted to them. He's very open around us when it comes to being so physically "touchy" with them. But the girls are also not crying or pleading with us to get him away from them. Sometimes they laugh with him. Sometimes they hug him, and they're not exactly saying no when he commands them to sit on his lap.
But sometimes, they give him this look. It's just a facial expression, not proof of guilt. Their looks, put to words, when he's putting his hands in their hair and "caressing", says, "Please, not here. Not in front of the whole family." --- It almost seems like the girls are OKAY with it, like it's become a psychological manipulation... but they're not comfortable doing it in front of the family.

I'll be honest, it's uncomfortable for me to watch it.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in, because like you said it's not concrete.

But this is definitely the kind of thing that, if you feel it that strongly and your instincts are this flared up, you have to do something.

How close are you to your cousins? Is there any way you could just talk to them about their dad? Not in an obvious way, but like a general 'dads' conversation when you say what you don't like about your dad and ask them what they don't like about there dad... sounds a bit silly maybe, but I just think you need to feel it out a bit more.

Confronting either your uncle or your aunt isn't going to do anything but cause a humungous arguement IMO, and you'll never find out the truth then.

And I think that's the most important thing here, is trying to find out the truth. Because once you do, you can actually do something about it, or find youself satisfied enough that there isn't anything untowards and he's just a bit weird.

 

[bullets]

The thing is, what I explain won't seem "legitimate" because it doesn't sound like concrete evidence . . . which is exactly why we have so much doubt. It's a feeling, an aura in the air, and not necessarily things we've seen. It's not like I'll explain this and you'll all go, "Bam! He's guilty!" - We're going on a vibe, a gut instinct, and sometimes those things can either be deceiving, or your gut feeling can be spot on. An aura in the air has to be legit if it's there, right?

They still sit on his lap. He still acts like they're 5, and bounces them on his knee. He plays with their hair, and he playfully messes with them to the point where they're actually slapping him to get him away, as if what he's doing is unwanted to them. He's very open around us when it comes to being so physically "touchy" with them. But the girls are also not crying or pleading with us to get him away from them. Sometimes they laugh with him. Sometimes they hug him, and they're not exactly saying no when he commands them to sit on his lap.

But sometimes, they give him this look. It's just a facial expression, not proof of guilt. Their looks, put to words, when he's putting his hands in their hair and "caressing", says, "Please, not here. Not in front of the whole family." --- It almost seems like the girls are OKAY with it, like it's become a psychological manipulation... but they're not comfortable doing it in front of the family.

I'll be honest, it's uncomfortable for me to watch it.

One of my girlfriends was molested by her uncle at 13 and he used to that . He asked her to sit on his lap and it eventually turned into him feeling her up. I'm not trying to add fuel to the fire but that does sound suspicious.

Anonymous tip sounds like your best bet though

 

[Rocketman]

I'm not close to them at all. The girls barely speak. (And that's another interesting observation - they barely talk, ever).

Confronting either your uncle or your aunt isn't going to do anything but cause a humungous arguement IMO, and you'll never find out the truth then.

You're exactly right. It would absolutely tear the family a part, regardless if it's true or not -- which I have no problem with, but if we're going to ruin the family, I'd rather it be destroyed knowing that we were right, and not tear the family a part for no reason.

 

[8wid]

My best advice, ask her in private if she suspects some similar feelings to that extent. If not, lay down what you feel, and let them handle that part of it from there on their own. Don't feel guilty for a break in the family because someone is too close-minded to believe, they are doing it already to themselves by not being openly communicative with their children anyway. If nothing is done about it, but there is proof to be concerned start to secretly gather evidence that can incriminate them if CPS needs to be called into the situation and talk to the girls about it in private too through a subtle means.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of options

Other than getting one of the girls to admit it, or spying and catching something happening, there is no way of proving it sufficiently enough to get actual action taken.

Even if you called child services at this stage, what would they do? I don't know how it works, but I doubt they can just go to someones house and investigate them without legitimate cause to.

One thing I would definitely do is maybe point out the things you think are weird.

Like, the next time he gets his 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap, just say 'Isn't she a bit old to be sat on your lap like that?'

The worst that can happen is that he thinks your rude, but it might help to show the kids that it's not normal and that maybe they shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

[Lasirius]

Generally speaking, girls at that age don't want to be treated as little girls anymore. Their interest in boys starts to show and are sometimes embarrassed by how their parents treat them even though they'll always be "daddy's little girls".

The fact that they don't really talk is something to think about also. If it's concerning to you and most of your family, do something about it.

 

[Duke]

If you think your cousins are being molested, you are morally obligated to do something, IMO.

As the above poster stated, if you believe there is some kind of bad activity, you should do something & act on it before it escalates into something worse.

 

[SpideyInATree]

Generally speaking, girls at that age don't want to be treated as little girls anymore. Their interest in boys starts to show and are sometimes embarrassed by how their parents treat them even though they'll always be "daddy's little girls".

The fact that they don't really talk is something to think about also. If it's concerning to you and most of your family, do something about it.

Yeah, if the girls are 14 and 12 they are definitely in that age range where they're going to start drifting toward wanting more independence. Maybe it's why they give him looks when he treats them like they are still little kids.

However, my girlfriend was molested by her uncle and when her and her cousin stepped forward about it nobody else in the family believed them.

Maybe find someone in your family, or maybe you, who can pull the girls aside and maybe ask them if something is strange. I mean if the rest of the family thinks there is something up then it's best to take some sort of action.

As some other posters suggested earlier maybe do it anonymously through child services or something like that.

 

[DarkSovereignty]

what other family members have you discussed this with?

 

[twylight]

what other family members have you discussed this with?

My question exactly. Perhaps you should ask other family members you've discussed this with for their opinion? Make sure it is someone you trust so if the **** does hit the fan they're not going to leave you out in the cold alone.

 

[Scourge2099]

I don't think coming to a message board is the best place for advice on this sort of thing , but , yeah , that sends up red flags. Do you have any friends in law enforcement ? Perhaps you could ask them for advice.

 

[Rocketman]

I don't think coming to a message board is the best place for advice on this sort of thing , but , yeah , that sends up red flags. Do you have any friends in law enforcement ? Perhaps you could ask them for advice.

I love it when people say this.

Coming here and making a thread isn't making matters worse. It's harmless. If anything, getting a fresh perspective from people I don't know could actually help. And this is helping, because 99.9% of the responses here have been to take action. The people I actually do know (my family) have been completely unresponsive.

 

[C. Lee]

If you suspect child abuse...take some kind of action by notifying authorities. It's better to have people mad at you because nothing was going on than for them to be happy while abusing kids.