My life is falling apart!!

[Bill]

Others have given you decent advice, but I just picked out this: "(I was drinking to much that night too) and drove down to her work, where I ordered her outside, and yelled at her like no other."

First you drove drunk, which makes you a kind of dog**** that doesn't even apply to whatever person you are otherwise, then the other no-no, you confronted her drunk and not thinking clearly. Hopefully, lesson learned on both counts.

 

[JokerNick]

That's a problem right there. She's like Star Wars and you're like StarWarsAgent. Not healthy.[/font]


Ha, worst thing in the world to hear. It pretty much means that you're over. Even if she takes you back after being such an ass****, (which is a common behaviour among abused women), you may even slog through and continue to keep eachother on/off, miserable/happy for years, but it will end eventually.



I heard some women talking about flowers and I agreed with them. After a while, the Pavlovian response to "flowers" is suspicion, fear, pain.....because so many dudes only buy flowers when they've done something horrible, so that's the association. lol




1) You will not "treat her like a princess from now on", so why make that promise. Start at just treating her like a human being.
You could rub her feet for 2,700 hours, buy her 20 fur coats and become her 24/7 multiple orgasm hook-up.....it won't erase the memory of how cruel and possessive you've been, AND it won't erase that tendency in yourself.

2) My ex-fiance and I went to counseling to try and save our 4 year relationship.
I was super, mega skeptical, only went because she wanted to.
So of course I was blown away when the most amazing insights were revealed to me, it was like taking a sledge hammer and painfully bashing away at a shell of denial and debris that had slowly been caking over my psyche.
Then, cynical I, was all, "Oh, doi....I guess there's a reason that people do this counseling crap, and they're not just Oprah-esque drama dweebs!

However.....when the fighting was getting worse and worse, and the apologies and make-up screw-a-thons started to ring more and more hollow....we'd both agree that we were 2 effed up people, but that we truly in love like never before and that it would be a shame to have had met, but ended up wasting eachother on self-improvement....
(meaning, since this was the the deepest, both the happiest and the unhappiest, most intense relationship we'd ever had, and the first time we'd both been with someone we really wanted to be with forever.....we were both unleashing all this pent up emotional crap that neither of us had been aware of, so it would suck to find out what wretched jerks we were at the core NOW, emotionally tear eachother up as some ignorant reflex, lose our incredible Love, and then get so low that we'd eventually, on our own, get counseling, mature, and have learned so much about what NOT to do in a relationship, that we'd be freaking phenomenally aware, careful, loving, fun and well-adjusted Lovers with someone ELSE, down the road.)

Sadly, that's just what happened. I can't even believe, I mean seriously can not believe I was the person I was when I was with her.....but a lot of that is because I was like 18 - 23 when I was with her and I'm 35 now.

I'd say go for the counseling, but my guess would be that these relationships where a "big personality change" is required can not last, that the pain/guilt is too hard to release, and that sadly, it's after they end, that the big changes take hold and then you go on and become a better person to be in a relationship with....IF you're successful.

But you definitely have to be motivated to change because you're unhappy with what a jealous, possessive and angry ass**** you are as a PERSON, not just because you're afraid of losing her.

the thing is I want to change..... Katie nailed it right on the head... she told me, that most of the time, I'm the greatest person in the world, that wether I see it or not, i have a big heart, I'm caring, supportive, and loving, BUT, that i have this part inside of me, that comes out every once in awhile that is the exact opposite of that.... when she sees me at my best, she is 100% head over heals for me, but when i'm at my worse, she gets afraid....

**** it, I don't care.... the hole reason I got this anger issue, is becuase when i was 17, i was drugger, and raped, by my male couisn.... the anger, deppression, feelings of sadness eat at me all the time.... it sucks... that almost destroyed me, because my family (except my parents, sibling and grandparents) blamed me... all my aunts, unlces, cousins, everyone, blamed me, and that's the reason our family is torn apart, and everyone blames me, not my cousin...

and katie and I met, when i was very weak, and she helped me regain alot of what I lost....

 

[y2jversion1]

Maybe instead of both of you seeing a counsellor - YOU should see a psychiatrist and get your own issues solved first - as it's not her that's got the problems, it's you. And I don't mean it in a demeaning way or trying to say you're crazy - seeing a psycho-therapist can help a lot by helping take a huge burden off your back. I speak from experience.

Although my issues did not overflow into my relationship - I felt I was deteriorating inside and just felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. One day I was like screw this and went to see a therapist - cost me $200, but it was the best $200 I ever spent. I have never felt better and my outlook on life has been renewed since then.

The thing is, I knew the problems I had, however it was like I needed a kick in the ass from the therapist to get myself on track and to make the changes I needed to. You already know that you have a problem, which is the first step towards renewal - hopefully a therapist would help you get your train on the tracks. Again, I'm talking about a psychiatrist/psycho-therapist, not a relationship counsellor. You can go to a relationship counsellor, however until you don't fix your internal wiring, it won't do much help..maybe only temporary. Fix the problem from it's root.

All the best.

 

[y2jversion1]

Maybe instead of both of you seeing a counsellor - YOU should see a psychiatrist and get your own issues solved first - as it's not her that's got the problems, it's you. And I don't mean it in a demeaning way or trying to say you're crazy - seeing a psycho-therapist can help a lot by helping take a huge burden off your back. I speak from experience.

Although my issues did not overflow into my relationship - I felt I was deteriorating inside and just felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. One day I was like screw this and went to see a therapist - cost me $200, but it was the best $200 I ever spent. I have never felt better and my outlook on life has been renewed since then.

The thing is, I knew the problems I had, however it was like I needed a kick in the ass from the therapist to get myself on track and to make the changes I needed to. You already know that you have a problem, which is the first step towards renewal - hopefully a therapist would help you get your train on the tracks. Again, I'm talking about a psychiatrist/psycho-therapist, not a relationship counsellor. You can go to a relationship counsellor, however until you don't fix your internal wiring, it won't do much help..maybe only temporary. Fix the problem from it's root.

All the best.

 

[JokerNick]

Maybe instead of both of you seeing a counsellor - YOU should see a psychiatrist and get your own issues solved first - as it's not her that's got the problems, it's you. And I don't mean it in a demeaning way or trying to say you're crazy - seeing a psycho-therapist can help a lot by helping take a huge burden off your back. I speak from experience.

Although my issues did not overflow into my relationship - I felt I was deteriorating inside and just felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. One day I was like screw this and went to see a therapist - cost me $200, but it was the best $200 I ever spent. I have never felt better and my outlook on life has been renewed since then.

The thing is, I knew the problems I had, however it was like I needed a kick in the ass from the therapist to get myself on track and to make the changes I needed to. You already know that you have a problem, which is the first step towards renewal - hopefully a therapist would help you get your train on the tracks. Again, I'm talking about a psychiatrist/psycho-therapist, not a relationship counsellor. You can go to a relationship counsellor, however until you don't fix your internal wiring, it won't do much help..maybe only temporary. Fix the problem from it's root.

All the best.

thats what I meant. I saw a pyschatrist for about two months, then stopped going....

 

[Hades]

thats what I meant. I saw a pyschatrist for about two months, then stopped going....

Yeah, did they help at all? I know with my case, they never really made much of a difference. I think counseling helps for some, but not everybody..either that or I was just seeing ones that weren't very good at their jobs

Maybe you just need to take some time off work and everybody in your life right now and take a vacation, to kind of relax and think things through a litle more.

 

[JokerNick]

Yeah, did they help at all? I know with my case, they never really made much of a difference. I think counseling helps for some, but not everybody..either that or I was just seeing ones that weren't very good at their jobs

Maybe you just need to take some time off work and everybody in your life right now and take a vacation, to kind of relax and think things through a litle more.

it did help, that's why I stopped going, I thought I was better... but I wasn't, it came back.....

Katie is coming up for lunch today... so we can talk some more, plus, she is off of work tonight, so we will have some more time to talk... she called me today to see how works going.... meant alot to me

 

[JokerNick]

I just know that, us meeting each other a few years back, didn't happen by chance... she agrees that we are meant for one another,... but we both have to realize that for it to come true.... she has realized that... I just have.... and I hope it's not too late.....

 

[redmarvel]

1. Sort out your problems - see a psychiatrist & psychologist and wait until THEY give you a clean bill of health before assuming you are cured.

2. STOP DRINKING. If you can't keep control of yourself when you've been drinking, then don't drink. If you do drink, limit yourself to 2 drinks for an evening.

3. Set some ground rules. Example, if either one of you is coming in after 10pm, leave a message on the phone to let the other one know where you are, where you will be and to let them know when you expect to be home. Make sure that the same rules apply to both of you.

 

[Darthphere]

Are you listening to Simple Plan?

 

[JokerNick]

Are you listening to Simple Plan?

**** no, hate that emo ****

I'm slipknot fella....

 

[Sensi]

Relationships are tough. Just reading what you say makes my heart hurt. I don't know if things will be the same but even if they are not please stay in counseling and maybe drinking isn't so good for you. You need no lecture from me. .Just remember to always try to think how she feels and how she is seeing things before you react. She is your love so in your mind put her before yourself.

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Slipknot is just Halloween-Emo.

 

[Darren Daring]

**** no, hate that emo ****

I'm slipknot fella....

Because they're so life affirming?

 

[JokerNick]

Relationships are tough. Just reading what you say makes my heart hurt. I don't know if things will be the same but even if they are not please stay in counseling and maybe drinking isn't so good for you. You need no lecture from me. .Just remember to always try to think how she feels and how she is seeing things before you react. She is your love so in your mind put her before yourself.

I honestly beleive things will be fine.. she said she still loves me, we both live together, and both have alot of invested in one another...... like I said, she's coming down for lunch today... then were going shoppin for bedroom stuff tonight... so it seems as if she is started to heal... but i have learned the most important lesson of my life this weekend.... and I thank god for that....

 

[JokerNick]

Slipknot is just Halloween-Emo.

there first two albums were... but not their latest... plus, the new stone sour CD is very very good....

to each their own man

 

[Holly Goodhead]

I thought you werent able to walk? This story makes no sense to me.

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

there first two albums were... but not their latest... plus, the new stone sour CD is very very good....

to each their own man

Ah, yes. I only heard songs from their first album and they were so impossibly, embarrassingly atrocious that I've gone out of my way to avoid even hearing snippets of them ever since, so I wouldn't know.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

Ah, yes. I only heard songs from their first album and they were so impossibly, embarrassingly atrocious that I've gone out of my way to avoid even hearing snippets of them ever since, so I wouldn't know.

That's it, go to your room this instant.

 

[JokerNick]

I thought you werent able to walk? This story makes no sense to me.

nope.. I'm on crutches now... I had a kit installed on my car, that has a throttle and brake on the steering wheel...

 

[Sensi]

I honestly beleive things will be fine.. she said she still loves me, we both live together, and both have alot of invested in one another...... like I said, she's coming down for lunch today... then were going shoppin for bedroom stuff tonight... so it seems as if she is started to heal... but i have learned the most important lesson of my life this weekend.... and I thank god for that....

I am very glad to hear that. Just remember always try to put yourself in her shoes before any reaction. We girls have our own way of thinking.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

nope.. I'm on crutches now... I had a kit installed on my car, that has a throttle and brake on the steering wheel...

So you just drag your legs behind you?

 

[Super_Ludacris]

well, when you can't live for yourself.... its hard to explain....

Can I ask, how many relationships have you been in with girls in your life? I'm being sincere here cause I think I know what the issue is...

 

[JokerNick]

Ah, yes. I only heard songs from their first album and they were so impossibly, embarrassingly atrocious that I've gone out of my way to avoid even hearing snippets of them ever since, so I wouldn't know.

I agree, but their new ablum is really really good, I think they won a grammy for it, but I could be wrong... produced by Rick Ruben I believe.... they matured alot......

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

I think it's especially hard for jealous, possessive, paranoid, suspicious guys to have girlfriends who are waitresses.