Secret Memories

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction & Films' started by Tempest19, Oct 31, 2007.

  1. Tempest19

    Tempest19 Registered

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    The following is a screenplay for a film I am trying to get made next semester for a film club alongside school. Please post any comments you may have- constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated because I want/need this film to be as best as it can be.

    EXT. BEACH

    OPEN TO a WIDE SHOT of a beach. The waves wash up on shore. We see feet step towards the water, not going in.

    MARK (V.O.)
    Some people say that life begins when you take that first big plunge. When you fall into that deep dark abyss that we respectfully call adulthood.

    Gradually dolly out to reveal a young guy looking out over the ocean. This is MARK RYANS (20).

    MARK (V.O.)
    I am here today to tell you…

    Mark turns around and stares straight into the camera.

    MARK
    That’s crap.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM

    CLOSE UP on Mark sleeping, sweating profusely. He JOLTS up, breathing heavily, and stares into the distance as though waking up from a terrible nightmare.

    FADE TO:
    INT. BATHROOM- SHOWERS

    Mark stands underneath the running water of the shower, leaning against the wall. Eyes closed tight. He grits his teeth as though the water’s scorching his skin.

    FADE TO:
    INT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CLASSROOM

    Mark sits in a classroom staring off into the distance.

    The TEACHER lectures the class about sociology.

    ANDREW (20) takes a break from writing his notes and looks up to see Mark.

    The teacher continues his lecture.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CAMPUS

    Mark and Andrew walk along the campus of Hofstra University. There is a long awkward silence…

    ANDREW
    I saw you zoning out during Professor Bryce’s class.

    Mark shrugs it off.

    ANDREW
    How are you… holding up?

    MARK
    (lying)
    I’m fine.

    Andrew nods his head okay, but he knows it’s not the truth.

    They continue to walk along the campus in an awkward silence.

    JUMP CUT:
    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Mark reclines in his chair, distressed, staring out the window towards the New York City skyline.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me!

    Mark closes his eyes, trying to block the noise.

    We hear the sounds of waves.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me!

    Mark groans in agony as he quickly gets up and approaches his cabinet. He takes out a plastic container and opens it. Inside is a syringe and drugs. He prepares the syringe and sits down on his bed, closing his eyes… we continue to hear the sound of waves.

    CLOSE UP on the Syringe nearing his arm…

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CAMPUS- NIGHT

    Silence. Mark walks along the campus of Hofstra University, completely alone and isolated. Compared to earlier that morning the campus seems dead.

    Mark approaches Breslin Hall and looks up into the night sky.

    CLOSE UP on Mark’s eyes, distant and pained, searching for an answer…

    Mark checks his watch and begins to walk away.

    FADE TO:
    INT. C-SQUARE – SECURITY BOOTH

    Mark sits on a rotating chair in the security booth staring towards the ceiling.

    Mark checks the e-mail on his laptop computer. One new message: ‘Hey Mark, it’s your Mom…’ He quickly deletes the message.

    Mark takes a deep breath as he looks out of the security booth seeing his own reflection he lowers his head.

    He watches the television with a blank expression. A student enters and knocks on the glass. Mark lets him through without even looking.

    Mark surfs the Internet as he gradually falls asleep on the job.

    We fade to black and open to…

    A GUY enters the booth, Mark wakes up and looks towards him…

    MARK
    Hey?

    GUY
    I’m your replacement.

    Mark nods his head okay; he grabs his backpack and is about to leave when…

    GUY
    Hey dude…

    MARK
    Huh?

    GUY
    You forgot to sign out.

    MARK
    Oh…

    Mark quickly signs out and leaves the booth.

    EXT. C-SQUARE-MORNING

    Mark exits the main entrance building of Newport C-Square.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. SUFFOLK HALL

    Mark approaches Vander Poel Hall from a far off distance.

    FADE TO:
    IN. MARK’S DORM ROOM

    Mark reaches into his cabinet to retrieve his drugs. He opens the plastic container. He’s out.

    Mark quickly checks his wallet. He only has ten dollars!

    Mark looks around his room trying to figure out a plan.

    FADE TO:
    INT. SWIM CENTER ENTRANCE

    Mark enters the Swim Center building and looks down through the glass window to see a beautiful young woman swimming in the pool below. This is SHANNON.

    He looks down towards the water, frightened, not daring to go down there.

    Shannon completes her lap and gets out of the pool. She looks up to see Mark staring down towards her. She smiles.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. SWIM CENTER

    Mark and Shannon walk through the parking lot of the Swim Center.

    SHANNON
    So, how did you know where I was going to be?

    MARK
    I knew…
    (disdainfully)
    You’re always here.

    Shannon smiles as she brushes up besides him. He tries to smile, but something is holding him back.

    SHANNON
    You seem worried…

    Mark shakes his head no.

    MARK
    It’s nothing.

    SHANNON
    You sure?

    MARK
    Yeah, I just need to borrow some money. That’s all.
    (beat)
    It’s important. I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t.

    SHANNON
    It’s okay. How much?

    Mark itches the back of his neck and shrugs, holding off on answering…

    MARK
    Twenty dollars.

    Shannon reaches into her purse, gets the money and hands it to Mark.

    MARK
    Thank you… this, this really means a lot.

    Mark wants to get something off his chest, but he holds himself back. Shannon notices.

    MARK
    So, I’ll see you later?

    SHANNON
    Yeah.

    Awkward silence. Mark walks off. Shannon watches him leave.

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARK

    Wide distance shot of a DEALER standing beneath a tree in the park. Mark approaches him. Mark hands the dealer the money. He gets the drugs, stuffs the drugs into his jacket pocket, looks around, and casually walks away. The dealer remains behind standing under the tree.

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE

    Mark and Andrew walk along the streets of Amityville. Awkward silence. Andrew looks at Mark concerned…

    FLASH CUT:

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE- FLASHBACK

    Mark and Andrew walk along the streets laughing.

    MARK
    Thinking about just tossing my bags onto the Harbinger one day and sailing off…

    ANDREW
    Yeah, where to?

    MARK
    I don’t know. Just far away from here.

    ANDREW
    Yeah? And what about college?

    MARK
    I’ll transfer.
    (beat)
    Come on man, we’ve been living on this island for nineteen years now. Don’t you just want to go off and explore the world?

    ANDREW
    Into the wild, huh?

    MARK
    Yeah.

    Mark grins liking the sound of that.

    MARK
    Into the wild…

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE

    Mark and Andrew walk by.

    Mark notices Andrew glancing over towards him.

    MARK
    You have a problem man?

    Andrew shakes his head “no.”

    ANDREW
    Nothing.

    Andrew takes a deep breath, choosing to remain silent. They continue to walk through the town. Mark is noticeably sullen and depressed.

    INT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CLASSROOM

    The teacher lectures the class about sociology.

    Mark is at the back of the class gradually falling asleep.

    TEACHER
    All right. That will be all for today.

    The students get their belongings and begin to leave the classroom.

    Mark is one of the last students to leave.

    TEACHER
    Mark, hold up, I need to have a word with you.

    Mark stops and looks at the teacher, he breathes out and rolls his eyes.

    MARK
    What is it?

    TEACHER
    You are falling behind in your work. Your grades are readily declining.
    (beat)
    You were accepted into this university on a full ride. What’s happening to you?

    MARK
    It’s none of your business.

    The teacher nods his head okay and Mark leaves the room. The teacher begins to pack his suitcase.

    EXT. LOWES RACEWAY 10

    Mark and Shannon leave the theater… awkward silence.

    SHANNON
    So, what did you think?

    MARK
    I thought it was okay.

    SHANNON
    Okay?

    MARK
    Yeah. Typical acting, typical Hollywood plot… life isn’t always one big happily ever after. It’s phony.

    They continue to walk through the parking lot in silence…

    SHANNON
    I don’t know. The family seemed pretty relatable and realistic to me.

    Mark laughs and shakes his head no.

    MARK
    They were the Brady Bunch compared to real reality.

    SHANNON
    Oh? What’s so bad about your family?

    Mark stops, obviously hurt by this comment. Shannon looks at him caught off guard.

    SHANNON


    MARK
    Just drop it.

    Shannon nods her head okay.

    FADE TO:
    INT. CAR

    Mark and Shannon drive towards Hofstra University in silence.

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- MAIN

    The car enters the main entrance of Hofstra University. Mark swipes his card and drives through.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- BROWER HALL

    The car pulls up beside Brower Hall. Shannon gets out of the car and looks back towards Mark.

    SHANNON
    Thank you for a good time.

    Mark nods his head okay.

    SHANNON
    Bye.

    MARK
    Bye.

    Shannon walks off. Mark watches her leave.

    Mark stares against the windshield lost in thought. He lowers his head and tries to regain composure. He drives off.

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARKING LOT

    Mark drives around the parking lot searching for a space. There is none!

    Mark HITS the steering wheel.

    MARK
    ****! Come on! Come on!

    Mark’s eyes search around for a parking space. He finds one. He grins as he speeds towards the space and quickly parks the car.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- VANDER POEL HALL

    Mark runs up the steps approaching Vander Poel Hall. We slowly begin to hear the sound of waves…

    FLASH CUT: Mark swipes his card and enters the building.

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL

    Mark hits the call button for the elevator and waits.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!!

    FLASH CUT: The elevator arrives and Mark enters.

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL- ELEVATOR

    Mark stares towards the numbers counting up to the twelfth floor. The sound of the waves escalates, drowning everything else out.

    The elevator doors open…

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL- TWELFTH FLOOR

    Mark runs towards his room. Unlocks the door and quickly enters.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!!!

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM

    Mark swings open his cabinet and begins to scour through looking for the plastic container.

    MARK
    ****!!!!

    EFFECTS: Random flash cuts as everything becomes disorienting; we switch between various shots and point of view shots. The sounds of waves become unbearable.

    Mark finally finds the plastic container. He opens it and GRABS the syringe.

    BOY (O.S.)
    HELP ME!!!!

    Mark screams in agony, on the verge of tears as he collapses against the ground syringe in hand. He rolls up his sleeve and STABS his arm with the syringe!

    We slowly zoom out to a wider shot to see Mark leaning against his bed. Tears burning his eyes as he stares forward, zoning out.

    We fade to black… several seconds pass before we open to…

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- MORNING

    Mark wakes up, still in the position he was the night before.

    He reaches forward and grabs his cell phone. He checks the voice-mails.

    EMPLOYEE (O.C.)
    Hi Mark. This is Roland calling from campus security. We have been getting more negative reports… falling asleep on the job, not showing up. We talked about this before and I warned you of the consequences. This is worst part of the job- but, you’re fired Mark.

    Mark deletes the message.

    OPERATOR (O.C.)
    Next new message.

    FATHER (O.C.)
    Mark, this is your father calling. Your mother is worried. You’ve been ignoring…

    Mark quickly deletes the message. He gets up and approaches his cabinet looking for his fix.

    He remembers the night before and sees that he is out of drugs.

    Mark SLAMS his fist against the cabinet door.

    MARK
    God damn it!

    Mark takes out his wallet and checks to see how much money he has… nothing.

    MARK
    ****.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARK

    Mark approaches the dealer and tries to bargain with him. The dealer refuses. Mark gets frustrated and walks off. Another buyer approaches the dealer and gets his fix.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARKING LOT

    Mark sits alone in his car. He starts the engine and drives off.

    EXT. LONG ISLAND

    Mark drives along Long Island. We see passing directions and signs reading ‘Jones Beach.’

    EXT. JONES BEACH- TICKET BOOTH

    Mark hands the person in the booth money and he is allowed through.

    EXT. JONES BEACH

    Mark drives up to an isolated part of the beach and stops the car. He looks out over the ocean. He stays there all afternoon.

    Night. Mark continues to stare at the ocean. He gets out of the car and approaches the water.

    We hear waves splashing.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me…

    Mark looks out over the water, trying to restrain his tears.

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE

    We see a small child no older than seven years old in a small lake, drowning. Splashing and screaming… this is the BOY.

    BOY
    Help me!

    FADE TO:
    EXT. JONES BEACH- NIGHT

    Mark sits on the sand looking out over the ocean, remembering… he lowers his head. We stay on this shot before fading to…

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- VANDER POEL HALL- MORNING

    Mark walks through the campus and bumps into Andrew.

    Andrew looks at him startled and relieved.

    ANDREW
    Where were you man? I tried calling numerous times. Thought something might have happened.

    Mark looks at Andrew, lost…

    MARK
    Have you ever felt like you were sinking into a deep abyss and there was no way out?

    Andrew looks at Mark caught off guard.

    ANDREW
    Yeah… yeah…
    (beat)
    Why what’s this about?

    Mark looks at Andrew, wanting to answer him… wanting to tell him… he sighs and shakes his head no.

    MARK
    Nothing.

    Mark looks up to see the small boy standing on the steps above looking down towards him. Mark quickly looks away.

    INT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- LIBRARY

    Shannon works on the middle computer in the library. Searching for information. She finds an article: ‘BOY DROWNS IN LAKE SALINGER.’ Accompanying the headline is a centered black and white picture of a wide shot of the lake and Mark standing beside it crying. Andrew is also in the shot. Close up on her reaction… startled and sympathetic.

    INT. SHOWER ROOM

    Mark takes a shower, leaning against the wall. Eyes shut tight. We hear the sound of waves splashing and the boy screaming for help. Mark begins to slip against the wall as he stares up into the water.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM

    Mark enters his dorm room and notices his phone ringing. He looks towards the caller I.D. to reveal that it is Shannon.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- KATE AND WILLIE’S

    Mark sits on the center circular curb outside of ‘Kate and Willie’s’. Shannon approaches him and he quickly gets up.

    SHANNON
    Hey.

    MARK
    Hey, you said you wanted to meet me?

    Shannon nods, hiding her tears.

    SHANNON
    I’m sorry.

    Mark looks at her caught off guard and confused…

    SHANNON
    I know. I know about your brother.

    Mark staggers back as he quickly shakes his head no.

    SHANNON
    It’s not your fault.

    Mark breathes heavily as he looks at her with disgust and anger.

    MARK
    I told you to leave it alone! What gives you the right to investigate my life?! I thought I knew you better than that.

    Mark walks off, noticing the people looking towards his outbreak. Shannon watches him go feeling guilty that she brought it up.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM

    Mark sits on his bed completely in the dark staring out the window. We hear waves splashing and his brother calling out for help. Mark quickly leaves his room and grabs his jacket on the way out.

    EXT. HIGHWAY- NIGHT

    We see cars drive by on the highway.

    INT. CAR

    Mark drives along the highway lost in thought.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. FOREST

    Mark pulls into a road leading to a clearing in the forest.

    We see a wide shot of the car driving away from the screen.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE

    Mark arrives at the spot at the lake and parks his car. He gets out and looks over the lake.

    The boy appears in front of him, looking at Mark confused.

    Mark looks at him on the verge of tears.

    MARK
    I’m sorry.

    Mark bends down to his brother’s level.

    MARK
    Mom and Dad left me in charge, I should have been watching you instead I was off hanging out with my friends…

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- AFTERNOON- FLASHBACK

    We see Mark and Andrew tossing back and forth a football.

    In the distance we see the boy approaching the lake. He looks towards his brother not paying attention. He shrugs as he gets into the lake to go swimming.

    MARK
    I’m telling you man, any day now… freedom.

    Andrew laughs. Mark’s brother begins to drown in the distance.

    ANDREW
    You’ve been saying that for a long time.

    MARK
    Yeah, well, this time I mean it.

    Mark’s brother tries to regain composure struggling to keep afloat. Andrew notices.

    BOY
    Help! Help me!!!

    Mark glances behind his back to see his brother struggling, splashing water everywhere.

    MARK
    Wait… I’m coming!

    Mark takes off running towards his brother.

    BOY
    Help!

    Mark’s brother goes under. Mark runs and jumps into the lake and drags his brother out and onshore.

    MARK
    Come on…

    Mark checks his brother for a pulse and begins checking to see if he’s alive. Andrew slowly approaches them. Close up on Mark, breaking, no reaction at all. Andrew looks at Mark wanting to know if he is still alive. Mark shakes his head no.

    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- NIGHT

    Mark breaks down into tears hugging his brother.

    MARK
    I’m sorry.

    The boy hugs him back. We gradually dolly out taking in the moment. The boy disappears and Mark remains behind staring out over the lake in front of him.

    LATER:

    Mark leans beside his car talking on his cell phone.

    MARK
    Mom, this is Mark. Do you think it’s okay if I come home this weekend?

    Mark wipes the tears away from his eyes as we…

    FADE TO:
    EXT. CEMETERY- AFTERNOON

    Mark stands beside his brother’s grave.

    MARK (V.O.)
    Only in the end, can we acknowledge the past.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CAMPUS- FLASHBACK

    Mark and Shannon sit on a bench, close up on them beginning to hold hands.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE- FLASHBACK

    Mark walks along the streets with Andrew. They laugh and talk as they walk by the screen.

    MARK (V.O.)
    The path that got us here in life…

    FADE TO:
    EXT. BEACH

    Mark looks out over the ocean.

    MARK (V.O.)
    In order to find who you are. You first have to be ready to take the plunge. To fall into that deep dark abyss…

    Mark steps into the water.

    MARK (V.O.)
    That we call life…

    [FADE TO BLACK]

    Just a quick shout out- thanks to 'The Lookout,' 'Requiem for a Dream,' 'Guide to Recognizing Your Saints,' and 'Catcher in the Rye.' These are the films and stories that inspired me in addition to some of the insecurities I've had in life- such as in the opening & ending monologue. Don't worry though, the younger brother and drugs part is not true.

    I am also bringing this to a film group to be talked about tonight and I sent it to my teacher.

    I will keep this page updated with filming details and pre-production details as it moves into further stages of pre-production and later production.

    So, stage 1, crafting the story... tell me what you think...
     
  2. Tempest19

    Tempest19 Registered

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    DRAFT # 2 10/31. STUDENT PEERS REVIEW.

    EXT. BEACH- SUNRISE

    OPEN TO a WIDE SHOT of a beach. The waves wash up on shore. We see feet step towards the water, not going in.

    MARK (V.O.)
    Some people say that life begins when you take that first big plunge. When you fall into that deep dark abyss that we respectfully call adulthood.

    Gradually dolly out to reveal a young guy looking out over the ocean. This is MARK RYANS (20).

    MARK (V.O.)
    I am here today to tell you…

    Mark turns around and stares straight into the camera.

    MARK
    That’s crap.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    CLOSE UP on Mark sleeping, sweating profusely. He JOLTS up, breathing heavily, and stares into the distance as though waking up from a terrible nightmare.

    FADE TO:
    INT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CLASSROOM- AFTERNOON

    Mark sits in a classroom staring off into the distance.

    The TEACHER lectures the class about sociology.

    ANDREW (20) takes a break from writing his notes and looks up to see Mark.

    The teacher continues his lecture.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CAMPUS- AFTERNOON

    Mark and Andrew walk along the campus of Hofstra University. There is a long awkward silence…

    ANDREW
    I saw you zoning out during Professor Bryce’s class.

    Mark shrugs it off.

    ANDREW
    How are you… holding up?

    MARK
    (lying)
    I’m fine.

    Andrew nods his head okay, but he knows it’s not the truth.

    They continue to walk along the campus in an awkward silence.

    JUMP CUT:
    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Mark reclines in his chair, distressed, staring out the window towards the New York City skyline.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me!

    Mark closes his eyes, trying to block the noise.

    We hear the sounds of waves.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me!

    Mark groans in agony as he quickly gets up and approaches his cabinet. He takes out a plastic container and opens it. Inside is a syringe and drugs. He prepares the syringe and sits down on his bed, closing his eyes… we continue to hear the sound of waves.

    CLOSE UP on the Syringe nearing his arm…

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CAMPUS- NIGHT

    Silence. Mark walks along the campus of Hofstra University, completely alone and isolated. Compared to earlier that morning the campus seems dead.

    Mark approaches Breslin Hall and looks up into the night sky.

    CLOSE UP on Mark’s eyes, distant and pained, searching for an answer…

    Mark checks his watch and begins to walk away.

    FADE TO:
    INT. C-SQUARE – SECURITY BOOTH- NIGHT

    Mark sits on a rotating chair in the security booth staring towards the ceiling.

    Mark checks the e-mail on his laptop computer. One new message: ‘Hey Mark, it’s your Mom…’ He quickly deletes the message.

    Mark takes a deep breath as he looks out of the security booth seeing his own reflection he lowers his head.

    He watches the television with a blank expression as he gradually falls asleep on the job.

    We fade to black and open to…

    A GUY enters the booth, Mark wakes up and looks towards him…

    MARK
    Hey?

    GUY
    I’m your replacement.

    Mark nods his head okay; he grabs his backpack and is about to leave when…

    GUY
    Hey dude…

    MARK
    Huh?

    GUY
    You forgot to sign out.

    MARK
    Oh…

    Mark quickly signs out and leaves the booth.

    EXT. C-SQUARE-MORNING

    Mark exits the main entrance building of Newport C-Square.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. SUFFOLK HALL- MORNING

    Mark approaches Vander Poel Hall from a far off distance.

    FADE TO:
    IN. MARK’S DORM ROOM- MORNING

    Mark reaches into his cabinet to retrieve his drugs. He opens the plastic container. He’s out.

    Mark quickly checks his wallet. He only has ten dollars!

    Mark looks around his room trying to figure out a plan.

    FADE TO:
    INT. SWIM CENTER ENTRANCE- AFTERNOON

    Mark enters the Swim Center building and looks down through the glass window to see a beautiful young woman swimming in the pool below. This is SHANNON.

    He looks down towards the water, frightened, not daring to go down there.

    Shannon completes her lap and gets out of the pool. She looks up to see Mark looking down towards her. She smiles.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. SWIM CENTER- AFTERNOON

    Mark and Shannon walk through the parking lot of the Swim Center.

    SHANNON
    So, how did you know where I was going to be?

    MARK
    I knew…
    (disdainfully)
    You’re always here.

    Shannon smiles as she brushes up besides him. He tries to smile, but something is holding him back.

    SHANNON
    You seem worried…

    Mark shakes his head no.

    MARK
    It’s nothing.

    SHANNON
    You sure?

    MARK
    Yeah, I just need to borrow some money. That’s all.
    (beat)
    It’s important. I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t.

    SHANNON
    It’s okay. How much?

    Mark itches the back of his neck and shrugs, holding off on answering…

    MARK
    Twenty dollars.

    Shannon reaches into her purse, gets the money and hands it to Mark.

    MARK
    Thank you… this, this really means a lot.

    Mark wants to get something off his chest, but he holds himself back. Shannon notices.

    MARK
    So, I’ll see you later?

    SHANNON
    Yeah.

    Awkward silence. Mark walks off. Shannon watches him leave, worried.

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARK- AFTERNOON

    Wide distance shot of a DEALER standing beneath a tree in the park hidden from plain sight. Mark approaches him. Mark hands the dealer the money. He gets the drugs, stuffs the drugs into his jacket pocket, looks around, and casually walks away. The dealer remains behind standing under the tree.

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE- AFTERNOON

    Mark and Andrew walk along the streets of Amityville. Andrew looks at Mark concerned…

    FLASH CUT:

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE- AFTERNOON- FLASHBACK

    Mark and Andrew walk along the streets laughing.

    MARK
    Thinking about just tossing my bags onto the Harbinger one day and sailing off…

    ANDREW
    Yeah, where to?

    MARK
    I don’t know. Just far away from here.

    ANDREW
    What about college?

    MARK
    I’ll transfer.

    ANDREW
    Yeah? And how would you pay for it? You have a full ride man, as in free education…

    Mark quick shrugs it off.

    MARK
    Come on, we’ve been living on this island for nineteen years now. Don’t you just want to go off and explore the world?

    Andrew is tempted by the idea. Mark smiles, liking the idea- into the wild.

    EXT. TOWN OF AMITYVILLE- AFTERNOON

    Mark and Andrew walk by.

    Mark notices Andrew glancing over towards him.

    MARK
    You have a problem?

    Andrew shakes his head “no.”

    ANDREW
    Nothing.

    Andrew takes a deep breath, choosing to remain silent. They continue to walk through the town. Mark is noticeably sullen and depressed.

    INT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- CLASSROOM- AFTERNOON

    The teacher lectures the class about sociology.

    Mark is at the back of the class gradually falling asleep.

    TEACHER
    All right. That will be all for today.

    The students get their belongings and begin to leave the classroom.

    Mark is one of the last students to leave.

    TEACHER
    Mark, hold up, I need to have a word with you.

    Mark stops and looks at the teacher, he breathes out and rolls his eyes.

    MARK
    What is it?

    TEACHER
    You are falling behind in your work. Your grades are readily declining.
    (beat)
    What’s happening to you?

    MARK
    It’s none of your business.

    The teacher nods his head okay and Mark leaves the room. The teacher begins to pack his suitcase.

    EXT. LOWES RACEWAY 10- NIGHT

    Mark and Shannon leave the theater… awkward silence.

    SHANNON
    So, what did you think?

    MARK
    I thought it was okay.

    SHANNON
    Okay?

    MARK
    Yeah. Typical acting, typical Hollywood plot… life isn’t always one big happily ever after. It’s phony.

    They continue to walk through the parking lot in silence…

    SHANNON
    I don’t know. The family seemed pretty relatable and realistic to me.

    Mark laughs and shakes his head no.

    MARK
    They were the Brady Bunch compared to reality.

    SHANNON
    Oh? What’s so bad about your family?

    Mark stops, obviously hurt by this comment. Shannon looks at him caught off guard.

    SHANNON


    MARK
    Just drop it.

    Shannon nods her head okay.

    FADE TO:
    INT. CAR- NIGHT

    Mark and Shannon drive towards Hofstra University in silence.

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- MAIN- NIGHT

    The car enters the main entrance of Hofstra University. Mark swipes his card and drives through.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- BROWER HALL- NIGHT

    The car pulls up beside Brower Hall. Shannon gets out of the car and looks back towards Mark.

    SHANNON
    Thank you for a good time.

    Mark stares forward, not knowing what to say, mind racing.

    MARK
    Bye.

    SHANNON
    Bye.

    Shannon walks off; she glances behind her back concerned before entering the building.

    Mark stares against the windshield lost in thought. He lowers his head and tries to regain composure. He drives off.

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARKING LOT- NIGHT

    Mark drives around the parking lot searching for a space. There is none!

    Mark’s eyes search around for a parking space. He finds one. He speeds towards the space and quickly parks the car.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- VANDER POEL HALL- NIGHT

    Mark runs up the steps approaching Vander Poel Hall. We slowly begin to hear the sound of waves…

    FLASH CUT: Mark swipes his card and enters the building.

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL- NIGHT

    Mark hits the call button for the elevator and waits.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!!

    FLASH CUT: The elevator arrives and Mark enters.

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL- ELEVATOR- NIGHT

    Mark stares towards the numbers counting up to the twelfth floor. The sound of the waves escalates, drowning everything else out.

    The elevator doors open…

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. VANDER POEL HALL- TWELFTH FLOOR- NIGHT

    Mark runs towards his room. Unlocks the door and quickly enters.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help Me!!!

    FLASH CUT:
    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Mark swings open his cabinet and begins to scour through looking for the plastic container.

    MARK
    ****!!!!

    EFFECTS: Random flash cuts as everything becomes disorienting; we switch between various shots and point of view shots looking through the cabinet. The sounds of waves become unbearable.

    Mark finally finds the plastic container. He opens it and GRABS the syringe.

    BOY (O.S.)
    HELP ME!!!!

    Mark screams in agony, on the verge of tears as he collapses against the ground syringe in hand. He rolls up his sleeve and STABS his arm with the syringe!

    We slowly zoom out to a wider shot to see Mark leaning against his bed. Tears burning his eyes as he stares forward, zoning out.

    FADE TO:

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- MORNING

    Mark wakes up, still in the position he was the night before.

    He reaches forward and grabs his cell phone. He checks the voice-mails.

    EMPLOYEE (O.C.)
    Hi Mark. This is Roland calling from campus security. We have been getting more negative reports… falling asleep on the job, not showing up. We talked about this before and I warned you of the consequences. This is worst part of the job- but, you’re fired Mark.

    Mark deletes the message.

    OPERATOR (O.C.)
    Next new message.

    FATHER (O.C.)
    Mark, this is your father calling. Your mother is worried. You’ve been ignoring…

    Mark quickly deletes the message. He gets up and approaches his cabinet looking for his fix.

    He remembers the night before and sees that he is out of drugs.

    Mark SLAMS his fist against the cabinet door.

    MARK
    God damn it!

    Mark takes out his wallet and checks to see how much money he has… nothing.

    MARK
    ****.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARK- AFTERNOON

    Mark approaches the dealer and tries to bargain with him. The dealer refuses. Mark gets frustrated and walks off. Another buyer approaches the dealer and gets his fix.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARKING LOT- AFTERNOON

    Mark sits alone in his car. He starts the engine and drives off.

    EXT. LONG ISLAND- AFTERNOON

    Mark drives along Long Island. We see passing directions and signs reading ‘Jones Beach.’

    EXT. JONES BEACH- TICKET BOOTH- AFTERNOON

    Mark hands the person in the booth money and he is allowed through.

    EXT. JONES BEACH- AFTERNOON

    Mark drives up to an isolated part of the beach and stops the car. He looks out over the ocean. He stays there all afternoon.

    NIGHT: Mark continues to stare at the ocean. He gets out of the car and approaches the water.

    We hear waves splashing.

    BOY (O.S.)
    Help me…

    Mark looks out over the water.

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- AFTERNOON

    We see a small child no older than seven years old in a small lake, drowning. Splashing and screaming… this is the BOY.

    BOY
    Help me!

    FADE TO:
    EXT. JONES BEACH- NIGHT

    Mark sits on the sand looking out over the ocean, remembering… he lowers his head. We stay on this shot before fading to…

    INT. SHANNON’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Shannon sits in her dorm room browsing through the yellow pages… Pratt… she finds the name in the yellow pages and picks up the phone and dials the number.

    WOMAN (O.C.)
    (upset)
    Hello.

    SHANNON (O.C.)
    Mrs. Pratt?

    WOMAN (O.C.)
    Yeah?

    SHANNON (O.C.)
    Hey, I know your son. I’m worried about him…

    Slowly dolly away in silence as the phone conversation continues.

    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- PARKING LOT- NIGHT

    Mark walks through the campus in a hurry. He bumps into Andrew.

    Andrew looks at him startled and relieved.

    ANDREW
    Where were you man? I tried calling numerous times. Thought something might have happened.

    Mark looks at Andrew, lost…

    MARK
    Have you ever felt like you were sinking into a deep abyss and there was no way out?

    Andrew looks at Mark caught off guard and confused.

    ANDREW
    (fast)
    Yeah… yeah…
    (beat)
    Why what’s this about?

    Mark looks at Andrew, wanting to answer him… wanting to tell him… he sighs and shakes his head no.

    MARK
    Nothing.

    Mark looks up to see the small boy standing on the steps above looking down towards him. Mark quickly enters the building.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Mark enters his dorm room and notices his phone ringing. He looks towards the caller I.D. to reveal that it is Shannon. He walks over and picks up the phone.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY- KATE AND WILLIE’S - NIGHT

    Mark sits on the center circular curb outside of ‘Kate and Willie’s’. Shannon approaches him and he quickly gets up.

    SHANNON
    Hey.

    MARK
    Hey, you said you wanted to meet me?

    Shannon nods, hiding her tears.

    SHANNON
    I’m sorry.

    Mark looks at her caught off guard and confused…

    SHANNON
    I know. I know about your brother.

    Mark staggers back as he quickly shakes his head no.

    SHANNON
    It’s not your fault.

    Mark breathes heavily as he looks at her with disgust and anger.

    MARK
    I told you to leave it alone! What gives you the right to investigate my life?!
    (beat)
    I thought I knew you better than that.

    Mark walks off. Shannon watches him go feeling guilty that she brought it up.

    INT. MARK’S DORM ROOM- NIGHT

    Mark sits on his bed completely in the dark staring out the window. We hear waves splashing and his brother calling out for help. Mark quickly leaves his room and grabs his jacket on the way out.

    EXT. HIGHWAY- NIGHT

    We see cars drive by on the highway.

    INT. CAR- NIGHT

    Mark drives along the highway lost in thought.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. FOREST- NIGHT

    Mark pulls into a road leading to a clearing in the forest.

    We see a wide shot of the car driving away from the screen.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- NIGHT

    Mark arrives at the spot at the lake and parks his car. He gets out and looks over the lake.

    The boy appears in front of him, looking at Mark confused.

    Mark looks at him on the verge of tears.

    Mark bends down to his brother’s level.

    MARK
    I’m sorry.

    FLASH CUT:
    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- AFTERNOON- FLASHBACK

    We see Mark and Andrew tossing back and forth a football.

    Mark’s brother approaches the lake. He looks towards Mark not paying attention and shrugs as he dives in. He resurfaces, losing control and tries to regain composure struggling to keep afloat. He can’t! He begins to drown, sinking deeper and deeper into the water…

    BOY
    Help!!!

    Mark glances behind his back to see his brother struggling, splashing water everywhere.

    MARK
    Wait… I’m coming!

    Mark takes off running towards his brother.

    BOY
    Help!

    Mark’s brother goes under. Mark runs and jumps into the lake and drags his brother out and onshore.

    MARK
    Come on…

    Mark checks his brother for a pulse and begins checking to see if he’s alive. Andrew slowly approaches them. Close up on Mark, breaking, no reaction at all. Andrew looks at Mark wanting to know if he is still alive. Mark shakes his head no.

    EXT. FOREST- LAKE- NIGHT

    Mark stands up, alone, as he slowly begins to cry and looks out over the lake.


    LATER:

    Mark leans beside his car talking on his cell phone.

    MARK
    Mom, this is Mark. Do you think it’s okay if I come home this weekend?

    Gradually dolly away, taking in the moment.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. CEMETERY- AFTERNOON

    Mark stands beside his brother’s grave.

    MARK (V.O.)
    In order to find who you are.

    FADE TO:
    EXT. BEACH- SUNRISE

    Mark looks out over the ocean.

    MARK (V.O.)
    You first have to be ready to take the plunge. To fall into that deep dark abyss…

    Mark steps into the water.

    MARK (V.O.)
    That we call life…

    [FADE TO BLACK]
     
  3. Tempest19

    Tempest19 Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    7,350
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    The changes made seem simple enough, but they do have somewhat of an effect on the story. Some of the criticisms were:

    1. The teacher would not know that Mark was accepted on a full ride scholarship. Thus this was taken out and was instead placed in the flashbacks sequence leading up to Mark's confrontation with his teacher. This allows for the information to still be known, but the ways in which we learn the information has been switched around to make more logical sense.

    2. Shannon's character needed a little more development. This is a character who I want to get a sense of who she is without her blabbering on about some random aspect of her life. This has been somewhat changed around. She is not the first one to say goodbye to Mark and she is hesitant about leaving him alone. This worrying also leads to the later scene of her discovery.

    3. Her discovery is also different. There is no means of a computer. Seemed too easy, instead I went with the old school investigative technique. She calls the parents- which ups the stakes. Not only is she investigating Mark's family when he told her to leave his family alone, she's communicating with them! This sacrifices earlier knowledge of knowing Andrew was there when the drowning occurred, but we find this information out later in the film. It's not necessary and these means are more practical.

    4. The scene arrangements of the final 'it all comes together' act was changed around resulting in the deletion of Mark's shower agony scene. This scene has also been deleted from the beginning of the film. But, perhaps further stresses that he's distancing himself from the water when we don't see that.

    5. The drowning scene itself came off as unintentionally funny. The common agreed reason for this was the emphasis was on Mark and Andrew while the drowning was in the background. I changed it around so that we stay with the boy and Mark is in the background. The dialogue was also changed because it came off as too much exposition, thus it was taken down to just "I'm sorry."

    6. There was a slight misconception that Mark was emo. Although this obviously won't be the case on screen. I re-worded some areas and minimized his close to crying scenes. He's now completely- as originally intended- fractured in not being able to feel anything. The hug probably added into this, thus I took that part of it out. When the flashback ends the boy is already gone and this is the final realization that his brother is dead which leads to him gradually crying rather than breaking down into tears which may read as too much of an outburst. Also rather than wiping away the tear after the phone call we will dolly away and see the moment itself. It's tragic already.

    7. The flashbacks in conjunction with cemetery was not necessary. It seemed almost like two ending monologues split apart. Now it's just the one about life- not the past- and the cemetery.

    Overall, I think I learned alot. It was definitely improved upon. The one common complaint, to my surprise, was the drug use- thought it was too hard core and wanted me to take a much lighter route with the character. Confusion at the beginning about whether this was just another junkie or not plus wanting to relate to the main character yet not being able to completely. Both were purposefully orchestrated to make the audience think those things. So, I succeeded in doing what I wanted to do and making the audience think exactly how they though. it is hard core **** man, wanting to stray away from the dark- good- creates that uncomfortable yet wanting to get near distance that I wanted the film to have. I'm usually the funny guy, thank god I got it uncomfortably dark. I succeeded.

    I should be hearing news from my teacher which may lead to a draft 3. And also going to have a local film crew I work with read it over.

    And guys please- penny for your thoughts? About twenty of you have already clicked on this and said nothing... just leave a comment, that's all I'm asking for. PLEASE.
     

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