Superman Returns Five-Minute Superman Returns


Oct 21, 2003
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This, of course, follows on the heels of Five-Minute Spider-Man 3, Five-Minute Fantastic Four, and of course, Five-Minute Punisher 2. Enjoy.




AUDIENCE: It's all downhill from here...


SUPERMAN: I'm back from Krypton or wherever...

AUDIENCE: But didn't you say at the end of the second movie that you'd never leave again?

SUPERMAN: Ummm... look, over there!

AUDIENCE: What? Ooohhh... flying...

SUPERMAN: Heh heh... gets 'em every time.


CLARK: Chief, I'm back.

PERRY: And just in time to cover Superman's return!

LOIS: Don't you think that's a little suspicious?

PERRY: Lois, c'mon. We're all highly-observant reporters. If Smallville wants to think he can fool us by parting his hair on the other side and taking off his glasses, we have to humor him. In fact, every reputable newspaper does. Oh, and Newsweek too.



PIMP: Yo, that is one bad outfit!

SUPERMAN: Oh? You like?

PIMP: No, I meant bad as in BAD, not bad as in good.

SUPERMAN: I have a spit-curl!


CLARK: Hey, Lois, wanna kiss my S?

LOIS: Sorry, Clark, but I'm engaged to the son of the editor of the newspaper you work for.

SPIDER-MAN: Rip-off!

CLARK: Oh, like you losing your superpowers was SO original...

SPIDER-MAN: You wanna go, Mr. I-wear-my-underwear-on-the-outside?

CLARK: I'll make you my *****!

SPIDER-MAN: But won't Michael Rosenbaum be jealous?

CLARK: At least he's cuter than Kirsten Dunst!

SPIDER-MAN: Yeah, well... ****, he's got me there.


JIMMY: Hey Mr. Kent.

CLARK: Jimmy! I heard about your alternate lifestyle and I'd just like to say...

JIMMY: Alternate lifestyle? What are you talking about?

CLARK: Why, I thought you were a hip, happening homosexual who'd connect with all the kids in the audience. (wink).

JIMMY: ****ing Jon Peters...


CLARK: Man, I wonder which of my rogue's gallery will be brought to the screen? After all, the audience is waiting with bated breath to see such villains as Lex Luthor and... Lex Luthor and... and... ****.


CLARK: Here we go again.


CLARK: So, are you going to be the used car salesman Luthor that Gene Hackman played or a more calculating, smooth Luthor as seen on Smallville and in post-Crisis Superman titles?

LEX: You know what? Yes.


CLARK: You know, I'm kinda curious to see how the author will make a fiver of this, since he barely knows any details about the plot.

ME: No spoilers!

CLARK: Well, gee, Clark, I don't know.

CLARK: What? You're me!

CLARK: No! I'm you!

CLARK: Gasp! We're both us!

CLARK: (faints)


CLARK: Supermen, actually.

CLARK: I thought you were unconscious.


LEX: Clark, you've gotta help me! It's Lex from the Abrams draft!

CLARK: The federal agent one? That doesn't sound too bad...

LEX: He's played by Keanu Reeves.



CLARK: Lex, we must travel into our old movie projects to find out what went wrong?

LEX: What do you mean, what went wrong? It's Jon Peters! He's a complete ****-up! Everybody knows it!

CLARK: Ummm... Lex? Ix-nay on the anagement-may.

LEX: No, I will not shut up! Jon Peters should be institutionalized before he ruins another comic book movie by dumbing it down for the kids! Him and Denise Di Novi are idiots who ruin everything they touch! They're the reason Marvel is making billions on their comic book adaptations while we're getting raped up the ass! I may be only a fictional character, but I know bad business when I see it! Peters, why don't you suck Di Nova's dick? But then, you'd probably enjoy it.

CLARK: What... lightning didn't strike you?

LEX: No. You see, even though I'm the property of DC, here I'm being used satirically or as a parody. Therefore, it's perfectly legal for me to lampoon all the CRACK ****ES at Warner Brothers.

CLARK: Ah. Okay.

LEX: Ted Turner gives liberals a bad name. The man made Captain Planet! I mean, seriously...

CLARK: C'mon, we've gotta get going.

LEX: Right. Just let me get my "I am God" T-shirt.

CLARK: You're going to wear it ironically, right? Right?


CLARK: Oh snap! Here comes Superman Lives!


CLARK: My God! You're Nicolas Cage!

LEX: Wasn't Ghost Rider enough for your mad fanboy lusts?

SUPERMAN LIVES: It's directed by Mark Steven Johnson! The man who put the "dick" in Johnson! My film's going to suck and he's going to blame it on the studio for making it PG-13!

LEX: Oh... sorry.

SUPERMAN LIVES: S'alright. Well, I'm a Burton creation, so I've gotta brood now.

CLARK: Well, okay...

SUPERMAN LIVES: Still brooding.


CLARK: Where are we now, Keyser So... I mean, Lex?

LEX: I don't know... it appears to be Smallville... yet within a few hours' drive of Metropolis?

CLARK: Metropolis. Someone was feeling REALLY creative when they came up with that name.

LEX: Hey, a mansion. Maybe someone can help us in there...

CLARK 2: Hey! It's the future uses! This is just like Bill & Ted...

LEX 2: Clark, go be an asshat somewhere else.

CLARK 2: Will you braid my hair later?

LEX 2: Yes, snookums. Now go watch your cartoons.

CLARK: My God! In this universe, I'm an idiotic jackass and you're apparently my gay lover! I don't know how it could get any worse!

LANA: Yoohoo...

LEX: The light of her halo is blinding me!

CLARK: Show's creators... trying to... force everyone to love her...

LEX 2: I love Lana more!

CLARK 2: No, I love Lana more!

CLARK: Lex! C'mon, let's run for it!

LEX: Feet don't fail me now!


CLARK: Lex, have you ever wondered what it would be like, you know, with...

LEX: Shut up. Shut up and don't you ever talk again.


CLARK: Where are we now? All I see is white, unfinished space.

LEX: This must be Kevin Smith's Superman.

CLARK: Hey! Kevin Smith! I like him!

LEX: Yes, he is a good writer. Unfortunately, he's also one lazy son of a *****.

BLACK CAT: Hey, sailor, looking for a good time?

CLARK: Gasp! The Black Cat! And Fletch! Suspended in character limbo!

BULLSEYE: We're all in limbo. Waiting for Kevin Smith to finish our stories...

GREEN HORNET: Join us... Join us...

CLARK: Lex, c'mon! We can't stay here.

LEX: I'm sorry, Clark... but after seeing the other me, I must reassert my heterosexuality. It's time to Pay It Forward.


CLARK: Alright... looks like I'm on my own...


CLARK: Where am I... can barely talk... camera angles changing so fast... Bruckheimer?

MCG: No... it is I... The McG!

CLARK: Is that, like, an acronym or something?

MCG: Fool! Audiences do not crave deep stories with myriad character development, clever writing, and exciting plot twists! All they want is big explosions, fast cars, and really, really, ridiculously good-looking women!

CLARK: You're wrong, McG! Well, actually you're right... But I know your one weakness!

MCG: Oh, really?

CLARK: Yes! By shooting this simple conversation from 15,000 angles, including CGI zooms through our bodies, and setting it to a snappy pop song, you've already exhausted your entire budget!


CLARK: Sucks to be you, McG!


CLARK: I wonder where I am now?

BATMAN: At last we meet, Clark Kent... or should I say... Superman?

CLARK: What? How could you know who I am? I just got here and there's no possible way you could know anything about me!

BATMAN: I'm Batman. I can ovulate if I try hard enough.

CLARK: That's disgusting.

BATMAN: Isn't it though? Anyway, we must KUNG-FU FIGHT!

CLARK: Hmm, I must've leaped into Superman Vs. Batman.

BATMAN: That's Batman Vs. Superman!

CLARK: Bats? You're a guy who works out a lot. I'm a guy who shoots lasers out of his eye. At which point did you think this fight was a good idea?

BATMAN: ...they brought barrels of money to my house! I just started signing things! Then before you know it there are nipples on my costume and... and... I'm co-starring with Chris O'Donell!

CLARK: There there... there there...


CLARK: I must go now. I've made some new friends...


CLARK: And some new enemies...

TY-ZOR: Boo! Ha ha ha! Scary!

CHLOE: Clark, do you really have to go?

CLARK: I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice. But just remember, as long as people keep the principles of truth, justice, and the American way in their heart... as long as children dream of daring heroics and dastardly villains... as long as nobody tries to give me a ****ing blue and white costume... Superman will be there.



CLARK: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth it's getting pretty damn dull around here.

SUPERMAN LIVES: Still brooding.


And so Clark woke to find himself trapped in development hell, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to make a lot of money on merchandising, paperback tie-ins, and crosspromotion.. His only guide on this journey is Jor-El, an observer from his own planet, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Clark can see and hear. And so Kal-El finds himself leaping from project to project, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap to the silver screen.


CLARK: Y'know, I can't help but think I forgot something...

LOIS: Ride me, Richard White. Ride me like Seabiscuit!
That was pretty inciteful on the whole and made me laugh a couple of times. Good work! I like the Quantum Leap reference at the end.
I do have to say the Quantum Leap reference made me laugh the most. Other highlights: Keanu Reaves as Agent Lex and Spiderman. Maybe you'll recreate this with more plot knowledge, hehe.
lol. brilliant!!! funny, sarcastic and sad as well. :up:
Toren said:
I do have to say the Quantum Leap reference made me laugh the most. Other highlights: Keanu Reaves as Agent Lex and Spiderman. Maybe you'll recreate this with more plot knowledge, hehe.

But if I did that, then I would have to create a new Five-Minute Spider-Man 3 with Topher Grace in it and do YOU know any Topher Grace jokes? I'm starting to wonder if they just to keep adding people to the cast and not letting us know who they're playing until opening day. You wanna find out who Ron Perlman is playing? See the movie! You wanna find out who Gwen Stefani is playing? See the movie!
Good point.

Course I was thinking back when reading your fiver SP3 and I could just think of all the Topher jokes going back and forth.

Very good, the Blazing Saddles' references were awesome.

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