Does it matter how many sexual partners your girlfriend/boyfriend has had before you?

[Captain_BluTac]

I don't believe it does it matter how many sexual partners your other half has had and I don't really understand people who do think its a deal-breaker. I mean its freaking 2011, who cares if you sleep around?

 

[POWdER-man]

It's not something I worry about or ever will have to worry about.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

LADY IN THE STREET BUT A FREAK IN THE BED.

Nah, don't really matter to me. I've lowered my standards SO HARD as of late.

 

[chaseter]

Some people like casual sex, it doesn't mean they're not looking for love.

I don't so I don't want my future wife to be that way either.

It is really unsettling knowing that my g/f or wife has had 50 other men inside of her. All this amounts to is a trait that you look for or don't look for in your love interests.

This isn't a question that I would ask because I would rather not know but if it was ever brought up and she said that she couldn't remember but it was definitely over 50 because she was crazy in her twenties then that is off putting even though she may be looking for love. I am sure there are a lot of girls who want a guy that didn't have 50 notches on his belt. This isn't an uncommon notion.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

I think that one who reject's someone just because they are a virgin are pretty damn shallow. What if the person ended up being good despite not having previous experience? It's okay to be put off by someone because they suck at screwing because they lack experience,but refusing to date a person just because they are a virgin is just too much. And I wouldn't want a gf who has had too many partners in the past because it would make them come off as really tarty imo.

 

[SpideyVille]

I guess for me, I'm a little more old-fashioned, so I've never really found the whole sleeping around for fun thing to be very attractive, so while the number may not completely hinder an impeding relationship, it would be a factor.

But I also think it's a little intimidating to know that the person that you are with has more experience because then there's always that thought in the back of your mind that makes you wonder how you compare to the others.

 

[Timstuff]

Considering how few relationships I've been in, I'd prefer someone who doesn't have significantly more baggage than me. Unfortnately, the older I get the harder it's going to be to find girls girls like that who are my age.

 

[WildcatNC]

A few things I'd like to add (mostly relating to the guys since thats whos posting):

Whether they want to admit it or not, 95% of the problems and anxiety related to your partners experience is ego/self-esteem related Especially for the guys. Most guys can't tolerate the thought of someone giving it to their girlfriend better than they ever could with equipment they can't compete with. Trust me, they have. Probably many. If your a teenager it might not be an issue, but if your in your early 20's shes been owned by someone you cant match up with. Just something you've got to learn to deal with. She may never admit it, but he did, and you can't. Deal with it, lie to yourself, or go without. Most guys convince themselves they are a sex god and the women feed it because they know its what the guy wants to hear. Everyone thinks their the exception. Its very doubtful. Its much less of a negative to most women than it is to most men. Women care, just not generally as much. Mens self esteem is MUCH more directly tied to their genitals and the functions thereof. Womens to their appearance more.

Women are rarely honest about it anyway so asking doesn't really get you anywhere. I laugh anytime I hear someone tell me their girlfriend has partners in the single digits and is over 20. Could be. Its far more likely she's lying. Its a common policy among women to say its in the single digits (usually 8-9) when its WELL over that. Its the best compromise without looking ****ty (still single digits). Women often have guys that "don't count" to. Your rarely getting the true number.

Right or wrong, there are different standards for Men and Women. Just how it is. An experienced guy is most often seen in a positive light and an experienced woman is not. Whether its "fair" or not isn't really relevant. Its the reality your dealing with. There are illogical double standards in the world, just how it is. Its all perception.

Seems to me the general sentiment goes something like this. The more women a man has been with the better lover he will be and the more desirable he is. The more men a woman has been with the better (bigger) lover the man has to be to compete. Right or wrong, just how people in general seem to view it. There are exceptions of course.

Yes i'm incredibly bored. t:

 

[knowsbleed]

I am currently in a relationship where my partner has had plenty of experience. Both of us have revealed to each other "the number"... and we are mature enough to live with our revelations. Coincidentally, we've had similar paths where we went through difficult times in our lives where it didn't matter who we had sex with or why at one point... and became very promiscuous. It happened when both of us were in our early 20s, and it didn't last too long. I am now in my early 30s and she is in her late 20s, and we have accepted that we are no longer the same people we once were at that promiscuous period.

We are committed to each other and know that we are the people we are today because of our accomplishments and hardships. Maybe the fact that we have travelled similar paths help us relate... but I feel that a level of understanding has to be there in order to not make "the number" such a huge factor in whether or not you choose to be with someone or not.

 

[Eggyman]

My missus needed a few to make room for me

 

[Ponyboy]

What was done in the past is done. It's not like my reputation is flawless. As long as they've got a clean bill of health, and they stay mutual at that point, who cares?

exactly!

 

[Dark Guardian]

Why does it upset you so much? Because you were not the first person to do that to her? Or is the reason leaning more towards your fears that she might do that again in the future? When you say you are a an extremely protective boyfriend, and then you state that you're really upset about your girlfriend's breasts being fondled by her ex-boyfriend, it sounds like you're being a little possessive about something you had no control over due to the fact that you two weren't even together. At least she told you the truth (hopefully).

Because I'm really old fashioned when it comes to love, and I feel like (especially since she knew she wasn't going to be going out with this guy forever) she was careless and didn't think about the feelings of someone she claimed she was waiting for.
She knew it wasn't this guy, yet, instead of oh I don't know, saving every possible intimate connection she could have for the person she knew was right, she carelessly went ahead and let this other guy touch her breasts.
I know I'm sensitive, but I love her, and I feel a little bit betrayed. Now, if she had not said to me "Oh, I've wanted to save myself for the right person... and I feel that's you." then it wouldn't be quite as big a deal. But she said that, and yet... she broke that promise to herself and to me.

This is absurd to me. Why would something she did with a past boyfriend hurt YOU? She didn't let this guy touch her breasts while you were dating her.

Another question - how old are you? It is very easy to think that you and your gf will get married eventually, but what if you don't? You didn't truly "save" yourself, because you aren't married, yet. So, by your thinking, if you two break up, you didn't save yourself for your eventual wife, and you're damaged goods, as well.

It's ok that it's absurd to you. That's your lifestyle and your views on relationships.
I'm 22. Sure, not the oldest and wisest, but I'm no stupid teenager. I have never had a girlfriend until her (we've been together for three years today actually) and I won't have another. Contrary to popular belief, one man meant for one woman still does happen. We didn't sleep together until we both knew this was going to last, and when I mean knew I mean a year and a half after we started dating. Hell, we didn't kiss until six months in.

She did save herself for you. Touching breasts does not equal sex. And if the two of you weren't dating at the time... The fact that some other guy touched her boobs has nothing to do with you. You had better get over it, because if you hold that against her in any way, you might possibly end up subconsciously driving her away for something you have no right to be upset about. We're human beings... we make bad choices sometimes. She probably regrets that guy touching her boobicles. Don't make her feel worse about it.

I suppose that would depend on your definition of saving yourself. We both ended up agreeing on a more complete definition. As for not having anything to do with me, I must simply disagree. It has much to do with me. Especially considering the commitment we each have made to each other.
She does regret it, although, sometimes I don't think she quite understands how much I wish she hadn't done it.

Well spotted, I wonder if he's doing it for religious reasons, From my experience thats the usual reason for saving yourself.

Nope. We're very strange on the religion scale. Neither of us really conform to any religion we know of, yet we both believe in very similar things. Saving yourself until marriage was sort of one of those things we thought about, debated about, and ultimately decided against. I just believe in... being careful. Waiting until that one person you truly love comes along. It may seem silly, old fashioned, naive, but it's me, and it's worked out pretty well so far.

 

[WildcatNC]

Because I'm really old fashioned when it comes to love, and I feel like (especially since she knew she wasn't going to be going out with this guy forever) she was careless and didn't think about the feelings of someone she claimed she was waiting for.
She knew it wasn't this guy, yet, instead of oh I don't know, saving every possible intimate connection she could have for the person she knew was right, she carelessly went ahead and let this other guy touch her breasts.
I know I'm sensitive, but I love her, and I feel a little bit betrayed. Now, if she had not said to me "Oh, I've wanted to save myself for the right person... and I feel that's you." then it wouldn't be quite as big a deal. But she said that, and yet... she broke that promise to herself and to me.




It's ok that it's absurd to you. That's your lifestyle and your views on relationships.
I'm 22. Sure, not the oldest and wisest, but I'm no stupid teenager. I have never had a girlfriend until her (we've been together for three years today actually) and I won't have another. Contrary to popular belief, one man meant for one woman still does happen. We didn't sleep together until we both knew this was going to last, and when I mean knew I mean a year and a half after we started dating. Hell, we didn't kiss until six months in.

I suppose that would depend on your definition of saving yourself. We both ended up agreeing on a more complete definition. As for not having anything to do with me, I must simply disagree. It has much to do with me. Especially considering the commitment we each have made to each other.
She does regret it, although, sometimes I don't think she quite understands how much I wish she hadn't done it.


Nope. We're very strange on the religion scale. Neither of us really conform to any religion we know of, yet we both believe in very similar things. Saving yourself until marriage was sort of one of those things we thought about, debated about, and ultimately decided against. I just believe in... being careful. Waiting until that one person you truly love comes along. It may seem silly, old fashioned, naive, but it's me, and it's worked out pretty well so far.

I'd say your on par with a 16-17 year old in experience then. Wisdom doesn't come with age, but experience. Sounds like you started late.

Many feel the same way with their first sex partner at the time as well. Its why I would be wary of a virgin. That unhealthy, obsessive, angsty stuff that often comes with someones "first" is not something i'd look forward to. Been there a few times and its not fun after awhile. If you both are then you don't notice it because your both like that. If not though......

You better hope you don't lose her. If boob touching bothers you then your in trouble if your looking for a woman at 25-30. They've all got graveyards in their closet by then. You'll be lucky if its just a drunken frat orgy (or five). t:

 

[Dark Guardian]

I'd say your on par with a 16-17 year old in experience then. Wisdom doesn't come with age, but experience. Sounds like you started late.

Many feel the same way with their first sex partner at the time as well. Its why I would be wary of a virgin. That unhealthy, obsessive, angsty stuff that often comes with someones "first" is not something i'd look forward to. Been there a few times and its not fun after awhile. If you both are then you don't notice it because your both like that. If not though......

You better hope you don't lose her. If boob touching bothers you then your in trouble if your looking for a woman at 25-30. They've all got graveyards in their closet by then. You'll be lucky if its just a drunken frat orgy (or five). t:

I'd say your definition of 'experience' and mine are... quite different. For your information, this has been my view on the relationship I've wanted for all of my life. This isn't a new thing. I set out to find one woman, who I would date, fall in love with and marry.
It seems to me that's not your cup of tea, which is fine, but don't knock it just because it's not what you want or have gotten out of life.

 

[Indie]

I'd say your definition of 'experience' and mine are... quite different. For your information, this has been my view on the relationship I've wanted for all of my life. This isn't a new thing. I set out to find one woman, who I would date, fall in love with and marry.
It seems to me that's not your cup of tea, which is fine, but don't knock it just because it's not what you want or have gotten out of life.

First of all, props on staying true to yourself and making the effort to live in a way that feels right for you even if it's seen as unconventional in this day and age. But I would add that you probably need to forgive her (whether that comes about through talking to her about how you feel, talking to someone else you trust about it, or finding a way to simply let it go.). She went against her personal values, and regrets it. She then renewed her efforts to stay true to her own convictions as evident in her relationship with you. I'd say the later speaks much more of her character and mind then one regretted mistake.

Though maybe you're not even that upset about it beyond a small nagging disappointment in the back of your mind, and if that's the case then you're probably fine and i congratulate you on having a relationship that you love and are proud of

 

[Anita18]

What was done in the past is done. It's not like my reputation is flawless. As long as they've got a clean bill of health, and they stay mutual at that point, who cares?

This is pretty much how I think about it now too, although it took me a few years to get over my low self-esteem in that regard.

I know my bf wasn't a virgin when he met me. I don't know the number of other women he's been with, and it's something I actually don't particularly care to know. All I know (and need to know) is that he's happy and faithful being with me right now. The past is past.

In fact, my bf used to smoke weed and go to strip clubs, which TOTALLY made me when he told me because looking at him now, you can't picture it. At all.

I'd say your on par with a 16-17 year old in experience then. Wisdom doesn't come with age, but experience. Sounds like you started late.

Many feel the same way with their first sex partner at the time as well. Its why I would be wary of a virgin. That unhealthy, obsessive, angsty stuff that often comes with someones "first" is not something i'd look forward to. Been there a few times and its not fun after awhile. If you both are then you don't notice it because your both like that. If not though......

You better hope you don't lose her. If boob touching bothers you then your in trouble if your looking for a woman at 25-30. They've all got graveyards in their closet by then. You'll be lucky if its just a drunken frat orgy (or five). t:

The wisdom from experience doesn't always come from actual experience either. Mostly emotional maturity. I always hear stories of women going through multiple relationships and not never being able to enjoy sex, and all I can think is, "Um, I think you're doing it wrong." Or maybe I'm just really lucky.

And not all virgins are unhealthy, obsessive, or angsty about it. I was a very late bloomer, and I was less nervous about my first time than my non-virgin bf was. I was a virgin when I met him and as I said, I don't really care about the other women he's been with. His devotion to me is clear enough, I don't need to get all whiny about it. No experience needed to realize that.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Considering how few relationships I've been in, I'd prefer someone who doesn't have significantly more baggage than me. Unfortnately, the older I get the harder it's going to be to find girls girls like that who are my age.

Life experience does not automatically mean the person is carrying around 'baggage', or personal demons, as you might call them. Even if someone has had bad experiences in life, it does not mean they can't make peace with those experiences.
Tbh, it sounds like you are the one who could be potentially carrying around 'baggage', by automatically thinking that you somehow have avoided 'baggage' by not being in relationships, and assuming most people around you have developed 'problems'.
You shound like you are bordering on a superiority complex, you can carry 'baggage' by not having enough life experience, thinking you know it all and are better than other people, or developing funny thoughts about other people and assuming much about them, which can happen precisely because you do not have enough life experience, and have very blunt and uneducated instincts as a result.

 

[Eggyman]

I agree with The Bum. Hve you seen Chasing Amy?

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I agree with The Bum. Hve you seen Chasing Amy?

Yeah, but I mean about ten years ago, whenever it was just released on home video rental, I thought it was alright, don't recall much about it.

 

[Eggyman]

Ben Affleck makes the mistake of finishing with a girl because he finds out she's had more sexual experience than him in the past--threesomes and stuff. By the time he realises he's made a stupid mistake by holding her history against the person she is now, she doesn't want to know.

 

[Eggyman]

LOL @ Finger Cuffs

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Ben Affleck makes the mistake of finishing with a girl because he finds out she's had more sexual experience than him in the past--threesomes and stuff. By the time he realises he's made a stupid mistake by holding her history against the person she is now, she doesn't want to know.

Oh right, the way I remembered it he was told she had finished with him first, and that drove him crazy, when he was already going crazy in the first place, and that's without even going into all sorts of other complicated things.
But I think I'm thinking of a completely different movie than the one you are talking about, the one you refer to is way too simple to be that one.

 

[Yurka]

I don't so I don't want my future wife to be that way either.

It is really unsettling knowing that my g/f or wife has had 50 other men inside of her. All this amounts to is a trait that you look for or don't look for in your love interests.

This isn't a question that I would ask because I would rather not know but if it was ever brought up and she said that she couldn't remember but it was definitely over 50 because she was crazy in her twenties then that is off putting even though she may be looking for love. I am sure there are a lot of girls who want a guy that didn't have 50 notches on his belt. This isn't an uncommon notion.

 

[The Question]

I don't so I don't want my future wife to be that way either.

It is really unsettling knowing that my g/f or wife has had 50 other men inside of her. All this amounts to is a trait that you look for or don't look for in your love interests.

This isn't a question that I would ask because I would rather not know but if it was ever brought up and she said that she couldn't remember but it was definitely over 50 because she was crazy in her twenties then that is off putting even though she may be looking for love. I am sure there are a lot of girls who want a guy that didn't have 50 notches on his belt. This isn't an uncommon notion.

I understand it's not uncommon. But why is it held? Because it strikes me as very irrational and petty.

 

[The Question]

Because I'm really old fashioned when it comes to love, and I feel like (especially since she knew she wasn't going to be going out with this guy forever) she was careless and didn't think about the feelings of someone she claimed she was waiting for.
She knew it wasn't this guy, yet, instead of oh I don't know, saving every possible intimate connection she could have for the person she knew was right, she carelessly went ahead and let this other guy touch her breasts.
I know I'm sensitive, but I love her, and I feel a little bit betrayed. Now, if she had not said to me "Oh, I've wanted to save myself for the right person... and I feel that's you." then it wouldn't be quite as big a deal. But she said that, and yet... she broke that promise to herself and to me.

How can you betray someone, or break your promise to them, before you've even met them?