Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Fan Fiction & Films' started by Swordmaster, Dec 2, 2005.
You got to hit me with a mop handle.That should've been your first clue.
WHere do I come in?
You're the PE Teacher.
Chapter 3: Reunion
Dante and MB walk into the courtyard, where they see a young man, again 14-
*Why is everyone 14?*
Shut up. Anyway. The 14 year old is getting the S**T beat outta him. He's tall, has brown hair, and wearing a shirt portraying Tom Cruise in meat. This is THE LAST MEATBAG.
Dante: Hey look. It's Meatbag. Getting the s**t beat outta him. Again.
MB: *INsert witty CT reference* Guess he's still not cool in school, eh?
Dante:...Never...and I mean NEVER...say that again.
MB and Dante watch, fascinated, as Meatbag is being punched in the face, kicked in the balls, and sharted on. Suddenly, a loud, somewhat metallic voice rings through the yard.
Voice: Avast, me mateys!
Another 14 year old jumps out, in ful pirate garb.
Flexo: Yar. What's we doing?
MB:Watching Meatbag get beat up.
Flexo: Cool yar.
The 3 watch, when suddenly, all the people beating Meatbag leave, for no reason. His once blue jeans are now brown, as they are covered in crap.
MB: Should we help him?
Dante: I guess. The show was just getting good. They left. Why?
MB: Dramatic Purposes.
MB picks Meatbag up. Then points and laughs.
MB: Bwahahahahaha you got covered in s**t!
Everyone joins in. Then stops. For no reason.
Meatbag: So....where's DL?
The four look at each other.
Meatbag: I should have known.
The four freshman walk into the boys bathroom, where a senior, who is wearing white wool and has a black nose and long ears...is drinking out of the toilet.
Flexo: Dog Lips.
Dog Lips looks up, barks, and goes back to drinking.
MB: Dog Lips
He barks again.
Dante: DOG LIPS!
He finally stops.
DL: Oh. It's you four. Welcome to High School.
DL: Youse guys get your schuedules yet?
Flexo: Argh. No.
DL: Right. You have to go to the assembly first. The one where you get sodomized.
Meatbag screams like a little girl and runs away.
DL: Knew that would get him out of he-*sniff* You smell that?
Snipershot falls out of the ceiling, covered in dust.
DL: Aw s**t.
Snipershot: Hi guys.
Dante, MB, Flexo, and DL look at each other.
DL: Should we?
The four lift up Snipershot, put his head in the toilet, flush, then bang the top repeatedly over his head until his body goes limp.
Dante: Oh my god! We've killed Snipershot!
MB: We haven't even started first period yet and we've killed someone!
Flexo: Argh what do we do mateys yar?
DL: Back away...very...slowly...
The four back out of the bathroom slowly, then run away.
Oohh...so I'm in this?
It's pretty funny. Can I be in it.
Dante,Flexo,Master Bruce,Dog Lips,And The Last Meatbag walk down the main halls.Snipershot follows,dragging a bag of salami,for no real reason.
MB: Didn't we kill him?
MB: Well...Does He HAVE to follow us?
Dante: I've tried to get rid of him.
Dante: Look,I'm a busy man.I gots things to do and places to be.Do you really think I have time to try and get rid of that dips***?
MB: ...Remind me to never ask you a question ever again.
Flexo: Arrrgh...Shiver me timbers!
MB,DL,Dante,And Meatbag look at Flexo,strangely.
DL: Are you high,or something?
Flexo points forward.The others look in the direction he's pointing towards.In the middle of the hallway,stands a large statue...Portraying actor Matt Damon.
Dante: MATT DAMON!
MB: ...Ben Affleck's buddy?
DL: They can have actors as school mascots?
Dante: MATT DAMON!
MB: Yes,We know.
Dante: MATT DA-
MB takes off his belt,whacks Dante across the face,and puts it back on.
Dante: Jesus,man...That f***ing hurt!
MB: You deserved it.
DL: Hey guys,look over there!
The others look in the direction that DL's pointing towards.They see Snipershot bathing in the salami bits.
MB: ...I...think we all could've lived without seeing that.
DL: What?NO!Not that!Over there!
They all look to the right of Snipershot.A banner hangs over the stairway,reading "SCHOOL ASSEMBLY TODAY.BE THERE.OR DIE! Payed for by the P.Diddy 'Go To The Assembly Or Die' Campaign.".
MB: Hmm....A school assembly at the beginning of the year,where most,if not all,of the characters will be there.
MB: I smell plot device.
Dante: ...Or,your just crazy.
MB: Or both.
Dante: Well...Let's just say it isn't,cause we all know you're crazy.
All of the sudden,MB grabs Meatbag by the throat,and slams him into a wall.
MB: YOU BASTARD!!!YOU ******* BASTARD!!!
Meatbag: Ahh! Ahh!
Dante: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Dante: Let him go!
MB drops Meatbag.
DL: What the hell,man?!?
Dante looks at Meatbags shirt.It is of Tom Cruise,as portrayed in meat.
Dante: Well,that clears everything up.
MB: YOU ****ING PIECE OF ****!I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!
MB rips off Meatbag's shirt,and starts shredding it to pieces.
MB: HAHAHA!!!TAKE THAT,CRUISE!!!HAHAHAHA!!!
DL: *licks himself*
MB eventually calms down.
Dante: *checks watch* When does the damned thing start?
DL: *Still licking himself* Oh.That. Now.
Out of nowhere,P.Diddy comes in,and starts shooting everything in sight.Everyone ducks.
P.Diddy: TO THE GYM,************S,TO THE GYM!
P.Diddy then leaves on a gold plated motor scooter,shooting wildly into the air.Everyone gets up.A few students drop to the floor,dead.Nobody really cares,though.
Dante: Holy S***!We've gotta get to the gym!
MB: ...We heard him the first time,dumbass.
Everyone starts running,except for Snipershot,who just stands...oblivious to everything....and covered in salami.
Snipershot: teh goatseez!!!1
let me guess, im going to be the evil ***** character, or the ****ty mc**** ****.
Yoda:"You will be.You...will...be..."
Well, I've read it now. I like the concept -- the whole high school thing -- and I really like the whole dialogue-laden style you guys seem to have. It really makes the story fun to read and moves much faster than the traditional writing style...which is quite good for people like me who aren't really into reading fanfics.
What I didn't like too much however was the dialogue itself. The jokes seemed to be attempted a bit too often and were just a bit too forced. The dialogue in general seemed a bit too forced and fake -- this is a problem I have myself -- I suggest instead of trying to write a "cool" comeback or retort to a piece of dialogue, simply write it as real as you possibly can. Have a normal convo on YIM and take dialogue from that -- stuff like that. Stuff that both feels natural, and feels like the people themselves. Dante, MB, whatever. Then insert some jokes here and there, so clever comebacks, etc. Though, I'll say, the last chapter's dialogue was solid.
I'll take your advice with seriousness and heavy consideration when writing my half of the chapters from now on.
...Dante won't.But I will.
You'll just suck it up.
Dante is beyond help.
I'll do my best. Not sure if I'll succeed, but I'll try.
MB: Yoda: There is no try. There is only do.
Not. In it. Yet.
when am i back?
Yoda: *****slaps MB* Do or do not, there is no try.
You'll be in it though. You have a scene with FG
what type on scene?