Okay, I am currently engaged, as many of you know… I love my girl to death, she is everything to me, she is probably the only reason I am alive and well today (whole other story)…… this last Friday was almost the end of me… I was getting mad, because she just finished up with school (took summer classes to finish early), and she stayed out this past Thursday after work, to just hang with some co-workers (play darts), I was mad because she never told me where she was (we live together BTW), well she got home around midnight, which is really late for her, she told me where she was, but I was still mad…. Well Friday came, I never gave her a kiss or hug goodbye, I was still mad at her, later that day I messaged her “so how was “playing’” darts, I’m not an idiot BTW”… well that Friday night came, she was working again (waitressing), I went out with my friends, I got home at about 1am, and she wasn’t home, so I got furious (I was drinking to much that night too) and drove down to her work, where I ordered her outside, and yelled at her like no other, I was in her face… some of her co-workers came out, and I started yelling at them…. Katie pleaded with me to calm down, and that she was just about done, and was going to come home, she asked me to wait with her…..I said I would wait by her car… well I waited about 2 minutes, then grabbed a piece of paper and wrote “I’m done with you, don’t expect to see me ever again”… well needless to say, she never came home that night….. when I realized she wasn’t coming home at around 4am, I freaked out (amazing what you realize when you sober up)… I tried calling her over and over again… I was literally breaking apart… she only messaged me once, saying she was fine, and that she would talk to me tomorrow night when she got home from work…
Well, that Saturday, I was a wreck, I haven’t cried in about 10 years, but I was breaking down like no other that day….. I couldn’t eat anything, I felt like puking… I finally got her to message me again, she said that she still loved me, but she’s need some time right now to figure things out……. Well, after reading that, I knew that she was concerned about me, and if I really did love her… so I went out, and bought her a big thing of flowers, and wrote a short note saying that I was so sorry, and that I love her more then anything…. I then had my friend drop them off at her work that night….. well, she finally did come home that night, and we talked, cried, but I could sense that what I did, caused more then a flesh wound to her, I hurt her deep inside…… just knowing that is killing me right now… I still haven’t ate anything… it’s been 2.5 days since my last meal….
I told her yesterday, that I am going to go back to counseling, and that I want her to come along… that I want to change (my temper on Friday was only the tip of the ice-berg. I have belittled her so much in the past, made fun of her meanly, ripped on her family, I have been tearing at her insides for awhile now),
I told her that she makes me want to be a better person… I told her, from now on, I will treat her like I first did when we dated, like a princess…. This past weekend has been so hard on me, harder then my accident a few months ago, harder then anything….. but I also think this weekend was the best thing for us… I finally realized what I have become.. that I have been nothing but a superb jack-@ss to her… but the thing is, I can still tell she his hurt deep inside… do you think her wounds will heal overtime… is there something I can do to reassure her that I am going to change…..???
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