RELEASE OF ACTUALLY GOOD VAMPIRE MOVIE MAKES AUDIENCES SICK OF VAMPIRE MOVIES FOR SOME REASON
This weekend brought a particularly strange box-office report: a vampire movie performed poorly.
Box-office experts were stunned upon recieving this news. So far, they have not confirmed any single explanation for the event, but many theories are pointing to the fact that it was because the movie was actually good.
The movie, "Let Me In," a remake of the swedish hit "Let the Right One In" was expected to debut within the moderate vampire movie range of $20-140 million, but ended up scoring only about $6 million.
"It just doesn't make sense," said one box office analyst. "We're in the middle of the biggest vampire revolution the world of entertainment has ever witnessed, AND it was a remake. How could this happen?" Many analysts shared his opinions on this bizarre occurrence, saying things such as, "What the hell?", "Holy *beep* and "Well, duh, Cloverfield sucked."
The trend of vampire movies over the past few years has had Hollywood dying to sink their teeth into just about anything vampire-related and turn it into a mediocre movie or TV show. Just as long as it ended up being bad. But "Let Me In" was different.
"I knew I smelled trouble from the time we signed Matt Reeves on to direct that we were headed for failure," said the head of distributor Overture pictures, "but we kept our faith in him that he could prove us wrong and make a truly lame film." That turned out to be a big mistake when young child actress Chloe Grace Moretz was signed on to play the role of Abby, the young vampire protagonist.
Fresh off a wave of acclaim for her turn as a pint-sized assassin in "Kick-Ass", Moretz threatened to derail the entire project when the studio feared that the movie might end up suffering from surprisingly good performances, rather than adhering to the soap opera-grade level of acting that has brought Hollywood such great success over the years, as a result of her talent.
From that point forward, the studio watched in horror as Reeves proceeded to hire more actually-good actors, such as Richard Jenkins, Elias Koteas, and young Kodi Smit-McPhee of "The Road." With each passing day, Reeves also jeapordized Hollywood's legacy of *beep* remakes by staying true to the original film.
"The guy would just walk on set like he owned the place, and instead of having the kid take his shirt off or look at Moretz with emotionless eyes, he told him to let her show him how to play a *beep* Rubik's Cube. Who the hell is this guy? Does he know nothing about making vampire movies?" said the head of Overture.
All they could do from then was pray that things would turn out okay upon the film's release. But early great reviews were coming in fast, and hope started to diminish. "It's all over. No one's gonna want to make a vampire movie ever again after this. And it's all our fault."
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