Long reviews? Pfah, I say!
That's like the perfect weapon, so long as it doesn't accidentally run into any passing asteroids, large spacecraft, or any one of countless planets and stars that likely lie between Earth and some planet on the opposite side of the galaxy.
Muh? It's
space. Space is
empty. Y'know that we're not set up like dominoes, right? Seriously, you can throw a
star-sized object in any one direction in the universe and 99.99999% of the time you're not gonna hit anything but the black. Planets and systems float millions of light-years apart from one another, much less tiny debris that'd get torn right apart by a bullet the size of Nevada anyway. Heck, even with the course intricately plotted with superscience, there's a darn good chance that the bullet'll miss
Earth entirely.
...Hey, that's probably what's gonna happen. Kitty's going to do something to tilt the trajectory a bit and the bullet (with her on it) is just gonna keep on sailing.
Anypoo,
Astonishing X-Men #24
"
There is a bullet pointed at this planet's head."
Fun with foreshadowing!
What to say? Big action, pretty people, and what remains some of the very best dialogue and plotting that the medium has ever seen. What I like so much about these kinds of stories is the chessboard-like feel to the story. Some pieces here, other pieces there, some set up a long time ago, some set up very quickly, all moving and converging on a very specific end. It's the same feel I got from something like Infinite Crisis, another of my favorites.
I find that a lot of stories tend to fall into one of two groupings, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. In one type of story, you get fewer characters and fewer plot points and the Reader Camera is zoomed in superclose into the details and the focus and the intricacies. The plot is tight and defined and it's easy to get personal and follow along in this microcosm, but you sacrifice epicness and high fantasy for it and, well, you have to work really hard to make it at all interesting. A lot of times, it simply
isn't. See below re: Crime Bible for a story of this sort.
On the other hand, the alternative is to throw in a huge variety of characters and plotpieces and bright, macrocosmic storytelling with a dozen things going on at once and warring against one another for The Battle to End All Battles, which is classic superhero storytelling and the kind that ends up being the most fun...but of course, the more you have to juggle, the more incoherent and unstable your plot feels. Sometimes things feel outright wrong and with glaring mistakes and stuff. See below re: Messiah Complex for a story of this sort.
My point? It's very rare for any one series to be able to balance the two extremes, much less a series without 9999 tie-ins. This one does it and does it well.
It's a little annoying that Scott -- who just, like, blew up reality five minutes ago with his eyes -- can't do anything but fire little pyew-pyew beams at Ord and Kruun. But it's not like he actually lost to them so I guess it's okay. Plus, he probably needs to fill up his power meter after that hyper combo finish.
(9.2 out of 10)
X-Men #402: Messah Complex Final Chapter
Hey, wait, doesn't Archangel have healing blood? Why didn't he just bleed on Xavier? Meh.
Hmm. I actually don't...dislike it, per se. I do, but I don't. It all ended up being exactly what I expected, which may be why the numbness to it all now.
But then, I couldn't help but utterly joygasm when the identity of the baby was...maybesortakinda...revealed. I started to guess immediately last week that Jean was going to be the baby when Ramos put visibly red hair/green eyes on the kid. I really hope that she is. She is their redeemer, the Phoenix from the ashes, the pinnacle and representative of ultimate mutation. I would have been ticked if they had just forgotten about her in the midst of all this.
Which of course doesn't save the event itself. Everyone has pretty much covered the weaknesses and outright faults of this series by now, myself included; it was a complete recycling of the 90s. The plot is choppy and utterly without depth for such a large event. Most scenes seem to begin and end with the notion of throwing as many characters onto the page as possible and seeing what happens. I've read through every word of this entire event and I
still couldn't tell you what the hell some of these characters were doing or what their motivation was. An entire half of the story was devoted to revealing the SHOCKING and EXTREME and ASTONISHING and and UNCANNY and SHOCKING secret that...mutants in the future are persecuted. Like they have been in
every single possible future we've ever seen. Wow guys, wow.
Which leads up to the thing that's been said before and needs to be said again:
WTF, Bishop? Serially; we're talking ZOMGWTFROTFLMAO on an astonomical scale here. I don't even understand if his motivation to kill the baby even makes sense. He has no idea what the baby does, he has no idea when or when or how it even leads to "his" future (which has already been retconned so many times by this point, who even knows the specifics of "his" future anymore?), he doesn't even know if killing it will hurt the timeline even worse...and yet, with no visible changes in his demeanor, he simply has no choice but to go Liefieldian CRAZY and start shooting people.
And the worst part of it all is that, by the end, absolutely nothing has been resolved. We don't know what the hell has happened, Bishop's bigass betrayal is just completely unresolved, Cable just went...somewhere, sometime, Layla is still stuck...whenever. Mutants are still doomed and, oh yeah, Xavier is dead or whatever, again. Dozens of plot points have just been granted "to be continued" status. What the heck was the point of all this, then? Just advertisement for future books? Yeah, welcome to the 90s indeed. X-Men go through hard times and end up not really winning for no purpose whatsoever.
In spite of all that, in spite of all that incompetence and questionable storytelling...this series does deserve a fair bit of credit for being one of the most coherent and well-planned crossovers from either company in years. The story may not have been coherent, but the structure definitely was. I can definitely see how this would reinvigorate interest in the flaccid X-titles; it really was the most tolerable and most well-thought-out "event" that the X-books have had from Marvel for years. And that's worth a lot.
(5.9 out of 10)
(7.5 out of 10 for the entire event)
Wonder Woman #16
It gets better and better, and so much is being done right here. There's not a single panel in this issue that made me go, hmm, nah, that shouldn't have happened...and many that made me go, oh yes, that was totally awesome. And this is only Simone's third issue? There's an entire
run of this left to go? Awesome.
I think the first six pages is my favorite, honestly. And considering the remaining twenty-two contains gorilla soldiers versus Nazi army, that's a tall claim to make. But two things about that intro really pleased me
1) It may very well be the first time since freaking Perez that Wonder Woman's origin story has been directly explored...and explored
well. Of any mainstream superhero, much less one of the Big Three, Diana really does have one of the least iconic beginnings, but it's really cool to see Simone doing so much with it. She's not just a golem. She's not just crafted from clay. She's a daughter and a symbol and salvation.
2) Alkyone has truly become one of
the most sympathetic and understandable villains ever. She's, like, a complete antithesis to the dozens upon hundreds of cliche villains out there that do nothing but waste our time with their completely lack of anything remotely resembling interest (coughcoughSABINAcoughwheeze Winickcough).
Other things that I liked? Well, the use of the golden lasso remains possibly the best use of the golden lasso that anyone has ever used. Also, I really like that Simone had her recite poetry. One of the things I've always ferociously detested about Wonder Woman in the nineties is that so many writers -- mostly writers on other books, but some of her own writers as well -- found absolutely
nothing for her to than to fight all the time and that she had no
interests than to fight all the time and spar and fight and spar with other heroes and be fighting. When Superman wasn't fighting, he was a reporter; he had other interests. When Batman wasn't fighting, he was being a detective. Good writers like Rucka, of course, gave her interests and a career and things that she
was other than just a fighter...and with the return of the Diana Prince identity, one of the things I really worried about was that, once again, she'd just be fighting when she wasn't fighting. But here, Simone showed that she could fight
and have other interests as well; it's just poetry, sure, but a little goes a long way.
(9.6 out of 10)
Young Avengers Presents: Patriot
Pretty good overall. It's not quite at the level of Heinberg -- sigh -- or Wells, but it gets the job done quite well and the characters are all pretty in-character. The sign on Billy's door is still the very best thing ever.
There's a bit of an after school special tone to the book, and some of it really straddled the line of heavy-handedness. But when you think about it, there's really no other way to tackle the kind of issues that...they're tackling here...and have it
not feel at least a bit heavy-handed. Because it's heavy topic.
Now, Bucky giving an inspirational speech about the American ideal?
That was kinda weird. I'm not the foremost expert on Buckyology, but he always seemed to be less of an inspirational speech kind of guy and more of a kick you in the face kind of guy. He himself references this repeatedly in the issue, being all "Meeeh Steve was so much better at this," and then proceeds to give flawlessly inspirational speeches anyway. Maybe he's just training himself for the real deal.
(7.6 out of 10)
Blue Beetle #23
Hey...since when did the Scarab start talking in English? Did I totally miss the part where it went from an alien alphabet to stylized English?
Anywho...GAHHH, this is so good. Y'know how I said it's rare to have a series that balances an assload of longterm surplus with intimacy and small-scale characterizing? This would be another one of those rare series. There's weird stuff with plot elements that are completely out there, and yet it's never so out there that you wouldn't be able to follow. And then there's just the right amount of smaller moments and dramatic storytelling without taking you out of the larger scale story. It's flawless. There's nothing to complain about here.
And also? "This is about the point when
Ravager tries to stab somebody and
Robin starts that grind-y thing with his teeth.
You're way cooler." Complete motto and quoted for fiery, brilliant truth.
(9.7 out of 10)
Speaking of which,
Teen Titans #55
Mm. I'm gonna start to trade-wait this, if I even buy it at all.
When did everyone become such gigantic asshoel *****ebags? Rose was always a *****ebag, but everyone else? First of all, "Not entirely convinced he's Titans material?" There's a Titans material now? Isn't the whole point of the Titans supposed to be to help train younger heroes who aren't...material...yet? I love how Tim makes a big deal about how bloody freaking
Supergirl of all people is so right and ready for the Titans...but Jaime isn't. Man, Jaime has been more adult and responsible and "ready" for this thing than the rest of the current Titans
combined.
Cassie and Tim have more issues and act like *****ebags to each other. Yay? Of all the forced and unorganic couples there are out there, these two take the top spots. Hell, they fill up the top ten with how forced and unorganic their "relationship" is. I'm sort of glad that it's..."over," now, but I'm sort of not glad that it had to be over in such a *****ebaggy way.
Someone else mentioned on another board that Miss Martian is basically just Raven 2.0 at this point, and I gotta agree. This whole "Titan goes eeeeeeeevil" story has been outplayed to the point of insanity.
And meanwhile, the art? Man. I don't think I've ever hated good art so much. It's good art because it's...well, technically good, but everyone looks so old and ugly here. They're teens! Teen Titans! They shouldn't be old and only very occasionally ugly.
I still hold out hope that McKeever will somehow drag this series out of the ass imprint that Beechen left it in, but that hope is dwindling fast. I mean, up next is..."Terror Titans?" Seriously? When we
just now got finished with a horrible storyline about horrible "evil Titans" that no one in their right mind gave a sht about? Maybe McKeever is just prolonging the slow and painful death of this franchise.
(3.1 out of 10)
52 Aftermath: Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood #4: Murder: The Reckoning: Electric Bugaloo: The Director's Cut: Blu-Ray Widescreen Edition
There's a very Silence of the Lambs tone to this issue, in a good way. There's a psychopath on the loose, and like all good literary psychopaths, his psychopathy ties into the theme of the story in a profound manner. Well, maybe not
that profound; whereas the prior "lessons" of this series sort of made you have to think to solve the mystery and delve a bit into the subtleties of the story, this one is a bit more in-your-face and pretty much spells out the "lesson" for you in clear concise letters. You'd understand when you read it. It's not a bad thing, though, and it's still as much of a twist as the prior issues.
A lot of what I can only assume are Vic Sage's prior supporting cast shows up in this issue, and I'm glad Rucka is utilizing them in such an organic manner. Renee herself doesn't have a supporting cast as of yet, so here's hoping some of them at least sticks around.
(8.7 out of 10)
Countdown to Mystery #5
Whoa there, lots and lots of text.
A bit of an odd turn for both the stories in this series. Eclipso story delves into Bruce Gordon's increasingly complicated life and mindset and the Fate story explores psychology via comic book writing. They're both interesting concepts, but it feels a bit slow especially compared to earlier chapters. And did I mention the lots and lots of text? Again, it's
interesting text -- the comic book within a comic book was definitely a cool idea -- but I kinda just wanted to get back to the plot already.
(3 out of 10 for the Eclipso story)
(3.5 out of 10 for the Dr. Fate story)
(6.5 out of 10 overall)
Superman/Batman #45
Man, I'm sad that there's not quite as much zany lines and in-jokes here as there was in the last issue, but this issue does pretty well anyway. A lot of great interactions, and Hiro is still packed to the brim with awesome. All in all, it was doing quite well...until "Aquaman" showed up.
Man, it must have been something in the water (L. O. L. ), 'cause he was like the biggest whiney *****e ever here. And I don't understand the argument he made. I really don't. I read it over and over and it still doesn't seem to make sense. It never once occurred to Superman that the world wouldn't be grateful for a savior? It never once occurred to him that people wouldn't want it to be save for him to do his job? And that's why he shouldn't collect the Kryptonite? Because people don't want it to be easy for him to save them?
That's ******ed. That's
epic ******ed. Just because people might feel that way doesn't mean they're
right. Just because people might want Superman to be challenged -- and I'm not saying that they don't -- doesn't mean it's the correct attitude. Yet Aquanewb just throws that out there like it's the most profound wisdom ever, and then Clark and Bruce just make emo faces and think emo thoughts about it like it's the most profound wisdom ever. It's a harmful and paranoid attitude borne out of the imperfections of the world, for them to constantly look over their shoulders at him. It's practically Marvel.
Yes, I understand that people might need to have a way to take him down, just in case he...I dunno, goes crazy or whatever...but I don't see what that has to do with a chunk of Kryptonite lying on the bottom of the sea. I further don't see what that has to do with Aquanewb's original objections about them...harming the dead city it fused to or whatever. And the way that A-newb put it was just really weird, like "How DARE YOU want us to want you to help us easier!!? The auDAcity!! You inhuman *****ebag!!!!!111"
Well at least Hiro's still awesome.
(6.7 out of 10)