Five-Minute V For Vendetta

POLICEMAN: Ha, we are going to rape you! Because only in a dystopian future would cops be corrupt.

EVEY: Yes, if only the world would embrace anarchy, then everyone would work together.

POLICEMAN: And I guess I'd stop being a rapist. Oh well, time for raping.

V: This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vangquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.











V: Today's episode of V For Vendetta is brought to you by the letter V.

***

AUDIENCE: Wow, Hugo Weaving... we'd feel sorry for him being in this piece of crap if he hadn't agreed to work with the Wachowski Brothers AFTER making The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions.

HUGO WEAVING: I never learn, do I?

***

V: Welcome to my clubhouse. For the entire movie, I'm going to be a badass by pretentiously quoting poetry and whatnot and never giving a straight answer. Thus will you be enlightened.

EVEY: Okay, what's the first lesson?

V: Wax on, wax off.

***

ALAN MOORE: Hey, I'm Alan Moore.

WACHOWSKI BROS: We're the Wachowski Brothers.

DOT: And the Wachowski Sister, Dot.

ALL: And we're here to blow your mind with some hard-hitting philosophical truths!

AUDIENCE: The Wachowski Brothers and lots of philosophical naval-gazing... how could we go wrong?

ALAN MOORE: How's this... Nazism is bad! Ha! Have I blown your minds, squares?

AUDIENCE: Wait, isn't it a bit intellectually dishonest how you sell the benefits of anarchy by contrasting it to Nazism? I mean, I think just about any sane individual would prefer any system of government to Nazism.

ALAN MOORE: You know, you make a very good point... RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

***

EVIL CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE REALLY NAZIS: Boo! Haha! Look at us, all evil in our conservativeness. Remember, the secret dream of all conservatives is to throw all the homosexuals, black people, and Jews into camps.

ALAN MOORE: Making value judgments about a whole group of people and hating them for their beliefs is wrong.






ALAN MOORE: ****ing Republicans.

***

V: I will not only fight the Nazis with vigilante actions, but also by debasing their core beliefs, thus defeating them both physically and philosophically.

EVEY: Sooo... you're basically just a British Billy Jack?

V: I'm going to lock you up without food or water now.

EVEY: To enlighten me?

V: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

***

V: Alright, Evey, now stay in there until you agree with my personal beliefs.

EVEY: Wait a minute... isn't that brainwashing? Exactly what the Nazis did to you? In fighting them, have you become worse than the terror you claim to combat? In fact, in attacking and liberating a people from a government system you personally dislike but that seems to work for them, aren't you doing exactly what Bush is doing in Iraq, with less justification?

V: Evey, Evey, Evey... I can't answer those questions. But I can expect you not to ask them and instead follow me in a messianic fervor.

***

VOICE OF SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: I love dolls.

V: I'm going to use that to destroy you, FREAK!

ALAN MOORE: Remember, hating people for being different is wrong.

***

PRIEST: Ha! I'm in league with the Nazis! I also like ****es, so I'm a hypocrite as well.

AUDIENCE: Isn't this a bit disrespectful to the priests that risked their lives to transport Jews away from the REAL Nazis?

ALAN MOORE: Well, surely my negative portrayal of a priest in a comic book is offset by ALL the positive portrayals my colleagues have made over the years. Like Styrker in God Loves, Man Kills. Or that intolerant priest in that one issue of Alias. Or Deacon Frost. Or the new Black Knight in that Black Panther series. Or Azrael. Or...

***

EVEY: Now I've shaven my heads so that I can be a tough *****! What an innovative and original twist!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER IN ALIEN 3: Remember ladies...

DEMI MOORE IN G.I. JANE: Bald is beautiful.

***

ALAN MOORE: Once more, condemning people for who they love is wrong.

LEAD EVIL GUY: I'm in love with a computer.

ALAN MOORE: BOO! YOU SUCK, FREAK!

LEAD EVIL GUY: Well, it's better than the time I introduced her to my parents... can I help it if she's not Jewish?

***

V: I wear a Guy Fawkes mask.

AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, wait a minute... You've made a movie glorifying a REAL LIFE act of terrorism? What kind of sick freaks are you people? In four hundred years, are you going to remake this movie with V wearing an Osama Bin Laden mask?

ALAN MOORE: No, no, no... well, if it makes money, sure...

***

V: Now I'm going to break into a TV station and broadcast out over the airwaves to tell people that they're living immoral lives and have to change.

EVEY: So you're basically a televangelist?

V: No! I'm just going to tell the people that they're fat slobs and have to get off their asses and change!

EVEY: So you're Richard Simmons?

V: ...Goddamnit Evey.

***

WARNING! HERE COMES THE BIG PLOT TWIST! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE THE SHEER FORCE OF ALAN MOORE'S AWESOME WRITING SPOILED FOR YOU!

ALAN MOORE: Hey! V used to be in a concentration camp! But you never see his face, so he could be a *** or a ****** or a kike. Isn't that progressive of me? And you can just fill in whichever minority is least offensive to you.

AUDIENCE: Are you sure this isn't a cheap ploy to get out of writing an origin, since you can't write one that will be satisfying?

ALAN MOORE: Hahahaha... RELEASE THE DOGS!

***

V: Now I'm going to throw an entire city into disarray with an act of terrorism because I don't agree with their morality.

9/11: Uhhh... hello? I'm standing right here. Hello?

***

WOMAN: Help me! My husband was killed and I'm being raped in the rioting that V is directly responsible for!

V: Don't worry... all the personal consequences of my actions can be glossed over in the film.

EVEY: But what about all the people you've killed?

V: Evey, to bring about my new world order, some of the old order has to be cleansed away. I was only doing what was necessary to bring about a utopia... of blonde, blue-eyed Aryans. I just compared myself to a Nazi again, didn't I?

EVEY: Yep.

V: I gotta stop doing that.

***

V: Evey... I'm dying!

EVEY: But why?

V: Because the heroes always die in pretentious, metaphor-laden films.

JOEL SILVER: It's what differentiates serious works of art from effects-driven, mindless action movies... or so I'm told.

V: Evey, you have to take my place. But don't look under my mask.

EVEY: I already know what you look like, Hugo, we all do. You were in the two most epic trilogies released in recent years.

V: No, not that. I have a really big zit.

EVEY: Oh. Okay.

***

META-AUDIENCE: Wow, I'm impressed. Zev's gotten through this without making a single "Mr. Anderson" crack.

ZEV: Give me a little credit. I'm above such lowest common denominator antics.

***

V: I swear, the thing has its own skeleton structure.

EVEY: Uh-huh.

V: I tried to pop it the other day and it said “Hands off, buddy!”

EVEY: Alright! I get it!

***

EVEY: People of London, fascism has been defeated for all time and anarchic paradise will reign forever. Because after revolutions, people never backslide into bloodshed and tyranny.

FRENCH REVOLUTION: Hello? I'm standing right here.

***

PEOPLE OF LONDON: We will now all wear Guy Fawkes' masks to symbolize our collective enlightenment.

FANS: Boo! Hiss! This is a crime against Art itself!

AUDIENCE: Wait a minute... where'd they all get the V masks?

EVIL CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE REALLY NAZIS: Argh! They have enlightened ideals! That is more than a match for us having thousands of endoctrined shock troops! Run away! Run away!

***

GUSHING REVIEWERS: OMG! So relevant! Take that, Bush administration!

That's what you're going to hear, I guarantee it. But the truth is, V For Vendetta won't be relevant. Neither was Land of the Dead, Kingdom of Heaven, or any of the other movies that tried to “make a statement” to educate us poor yokels outside Hollywood-Land. The last film that was really relevant to the world was Lord of the Rings. There is evil out there and it won't rest until we've either fallen in line with it or been destroyed. It won't go away if we close down Gitmo or elect a Democratic president. It won't sit idly by while we make adolescent fantasies about how the “real” danger is from power-hungry conservatives who want to suspend all our civil liberties or mean CIA agents or nasty military men (thanks Ennis!). The only way to stop it is to take out both terrorists and the nations that support them. Now, while there may be disagreement on how to go about this (I'm looking at you, Iraq), only a fool would think we could “just leave them alone.” So, on the fourth of November, you have a choice. You can either see a movie about how terrorism is justified and the big bad Republicans are coming to put us all in camps... or you can read a book. With pages and stuff. Trust me, it's funner than it sounds.

But hey, it's up to you.

***

META-AUDIENCE: THat's all well and good, but it seems to be missing something.

ZEV: Alright, fine...

***

EVEY: Ride me, V. Ride me like Seabiscuit.

V: Didn't you hear? I might be gay!

 

Is that on DVD? Keep in mind, if it is, I will stop at nothing to acquire it.

Ahhh, Batman: TAS, A-Team, Ultra-Man, and Animaniacs... I had a blessed childhood.

 

In other news, in Iran two teenage boys were HUNG for being gay. But I'm sure the real repressive regime is in England and they're going to put all the homosexuals and Jews in camps any day now. Yup, any minute... annnnny minute...

 

Ummm... satire IS bitter and cynical attacks on opposing viewpoints. That's kinda the whole idea.

 

Well, I took a gamble on that. But I figure every once in a while you got to take a stand. Especially since I lack the kind of subtle wit to make razor-sharp satire like, say, making the evil Neo-Nazis' symbol a cross with two tines.



What could it all mean...?

 

I'm going to be having a little trouble with the "ZOMG! BUSH IS HITLER!" because it's just a permutation on "ZOMG! THATCHER IS HITLER!" which... kinda turned out to be not true. Unless I'm mistaken, Great Britain is totally concentration-camp-free. It's like one of those fifties sci-fi movies where, in the far-flung year of 2000, everyone drives flying cars and eats whole meals in pill form.

And the whole V For Vendetta enterprise violates Godwin's Law.

 

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Except this guy, of course.



I'm sorry, but the Perlman cannot be spoiled by petty political affiliations. He should be enjoyed by all political spectrums. Except for those dirty hippies.

And I think Count Your Sheep is about one million times better than the V For Vendetta graphic novel.

 

Yeah... fascist like a FOX!