So I'm 25 years old, and I live on my own. But I have only been on my own for a year. I lived with my parents until I was 24. Living in California, with no education, it was next to impossible for me to get out of the house, and be able to afford it. I tried living with some friends for a bit, but I got screwed over and lost the friendship.
So in January last year, I packed up and moved across the country. My brother lives in Tennessee, and I came out here to live.
I've been doing decently. Despite having my parents take care of me for, a long time, I know how to work. I work 2 jobs, and while I struggle sometimes, I am able to take care of myself. My bills and rent get paid. I have food and groceries. It's tough, but it gets done.
But I think I've realized that emotionally, I have been unable to take care of myself. When I first got out here, it wasn't a problem. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my brother, and his family. Started meeting some new people and going out. It was fun.
But the past couple months or so (especially around Christmas, my first away from home), things changed. I've been suffering from relentless anxiety since December. I made a post about my illogical fear of flying because I was supposed to go home to California (a trip I ultimately cancelled, for various reasons, but the dominating one was my anxiety and fear). Back in July, I took myself to the emergency for chest pains, thinking I was having a heart attack - only to be told I was perfectly healthy and there was nothing wrong with me (I am now in debt to the hospital $1300 for a gas pain...
). I recently went through a major phase where I became emotionally crippled by the thought of my own mortality (and the mortality of my loved ones, especially my parents). Just the knowledge that ONE day, the time will come that my parents won't be here, and eventually, I won't be here. And now - I've had, well I wouldn't even call it a headache. It doesn't hurt. But I feel a weird sensation sometimes when I bend over to pick something up, and have had a weird feeling in my head. What is in actuality more than likely a head cold, I have built up in my head as a brain tumor
I try to go out, a lot of this I think is just anxiety from being alone (and not just romantically, but I don't have that many friends out here that I spend much time with), but whenever I get home, my mind floods back to these negative thoughts. I've tried meditation, and it helps slightly, but not a bit.
The world is changing around me, and I think I'm finally beginning to realize it. I've lived in a rather sheltered bubble most of my life, and now I've broken completely out of it without little transition. It was one extreme to another.
And I think that I am realizing recently that I have much growing up to do still. I feel I am very mature on a lot of levels, but on a lot of emotional levels, I'm not mature. The world (and it's finiteness) scares me, and I don't know how to deal with it.
No, I don't need advice. I'm just venting. It's been a rough patch of time for me these past couple months. But I don't need advice. The fact remains that it is I that has the growing up to do, and certain things I need to face head on for myself. But it is nice to vent sometimes.
