The Official Chuck Norris Thread

Discussion in 'SHH Community Forum' started by The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006.

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  1. The Comedian

    The Comedian Registered

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    Because the Jon Stewart thread was hijacked by Chuck Norris, I feel it necessary to give him his own thread. Any and all Chuck Norris Should be placed here. To start it off...

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
     
    #1 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  2. The_Raven

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    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
     
    #2 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  3. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
     
    #3 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  4. The Comedian

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    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
     
    #4 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  5. The_Raven

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    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
     
    #5 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  6. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
     
    #6 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  7. The Comedian

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    Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
     
    #7 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  8. The_Raven

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    Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
     
    #8 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  9. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
     
    #9 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  10. NDX

    NDX Luke... I am... tired.

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    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
     
    #10 NDX, Jan 5, 2006
  11. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
     
    #11 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  12. The Comedian

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    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
     
    #12 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  13. The_Raven

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    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
     
    #13 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  14. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
     
    #14 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  15. The Comedian

    The Comedian Registered

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    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
     
    #15 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  16. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
     
    #16 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  17. The_Raven

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
     
    #17 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  18. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
     
    #18 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  19. The Comedian

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    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
     
    #19 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  20. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
     
    #20 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  21. The_Raven

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    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
     
    #21 The_Raven, Jan 5, 2006
  22. The Comedian

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    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
     
    #22 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  23. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
     
    #23 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
  24. The Comedian

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    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
     
    #24 The Comedian, Jan 5, 2006
  25. PuMpKiN EsCoBaR

    PuMpKiN EsCoBaR L.A. Local 305

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    Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
     
    #25 PuMpKiN EsCoBaR, Jan 5, 2006
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