I made a co-worker cry today...

Today was "hey, let's go grab lunch at Hooters" day for a few of my office mates and I. It's a day I look forward to because I loooove... hot wings. Well, you get a bunch of grown children who are mostly married with kids together and the conversation naturally gravitates towards the intellectually stimulating women who are serving us our delicious wings. Our server is particularly pretty today and one of the newer office zombies makes a remark about wanting to vacuum her carpet... he then makes the most atrocious lip freaked face I've ever seen and we laugh, because laughing at something so stupid amongst men is the only socially acceptable thing to do.

One of us doesn't laugh though.

The fellow directly across from me is a 37 year old man who, per his claim, has never gone down on a woman and will never do something so disgusting as to put his lips or mouth where it doesn't belong. He looked visibly disgusted when the new guy revealed to us his asipirations for wanting to be a carpet cleaner. It boggled us and we of course asked him the gamut of standard guy questions:

"Are you serious??"
"You have never??"
"Has anybody ever done it for you?"
"Then why wouldn't you return the favor?!?"

There were more, but I was too dumbfounded by his disgust about even touching a woman's area with anything but "what God had intended us to touch a woman's area with"... his words... I remembered that quote. This really irritated me for some reason...

... when I get irritated, troubling things come to my mind sometimes.

Me, "Hey *Bobert* (name has been changed to protect the stupid), so you wouldn't even touch a woman down there with anything except your penis?"

Bobert, "That's a disgusting way of putting it but yes".

Me, "Let me ask you something... when you were born, did your mother have a cesarean section?"

Bobert, "Ummm... no."

Me, "So your mother had a normal delivery..."

Bobert, "Yes... I guess"

Me, "Throoouuuugh... her vagina..."

Bobert, "... "

Me, "You passed through it brah... head, fingers, toes, lips and everything... technically, you touched it."

Bobert, turning red, "... "


At that point, he stepped out "for a smoke" and we sat in awkward silence for a few seconds before laughing in unison. Our server asked us what was so funny, so we told her and she told us we were disgusting but her mouth was wide open when she said it so I took it in a good way.

We looked at the area outside the window where he was standing and Bobert was wiping his eyes while smoking and we all looked at each other with the same thought... "DUDE! He's CRYING!"

... no words were said... just shaking of heads...

Now I'm back at work and I don't think I want to go to lunch with Bobert anymore.

I think I'll start packing a bag lunch.

 

I don't have to worry about repurcussions as to what some of you are talking about. It's a mixed military/civilian environment here but "Bobert" is military... single divorced guy... same boat as me and is usually the butt of the joke. He is used to it but today was a fairly revealing day... even for "Bobert". We would never talk about such things with civilians around unless we really knew them. Bobert knows my sense of humor and I'm sure we will be having lunch tomorrow as well... I was exaggerating when I said I would be bag lunching it from now on. In fact, he just stopped by my cubicle a little while ago talking about where we both want to get stationed after here. No harm, no foul...


... except for some foulness.

 

By the way, Bobert's "ideal woman" is a redhaired Jewish virgin woman who is at least 5'10". He's waiting for her and refuses to let us take him to a strip club because it will tarnish his vision of his ginger Jew virgin. Plus he says he respects women too much to go to a strip club... he will tell the strippers "you are too good for this". I'm waiting for the night he will let us get him drunk... because that's when it's going down.