*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[steintym]

Funny thing about romantic relationships: they are terribly complicated, painful and time-consuming. However, if you have a good one it all seems worth it, and you rarely notice the complications, pain and time spent on it.

Great point! I've had some good relationships and some really unhealthy ones. I'm now married and could not be happier. I just had to wait for the right girl to come along (cliche, I know, but true) and I really feel like she is my best friend (sounds cheesy, but true).

We've had our ups and downs and can fight with the best of them, but that stuff doesn't seem like a big deal compared to all of the great stuff we've shared together.

 

[Rincewind]

2 more questions, have you ever been in love? Also how long was your longest relationship?

Yes, I have. I hope and I think I'm not in love now, all the emotions are the same, but the scale seems smaller.
And, my longest relationship was about 7 months, couple of years ago. It was the same one that proved me right in my eyes.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm not going to try and fill your head with the notion that everybody needs somebody. However, with your longest relationship lasting a little over half a year and at an age of 20-21? It just seems like the typical late teen, early 20 angst most young people go through. So many people become so jaded based on high school and college experiences even if the relationships were short and the participants immature.

Honestly, most people are still on good date behavior even after 7 months of dating.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do just to give you a little perspective. 23 years old and a relationship that lasted 7 months just seems a little excessive to give up on a relationship.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Yeah, wait till you are 36, and have invested 13 years into a marriage to be dumped for a 22 year old guy. The bitterness you are feeling now will seem sweet by comparison....

 

[Rincewind]

Well, LOBO, my point is that I'd be better off if it doesn't come to that in the first place... Not that I'm trying to change anyone's mind or anything, that's just what I think; life is complicated enough by itself, I see little need to complicate it even more with excessive emotional baggage. I didn't start thinking it after my longest relationship ended, it was an opinion of mine even before that, the only thing that changed in my view was that my resolve to remain single became stronger.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah but I guess our point is you had this opinion in your late teens and it's been reinforced by a few high school/college relationships, none of which have been really that long.

It just seems like you just have commitment issues or more specifically, fear of just getting hurt in general so why not just not put yourself in that position to begin with. It's a pretty standard coping device.

 

[Rincewind]

But I know that I have commitment issues and that I avoid getting hurt by just refusing to play the game. I also have a bit of an inferiority complex and fear of rejection, while we're at it.

But that was never my point. I know what to do in such situations, I just don't know how to do it right now, in this particular one.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, what can you do?

You obviously have feelings for this girl.
But she's engaged.
However, even if she wasn't you don't want to be in a relationship.
So you want to just distance yourself.
Which you can't do because you work with her.
Then you mentioned you are leaving your job in the Spring which is 3 months away?
Problem solved.
Suck it up for a few months or make a move on her.

 

[steintym]

Give it some more time and a little distance. You might be surprised how your perspective changes.

A lot of couples don't even have their first "good" fight in the first seven months. Don't be afraid of getting hurt (chances are you probably will again), but when it finally works out, it's pretty damn cool and worth all of the garbage you went through.

 

[Rincewind]

Well, what can you do?

You obviously have feelings for this girl.
But she's engaged.
However, even if she wasn't you don't want to be in a relationship.
So you want to just distance yourself.
Which you can't do because you work with her.
Then you mentioned you are leaving your job in the Spring which is 3 months away?
Problem solved.
Suck it up for a few months or make a move on her.

Well, thanks for at least taking the time to give me some advice. Mind you, that solution isn't something that I hadn't thought of, I just hoped that an outsider's view might offer some solution that I haven't come up with. But, like I initially said - it's a checkmate-with-the-pawn situation. I guess I'd have to suck it up, but damn, that's gonna be hard when I look at her almost every day for the next few months. Yay for me

 

[Erzengel]

Normally I wouldn't tell you to get involved because unless you are in some sort of temporary job or non career job, office romances really aren't worth it.

But your talk about "relationships" pique my curiosity. But I do hope that one day you kinda come out of your shell so to speak about being in one. As you get older, it's always nicer to not have regrets. I rather be the fool, have my heart broken, than thinking about "what ifs".

 

[Rincewind]

Well, the job is temporary and when we last spoke she was basically determined to break up with her fiancee, but even so, I won't get involved. It's a loose-loose situation. Either my feelings are answered and some time later we both suffer heartache (because that's how most relationships end), or my feelings are not answered and I have made myself the fool in front of my co-workers with 3-4 months still to go before I leave. Better to just keep my mouth shut and everyone will be happier.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, the job is temporary and when we last spoke she was basically determined to break up with her fiancee, but even so, I won't get involved. It's a loose-loose situation. Either my feelings are answered and some time later we both suffer heartache (because that's how most relationships end), or my feelings are not answered and I have made myself the fool in front of my co-workers with 3-4 months still to go before I leave. Better to just keep my mouth shut and everyone will be happier.

Like anything, experience helps. I hate to keep coming back to this but the fact that you run from all relationships, it pretty much "stunts" your emotional growth.

Those break ups and heart aches, are what shape who you are and usually equip you better for future relationships.

Who's to say that when you finally meet someone who's amazing, and you ruin it because you don't know how to handle the relationship because of inexperience?

 

[Rincewind]

The chances are that if I meet someone amazing, I'll run away before I can ruin it...
Yeah... Look, I'm not saying my system is perfect for everyone, but I think it works for me. I have moments of "what if"-s or "f--k, I'm alone", but as a whole, it leads to a kinda peaceful and simpler life.

 

[Anita18]

Who's to say that when you finally meet someone who's amazing, and you ruin it because you don't know how to handle the relationship because of inexperience?

Eh, many of my friends and I don't have a lot of experience in relationships, but it doesn't mean that we're doomed to heartache X amount of times until we finally make it work. It's all about communication, and experience helps, but it isn't necessary.

Of course, this means that when I come across someone who doesn't know how to communicate, I cross them off my list immediately because I believe in complete honesty. You may not get to have that luxury.

 

[Erzengel]

To be clearer, I'm talking about more about inexperience due to self sabotage then inexperience because of well inexperience.

 

[Anita18]

To be clearer, I'm talking about more about inexperience due to self sabotage then inexperience because of well inexperience.

That has more to do with immaturity, I think, than inexperience. Many people run through relationships exactly the same way for years and never figure it out.

 

[Erzengel]

Well I think that's arguing semantics now. Also, I think you reading too much when I make generalizations but I usually use the words "most people" or "almost everyone" etc.

 

[Anita18]

Well I think that's arguing semantics now. Also, I think you reading too much when I make generalizations but I usually use the words "most people" or "almost everyone" etc.

It's important semantics!

And yeah, still, I think when you say "most people" it doesn't really get the actual point across.

 

[steintym]

Being inexperienced doesn't necessarily mean you're bound to fail a certain amount of times before a relationship can work, but having that experience can definitely be a great asset.

I think I grew and learned stuff about myself from past relationships that really helped me get to where I am today.

On the flipside, one of my best friends married his highschool sweetheart and is happily married 15 years later. All depends.

I would never avoid potential relationships because of fear of heartbreak, though. You could be missing out on something great ( short term or long term ).

 

[Rincewind]

Well... yeah, steintym, but on the other hand, you can save yourself harm and disappointment. I think your general outlook determines what you could view upon such a sitiation. An optimist would see a potential for something great, a pessimist will see a potential for heartbreak or embarrasment. But bottom line is, you can't be sure what the next day will bring. That's why I usually don't act on my feelings - too much to risk, for something that not only may not worth it, but it may well be beyond reach.

 

[Anita18]

Well... yeah, steintym, but on the other hand, you can save yourself harm and disappointment. I think your general outlook determines what you could view upon such a sitiation. An optimist would see a potential for something great, a pessimist will see a potential for heartbreak or embarrasment. But bottom line is, you can't be sure what the next day will bring. That's why I usually don't act on my feelings - too much to risk, for something that not only may not worth it, but it may well be beyond reach.

Well, I'm an optimist but I have trouble accepting change and taking on risks too. I've recently begun to think things through a different way: What do I see myself doing in 5 years? Would I be okay with being in the same situation, not having experienced anything more? And if not, it's time to make some progress toward being the person I want to be in the future. This could pertain to relationships, career, whatever.

But if you have trouble considering the situation from even day to day, that sort of thinking could be difficult for you.

 

[steintym]

Don't be afraid to take a chance or a risk. Although it sometimes doesn't seem like it, you'll get over the pain of a breakup. Years down the road, living with the regret of not going for something might be just as painful. When it finally works out, it can pretty cool.

 

[Erzengel]

Well... yeah, steintym, but on the other hand, you can save yourself harm and disappointment. I think your general outlook determines what you could view upon such a sitiation. An optimist would see a potential for something great, a pessimist will see a potential for heartbreak or embarrasment. But bottom line is, you can't be sure what the next day will bring. That's why I usually don't act on my feelings - too much to risk, for something that not only may not worth it, but it may well be beyond reach.

Or you know you can do the opposite and live.

 

[Rincewind]

Anita, when I said that you can't be sure what the next day will bring, I didn't literally mean that I can't see day to day situations
What I meant is that life, in the long term, is a big unknown. I know what I'll be doing and who I'll be tommorow, next week, next month, heck, even next year to an extent; but long term, 10, 20, 30 years from now? Nah. I think that applies to everyone; even people with very detailed, long term plans about life can't predict what will happen to them, who will they meet, how it will affect them etc.

Erzengel, I am living.