CAP Alert

[The Hero]

 

[The Hero]

Landover Baptist's parody of CAP Alert's American Beauty review

Do you know what's scary?If I hadn't known better,I would've assumed it was a real CAP Alert review.

 

[The Hero]

Monster House

Dear God...children outside after dark!

 

[Superhobo]

CAP Alert is better than Patton Oswald at making me laugh. I mean, seriously.

 

[The Hero]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

I don't know what's funnier:His offense at the protagonists "unholy super-powers" or the fact that,for reason's only known to him,he felt the need to transcribe the first twenty minutes of the film.

Though no gender-specifics are seen during the intercourse, the bobbing babes are seen. And the bed is seen blasting through the bedroom wall. Yuck! Even a "polite" description like that is offensive. Well!?

There's no doubt about it:This guy has sex with the lights off.

 

[JackBauer]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

I don't know what's funnier:His offense at the protagonists "unholy super-powers" or the fact that,for reason's only known to him,he felt the need to transcribe the first twenty minutes of the film.



There's no doubt about it:This guy has sex with the lights off.

"unholy super-powers"... lol... X-Men got it right.

 

[Matt]

I can't wait to see what they say about Clerks II.

 

[The Hero]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.

 

[JackBauer]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm really beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.

welcome to the club!

 

[Flexo]

I can't wait to see what they say about Clerks II.

They've said that they won't review it.

 

[The Hero]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.

We get a similar sermon in his Stepford Wives review,accompanied by yet another "Jesus never said anything about gays" sermon,plus a small essay on the importance of hate crimes.

 

[The Hero]

A highlight from his ridiculously insane review ofBubble Boy:

For example, if we were to encounter nudity on the streets, to quickly show respect by looking away is not a sin but to stare at it is. Which brings up another point. Nudity in and of itself is not a sin. If it were, doctors and other health care professionals would be in trouble. But nudity for show and/or pleasure is sinful for both the one displaying it and the one drawing pleasure from it.

I was going to try to articulate some kind of response to this,but I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

 

[The Hero]

Tom finally gets off his unused ass and rents Brokeback Mountain

Not once is there a mention of any of the dangers associated with the practice of homosexuality: the typically shortened lifespan; the plethora of diseases not typical of a monogamous heterosexual marriage; the hundreds of partners typically encountered in a homosexual practitioner's shortened lifetime; the violence typically reported in most homosexual relationships; the tendency to practice pedophilia (ref: the North American Man-boy Love Association and a 24-year study by Dr. Judith Reisman); many others, not even the violation of such practice against God's Word [e.g., 1 Cor. 6:9-10]. And they in the film who are opposed to the practice of homosexuality are portrayed as small minded, intolerant, selfish and as redneck murderers.

So does he look at any research not done by people with an overwhelming anti-gay bias,or does he think that all non-Christian studies are manipulated by the diabolical Liberal Media?(I really need to find a good Liberal Media font)

 

[Darthphere]

OMG, like seriously, diseases? Seriously, this isnt the 1980's.

 

[JackBauer]

OMG, like seriously, diseases? Seriously, this isnt the 1980's.

not to mention that everything he mentioned could be found in heterosexuals.

 

[The Hero]

not to mention that everything he mentioned could be found in heterosexuals.

Well,every review links to a site called "Homosexual Urban Legends",which basically says that most homosexuals are pedophiles,which conflicts with a massive amount of secular studies,but because those researchers weren't fundamentalist Christians it must be some vast cover-up,because God said those dirty homos were evil and why would he lie?

 

[The Hero]

A list of films CAP Alert actually approves of,including "Judgement" starring Mr.T!

Apparently there's only one thing people of all religions can agree:the sheer asskickery of Mr.T.

 

[JackBauer]

A list of films CAP Alert actually approves of,including "Judgement" starring Mr.T!

Apparently there's only one thing people of all religions can agree:the sheer asskickery of Mr.T.

that's 'cause if you don't like him, he'll beat you into submission.

 

[The Hero]

How bulls with utters are corrupting the youth of America.

 

[The Hero]

Will Ferrell:Satan Incarnate

 

[SolidSnakeMGS]

every magic spellhttp://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

Damn younguns and their magic spells!!

 

[The Hero]

Oh,man...his review of Accepted is just too perfect.

Context does not excuse sin, either the taking pleasure in its display, the demonstration of it or the use of it to "justify" presentation of immoral behavior or imagery.

This fascinates me.By his standards,a fundamentalist Christian propaganda film that glorified the murder of gay teens would be more acceptable for a child to view than a movie with a couple of fart jokes. And how the hell does flatulence count as "Impudence/Hate " anyway?

We learn by example. In what God calls the "evil desires of youth", all too often bad examples become behavioral templates. And yet we feed our youth with those "evil desires" in and as entertainment.

Hah, "evil desires of youth".Am I the only one thinking of that scene in Zardoz where the big stone head tells everyone that "The gun...is good.The penis...IS EVIL!"? What,no fellow obscure 70's b-flick fans here? Very well,moving on.

Know that in this report we will be telling you of the assaults on morality and decency in the film as politely and factual as possible. But sometimes even telling the truth politely sounds almost as vulgar as it is in the film. If you do not like to even read about the moral filth in film being fed to your children, feel free to leave this report.

What? He doesn't reference anything even remotely vulgar in his review.I guess to his fanbase, sentences like "exaggerated male anatomy in sculpture" and "teens making out in underwear" is the equivalent of hardcore ******* porn (and yes,I'm pretty sure I misspelled that).

The only sentence even mildly explicit in his review is "sexual innuendo throughout, including about *********ion, intercourse, erection, ejaculate, self-stimulation, oral sex, male anatomy, homosexual rape, some repeatedly".If that truly offends you,then you have lived one blissfully sheltered life,and I envy you greatly.

 

[The Hero]

This Film is Not Yet rated - This film will not be analyzed due to it being NC-17 under appeal. It is even banned in Malaysia.

That's disappointing.With his constant complaints that the MPAA is too lenient,I would've loved to see his review of a film that says it's too strict.

 

[JackBauer]

That's disappointing.With his constant complaints that the MPAA is too lenient,I would've loved to see his review of a film that says it's too strict.

which movie's he talking about?

 

[The Hero]

which movie's he talking about?

This Film Is Not Yet Rated.

It an expose' of sorts on the MPAA.Looks great.