This happened a while back. lol
I was on the couch, watching some special on serial killers.
Once it ends, I flip off the tv, turn off the fan, turn off the light and head to my bedroom.
Once there, I turned on my tv, went into my bathroom, and then began brushing my teeth. Once finished brushing, I turn around and enter the other little room containing the toilet. I turn on the light. I start to piss when I think I hear something from the window above the toilet. Still pissing, I lean forward and peer out the blinds. Below the window are rocks, and I think I hear something like footsteps on rocks.
I wiggle out some drops of piss and then rush out to the front door and flip on the driveway lights.
At this point, I'm thinking "Should I go out there? See WTF that was? Or just leave it be?"
I decide to do the latter. I figure IF someone WAS there, they bolted when I turned on the light in the toilet room. It could have been a dog. Or nothing.
Just in case, I go to my knife collection (I'm big on collecting weapons). I pull out a nice, long blade my grandfather gave me.
So I turn on Fresh Prince, blade on my nightstand, and watch the Fresh Prince marathon for a while.
I get up to go grab an apple in the kitchen. I grab an apple from the fridge, and make my way to the sink to wash it. As I do so, I hear a strange moan. Like, a ghost-y like moan. It takes me a second to remember my fridge does that, as well as this "knocking" sound. (It sounds like someone is on the inside of the fridge, knocking, basically.) Then I hear more knocking...the sound that I hear when someone knocks on the front door. I drop the apple into the sink. "Aw, #*@!," I say, as it fell into some dirty dishes. As I mourn the loss of my apple, I reach for this long-ass butcher knife. I pull it out. And since I love the sound that's produced when you pull out a knife from it's holder, I place it back down and pull it out again. (I really do love that sound.)
So, I make my way to the front door, and turn on the porch light. I figure, if this is the a$$hole that was snooping around before, he knows someone is here already for two reasons: A: The driveway lights weren't on when he was near the bathroom, and B: the bathroom light went on.
So, I peer out one of the side windows. I see this nervous looking guy, unshaved, messy clothes. Looks like a pu$$y and I figure I can take him should he try *****.
So, I crack open the door. "It's late, man. What do you want?"
"Yo, uh...you think maybe you could let me in for a while, man?" he asks, as if he's my brother or something. "I, uh, ain't really have nowhere to go, it's cold. Just--um--just for a little while."
"I don't know you, man. Go on home. Get outta here," I say.
"You're not listening, I said I don't have nowhere to go--" and he kind of pushes on the door.
At this point, I'm pissed. Here's this jackass, trying to make his way in, also keeping me from Fresh Prince, which I can hear coming from my room. ("Commercial break over, damn," I think. "Gotta get rid of this jackass.")
So I whip out the knife, and he backs up a little.
"Was that you sneaking around here a little earlier? Huh? Get the $*#& off my porch, guy. Make your way right out my $*#%ing gate and get the *#@% out of here."
"Hey, hey...calm down. Just let me stay in your courtyard, huh? I--" he says.
Well, $*#& this, I think. I step out of the door.
I hold the knife to him. But he moves in a flash -- next thing I know the knife is on the ground. No problem...this guy looks weak, I could--
Before I can finish my inner monologue, this rat fink bastard uppercuts me.
Well, I'm not having that, so I roundhouse him. BAM! He smacks into the water fountain. At this point, I could hear Mortal Kombat music playing in my head. "IT'S ON!!" I rush him.
He dodges in a flash--he's a fast little bastard.
He swoops from the side and knocks me into the wall. His mistake. I have leverage. I push myself off the wall, slamming into him. I knock him to the ground. WHAM! WHAM! I land three or four punches on him.
He boots me in the dick -- low blow -- so I curl over, in pain. He gets up. He's about to, what? Curbstop me? What? I don't want to find out, so I legsweep him. His head knocks into the gate. A "HIIIIYAAAAA!" slips from my mouth as I leap forward, latching onto him like a rabid animal. I hold him by the neck, and slam his head repeatedly into the gate.
Then, I get creative. I open the gate, place his bloody head right where it closes...then SLAM the gate repeatedly into him.
Growing bored of that, I drag him a few feet to the fountain, and begin to drown
him. "I GOTCHA NOW, #*#&@^@%%!%!#*#$(%^!"
But he somehow breaks free (What? He was slippery!) and makes his way to my front door.
I lunge forward and grab his legs. He falls forward, his head slamming into the tile in my house.
I laugh. Then I stand up, grab this little tree-in-a-pot-thing (I don't know WTF it is, I didn't buy it) and slam it over his head. Then, I grab the second and do the same. (This is probably where the "FINISH HIM!!!!!1111one!!!" would appear. So I do.) I grab the door, and...WHAAAAAAAM!
He's done.
The cops come, drag his finky ass out, and I make my way into my room for some Fresh Prince...to discover that the marathon has ended, and "Home Improvement" is on. (You know that myth that says all white people like Home Improvement? Not true, guys.)
So I make my way for the blade on my nightstand...
THE END!! TADA!!!
Th-th-th-th-that's all, FOLKS!
