What do you look for in a potential partner?

[Mandon Knight]

I'd always thought of speed dating as making a good impression and clicking with someone; you don't need 90 minutes to know that.

The concept (as was explained to me) is to meet a group of people on an individual basis for several minutes, and at the end of the session you exchange details with the people who you shared mutual impressions with. Typically it's the event organises that have each attendee fill in brief details about who they liked, and if there's any matches, both participants are then given the others details to arrange something among themselves.

It's fine if you don't think it's for you, but, what've you got to lose by giving it a go?

What changed initially, between your last relationship and the point at which you now realise you are worthy? Why did you ever think yourself unworthy?

You don't specifically need to develop a friendship first though, do you? I mean, would you consider just dating someone? If not, then this brings up that age old question of whether boys and girls can be friends. This conclusion very much varies from person to person, as I've found out first hand back in August (though I suppose that was different in the sense that I was dating a girl and I then proposed a friendship when she was unsure on the dating front). I guess it's awkward to go from dating to friendship, rather than the other way around, but then, that again may be circumstantial to the individual.

I'd echo what @Erzengel has said here; if you've been friends with someone for a lengthy period of time and develop feelings for them, what are you intentions? Is the friendship worth losing if you were to overstep? If you've a female friend you're interested in developing with, maybe there's a way to test the water somehow? Maybe think of something to say (in a jokey manner maybe) implying more, to gauge a reaction? Just be weary.

Hahaha, good god man, you're asking the impossible here. The same signals can mean very different things from different people. Going back to my date with that girl last year, all the signals from the very first date that she was fairly into me, maybe I should have acted on some of them sooner, but ultimately something happened (with her) where those said signals became irrelevant.

I went to a Samaritans Event Wednesday (to join as a voluenteer, not for help) and there was a girl there who was quite friendly; I could read that in several ways. Was she being flirty? Was she being friendly? Was she just being herself? There's no way to tell.

This is an indicator, yeah. @Mandon Knight , just don't tell them you like them on a second date. It'll go downhill.

Edit:
I think this is where your problem lays, maybe. If you're adamant that you feel as though you can only develop a relationship from a friendship then you run the risk of being friendzoned by every woman you meet. That, or the friendship is (potentially) based on a lie as you're (potentially) looking to escalate/evolve it once you feel comfortable with said person, when they may just want a friend.

Okay, I'll try and make my way through all this....

Speed dating - No, simple as that but thanks for the explanation, I refer you to my previous answers on it's 'circus and performing animal' routines, I don't 'perform' for anyone, you either like me or you don't, I shouldn't have to jump through hoops for someone's tick box sheet by way of whether I have 'razzmatazz' or a decent job or a winning smile, or a house in the country.

What changed initially, between your last relationship and the point at which you now realise you are worthy? Why did you ever think yourself unworthy?

I am clearly 'missing out' and as I get older (I'm 44 in 11 days time) and I see my friends around me building their families and share events and have happy times together I know how much it hurts not being able to share that or 'have that', the simple things in a relationship, the big things, any of it, it just hurts not having someone to hold hands with or cuddle in the evening or simply 'share my life' with. The unworthiness stems from a huge amount of psychological mess really from childhood to teen to a breakdown in my early 20's to alcoholism to depression, just years of self loathing which therapy and a lot of self reflection, learning to appreciate myself and know that I'm a good person has resolved and wanting and believing I AM worthy for someone. That's a summery of the reasons, the full answer would run to pages.

I've never really been dating, in all honesty. My first GF was at late 20's, we met through a friend and I cast her in my film, we broke up whilst making the film, we finished the film. That was it.

That was 13 years ago. Haven't dated since. Prior to that, liked someone at 16, we were really good mates, I liked her very much, I declared this, she didn't think the same, she went out with a best mate of mine, broke my heart, I decided at that point, I would never have another relationship. Didn't until I was 29 and the relationship with actress. Haven't dated since then which as I say was 13 years ago.

I think this is where your problem lays, maybe. If you're adamant that you feel as though you can only develop a relationship from a friendship then you run the risk of being friendzoned by every woman you meet. That, or the friendship is (potentially) based on a lie as you're (potentially) looking to escalate/evolve it once you feel comfortable with said person, when they may just want a friend.

About 70% of my friendship base is female, I can honestly say I don't want a relationship or to sleep with them. Yes, I am 'forever' seen as the brother not the BF potential because I don't project myself to females as 'sexual possibility Jim' from the outset, whomever that female is on meeting them. In the past I've been 'happy' to play that role, and this is where the 'change' is, I want to be or feel able to be the BF role not just a friend. That's where the difference is now.

 

[Flash525]

Good reply @Mandon Knight , I'll save on the quoting, and sorry for my extensive last message. I started writing it, then you and @Erzengel started posting more which just added to my reply haha. You mention you've 70% female friendships though, have you talked to any of them about this? They may have friends that you've not met which they could maybe introduce you too? You met one previous partner through a friend, why not again?

I do sympathise with your position; I'm 31 (32 in two months) and have yet to actually have a relationship; I had a bit of a sheltered upbringing and wasn't fussed about relationships in school or college and was happy in my own little world, and then I went into factory work where there are limited women (most of which are older or otherwise unavailable). I have a small social group, mostly guys, so the only way for me to meet people (for friendships and more) is by putting myself out there any not relying on the comforts of my life thus far. It's not as if I'm striking lucky on dating apps.

I'll confess, I do feel lonely sometimes, especially when friends are in relationships or people (at work) talk about their weekend shenanigans and openly discuss their sex lives. I can't emphasise enough though, the more people you meet, as I'm beginning to see, the more options you'll have. I know you're doing something about that already, which is good - just don't give up, and maybe speak to your female friends, see if they can offer any advice, or even set you up (don't rule it out from previous experience).

 

[Mandon Knight]

Good reply @Mandon Knight , I'll save on the quoting, and sorry for my extensive last message. I started writing it, then you and @Erzengel started posting more which just added to my reply haha. You mention you've 70% female friendships though, have you talked to any of them about this? They may have friends that you've not met which they could maybe introduce you too? You met one previous partner through a friend, why not again?

I do sympathise with your position; I'm 31 (32 in two months) and have yet to actually have a relationship; I had a bit of a sheltered upbringing and wasn't fussed about relationships in school or college and was happy in my own little world, and then I went into factory work where there are limited women (most of which are older or otherwise unavailable). I have a small social group, mostly guys, so the only way for me to meet people (for friendships and more) is by putting myself out there any not relying on the comforts of my life thus far. It's not as if I'm striking lucky on dating apps.

I'll confess, I do feel lonely sometimes, especially when friends are in relationships or people (at work) talk about their weekend shenanigans and openly discuss their sex lives. I can't emphasise enough though, the more people you meet, as I'm beginning to see, the more options you'll have. I know you're doing something about that already, which is good - just don't give up, and maybe speak to your female friends, see if they can offer any advice, or even set you up (don't rule it out from previous experience).

You mention you've 70% female friendships though, have you talked to any of them about this? They may have friends that you've not met which they could maybe introduce you too? You met one previous partner through a friend, why not again?

In relation to that previous relationship, I'm not really in the same circle of friends as I was then, and those 70% are all of age groups that their friends too are all in relationships, given in their 30 / 40's, it's bound to be the case or I've been told 'I'm too good for their friends' (which can be taken anyway one likes, I certainly don't regard myself better than anyone).

I have a really small social circle on a regular basis (weekly meets / weekend drinks etc.), I talk to you guys and interact more on here than I do with my 'real time' friends.

There are things happening which will resolve themselves this year I feel in a particular direction in my life and that will result in a 'definitive' position (in terms of prospective relationships) in my life and determine where and how I progress forward at the end of this year and into 2020.

 

[Flash525]

Just remember @Mandon Knight , don't miss any opportunities. I'd quote something I read the other day, but I can't remember exactly how it went now. It was to do with choices, and how we might as well (all) take the risk of doing something, rather than the risk of doing nothing - both are risks, but there's more to be gained from the road taken, rather than the road not taken, even if it doesn't work out, it's still experience that you otherwise wouldn't have.

I sincerely hope this year works out for you - and for anyone else that's had a difficult 2018.

 

[Hannah Panana]

Men & women can be friends, I have a very good male friend, Alejandro, and I trust him with my life. I have to admit, though, that our friendship morphed into a brother and sister relationship but I always saw him like a friend just as much as he always saw me as a very good friend to him. He could never, ever, be anything but a friend to me... Could never date him!

Some friends are meant to stay forever friends and some others... Who knows? But in these cases, I believe that -deep inside- one already knows that something else will come of it.

Am I making any sense?

 

[Mandon Knight]

Men & women can be friends, I have a very good male friend, Alejandro, and I trust him with my life. I have to admit, though, that our friendship morphed into a brother and sister relationship but I always saw him like a friend just as much as he always saw me as a very good friend to him. He could never, ever, be anything but a friend to me... Could never date him!

Some friends are meant to stay forever friends and some others... Who knows? But in these cases, I believe that -deep inside- one already knows that something else will come of it.

Am I making any sense?

Perfect sense HP, I too believe men & women can be friends, the best friends. It's lovely when it happens. I also believe wonderfully defined male & female friendships can develop into beautiful relationships as well.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Just remember @Mandon Knight , don't miss any opportunities. I'd quote something I read the other day, but I can't remember exactly how it went now. It was to do with choices, and how we might as well (all) take the risk of doing something, rather than the risk of doing nothing - both are risks, but there's more to be gained from the road taken, rather than the road not taken, even if it doesn't work out, it's still experience that you otherwise wouldn't have.

I sincerely hope this year works out for you - and for anyone else that's had a difficult 2018.

Thanks man on your wishes and for you too.

 

[Flash525]

Men & women can be friends, I have a very good male friend, Alejandro, and I trust him with my life. I have to admit, though, that our friendship morphed into a brother and sister relationship but I always saw him like a friend just as much as he always saw me as a very good friend to him. He could never, ever, be anything but a friend to me... Could never date him!

Some friends are meant to stay forever friends and some others... Who knows? But in these cases, I believe that -deep inside- one already knows that something else will come of it.

Am I making any sense?

You're making sense, yeah, but I think the concept (if that's the right word) behind these kind of friendships depends on their origin.

Think school, college, or even work. You meet people and in some instances, friendships develop. Those friendships are more ... natural (in the sense they aren't forced - you just get to know someone and before you know it, you're spending time with them outside of work). That aspect is no different to same-sex friendships.

The difference is when you purposely go looking for opposite-sex friendships, because there's obviously a ulterior motive present. I wouldn't think people would go looking for just female friends, because why? What does it matter what sex a person is if you're only interested in friendship?

The exception to this rule (which I'd imagine doesn't happen very often) is people that become friends (or at least friendly) following failed dates, relationships or marriages, and even then, it's only those that have failed because things just didn't work out, rather than a someone playing away or getting abusive etc.

 

[Hannah Panana]

You're making sense, yeah, but I think the concept (if that's the right word) behind these kind of friendships depends on their origin.

Think school, college, or even work. You meet people and in some instances, friendships develop. Those friendships are more ... natural (in the sense they aren't forced - you just get to know someone and before you know it, you're spending time with them outside of work). That aspect is no different to same-sex friendships.

The difference is when you purposely go looking for opposite-sex friendships, because there's obviously a ulterior motive present. I wouldn't think people would go looking for just female friends, because why? What does it matter what sex a person is if you're only interested in friendship?

The exception to this rule (which I'd imagine doesn't happen very often) is people that become friends (or at least friendly) following failed dates, relationships or marriages, and even then, it's only those that have failed because things just didn't work out, rather than a someone playing away or getting abusive etc.

Oh, no, no... Maybe words failed me. Long time frienships may no evolve towards a romantic relationship, I believe.

But there are some young or "new" friendships that may have this extra ingredient of romanticism (?) And in this case both people involved are somehow aware of it. But that's the difference, you can already feel it. In a regular friendly relationship you know that you will just be friends because either you don't feel attracted to the other person or there's something that make you feel that you both are not compatible that way...

 

[Hannah Panana]

Evolve towards or evolve into? Or evolve... ?

 

[Mandon Knight]

Agreed HP, in the 'knowledge' of burgeoning romance already has the essence of strong friendship and the two can build from there because they both feel it developing and feel comfortable and safe with that build. You can definitely 'feel it' when it's there and it's a question of developing that and organically building trust, feeling, care, protection and love through that 'bond' once established.

 

[Flash525]

@Hannah Panana , now I'm confused. Are you saying long term friendships can, or can't develop into something romantic?

I would have thought(?) that short term friendships are easier to develop into romance because you haven't so built the friendship up so much, so the transition is easier, whereas with a long term friendship, that transition may be more difficult or misguided, and then if things don't work out, you potentially lose a long-term friend. At the very least the friendship going forward from that point wouldn't be as strong as it was.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm all for friends of the opposite sex.

It's when one of the friends starts dating someone else where the true test rises. If the opposite sex best friend can handle it and doesn't try to undermine, sabotage or get jealous that whomever their friend is dating is becoming the most important person in their lives.

 

[Hannah Panana]

Long ones cannot! Short ones can.

 

[Flash525]

I'm all for friends of the opposite sex.

Oh I'm not saying I'm not; I'd welcome female friends (as friends). What I'm saying though is that if any heterosexual man actively goes in search of only female friends, then it may be that friendship isn't what's actually on their mind.

It's when one of the friends starts dating someone else where the true test rises. If the opposite sex best friend can handle it and doesn't try to undermine, sabotage or get jealous that whomever their friend is dating is becoming the most important person in their lives.

True, and that works both ways too in the sense that, for argument sake here, if the boyfriend of the female friend had issues with his girlfriend being close (whilst only friendly) with another guy, would he take issue, or feel threatened by that?

 

[Brutikus]

Thankfully I am not looking for any significant other as am single and wish to remain so so never looking.

 

[spiderman2]

@spiderman2 , presumably you're also looking for a woman who doesn't care about paragraphs?

On the second half of your message, I can relate; I wouldn't date someone old enough to be my mother, or young enough to be my daughter, and I wouldn't date anyone who's obese or anorexic (I'm talking those size zero models with no actual body to them). That's not remotely attractive to me. When I go on Tinder, or when I've been on other dating websites for that matter, if (and you'll have to excuse the judgement) someone who looks like they've eaten a Horse, or if they look as though they need to eat a Horse (if they're too thin) or if it looks like they've just faceplanted a cosmetics counter then I quickly move on from them.

I'm no Olympic athlete, nor am I a model (have a bit of a belly), but I am quite active and wouldn't want to date someone that doesn't at least take care of themselves - but at the same time, someone who's stupidly athletic just wouldn't suit because we'd be leading very different lifestyles and long-term, that's likely to cause a clash.

I wouldn't say you've only got a love of sports either - surely there's an interest in superhero media in there somewhere, else you'd not be on here. Some women (so I'm told) are quite into that.

Sports and video games are my two things I would say I love. Well I love spiderman but have never really read the comics but like the movies, cartoon and games. But I want some one who loves sports has I watch a lot of sports and not having some one I can watch sports with and like go to sports games with is something I fell like I am missing in my life big time. Even my friends dont really like sports but I would say we are friends more because we get along well together and have similar persanlityes but it drives me nuts that I cant watch sports with them.

I'd argue that Tinder is somewhat different to approaching someone in a bar, firstly, there's no rejection (as such); you simply don't get noticed, rather than turned down. Secondly, you can gauge more from a person (body language, what they're wearing, how they're acting, do they laugh, are they miserable, are they sober, are they drunk - etc) whereas on Tinder, you're restricted to viewing pictures that the user has chosen to post, and you're basing them on six - nine (or less) specific times in their life.

That's not a bad shout for you @spiderman2 , plus, I don't know how reliable they are, but there are some dating websites out there [that say] they cater specifically for religious people.

I have tried some of the normal dating websites like match, POF, okcupid etc and women never message back ever.

 

[Hannah Panana]

Sports and video games are my two things I would say I love. Well I love spiderman but have never really read the comics but like the movies, cartoon and games. But I want some one who loves sports has I watch a lot of sports and not having some one I can watch sports with and like go to sports games with is something I fell like I am missing in my life big time. Even my friends dont really like sports but I would say we are friends more because we get along well together and have similar persanlityes but it drives me nuts that I cant watch sports with them.

Have you thought of the possibility of looking for a sports forum? Maybe you can find not only someone you are "more compatible" with but also maybe a new social group. I'd give it a try if I were you... in fact been doing it my whole life.

I have tried some of the normal dating websites like match, POF, okcupid etc and women never message back ever.

Maybe a change of tactics is in order.

 

[Flash525]

I have tried some of the normal dating websites like match, POF, okcupid etc and women never message back ever.

Dating websites, and apps (if you haven't already read what's been wrote here about them) only pay off for a select few men. Women can, and usually are, very picky when using such … applications (and why wouldn't they be - they've got ridiculous choice). There's statistically more men on dating websites and apps than there are women, and those many men are going to be sending many messages to many women. It's hardly going to be a surprise that women are going to pick out the best from the bunch - they can't be expected to provide a message to everyone they're not interested in.

If people like us want to meet people, we've got to do so in the real world, and not the virtual one.

 

[Sundancer]

I have so much to say. If I do it'll sound like Mandon Knight and I are the same person posting under two accounts.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I have so much to say. If I do it'll sound like Mandon Knight and I are the same person posting under two accounts.

It's okay, we are definitely two different people, I can assure you everyone

 

[Flash525]

I have so much to say. If I do it'll sound like Mandon Knight and I are the same person posting under two accounts.

Please do speak up. It's always interesting to read likeminded views.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Please do speak up. It's always interesting to read likeminded views.

Seconded. SD, you'll find support here, I guarantee it.