So I'm gonna start reading Twilight.....

[chamber-music]

aren't they just romance books for 14 year olds with a great big analogy for abstinence before marriage.

 

[taskmaster]

aren't they just romance books for 14 year olds with a great big analogy for abstinence before marriage.

That's about right.

 

[Sam Fisher]

If you're gonna read Twilight, I feel sorry for you.

 

[Connette]

I found it suspenseful..but if you hate romance stuff don't read it. It will make you sick if your not into the romance stuff. Also I think a good romance can be enjoyed at any age..if that is what you like.

 

[jaguarr]

I'm a little crazy about my girlfriend, so I figured I could read a book for her, even though its 500 pages and I still have a couple Vonnegut books I haven't' read yet.

You're going from Vonnegut to Twilight? You're in for a rough transition.

Try Lauell K Hamilton. Way better than twilight. My boss was reading the series and gave me a few snippets of the plot and I was able to extrapolate with a 99% accuracy of what would happen before she even got to the last few books. the Twilight series is very shallow with its plot and feels like the author just copied previous stories, much like Eragon.

Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series is excellent. The Merry Gentry books, not so much.

jag

 

[The Senator]

Twilight is garbage. Absolute garbage. I haven't read it or its sequels, but I don't need to, considering I am well aware of who Stephanie Meyer is and the reasoning behind these books. They are Mormon propaganda, and all four books in that series contain religious subplots which exchange religion for vampirism. She is attempting to be the next C.S. Lewis with this series. Moreover, even if you ignore the fact that she wrote these books to subtly push her religious beliefs on young children, the plot summaries for each book are so incredibly awful I don't know why anyone would be tempted to actually read them in full.

Now, I will give the entire Twilight franchise something, and that is that the actor who plays Edward the vampire in the film series is downright adorable in vampire make-up...

 

[squeekness]

Twilight is garbage. Absolute garbage. I haven't read it or its sequels, but I don't need to, considering I am well aware of who Stephanie Meyer is and the reasoning behind these books. They are Mormon propaganda, and all four books in that series contain religious subplots which exchange religion for vampirism. She is attempting to be the next C.S. Lewis with this series. Moreover, even if you ignore the fact that she wrote these books to subtly push her religious beliefs on young children, the plot summaries for each book are so incredibly awful I don't know why anyone would be tempted to actually read them in full.

Now, I will give the entire Twilight franchise something, and that is that the actor who plays Edward the vampire in the film series is downright adorable in vampire make-up...

I didn't get that vibe from the first two books anyhow (that's all I've read). They are a bit sappy I'll give ya that and a bit lite after all the Anne Rice and Laurell K Hamilton books I've read. There is a lot of carrying on and stubborn devotion for one's first love. I am older than that now and she seems to be a bit.. gushy.. for a girl's first crush. Everything is all big drama and I'm like, "Just get over yourselves already...!"

 

[chaseter]

I just made a new mythos about vampires and I am going to write a book! Vampires in my book can walk out in the sun, they have normal strength and speed like humans, and they don't have to drink blood! I am an author just like Stephanie!

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

see i seen a guy mention this in a review and i have to agree, this vampire is eternally 17 and he still goes to high school.

1 would people not notice the same kid every bloody year not get any older
2.you're going to tell me that he doesn't go to different school every year and pull this crap with a different girl, ********

 

[Gilpesh]

..and ComicChick, my gf straight up told me she wished guys would say things and be as romantic as Edward is. I told her I could threaten to brutally kill her at any time if she thought it would help in our romance dept, but she didn't think it would really work.

Did you remove the engine of her car.... for 'her own good'?

Are you making her stop talking to her friends?

Have you been watching her while she sleeps?

If not... you're clearly avoiding trying to be romantic like Edward.

 

[Valerie_f4]

Edward came out creepy than any guy.
Jacob not soo much, but you do see abusive behavior.

 

[chaseter]

see i seen a guy mention this in a review and i have to agree, this vampire is eternally 17 and he still goes to high school.

1 would people not notice the same kid every bloody year not get any older
2.you're going to tell me that he doesn't go to different school every year and pull this crap with a different girl, ********

And then in the movie they ultimately pull it off by having a 24 year old or however old he is play a 17 year old

 

[Valerie_f4]

yeah, I agree.^^
Also how she falls in love with him within a short time span.

 

[Colossal Spoons]

Haha, look at you men dissecting this romance series for women. I'm not hatin though, I'd do the same thing.

 

[Gilpesh]

Haha, look at you men dissecting this romance series for women. I'm not hatin though, I'd do the same thing.

Romance? You call that romance?

I call it a very old man taking advantage of some immature teenage girl...

 

[Valerie_f4]

I am a woman.

 

[Colossal Spoons]

Romance? You call that romance?

I call it a very old man taking advantage of some immature teenage girl...

Haha, but he looks 17!

I am a woman.

Ah ha, my apologies. This series has no chance then lol

 

[Valerie_f4]

What's that supposed to mean?

 

[Gilpesh]

Haha, but he looks 17!

He's like TEN times older than her... and with her having no personality... he should be completely bored with her... seriously.... if he was an actual vampire, by the millionth time Bella described how beautiful he was, he should have ripped out her throat and had himself a feast.


Vampire + Romance + Mary Sue - Everything that makes a vampire into a vampire besides drinking blood = s**ty story

 

[squeekness]

He's like TEN times older than her... and with her having no personality... he should be completely bored with her... seriously.... if he was an actual vampire, by the millionth time Bella described how beautiful he was, he should have ripped out her throat and had himself a feast.


Vampire + Romance + Mary Sue - Everything that makes a vampire into a vampire besides drinking blood = s**ty story

Yes but don't forget that Edward is a bit of a mary sue himself, so perfect at everything. I've only read two of the books so far and just about everyone is bland except for Jacob, the only one with any true emotion.

 

[Colossal Spoons]

What's that supposed to mean?

That even women(who are no doubt expected to just eat up the mushy romance) are pointing out things that don't make sense

 

[Gilpesh]

Yes but don't forget that Edward is a bit of a Gary Stu himself, so perfect at everything. I've only read two of the books so far and just about everyone is bland except for Jacob, the only one with any true emotion.

Fixed.

 

[squeekness]

Fixed.

True enough.

 

[Jennifer Walters]

Not saying it's not being used correctly in this case (It is, Bella and Edward are both straight of a crappy fan fiction), but I hate that the word Mary Sue and it's variants are thrown around so loosely without thinking nowadays.

 

[Gilpesh]

True enough.

Twilight is, "here's a fan fiction we published..."

http://www.cracked.com/article_16878_if-twilight-was-10-time-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.
KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
BILLY BURKE
Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?
GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?
MICHAEL WELCH
No way you *******, I saw her first!
KRISTEN STEWART
I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead?
ANNA KENDRICK
Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?
ANNA KENDRICK
Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.
Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.
KRISTEN STEWART
Who's the albino Wolverine?
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.
KRISTEN STEWART
No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days...
KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.
KRISTEN STEWART
(swoon)
ROBERT PATTINSON
You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.
ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!
ROBERT PATTINSON
There's more. I want to eat you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Holy ****, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but...
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, I mean literally eat you. I'm a vampire.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.
He DOES.
KRISTEN STEWART
You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
So that's why why your family moved here, because it's always overcast!
ROBERT PATTINSON
That's right everyone, this whole movie is a two-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.
KRISTEN STEWART
So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.
The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.