What do you look for in a potential partner?

[Mandon Knight]

Agree with Erz, in the sense that if you are looking for someone 'long term', one is going to have to be flexible and allow yourself open to new experiences and adventures.

 

[Flash525]

Tinder is just like any other avenue, it's like going to a bar, what are the chances that you might find someone there? Small but at all possible. I's just about keeping ALL your options open and trying to find someone almost like a full time job.

People who aren't overly good looking is just going to have to put more effort and go through more people until they find the right one.

I'd argue that Tinder is somewhat different to approaching someone in a bar, firstly, there's no rejection (as such); you simply don't get noticed, rather than turned down. Secondly, you can gauge more from a person (body language, what they're wearing, how they're acting, do they laugh, are they miserable, are they sober, are they drunk - etc) whereas on Tinder, you're restricted to viewing pictures that the user has chosen to post, and you're basing them on six - nine (or less) specific times in their life.

And if meeting someone who's Christian is important to you, you might want to try and meet women through church functions.

That's not a bad shout for you @spiderman2 , plus, I don't know how reliable they are, but there are some dating websites out there [that say] they cater specifically for religious people.

 

[Hannah Panana]

You choose "you best profile pics" for Tinder and if you both get to meet, good luck if Angelina really looks like Angelina at all!

 

[Flash525]

You choose "you best profile pics" for Tinder and if you both get to meet, good luck if Angelina really looks like Angelina at all!

I can't echo this enough; as with Tattoos and cosmetics etc, if I see a profile where I'm greeted by a snapchat filter, dog tongue emoji, or duck face, I'm skipping that one. I seriously don't understand why people do it; especially those of my search criteria (27-34). I'd expect it (maybe) from an 18yr old, but (with women supposedly being more mature) why the hell does a 30-something feel the need to use a filter or subscribe to the notion that their main photo needs to have them pouting or with a cat/dog nose and tongue.

Truly baffling.

 

[Hannah Panana]

I can't echo this enough; as with Tattoos and cosmetics etc, if I see a profile where I'm greeted by a snapchat filter, dog tongue emoji, or duck face, I'm skipping that one. I seriously don't understand why people do it; especially those of my search criteria (27-34). I'd expect it (maybe) from an 18yr old, but (with women supposedly being more mature) why the hell does a 30-something feel the need to use a filter or subscribe to the notion that their main photo needs to have them pouting or with a cat/dog nose and tongue.

Truly baffling.

When I had Tinder, all I could see was "posers" (travel pics included) and shirtless guys... why?

Maybe that's ALL they got (?)

 

[Flash525]

When I had Tinder, all I could see was "posers" (travel pics included) and shirtless guys... why?

Maybe that's ALL they got (?)

Well I don't search for guys, so I couldn't tell you how frequent that is. You must've encountered some normal profiles though? I guess the posers you and shirtless guys you encountered would be comparable to the filter freaks and cosmetic clowns that I encounter? One word; insecurities. It has always been my belief that people who need to subscribe to showing off do so because they're insecure - about something. What that insecurity is, no doubt varies from person to person, but I'm confident it's there.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I don't 'photograph' well in any situation, official, relaxed, social, even bloody selfies, so it's the primary reason why I'd never use a dating site (don't do 'apps') along with the fact people are being judged on 'looks only' which is completely wrong in my book, I get that the majority of the dating genre is like this, but I'm not, so I don't facilitate it.

 

[Flash525]

I don't 'photograph' well in any situation, official, relaxed, social, even bloody selfies, so it's the primary reason why I'd never use a dating site (don't do 'apps') along with the fact people are being judged on 'looks only' which is completely wrong in my book, I get that the majority of the dating genre is like this, but I'm not, so I don't facilitate it.

Generally, I don't either. Selfies (I confess to having taken them) are troublesome because you'll take several to get the best one, but it's obvious to everyone viewing them that the smile is forced and that you, the photo taker, have likely taken a bunch of them to get a good one.

I generally look good (or good enough) in photos that are taken when I'm genuinely enjoying myself or having a laugh. If I'm expecting a photo, or I'm posing for one, I don't tend to look so great, more fake, which I suppose is relative considering if you are posing for a photo, it is fake..

 

[Erzengel]

I don't 'photograph' well in any situation, official, relaxed, social, even bloody selfies, so it's the primary reason why I'd never use a dating site (don't do 'apps') along with the fact people are being judged on 'looks only' which is completely wrong in my book, I get that the majority of the dating genre is like this, but I'm not, so I don't facilitate it.

So what are you doing?

 

[Mandon Knight]

So what are you doing?

I've 'ignored' or placed my love life as 'not for me' for years through various personal & phsycological reasons, my last relationship or dating period was 13 years ago, and have come round this year to the fact I deserve one so I'm not sure how to approach or what best approach is for me at present, my dating and GF experience is incredibly limited for someone my age and so I'm kind of 'learning' really what and how works for me.

 

[Flash525]

I've 'ignored' or placed my love life as 'not for me' for years through various personal & phsycological reasons, my last relationship or dating period was 13 years ago, and have come round this year to the fact I deserve one so I'm not sure how to approach or what best approach is for me at present, my dating and GF experience is incredibly limited for someone my age and so I'm kind of 'learning' really what and how works for me.

Whilst it may not seem like it (because of how it's all portrayed by the media) I think there are a fair number of people like you/us who lack that whole experience, but who aren't heard of. There's no story in those who haven't got something to tell, so nobody hears about those in our situation. We're out there though, I can assure you of that.

Have you considered speed dating? If there's even one in your area? Was speaking to an inspector about that only back on Tuesday, and he said he tried it after an 18 month gap between a previous relationship. His review (for lack of a better word) was that the first session can be daunting and you'll be anxious, but if you make regular appearances, you'll get used to it.

You may not like the whole setup, but I'd sure urge you to give it a go; what've you got to lose? Just (if you do go) don't make the decision of I don't like this until you've been on at least three occasions.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Whilst it may not seem like it (because of how it's all portrayed by the media) I think there are a fair number of people like you/us who lack that whole experience, but who aren't heard of. There's no story in those who haven't got something to tell, so nobody hears about those in our situation. We're out there though, I can assure you of that.

Have you considered speed dating? If there's even one in your area? Was speaking to an inspector about that only back on Tuesday, and he said he tried it after an 18 month gap between a previous relationship. His review (for lack of a better word) was that the first session can be daunting and you'll be anxious, but if you make regular appearances, you'll get used to it.

You may not like the whole setup, but I'd sure urge you to give it a go; what've you got to lose? Just (if you do go) don't make the decision of I don't like this until you've been on at least three occasions.

Its hard enough to impress and make an impression over a dinner or drink over 90 minutes never mind a minute or five minutes tops, Christ no to speed dating thanks dude. Besides, I'd like to 'build' something with someone over a period of months by way of getting to know each other on the grounds of shared traits, interests, outlook, things in common rather than have to be some sort of performing circus animal for 5 minutes to 'impress' someone.

 

[Hannah Panana]

Its hard enough to impress and make an impression over a dinner or drink over 90 minutes never mind a minute or five minutes tops, Christ no to speed dating thanks dude. Besides, I'd like to 'build' something with someone over a period of months by way of getting to know each other on the grounds of shared traits, interests, outlook, things in common rather than have to be some sort of performing circus animal for 5 minutes to 'impress' someone.

Sounds stressful! Two people trying too hard to impress one each onther... oh, and that too: don't forget that the other person should impress you too.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Sounds stressful! Two people trying too hard to impress one each onther... oh, and that too: don't forget that the other person should impress you too.

Plus to me, it's an inherently 'false' scenario that you are potentially in a situation where if a 'meet' does go well, you are whisked away from each other to be met by then two other people (1 each) that whilst thinking about the recent 'positive meet' you are now in another meet. Its all way to 'conditioned' and like a cattle market for my liking. Just not for me thanks. The format & structure, just wouldn't suit my character and personality and psychological 'make-up'.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I was described as 'a catch' today by friend via a text today, so things looking 'up'

 

[Mandon Knight]

Flash's text....

Whilst it may not seem like it (because of how it's all portrayed by the media) I think there are a fair number of people like you/us who lack that whole experience, but who aren't heard of. There's no story in those who haven't got something to tell, so nobody hears about those in our situation. We're out there though, I can assure you of that.

With me, its 'simply', (I use the word simply to hide the fact it's WAY more than that) that I have, for years, believed myself not worthy or good enough/attractive enough/decent enough to be 'someone's boyfriend'. Something in me has changed in that outlook and certainly this year I want to explore the benefits of that change in terms of 'putting myself out there' and looking at the options ahead of me or 'making the most' of situations where if someone where to 'like me' then I have the forward capacity to explore that situation and know that 'actually, I am worthy and I am decent BF material'.

As I say though, the two barriers 'left' for me to conquer are...

1) How to develop solid, strong, emotionally valid friendships into 'relationships', where I am not seen as just 'the best friend' or the 'good friend', to go to that next level.

2) If someone is interested and they are sending signs or signals to me, that they do like me, I'm awful at reading those to a point, where that person would need to spell it out to me, I'm getting better at this but still rusty on that.

Appreciate both these points could in theory, affect most of us though, right ?

 

[Erzengel]

1) How to develop solid, strong, emotionally valid friendships into 'relationships', where I am not seen as just 'the best friend' or the 'good friend', to go to that next level.

If you are interested in someone and ask them out, if they say yes, great. If not don't hang around, don't invest any more time into it as one of my older favorite sayings go, "I have enough friends." You're not in this to make new friends.

2) If someone is interested and they are sending signs or signals to me, that they do like me, I'm awful at reading those to a point, where that person would need to spell it out to me, I'm getting better at this but still rusty on that.

I'm a big proponent of physical touch. If she touches you when she says something, if she leans in to talk to you, those are most of the time that they are at least comfortable with you.

 

[Mandon Knight]

If you are interested in someone and ask them out, if they say yes, great. If not don't hang around, don't invest any more time into it as one of my older favorite sayings go, "I have enough friends." You're not in this to make new friends.

But if one is friends already, you'd loose that friendship built and that's a sad thing, if it's a 'no', I mean.


I'm a big proponent of physical touch. If she touches you when she says something, if she leans in to talk to you, those are most of the time that they are at least comfortable with you.

Hard to do on-line or speaking to someone on-line as there is no physical 'action' as such to read from.

BTW, I answered your 'What am I doing point on the previous page, just for confirmation.

 

[Erzengel]

But if one is friends already, you'd loose that friendship built and that's a sad thing.

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty.

I don't know your situation. I don't know if you ever met this woman in person or how you corresponding.

Hard to do on-line or speaking to someone on-line as there is no physical 'action' as such to read from.

BTW, I answered your 'What am I doing point on the previous page, just for confirmation.

I go it, and yeah on-line obviously makes it harder. Has she ever suggested meeting up?

 

[Mandon Knight]

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty.

I don't know your situation. I don't know if you ever met this woman in person or how you corresponding.



I go it, and yeah on-line obviously makes it harder. Has she ever suggested meeting up?

They are both 'what if' situations Erz, purely written answers from how'd I feel in that situation.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty.

My life has full of that so I am looking to change that fact with these positive steps.

 

[Erzengel]

They are both 'what if' situations Erz, purely written answers from how'd I feel in that situation.

Well in terms of someone who's a friend, if you should or shouldn't.

If you've been long standing friendship, but you've been harboring feelings for? Part of me believes that you aren't being a good friend if you have ulterior motives.

And if you are talking to someone online, most of the time, it's part of the courtship to escalate it into talking on the phone and then finally meeting in person which is where you see if there's chemistry and then initiate intimacy.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Well in terms of someone who's a friend, if you should or shouldn't.

If you've been long standing friendship, but you've been harboring feelings for? Part of me believes that you aren't being a good friend if you have ulterior motives.

And if you are talking to someone online, most of the time, it's part of the courtship to escalate it into talking on the phone and then finally meeting in person which is where you see if there's chemistry and then initiate intimacy.

As I say, I just wrote my responses as to how I'd felt previously when close friends had 're-buffed' me in the 'just good friends' discussion (aged 16) and was talking totally 'what if' this time round, I'm not in any such situation presently.

As far as 'ulterior motives', for me, romances can only grow from friendship, if your partner is not your best friend in the world then one is on a bit of 'a comedown' to begin with.

As I say, I have quite an unusual perspective on relationships that leave me vulnerable to being on my own, and if that happens and I never 'get with someone' then that's something I have to accept.

 

[Erzengel]

I think romance can bloom from friendship but if romance is one sided, then yeah it's a bit of of an unfair situation especially if you are doing things for them in the hopes that one day they may see you differently.

Some partners don't even start off as friends. Mine didn't. Obviously, I can't speak for everyone but what worked for me. If I was single tomorrow, I wouldn't be out looking for friends personally especially if the avenues I was taking was some sort of dating site. Now in terms of meeting people in social clubs, work (which I don't recommend), yeah friendship can start first.

 

[Flash525]

Its hard enough to impress and make an impression over a dinner or drink over 90 minutes never mind a minute or five minutes tops, Christ no to speed dating thanks dude. Besides, I'd like to 'build' something with someone over a period of months by way of getting to know each other on the grounds of shared traits, interests, outlook, things in common rather than have to be some sort of performing circus animal for 5 minutes to 'impress' someone.

I'd always thought of speed dating as making a good impression and clicking with someone; you don't need 90 minutes to know that.

The concept (as was explained to me) is to meet a group of people on an individual basis for several minutes, and at the end of the session you exchange details with the people who you shared mutual impressions with. Typically it's the event organises that have each attendee fill in brief details about who they liked, and if there's any matches, both participants are then given the others details to arrange something among themselves.

It's fine if you don't think it's for you, but, what've you got to lose by giving it a go?

With me, its 'simply', (I use the word simply to hide the fact it's WAY more than that) that I have, for years, believed myself not worthy or good enough/attractive enough/decent enough to be 'someone's boyfriend'.

What changed initially, between your last relationship and the point at which you now realise you are worthy? Why did you ever think yourself unworthy?

1) How to develop solid, strong, emotionally valid friendships into 'relationships', where I am not seen as just 'the best friend' or the 'good friend', to go to that next level.

You don't specifically need to develop a friendship first though, do you? I mean, would you consider just dating someone? If not, then this brings up that age old question of whether boys and girls can be friends. This conclusion very much varies from person to person, as I've found out first hand back in August (though I suppose that was different in the sense that I was dating a girl and I then proposed a friendship when she was unsure on the dating front). I guess it's awkward to go from dating to friendship, rather than the other way around, but then, that again may be circumstantial to the individual.

I'd echo what @Erzengel has said here; if you've been friends with someone for a lengthy period of time and develop feelings for them, what are you intentions? Is the friendship worth losing if you were to overstep? If you've a female friend you're interested in developing with, maybe there's a way to test the water somehow? Maybe think of something to say (in a jokey manner maybe) implying more, to gauge a reaction? Just be weary.

2) If someone is interested and they are sending signs or signals to me, that they do like me, I'm awful at reading those to a point, where that person would need to spell it out to me, I'm getting better at this but still rusty on that.

Hahaha, good god man, you're asking the impossible here. The same signals can mean very different things from different people. Going back to my date with that girl last year, all the signals from the very first date that she was fairly into me, maybe I should have acted on some of them sooner, but ultimately something happened (with her) where those said signals became irrelevant.

I went to a Samaritans Event Wednesday (to join as a voluenteer, not for help) and there was a girl there who was quite friendly; I could read that in several ways. Was she being flirty? Was she being friendly? Was she just being herself? There's no way to tell.

I'm a big proponent of physical touch. If she touches you when she says something, if she leans in to talk to you, those are most of the time that they are at least comfortable with you.

This is an indicator, yeah. @Mandon Knight , just don't tell them you like them on a second date. It'll go downhill.

Edit:

As far as 'ulterior motives', for me, romances can only grow from friendship, if your partner is not your best friend in the world then one is on a bit of 'a comedown' to begin with.

I think this is where your problem lays, maybe. If you're adamant that you feel as though you can only develop a relationship from a friendship then you run the risk of being friendzoned by every woman you meet. That, or the friendship is (potentially) based on a lie as you're (potentially) looking to escalate/evolve it once you feel comfortable with said person, when they may just want a friend.