How do you break up with someone who...

[Killswitch]

...acts like you're the only thing stopping them from falling into an abyss of depression?

I mean someone who cries at the THOUGHT of breaking up, says "I don't know what I'd do without you," and asks to hear the words "I love you," 7 times a day. ("Do you love me? Really? etc.) Someone insecure who asks to be held all the time, holds endless discussions about their problems and how you're the only person who understands them....

PLus, - it gets worse -- you've been living together for 8 months, and you would feel bad kicking them out on the street.

What do you do??

 

[Immortalfire]

Ahw..one of "those" types.

 

[Kyalesyin]

Its a toughie. If you weren't living together I'd say just very gently start cutting off contact, but its more difficult when you're with them...

Is it your place or theirs? If its theirs, I'd say just drop the bomb as 'I need some space. I'll come back though- once I've had time to think', move either in with your parents or somewhere else and then keep telling them 'tomorrow' when they ask you to come back. Harsh, but with someone clingy anything is gonna be harsh.

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

You dump them.

They either see that life goes on, yes, even without "you"...or, they're plunged into an abyss of depression and self-destruction.

You can't stay with someone just to try and rehabilitate them, or because they're holding you hostage with the threat of suicide or whatever.

Her life is her responsibility, not her boyfriend's.



I will add that I've had girlfriends like that and friends of mine have as well, and in every case the girl eventually went on to grow up and was fine.

This one friend years ago, his grlfrnd one night after he said he wanted to end it, punched a glass window so hard that it broke and cut her hand ( ) and we went to take her to the ER and she was sobbing with the snot running down her nose pleading, "Will*sob*You come to my*sob* FUneral?!? *wail*"
Pathetic.


She is doing very well now.

 

[Erzengel]

Wil said everything I was going to but let me add.

In the end, do you want to jeopardize your happiness only to keep her happy?

Dump her. She will get over it.

 

[Kyalesyin]

You dump them.

They either see that life goes on, yes, even without "you"...or, they're plunged into an abyss of depression and self-destruction.

You can't stay with someone just to try and rehabilitate them, or because they're holding you hostage with the threat of suicide or whatever.

Her life is her responsibility, not her boyfriends.



I will add that I've had girlfriends like that and friends of mine have as well, and in every case the girl eventually went on to grow up and was fine.

This one friend years ago, his grlfrnd one night after he said he wanted to end it, punched a glass window so hard that it broke and cut her hand ( ) and we went to take her to the ER and she was sobbing with the snot running down her nose pleading, "Will*sob*You come to my*sob* FUneral?!? *wail*"
Pathetic.


She is doing very well now.

Sounds like my first and second girlfriends. WS is right- If they're that clingy, the only thing you can do is walk away, because no ammount of help from you will make any difference. Found that out the hard way.

 

[jaguarr]

You've got a classic case of hardcore co-dependency on your hands (from both you and your girlfriend, actually). Not an easy one to handle. Some links of interest for you:

http://www.adviceweekly.com/2005/01/how-to-break-up-with-your-girlfriend.html

http://www.toddlertime.com/interest/co-dependence.htm

http://www.joy2meu.com/Relationship.html

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/columns/datingtips/breakupforgood.html

In the end, you're ultimately going to have to stop owning her reactions and feelings and make her take responsibility for them and, if you truly want to end it, end it and move on no matter how hard she makes it for you.

jag

 

[Erzengel]

About her living with you? I'm sure she can move in back with her parents.

 

[Doug Henning]

Sounds like my first and second girlfriends. WS is right- If they're that clingy, the only thing you can do is walk away, because no ammount of help from you will make any difference. Found that out the hard way.

It reminds me of my dentist thing.
I needed a root canal, the pain became cosmic and inexpressable.
I stayed in 24/7 misery and horror for like 2 weeks, 'cause I couldn't bring myself to go and confront my overriding fear of THE DENTIST!!!11

Finally it got so bad that I either had to go to the dentist or shoot myself in the head.
So I went...it was over in a flash and almost 100% painless...and the pain was over. So I'd been in agony for all that time for no reason.


A girl/dude like this...their fear is "a life without you"...that they'll never be able to find a happiness that could rival the happiness they've known with "you".
So they're sitting there in prolonged misery because of this foundless fear, so focused on the dread of being alone that it's all that fills their vision.


In many cases, if you force them to "go to the dentist", they end up surprised at how much better things become.
But, even if they go nutball...what are you supposed to do? Staying isn't an option, and they'd be just as miserable knowing that you aren't emotionally "present" and enthusiastic about having them in your life.


But I don't know, if you're asking about the "how", it may help to honestly list the reasons for your dissatisfaction and gently remind her of how, especially from the outside, obviously unhealthy her attitude toward the relationship is....how she's using it to fulfill a need that relationships are not meant to (and can't) fulfill.

But I doubt it.
Really though, you get with someone because you're ATTRACTED to them and you stay with them because you're compatible and overall, being together makes you happy.
If asked, could she honestly say that she'd say her behaviour is "attractive"?...that SHE'D be attracted to someone who acted towards her as she's acting toward you?
...or that you're compatible and have a lot of potential for future happiness...when one of you honestly wants to end it?

If she says "yes" she's CUckoo! CUckoo! or lying.

 

[jaguarr]

It reminds me of my dentist thing.
I needed a root canal, the pain became cosmic and inexpressable.
I stayed in 24/7 misery and horror for like 2 weeks, 'cause I couldn't bring myself to go and confront my overriding fear of THE DENTIST!!!11

Finally it got so bad that I either had to go to the dentist or shoot myself in the head.
So I went...it was over in a flash and almost 100% painless...and the pain was over. So I'd been in agony for all that time for no reason.


A girl/dude like this...their fear is "a life without you"...that they'll never be able to find a happiness that could rival the happiness they've known with "you".
So they're sitting there in prolonged misery because of this foundless fear, so focused on the dread of being alone that it's all that fills their vision.


In many cases, if you force them to "go to the dentist", they end up surprised at how much better things become.
But, even if they go nutball...what are you supposed to do? Staying isn't an option, and they'd be just as miserable knowing that you aren't emotionally "present" and enthusiastic about having them in your life.


But I don't know, if you're asking about the "how", it may help to honestly list the reasons for your dissatisfaction and gently remind her of how, especially from the outside, obviously unhealthy her attitude toward the relationship is....how she's using it to fulfill a need that relationships are not meant to (and can't) fulfill.

But I doubt it.
Really though, you get with someone because you're ATTRACTED to them and you stay with them because you're compatible and overall, being together makes you happy.
If asked, could she honestly say that she'd say her behaviour is "attractive"?...that SHE'D be attracted to someone who acted towards her as she's acting toward you?
...or that you're compatible and have a lot of potential for future happiness...when one of you honestly wants to end it?

If she says "yes" she's CUckoo! CUckoo! or lying.

So you're saying he should stab her while she's sleeping because it's the humane thing to do. Got it.

jag

 

[Doug Henning]

So you're saying he should stab her while she's sleeping because it's the humane thing to do. Got it.

jag

Well if he loves her...
Though, in sparing her the pain of reality, the cold prospect of a solitary life, which would most likely necessitate a turn to prostitution, and later, a turn to hard drugs, to soothe the resulting pain/shame...I'd suggest that a more caring method would be to smother her with a lilac-scented pillow......a lacy pillow.

 

[jaguarr]

Well if he loves her...
Though, in sparing her the pain of reality, the cold prospect of a solitary life, which would most likely necessitate a turn to prostitution, and later, a turn to hard drugs, to soothe the resulting pain/shame...I'd suggest that a more caring method would be to smother her with a lilac-scented pillow......a lacy pillow.

While we discuss this, would you care for something to drink? Never mind that it smells like almonds.

jag

 

[JStorm]

Change your name, address, email address, phone number(s), and get plastic surgery.

Oh, and don't forget to runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

 

[Erzengel]

It reminds me of my dentist thing.
I needed a root canal, the pain became cosmic and inexpressable.
I stayed in 24/7 misery and horror for like 2 weeks, 'cause I couldn't bring myself to go and confront my overriding fear of THE DENTIST!!!11

Finally it got so bad that I either had to go to the dentist or shoot myself in the head.
So I went...it was over in a flash and almost 100% painless...and the pain was over. So I'd been in agony for all that time for no reason.


A girl/dude like this...their fear is "a life without you"...that they'll never be able to find a happiness that could rival the happiness they've known with "you".
So they're sitting there in prolonged misery because of this foundless fear, so focused on the dread of being alone that it's all that fills their vision.


In many cases, if you force them to "go to the dentist", they end up surprised at how much better things become.
But, even if they go nutball...what are you supposed to do? Staying isn't an option, and they'd be just as miserable knowing that you aren't emotionally "present" and enthusiastic about having them in your life.


But I don't know, if you're asking about the "how", it may help to honestly list the reasons for your dissatisfaction and gently remind her of how, especially from the outside, obviously unhealthy her attitude toward the relationship is....how she's using it to fulfill a need that relationships are not meant to (and can't) fulfill.

But I doubt it.
Really though, you get with someone because you're ATTRACTED to them and you stay with them because you're compatible and overall, being together makes you happy.
If asked, could she honestly say that she'd say her behaviour is "attractive"?...that SHE'D be attracted to someone who acted towards her as she's acting toward you?
...or that you're compatible and have a lot of potential for future happiness...when one of you honestly wants to end it?

If she says "yes" she's CUckoo! CUckoo! or lying.

That's a long way to go for an analogy.

 

[Selene]

I think if you respect and care for someone though no longer in love, the best thing to do is put yourself into her shoes, it is going to feel very bad when you tell her its over.
But it has to be done cuz as others have stated you still need to live your own life and find the one you were meant to be with.
I suggest ripping it off like a bandaid with gentle care afterwards.
Get the initial shock out of the way so you can both learn to move on.
If she can't get pass it after that, its not your problem anymore, she will have to learn how to deal with it.

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

I suggest ripping it off like a bandaid with gentle care afterwards.

Well, if by "afterwards" you mean right afterwards, like a nice "Wish Ya Well, sorry blawblawblaw."
So'Nuff cain't play any kind of nice caregiver role as a "still friends" with these types.

 

[Selene]

Well, if by "afterwards" you mean right afterwards, like a nice "Wish Ya Well, sorry blawblawblaw."
So'Nuff cain't play any kind of nice caregiver role as a "still friends" with these types.

Sorry what I meant is don't dance around the issue or take along time to tell the person its over, do it in one fast "rip" meaning bandaid. Then be gentle afterwards and talk it over as to why you feel the need to no longer be togather.

 

[Darthphere]

...acts like you're the only thing stopping them from falling into an abyss of depression?

I mean someone who cries at the THOUGHT of breaking up, says "I don't know what I'd do without you," and asks to hear the words "I love you," 7 times a day. ("Do you love me? Really? etc.) Someone insecure who asks to be held all the time, holds endless discussions about their problems and how you're the only person who understands them....

PLus, - it gets worse -- you've been living together for 8 months, and you would feel bad kicking them out on the street.

What do you do??

Kill her.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

I will add that I've had girlfriends like that and friends of mine have as well, and in every case the girl eventually went on to grow up and was fine.

all people do.
well, most people.

 

[JStorm]

Sorry what I meant is don't dance around the issue or take along time to tell the person its over, do it in one fast "rip" meaning bandaid. Then be gentle afterwards and talk it over as to why you feel the need to no longer be togather.

Dane Cook: "We're.. we're ****ing over aren't we? Alright, good times. You go this way; I'll go that way."

What he said after that was priceless, yet true. (Paraphrased) "What do we do? We stay in the relationship for six or seven years and end it.. violently!"

 

[Mr Sparkle]

Finally it got so bad that I either had to go to the dentist or shoot myself in the head.

out there is a universe where you DIDN'T go to the dentist.
and we're all the better for it.

 

[Darthphere]

Really, if I end up in this situation ever, I want Erz to shoot my balls off.

 

[Erzengel]

I'd do it for lesser reasons.

 

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Sorry what I meant is don't dance around the issue or take along time to tell the person its over, do it in one fast "rip" meaning bandaid. Then be gentle afterwards and talk it over as to why you feel the need to no longer be togather.

Heh, man...I had to do that with this one chick, she was supernice and smart and I really liked her but it was not happening in bed.
And I felt so truly horrible to see how hurt she was ('cause I really did like her), that I couldn't bring myself to leave her apartment and I felt like saying "You know what? I don't want to continue the relationship, but, maybe we should still have sex and I'll sleep over and we'll go to breakfast and dinner and movies and coffee and go on walks and hang out and take showers together and watch TV and talk and call eachother.....would you like that? "

lol

 

[blind_fury]

Demand she preform the most sexually depraved act. She will either break up with you on the spot or agree to do the kinky sex.

win-win situation.