The Official Chuck Norris Thread

[The Comedian]

Because the Jon Stewart thread was hijacked by Chuck Norris, I feel it necessary to give him his own thread. Any and all Chuck Norris Should be placed here. To start it off...

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

[The_Raven]

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

 

[The Comedian]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

[The_Raven]

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

[The Comedian]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

 

[The_Raven]

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

 

[NDX]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

[The Comedian]

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

 

[The_Raven]

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

 

[The Comedian]

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

 

[The_Raven]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

 

[The Comedian]

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

 

[The_Raven]

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

 

[The Comedian]

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

[The Comedian]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

 

[PuMpKiN EsCoBaR]

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.