*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Erzengel]

Living is going out and doing things with your life and this goes for friends, family, relationships, work, education, etc.

I have said the same things to people here who have been coasting through life at minimum wage jobs waiting for opportunity to just fall on their laps or because the alternative of going to school or doing something that requires work is too much or they are afraid they'd fail.

Same thing can be said for relationships.

It doesn't sound like you're living. It sounds like you're getting by.

 

[Rincewind]

Hm. Interesting. I suppose there could be some merit to that. But what I don't get is that you're saying that as if "getting by" is something bad. Well, it is bad, when it concerns things like education or work, things that are actually affecting your life, but romantic relationships? Come on. That's a "nobody should be alone" mentality; next you'll be telling me that I'd be happy if I find myself a nice wife and we make a couple of kids, and we'll all live happily ever after in a social cliche. I don't feel bad when I'm alone; I feel bad when I'm in love.

 

[CrashNburn]

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder....imo. If simple things keep you happy, then go with it. If you'd rather have a more extravagant lifestyle including "hard work", go for it. No one can tell you what will make YOU happy. They can only suggest things.

 

[Erzengel]

I think relationships are important in terms of just regular human and emotional growth. Do I think everyone should get married and have kids? No. Sometimes I wish there was some sort of test for most people just to procreate.

And I hope I don't come off as condescending but I'd expect someone like say LOBO who posted about being cheated on after 13 years of marriage to be bitter and disillusioned with relationships. I'd understand if he had your attitude.

When it comes to someone in his early 20s with their longest relationship being only a half a year, it's different.

I'm not saying hey you should find a gf ASAP. But I think you should go out and at least date. 5 dates doesn't equate to a relationship all the time. However, if you are already planning the demise of any relationship before you enter into one, it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. I wonder if you would purposely sabotage any relationship you got in because of it.

 

[Rincewind]

Hm. Well, thanks for the advice. I will think it through, and, who knows, come spring I may even confess my feelings to her before I leave.

And no, I don't think you sound condescending or anything, but I think that you somewhat equate my youth to inadequacy. I like to think that in some ways, I'm a bit (just a little bit!) more mature than my birthdate suggests. I think that there is some merit to my way of thinking about relationships, even if it is - admittedly - pessimistic. I want to be happy, everyone does; I just don't think that my happiness can be found in a romantic relationship.

 

[Anita18]

Anita, when I said that you can't be sure what the next day will bring, I didn't literally mean that I can't see day to day situations

What I meant is that life, in the long term, is a big unknown. I know what I'll be doing and who I'll be tommorow, next week, next month, heck, even next year to an extent; but long term, 10, 20, 30 years from now? Nah. I think that applies to everyone; even people with very detailed, long term plans about life can't predict what will happen to them, who will they meet, how it will affect them etc.

Well yeah, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try.

And no, I don't think you sound condescending or anything, but I think that you somewhat equate my youth to inadequacy. I like to think that in some ways, I'm a bit (just a little bit!) more mature than my birthdate suggests. I think that there is some merit to my way of thinking about relationships, even if it is - admittedly - pessimistic. I want to be happy, everyone does; I just don't think that my happiness can be found in a romantic relationship.

Of course happiness can't be found in a romantic relationship. If you're unhappy while single, you'll likely be unhappy while in a relationship as well. To me, being in a relationship means sharing experiences together and inspiring each other in a different way from friends and family.

 

[AndThePickles]

Hm. Interesting. I suppose there could be some merit to that. But what I don't get is that you're saying that as if "getting by" is something bad. Well, it is bad, when it concerns things like education or work, things that are actually affecting your life, but romantic relationships? Come on. That's a "nobody should be alone" mentality; next you'll be telling me that I'd be happy if I find myself a nice wife and we make a couple of kids, and we'll all live happily ever after in a social cliche. I don't feel bad when I'm alone; I feel bad when I'm in love.

Rincewind, I will tell you from experience - 7 months in a relationship is not long enough to truly experience deeply being in love. It just isn't enough time for love to mature...at 7 months, there's still a lot of the infatuation stage going on. And that can actually be a really fun stage! But, don't write off "being in love" because of your short relationships. And this isn't to discount your feelings...I felt the same sort of conviction before I was in a longer relationship.

 

[steintym]

Rincewind, I will tell you from experience - 7 months in a relationship is not long enough to truly experience deeply being in love. It just isn't enough time for love to mature...at 7 months, there's still a lot of the infatuation stage going on. And that can actually be a really fun stage! But, don't write off "being in love" because of your short relationships. And this isn't to discount your feelings...I felt the same sort of conviction before I was in a longer relationship.

I agree completely - Most people are still on their best behavior at 7 months. If there are problems at that point already, it's probably not going to work out (there are definitely exceptions, but still).

 

[LOBO3315a]

And I hope I don't come off as condescending but I'd expect someone like say LOBO who posted about being cheated on after 13 years of marriage to be bitter and disillusioned with relationships. I'd understand if he had your attitude.

I have my moments when I think no relationship is the best thing for me. Currently I take care of my mom, so that kind of puts a damper on any serious relationship I might have a chance at.

And there are times that I think that if I had tried X instead of Y, I'd still be in my very unhappy marriage. 6 years later, I can look back and see how unhappy I was. At the time, I couldn't concieve of being single again at 35. Now, I'm a much happier guy not having to jump through hoops to make her happy. Let her new husband have that job.

I'm also on the look out for the next lady to change her stripes as soon as the ring is on her finger. She went from a petite, long-haired nymph who liked to get frisky about every night, to a buzz cut sporting Star Jones pre-gastric bypass surgery with the libido of an ice tray.

So I try to use that experience to help me with my next relationship choice. Hopefully the right lady exists. If not, then that's fine too.

 

[JStorm]

I have my moments when I think no relationship is the best thing for me. Currently I take care of my mom, so that kind of puts a damper on any serious relationship I might have a chance at.

And there are times that I think that if I had tried X instead of Y, I'd still be in my very unhappy marriage. 6 years later, I can look back and see how unhappy I was. At the time, I couldn't concieve of being single again at 35. Now, I'm a much happier guy not having to jump through hoops to make her happy. Let her new husband have that job.

I'm also on the look out for the next lady to change her stripes as soon as the ring is on her finger. She went from a petite, long-haired nymph who liked to get frisky about every night, to a buzz cut sporting Star Jones pre-gastric bypass surgery with the libido of an ice tray.

So I try to use that experience to help me with my next relationship choice. Hopefully the right lady exists. If not, then that's fine too.

I try and look for the good in all things, once I dissect of course , but I get this statement.

Masks are worn, in the beginning of most relationships. I wish they weren't, but they are.

Bull**** will happen, no matter how many times any one of us start off said relationships with the obligatory - "I don't like drama/bull****" - talk.

Mine goes in and out of masks, on a weekly basis. I just try and not get too close and let her work her life out. 9/10 I'm right and she just needed space. Now - I'm not saying this game is cool, by no means. It would be better if we were all transparent and said what was on our minds: "I need some space; I miss you; can we make date night Thursday, instead of tonight" whatever.

As of these past few weeks, I've taken my mask off and spearheaded each situation - things seem to be different. Sure chess will be played, games will be had, and masks will come on and off.


Hurm. . really don't know why I ranted. . just saw that one statement and thought I would share..

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Hm. Interesting. I suppose there could be some merit to that. But what I don't get is that you're saying that as if "getting by" is something bad. Well, it is bad, when it concerns things like education or work, things that are actually affecting your life, but romantic relationships? Come on. That's a "nobody should be alone" mentality; next you'll be telling me that I'd be happy if I find myself a nice wife and we make a couple of kids, and we'll all live happily ever after in a social cliche. I don't feel bad when I'm alone; I feel bad when I'm in love.

You aren't living when you run away from any potential relationship though. I don't think trying anything with your co-worker is a good idea for the sole fact that she's engaged, happily or unhappily, while that ring is on her finger she's off the market. However, running away any time you see a girl you like isn't healthy. What happens if one of your friendships goes south, will you swear off having friends because eventually all friendships will disolve? I'm not saying you should go out and find a girlfriend right now, I'm just saying you might want to try not running away all the time, be open to the possibility. Sometimes relationships suck, but if you happen to find the right person it's great. That doesn't mean you have to get married, get a house and have kids. I've got a few friends that are married, rent and have no intention of having kids, but they love each other and couldn't imagine not being together. The fact that you're asking for advice on what to do with this girl, says somewhere deep down you do want to be with a girl.

 

[Honey Vibe]

Sorry if this question is too simplistic, but if a guy bought you a beer at an after party, does it mean he likes you?

 

[Erzengel]

That's almost too little information. Did he hang around you the whole time? Did he give you and a bunch of people beer? I mean he could have just been polite.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Anytime beer is offered as a gift, there is interest. Beer is one of those things that is holy to a guy. If he's sharing, he's caring.

Unless he's drunk.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Okay, I’m not one who usually needs to ask for advice…but in this instance, I’m kind of stumped.

I was at a farewell party for a friend. He and his fiancé were leaving to head back to college a few states away. The fiancé had some of her girlfriends over. One of them was a real firecracker (heh, that’s the first time I’ve used that term). Genuinely beautiful. Perfect body, good sense of humor…even showed interest for some things deemed “geeky” (I by no means consider myself a geek, but for the sake of brevity am using that term to get a point across). We seemed to hit it off well…casually, but well. After she left, my friend came to me and said that she was asking about me throughout the night. That’s cool. But it turns out she has a boyfriend. My boy said the bf was a waste of time and space, and practically told her to dump him and go out with me (I don’t know how she responded to that, lol). Honestly, I was kind of giddy about it for a few hours; I haven’t really been on a date since my fiancé and I broke up, and I’m still recovering from that emotional trauma, so to have a genuinely hot chick show interest is nice.

Here’s the problem: Now that my friend and his chick are out of state, I don’t really have any way of hanging out with the girl on a casual level. I’m not the type of person to try and steal a chick from their bf (did that with the ex-fiancé and don’t want to do that ever again), and my methodology is to actually get to know a chick before asking them out on anything that can be considered a date. The other thing is, the little voice in my head is starting to wonder if she just wasn’t drunk (we all were sipping on rum and such, but nothing heavy – she drove herself home), and that sobriety would dilute any real interest. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m a good looking guy, have a +70k job, am a talented artist and musician…in short, I’m a good catch, but the aforementioned emotional trauma keeps me from believing that truth, no matter how many times my friends smack me in the head.

So, I’m kind of not sure how to treat the situation. Do I overstep my comfort/moral zone and try to hang out with the girl (who, distance wise, isn’t exactly just across town), who is already in a relationship (and if so, how the hell do I do that without acting skeevy); or do I say “hey, a cool and hot chick showed interest. That’s cool, now move on”. I don’t know her well enough to know what I would or would not be missing by choosing either action. I do know that I have the blessing of my friend and his fiancé if I do want to see what happens.

How would any of you handle the situation?

 

[Godzilla2000]

My best advice? Just don't get involved with another person. A second entity only disturbs the harmony.

 

[Erzengel]

Why don't you just ask her out for coffee? And if your friend said she was going out with a loser? Why not?

 

[Spider-Who?]

Why don't you just ask her out for coffee? And if your friend said she was going out with a loser? Why not?

well, she lives like 2 hours away, so it isn't exactly the easiest way to casually get to know someone. That, and for some stupid reason, I don't like potential girlfriends knowing i like them romantically when getting to know them...i always build up to that (its dumb, i know...thats jsut the way i've always worked). That, and she might be Satan. Who knows.

 

[Godzilla2000]

well, she lives like 2 hours away, so it isn't exactly the easiest way to casually get to know someone. That, and for some stupid reason, I don't like potential girlfriends knowing i like them romantically when getting to know them...i always build up to that (its dumb, i know...thats jsut the way i've always worked). That, and she might be Satan. Who knows.

If you ever plan on taking the plunge and becoming more intimate should you be able to get in contact with this girl, I highly recommend you make 100% certain she's 100% free. I would hate to hear about you getting the pulp beaten out of you by a jealous, possessive, anger management needing head case. Optimally would be visual proof of her telling him to go shove it.

 

[Erzengel]

You shouldn't really care if she thinks she likes you or not. I mean she lives like 2 hours away, I mean sometimes you have to work around subtlety.

Can you get her number? Do you have her number?

You can just give her a call and just start talking.

 

[Spider-Who?]

If you ever plan on taking the plunge and becoming more intimate should you be able to get in contact with this girl, I highly recommend you make 100% certain she's 100% free. I would hate to hear about you getting the pulp beaten out of you by a jealous, possessive, anger management needing head case. Optimally would be visual proof of her telling him to go shove it.

heh, yeah, that'd be good. but i've seen pictures of the guy - he's short (makes me look tall) self-professed emo. hardly anything i'd be physically worried about. but the morality of being "the other guy" is not something i want to deal with again.

You shouldn't really care if she thinks she likes you or not. I mean she lives like 2 hours away, I mean sometimes you have to work around subtlety.

Can you get her number? Do you have her number?

You can just give her a call and just start talking.

I know. I think its just a fear of mine - not allowing myself to be open like that until i know for certain it won't be dismissed. As for her number, no i don't have it, but i did request an addition on her facebook, saying that we should hang out sometime, humorously citing the hole left in our lives by our mutual friends' departure. She accepted the request, but hasn't replied (i didn't really expect her to; it was a dumb joke, and the fact that she DOES have a bf (her feelings toward either of us ignored) would reasonably cause her to keep some distance.

 

[Erzengel]

Ugh, these facebook posts. I know this is what people do now. But, I would have definitely try and leave your "intention" firmly in her court whether it be a direct "Hey do you want to do something?" or "Can I have your number?" And if she doesn't respond there's your answer.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

well, she lives like 2 hours away, so it isn't exactly the easiest way to casually get to know someone. That, and for some stupid reason, I don't like potential girlfriends knowing i like them romantically when getting to know them...i always build up to that (its dumb, i know...thats jsut the way i've always worked). That, and she might be Satan. Who knows.

Well there's two red flags, she already got a boyfriend and somewhat geographically undesirable. A two hour commute is going to limit the time you get to spend together even if you got around the boyfriend issue. Sure your friend and the fiance think the guy is a loser, but the only thing that really matters is what she thinks about him. Might just be one of those fun nights where you met someone cool and that's about it, one red flag I'd say screw it, two, not so much.

As for your game of lettin a girl know you like them, stop it. You don't have to say it, just show it with small gestures and body language. When you do start dating again you need to, that's how people get put into the friend zone, by not making the small gestures/body language cues that show interest.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Well there's two red flags, she already got a boyfriend and somewhat geographically undesirable.

well, where I work cuts that time in half, so its not a major problem (work week-wise)

A two hour commute is going to limit the time you get to spend together even if you got around the boyfriend issue. Sure your friend and the fiance think the guy is a loser,

Its not just my friend and his fiance. She does too. We even had a small discussion with some of the other people at the party about how we tend to stay in relationships out of fear of having to start a new one (her words).

As for your game of lettin a girl know you like them, stop it.

I know.... Like I said before, its not a "game", but more of a defense mechanism I guess. But your point remains solid.

 

[Godzilla2000]

heh, yeah, that'd be good. but i've seen pictures of the guy - he's short (makes me look tall) self-professed emo. hardly anything i'd be physically worried about. but the morality of being "the other guy" is not something i want to deal with again.

You know, I think maybe that vulnerability is why this girl you like might be staying with him instead of giving him the boot. A man who's more in touch with a more emotional side of himself is less intimidating to a girl than you're garden variety stoic, manly man if you get my drift. This is why such girly type guys, like Justin Bieber, are so inexplicably popular with teen girls because their innocuousness isn't scary to them. I think your biggest challenge is the distance between the two of you and the boyfriend. Of course with me I am bluntly honest so I'm about to say something that may be discouraging to you but it's what my gut tells me. I go by my instincts a lot and I was just thinking by the way you met her and the way she reacted to you that she might have been seeing if she could consider you a brief flirtation just to get a break from the Emo guy for awhile. I think you are wise to just treat this as a friendship for awhile just to see where things go between her and the guy she's with. But always be mindful of the fact that you could put yourself in a short term rebound relationship with her should she leave this guy, and especially so if she's been with him for quite awhile. To save yourself from disappointment make certain she's really ready for a new relationship with someone else and not trying to overlap into another one using you as the transition relationship.