Does it matter how many sexual partners your girlfriend/boyfriend has had before you?

[POWdER-man]

I agree with The Bum. Hve you seen Chasing Amy?

I don't imagine you thought you would utter those words today.

I am kind of glad I don't ever have to think about it anymore, but if I did I would like to think it wouldn't matter but I think deep down it could possibly bother me if it were a large number. I can't actually provide what that number might be so maybe it wouldn't be a problem...who knows.



This rambling was brought to you by the letter P and the number 13.

 

[Erzengel]

The wisdom from experience doesn't always come from actual experience either. Mostly emotional maturity. I always hear stories of women going through multiple relationships and not never being able to enjoy sex, and all I can think is, "Um, I think you're doing it wrong." Or maybe I'm just really lucky.

And not all virgins are unhealthy, obsessive, or angsty about it. I was a very late bloomer, and I was less nervous about my first time than my non-virgin bf was. I was a virgin when I met him and as I said, I don't really care about the other women he's been with. His devotion to me is clear enough, I don't need to get all whiny about it. No experience needed to realize that.

I know a lot of late bloomers who seemed to hit a glass ceiling when it comes to emotional maturity because of the lack or limited relationship experience.

It shows after the honeymoon period ends and those cute things you saw in the beginning now irritate you. I've seen quite a few refusal to compromise because they haven't been in long term relationships. I tend to think that wisdom and emotional maturity come mostly from experience and hopefully from making mistakes and learning from them.

 

[chaseter]

I understand it's not uncommon. But why is it held? Because it strikes me as very irrational and petty.

If two houses for sale look the exact same, one has had 5 families move in and out in 5 years and the other house has had 1 person live there for 5 years. Which one do you want? It says something about the person. They may have changed but how do you ever really know? Would you marry a person that has been married and divorced 7 times?

I know it's 2011 but I still believe in self control. I don't have much respect for the guy or girl going out every weekend to sleep with someone. But, like I said...it is never a question that I would ever bring up in the first place. Some people just prefer certain qualities or aspects of people that some others may not. Another good example would be a smoker. I will not date and certainly marry a smoker...ever. I will not date or marry someone that likes to go out and get drunk every weekend. We all have qualities we would like to see in our future mate. Plus I believe someone mentioned a societal aspect in that women prefer men who are experienced while men prefer women who are not. I believe that is true. I think something in our brain, I would say more so the male brain, wants everything to be new. It goes back hundreds of years.

 

[LOBO3315a]

It all boils down to emotional maturity. In my 20's if someone suggested my new wife had had sex with someone before me, I would sharpen my axes, and go on the warpath. In my 30's I gradually realized I wasn't the only man in the Universe, and came to accept the fact that she had had sex before we met, and had enjoyed most of it. Now that I'm divorced and in my 40's I couldn't care less how many partners someone has had, as long as they are safe and sane about what they do.

 

[AndThePickles]

I think that one who reject's someone just because they are a virgin are pretty damn shallow. What if the person ended up being good despite not having previous experience? It's okay to be put off by someone because they suck at screwing because they lack experience,but refusing to date a person just because they are a virgin is just too much. And I wouldn't want a gf who has had too many partners in the past because it would make them come off as really tarty imo.

Question for you - how is it any more shallow than anything else involved in choosing a significant other? Sexual compatibility, physical appearance and personality are all things that go into finding a partner. I don't think that any of them are shallow. I think that it would be different if a relationship was established and then someone revealed that they were a virgin. But, if that was revealed before any real connection is established, I think it's perfectly human for that to be a turn-off to some. We all have our personal preferences. For example, one of yours is that you wouldn't want a woman who has had "too many partners." How is that any different than someone who doesn't want to sleep with a virgin? The same logic can be applied in what you said about assumptions - a virgin may not be terrible in bed, and a woman with multiple partners may not be "tarty."

 

[Schlosser85]

It depends. Just because someone's had a lot of partners doesn't mean they're a ****, IMO.

To me what's more relevant is their behavior while in a relationship, as in, is it one person at a time, or do they cheat?

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

I would like to say it doesn't matter, but deep down it does.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Question for you - how is it any more shallow than anything else involved in choosing a significant other? Sexual compatibility, physical appearance and personality are all things that go into finding a partner. I don't think that any of them are shallow. I think that it would be different if a relationship was established and then someone revealed that they were a virgin. But, if that was revealed before any real connection is established, I think it's perfectly human for that to be a turn-off to some. We all have our personal preferences. For example, one of yours is that you wouldn't want a woman who has had "too many partners." How is that any different than someone who doesn't want to sleep with a virgin? The same logic can be applied in what you said about assumptions - a virgin may not be terrible in bed, and a woman with multiple partners may not be "tarty."

It wasn't a question of being more shallow than something else,that is because I don't think that it's too harsh,let alone being harsh in general. Not everyone can be a complete winner,and anyone who thinks that there is such a thing as a perfect person is living under a rock,IT IS SIMPLY UNATTAINABLE!!!! Really unattainable.

 

[Hurm...]

I completely agree with AndThePickles, it is a personal preference, and circumstances may or may not change if you choose to get to know the person.

With that being said, to me it kind of does matter, and Chaseter's post gave an excellent example of my thoughts about it (The whole house thing).

 

[S.A.A.D.]

I swear,if some certain girl rejected me just because I had no experience in the sack I would personally see that they get cussed out courtesy of me.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're in your early twenties I don't think most women would mind. But if you're pushing 30, I think some women would prefer you to have some experience.

However, I did have a friend who got with a guy, who was almost 30 and I believe it was his first real relationship, first sexual experience, got married and had their first kid within the span of 3 years.

 

[Indie]

I think the only thing that would bother me is a double standard. It seems kind of messed up that a guy who's had lots of partners wouldn't date someone just because she's had a lot as well. Like the fellow in the original post. He said he's had no more then 100 but it would "make him look at his wife differently" if she's had more then 50. Makes me want to kick him.

 

[AndThePickles]

I swear,if some certain girl rejected me just because I had no experience in the sack I would personally see that they get cussed out courtesy of me.

It sounds like you're letting your own personal emotions/ potential hurt feelings get in the way of the logic surrounding this subject. If a man rejected me because of something specific to me, that's fine. It might sting, but then on to the next one who I could be more compatible with.

 

[Anita18]

I know a lot of late bloomers who seemed to hit a glass ceiling when it comes to emotional maturity because of the lack or limited relationship experience.

It shows after the honeymoon period ends and those cute things you saw in the beginning now irritate you. I've seen quite a few refusal to compromise because they haven't been in long term relationships. I tend to think that wisdom and emotional maturity come mostly from experience and hopefully from making mistakes and learning from them.

Yes, but being in a long-term relationship doesn't mean you've had sex. My first relationship was with an equally awkward virgin guy and we lasted 1.5 years without sleeping togeter. I'd wager that's longer than many people's relationships full stop.

The fact that we broke up because we were both emotionally immature at the time I guess could be counted against me, but my current bf (my second) are coming on 2.5 years and I haven't hit a glass ceiling yet. When should I expect it at this rate?

Of course I'd also wager that I'm not like many late bloomers, but my point is that it all comes down to getting to know the individual and not resorting to assumptions.

Question for you - how is it any more shallow than anything else involved in choosing a significant other? Sexual compatibility, physical appearance and personality are all things that go into finding a partner. I don't think that any of them are shallow. I think that it would be different if a relationship was established and then someone revealed that they were a virgin. But, if that was revealed before any real connection is established, I think it's perfectly human for that to be a turn-off to some. We all have our personal preferences. For example, one of yours is that you wouldn't want a woman who has had "too many partners." How is that any different than someone who doesn't want to sleep with a virgin? The same logic can be applied in what you said about assumptions - a virgin may not be terrible in bed, and a woman with multiple partners may not be "tarty."

To be fair, I think a lot of people choose/turn down partners for very shallow reasons.

 

[Erzengel]

Yes, but being in a long-term relationship doesn't mean you've had sex. My first relationship was with an equally awkward virgin guy and we lasted 1.5 years without sleeping togeter. I'd wager that's longer than many people's relationships full stop.

The fact that we broke up because we were both emotionally immature at the time I guess could be counted against me, but my current bf (my second) are coming on 2.5 years and I haven't hit a glass ceiling yet. When should I expect it at this rate?

Well as long as you're here to speak on behalf of all the meek, late blooming, introverts.

I would consider someone who had 1 relationship lasting more than a year and half to have more experience that say someone with 3-4 who haven't lasted past a few months.

But in general, and I"m saying most not all so calm down. In general, I kind of agree with that poster said about experience. I think we all have preconceived notions of what relationships are like before we actually are in one. And most times than not they are usually shattered by emotions we aren't use to and situations we never encountered before. That's why more often times than not, are 1st relationship isn't are last relationship.

 

[knowsbleed]

If two houses for sale look the exact same, one has had 5 families move in and out in 5 years and the other house has had 1 person live there for 5 years. Which one do you want? It says something about the person. They may have changed but how do you ever really know? Would you marry a person that has been married and divorced 7 times?

You're comparing people to houses? People don't depreciate as they get more experience in life. And who here is talking about marriage? As far as I can read, the discussion has been about the number of past sexual partners.

I know it's 2011 but I still believe in self control. I don't have much respect for the guy or girl going out every weekend to sleep with someone. But, like I said...it is never a question that I would ever bring up in the first place. Some people just prefer certain qualities or aspects of people that some others may not. Another good example would be a smoker. I will not date and certainly marry a smoker...ever. I will not date or marry someone that likes to go out and get drunk every weekend. We all have qualities we would like to see in our future mate. Plus I believe someone mentioned a societal aspect in that women prefer men who are experienced while men prefer women who are not. I believe that is true. I think something in our brain, I would say more so the male brain, wants everything to be new. It goes back hundreds of years.

You're a funny guy chase...

... anyway, your example of a person who smokes or a person who drinks every weekend... what if they are reformed? They are now ex-smokers or ex-every-weekend-drinkers? Judging people by what they've done in the past should only be done when they've commited crimes... I don't care if my girlfriend got her breasts fondled when she was 18... we're both adults now and I'M the one who is doing the fondling.

Diseases aside, if my partner is willing to stay committed to me and only me, then I have no problem with how many sexual partners she's had in the past.

 

[Anita18]

Well as long as you're here to speak on behalf of all the meek, late blooming, introverts.

I would consider someone who had 1 relationship lasting more than a year and half to have more experience that say someone with 3-4 who haven't lasted past a few months.

But in general, and I"m saying most not all so calm down. In general, I kind of agree with that poster said about experience. I think we all have preconceived notions of what relationships are like before we actually are in one. And most times than not they are usually shattered by emotions we aren't use to and situations we never encountered before. That's why more often times than not, are 1st relationship isn't are last relationship.

Woo, I'm always here to speak for the meek late-blooming introverts.

And yes, I do agree that most (if not all) of us have preconceived notions about relationships which are wrong. It's just that some people learn faster than others, so as long as you've been through one relationship, then the "experience" requirement is fulfilled as far as I'm concerned.

 

[The Question]

If two houses for sale look the exact same, one has had 5 families move in and out in 5 years and the other house has had 1 person live there for 5 years. Which one do you want? It says something about the person. They may have changed but how do you ever really know? Would you marry a person that has been married and divorced 7 times?

I find the house metaphore to be erronious. People aren't houses. The most likely reason for five families living in a house for only a year at a time would be because of some problem in the neighborhood or some problem with the interior structure. There are hundreds of reasons why a person may have had several sexual partners in the past. It might be because they fear commitment, or they have some kind of sex addiction, but it could also be because they simply enjoy sexual activity, don't see a need to bcome romantically attatched to someone before having sex with them, and view their very real search for true love as something seperate from but sometimes related to their sex life. It's not an indicator that something might be wrong with the person.

As for your two questions:

1: You know by getting to know the person. That's something you'd want to do before entering into a romantic relationship anyway.

2: That's a slightly different question. Number of sexual partners simply means how many people they've had sex with. If they've been married and divorced seven times, that's seven lomg term relationships that fell apart. As for wether or not I would marry them, it really does depend. Yes, it is a much clearer indicator that this person would have relationship troubles, but as this is a hypothetical person with no other character traits besides "has been married and divorced seven times," I really can't say for sure.

I know it's 2011 but I still believe in self control. I don't have much respect for the guy or girl going out every weekend to sleep with someone. But, like I said...it is never a question that I would ever bring up in the first place. Some people just prefer certain qualities or aspects of people that some others may not. Another good example would be a smoker. I will not date and certainly marry a smoker...ever. I will not date or marry someone that likes to go out and get drunk every weekend. We all have qualities we would like to see in our future mate. Plus I believe someone mentioned a societal aspect in that women prefer men who are experienced while men prefer women who are not. I believe that is true. I think something in our brain, I would say more so the male brain, wants everything to be new. It goes back hundreds of years.

1: Who says it's an issue of self control? Going out and having regular casual sex doesn't mean you lack self control. All it means is that there's something you enjoy that you don regularly. Yes, there are sex addicts in the world, but having a lot of sex and being a sex addict aren't the same thing.

2: You are right, generally women do prefer men who are experienced and men prefer women who aren't. That is true. But does it being true make it right?

 

[knowsbleed]

Who wants to post up some numbers? Eggy, you go first.

 

[Dark Guardian]

How can you betray someone, or break your promise to them, before you've even met them?

By saying that supposedly you've been saving that part of you for the right person your whole life.

 

[Dark Guardian]

First of all, props on staying true to yourself and making the effort to live in a way that feels right for you even if it's seen as unconventional in this day and age. But I would add that you probably need to forgive her (whether that comes about through talking to her about how you feel, talking to someone else you trust about it, or finding a way to simply let it go.). She went against her personal values, and regrets it. She then renewed her efforts to stay true to her own convictions as evident in her relationship with you. I'd say the later speaks much more of her character and mind then one regretted mistake.

Though maybe you're not even that upset about it beyond a small nagging disappointment in the back of your mind, and if that's the case then you're probably fine and i congratulate you on having a relationship that you love and are proud of

I have forgiven her, and it's just as you described, this sort of disappointing feeling that I'm reminded of every once in a while and really wish didn't exist. It does but I can live with it. Thanks for the encouragement!

Who wants to post up some numbers? Eggy, you go first.

Sure. 1.

 

[Eggyman]

who wants to post up some numbers? Eggy, you go first.

23.5

 

[Anita18]

By saying that supposedly you've been saving that part of you for the right person your whole life.

The thing is that many people aren't the one-night-stand types, and only sleep with people they are in relationships with. You may feel that you've found The One, and then some time later you realize that that person was not right for you at all.

Nobody should apologize for sleeping with someone they were previously in a relationship with. Nobody can tell the future - people do change, and relationships do end. So the right person for you now may not be the right person 1 year down the road. Nobody should apologize for that, or be expected to somehow know that they'll be with the same person the rest of their life when they first start a relationship with them.

 

[WildcatNC]

I'd say your definition of 'experience' and mine are... quite different. For your information, this has been my view on the relationship I've wanted for all of my life. This isn't a new thing. I set out to find one woman, who I would date, fall in love with and marry.
It seems to me that's not your cup of tea, which is fine, but don't knock it just because it's not what you want or have gotten out of life.

Nah. I didn't mean to be rude either. Wasn't my intention, just being frank.

I'm saying a LOT of people THINK its their cup of tea till they actually go through some relationships. Then real life happens and you realize you were idealizing things based on concepts that were never practical or real in the first place.

You form ideas based off of NO evidence or experience when your young. Its a constant learning process after that figuring out how things really work.

At 16, 19, 22, 25, etc. I thought I was pretty savvy, smart, knew what i wanted and how things were supposed to be. We don't. Doesn't stop us from thinking we do though.

Its like Oscar Wilde said, "I'm not young enough to know everything".

I wish you luck though and hope you find happiness regardless. IMO your gonna have to screw up royally a few times to get it right though. t:

 

[WildcatNC]

The wisdom from experience doesn't always come from actual experience either. Mostly emotional maturity.

It pretty much does though. I'm not saying there couldn't possibly be exceptions but for the most part you get wisdom and experience from going through things, making mistakes, screwing up, being screwed over, and learning from it. Your right about emotional maturity but where does THAT come from. Experience also. Sure some have more than others naturally but learning in a vacuum is knowledge not wisdom.

And not all virgins are unhealthy, obsessive, or angsty about it.

Maybe not, but many are. We usually just don't notice because we are in the 14-18 yr old range and we are all like that. You don't really notice at the time.

You could be cool, not saying your like that. I don't know you. Doesn't mean what I said is not generally on the money though.