Jaws: The Hype Beach Massacre

[Flexo]

Jeez, Pharoah Lee (Newly Promoted) is really moving up in the world.

That's fire.

 

[Batman]

Many Hours Later, Divided By Many, With An Addition Of Twenty Minutes Or So... On The Boardwalk...

A large, bloody mouth is opened by a harpoon. Slime drips out of it as the aroma of fish and something from Oprah Winfrey's toliet spreads throughout the place, making many people gag. ...Then, everyone turns their attention away from Rosie O'Donnel, to see that one of the fisherman caught a shark.

DOG LIPS, Master Bruce, and Witch Doctor's Assistant Lee(Newly Promoted) walk over to the shark. DL smiles, looking at it. He then takes one of the fisherman's hands, and shakes it, excitedly.

DL: "Well done! WELL DONE!!!"

Fisherman: "Get your sweaty hands off me, ya pervert! I didn't even do anything!"

The fisherman walks away, cursing in Russian, for some reason. DL turns, looking at the shark as it's hoisted by it's anus.

DL: "Dante Spardaz catch this?"

The Demon's Head: "Nope. I did. Spardaz was off masterbating somewhere, with his nite lite."

DL shakes his hand, smiling. In the background, MB thoroughly examines the shark's mouth. And it's nipples.

DL: "Well congratulations! Now we can all get hammered and forget all this **** ever happened!"

The fishermen behind him contemplate what kind of shark they've caught is.

boyscouT: "I say it's a minnow!"

ShadowBoxing: "You dumbass! A minnow isn't even a shark species!"

boyscouT: "...Yeah. But I got a feeling it's a minnow!"

ShadowBoxing: "..."

"It could be anything! Anything, I tells ya! Anything at all!"

MB: "...Actually, it's a Horse Shark."

"..."

"...A what?"

MB: "I said it's a Tiger Shark. You deaf?"

Morg: "Yeah. "

Back at the Shark, DL, Supreme Witch Doctor Lee(Newly promoted) and the locals pose for a picture.

Photographer: "Alright, now could we get someone to stand underneath the shark's mouth?"

Lee: "Oiy! I'll do it! Fish n' chips!"

Photographer: "...What the **** did he just say?"

Lee walks over to the Shark. DL watches in horror.

DL: "..Lee... that's not it's head. LEE!! You're an officer of the law, for godsakes!!!"

Photographer: "...Er...maybe we should just take the picture over here..."

Lee: *muffled* "Oi!"

As the photographer takes the picture, and everyone begins shaking hands again, MB pulls DL aside.

MB: "We have a serious problem, here."

DL: "What? Fat chick nudity has been legalised?"

MB: "No, worse. George Takei is gay."

DL: "...Huh?"

MB: "I said this may not be the right Shark."

DL: "I could've sworn..."

MB: "Would you shut up and listen? Look, sure, this is a shark. And a fine specimen at that."

DL: "Yes, and it's our shark. End of story."

MB: "It is not, you fat sack of crap."

DL: "I'm not fat! I'm just big furred! What's your excuse, Roman Polanski?"

Roman Polanski: ""

MB: "Look, I'm not saying this is the shark... It probably is! It probably is! I mean, it's extremely rare to these waters, it's a man eater, and it's a scientologist."

Shark: "Down with psychologists!"

MB: "But the fact remains that the bite radius on this animal did not, infact, match the size of Katie Holmes' head radius."

DL: "What?"

MB: "I said wounds on the victim. Damn it man, get your head out of your ass and listen to me!"

DL: "So, basically, this isn't it?"

MB: "I'm not sure. It could be. It could very well be. But at the same time, it couldn't be."

DL: "Boy, you're confusing the hell out of me. Is it or isn't it?"

MB: "I don't know!"

DL: "Damn you! What do I pay you for?"

MB: "You don't pay me at all."

DL: "Wanna get payed?"

MB: "Sure."

DL hands MB a fifty dollar bill. Then, He snatches it and puts it back into his pocket.

DL: "That's for not knowing this stuff, you weenis. "

MB: "Look, there's an easy way of telling. The digestive system in this animal is very slow, and whatever it's eaten within the last twenty four hours is bound to still be in there. So what I propose is simple."

DL: "We perform an autopsy?"

MB: "Nope. We perform an oral exam."

DL: "..."

DL: "There's no way in hell you're getting me to stick my hand up that creature's ass."

MB: "I said an autopsy. What the hell are you talking about?"

DL: "No, you said an oral exam!"

MB: "Look, pal, I'd rather not know what you do with animals like these in your spare time. We're performing brain surgery on this thing, and that's final!"

Behind them, Mayor Dew appears, having overheard the entire conversation. And behind Mayor Dew is Lee, doing unexplainable things to the shark.

Mayor Dew: "Now gentlemen, let's be reasonable here... We are not about to cut open a goddamned fish. Now I came here to congratulate someone on killing a predator who has threatened our lands, and then sleep with him as a reward due to the lack of money we'll end up paying him. I'm not going to stand here and watch that little Flass boy spill out all over the dock. You got me?"

MB: "...No."

Dew: "..."

DL: "He means yes."

MB: "Of course I mean yes. That's what I said, wasn't it?"

All of the sudden, a woman could be seen coming behind DL. The three turned, to see Flass' mom, decked out in a funeral dress. She looked up at DL, painfully.

Flass' mom: "Chief?"

DL: "Yes?"

SLAP!!!!

DL: "What the hell was that for???"

FM: "I had a bug on my hand and I used your face to kill it, bwa!"

DL: "WTF???"

Flass' mom walks away, crying at the loss of her son. Even though she didn't mention it. Dew watches her leave, before turning to DL.

Dew: "She's wrong, you know."

DL: "About what?"

Dew: "You don't make a good fly swatter."

DL: "................"

DL turns towards the direction of Flass' mom, and yells...

DL: "I'm sorry you lost your son!!"

FM (Walking away) "I'm not! Party at my house, b****es!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Flexo]

 

[Batman]

 

[DOG LIPS]

Batman and Robin give that entry four nipples up.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

Batman and Robin give that entry four nipples up.

Lmao,ew thats disturbing.

 

[Batman]

Lmao,ew thats disturbing.

I know.




Kilmer's Lips.

 

[DOG LIPS]

Lmao,ew thats disturbing.

That's MB's desktop.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

I know.




Kilmer's Lips.

Bale's better.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

That's MB's desktop.

*Goes to throw up.*

 

[Batman]

Bale's better.

Mine are even better.

...

Okay, that was a blatant lie.

 

[Batman]

That's MB's desktop.

You think that's bad? You should see Sava's.
I didn't know the Hulk was that flexible.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

Mine are even better.

...

Okay, that was a blatant lie.

The most enjoyable part for you of your Batman pics is seeing Katie in them.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

Bye,everyone. Going to bed. See y'all tomorrow.

 

[DOG LIPS]

See ya, Sml.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

Bye bye DL. Sweet dreams. Look at HZA. I wrote back to you.
Nighty night MB.

 

[Batman]

Bye bye DL. Sweet dreams. Look at HZA. I wrote back to you.
Nighty night MB.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

im gonna write a chapter

 

[DOG LIPS]

DL's crib..... exactly 500 hours later, minus 450 hours, plus 20, minus 50 hours, divided by 2, minus 3 hours and 14 minutes..........


DL sat in his kitchen, cleaning his pistol and every now and then dry clicking it at his son.

DL: "Come here and give me a hug."

DL JR.: "Why?"

DL :"Cause I'll kill your face if you don't!"

DL JR. ran over and hugged him then stood back in terror.

DL: "Go on, getta outta here." (Laughs lightly)

DL JR. ran for his life out of the kitchen and through the house, running by his mom in the living room and crying like a weenis. Godzilla2000 looked up to see a greasy looking man standing in the den looking around.

Godzilla2000: "Can I help you??"

MB: "Hello, the door was open, mind if I come in? I'm Master Bruce."

G2K looked past him and saw the front door wide open, the frame was hanging off and it looked like it had been kicked in.

G2K: "Oh the fish guy! I'm DL's weekend wife."

MB: "...W-Who told you that? I got that cleared up, I'm clean now, and... oh! OH! You mean fish as in my job! Yeah, hi! Is your husband home?"

G2K: "Yes, he is."

MB: "I'd really like to talk to him."

G2K: "I don't."

MB: "....OK."

G2K: "Would you like something to drink? Coffee? Soda?"

MB: "No, no thank you, I brought guano-flavored wine."

G2K: "......How nice...."

MB threw the bottle at G2K and she barely caught it, then walked away cursing him. DL was sitting at the kitchen table, 17 empty beer bottles all around him, still cleaning his gun.

MB: "You drink away your problems, too?"

DL: "I don't drink, but my new baby is a beer ****e. It's the only way to shut that fat **** up."

MB: "..........."

MB looked down and saw a half-eaten sammich in front of DL. DL lifted it and took another bite, then put it down.

MB: "Is anyone eating this?"

MB grabbed the sammich and stuffed it into his face, sending ham into his eyes and all over his chin.

G2K: "....I guess you are."

G2K: "My husband tells me you're in sharks?"

MB: "I've never heard it that way but yes, mouth holes, butt holes, ear holes, butt holes. I LOVE sharks."

DL: "You LOVE sharks?"

MB: "Yes LOVE them. When I was twelve years old my father got me this boat. And I went fishing off of cape crotch, and I hooked a blow fish, and as I was reeling it in I hooked a one and a half foot baby thrasher shark. Who proceeded to eat my boat. Heh, heh, he ate my uh, oar hooks and uh my car seat cushions, he turned an inboard into an outboard scared me to death and I swam back to shore. And when I was on the beach, I turned around I actually saw my boat being taken apart and it flicked me off, ever since then I, yes, I have been studying sharks and their tight buns, and that's why I know that I'm gonna go to the institute tomorrow and tell them you still have a shark problem here."

DL: "Why would you tell them that, sweet nipps? They caught the shark."

MB: "They caught A shark, not THE shark. Not the one that killed that girl, and probably not the one that ate that fat kid's fatty fat fat ass. You know, you're going to be the only psycho here once I leave?"

DL: "Leave? Where you going?"

MB: "The Anusora. It's a cruise ship, I won a place on the new Road Rules: At Sea season 2. I'm going to be the gay character."

DL: "Well, then let's go cut open that shark as a going away present."

G2K: "Can you do that?"

DL: "I can do anything!!! I'm the ****ing CHIEF!! B****!!"

DL loaded his gun quickly and shot up the wall behind her. She ran out and MB looked terrified.

DL: "Women.... can't live with em', can't shoot em' in the face. ....Or can you?"

MB: "....No..... you can't."

DL: "Spoil sport."

 

[Flexo]

No time later, since reality is merely a fallacy ultimologically possessed only in the imagination. And my watch is broken.

Chief Dog Lips and Inspector Master Bruce slid stealthily along, sneaking to the docks were the big-ass shark was held.

DL: "Duh dun.... duh dud do da daaaa ba bad baddiddadohaAAAAAAAAAAA! DA!"

MB: "What the **** are you doing?"

DL: "Jesus Crist almighty, don't be a weenis. It's the official Jaws Hype Beach Massacre theme song. Now sing along, or I'll shoot you in the ace hole."

MB: "Bibba babba die da fo di da la too meee to ma ka! "

DL: "You're off-tone."

MB: " "

Finally, they arrived at their destination. They cut the shark down, and prepared to inspect the intestines.

DL: "Oright than, let's cut some shark basteed. Wait... what the **** are you doing man?!"

MB was touching the shark's, shall we say, dorsal fin? A faint noise was heard, causing both men to become alert.

Captian Picard Kirk Spock Lee (Newly promoted): "KEEP IT DOWN YOU *****! CAN'T YOU SEE SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO NAP! Oi!"

Grand Admiral Lee (Newly promoted) then retreated back to his pile of fish heads and went back to sleep. MB took the awkward pause to start touching the shark again.

MB: "I'm trying to massage the shark. Y'know, loosen it up. Me have fun long time."

DL: " I will shoot you in your ****ing wife stealing face, mutha ****er."

MB: "What?"

DL: "What?"

MB: "I'm bringing the shark down so we can cut it open."

DL: "How 'bout them Nicks?"

After the shark was finally down and open, the men began the process of emptying the shark's over-crammed gullet. Inside they found hundreds of objects tossed into the sea by angry people with decent taste. They pulled out parachute pants, Git-R-Done t-shirts, Urkel, Jimmy Hoffa, Bill Clinton's biography, the soundtrack for Hewy Lewis and the News, pink jolly ranchers, and every DVD ever made of Star Wars Episode 3.

DL knew it was all junk and worthless, so he immediatly started the pier on fire to destroy the evidence. Unfortunatly he also started MB on fire, too, but nobody seemed to notice.

DL: "Damnit Smith, now we have to find the real 500 foot killer robot."

MB (Still on fire): "You mean shark, right?"

DL: "Shut your pie hole, bwa."

MB:

DL:

MB:

DL: "I can't stay mad at you. Let's get some Taco Johns."

MB:

 

[Batman]

Hours, Minutes... Whatever You Generally Prefer, Mutliplied and Divided by Eight...Later, On The Bat-Boat...

Robin: "Holy Unessacary Cameos, Batman!"

Batman: "Oh go **** yourself, O'Donnel."

On another boat, nearby...

DL and MB feast upon Taco John's delicious quesidillas. MB turns to DL, with Bueno sauce on his upper lip.

MB: "What the hell is 'Taco Johns', anyway? Why couldn't we have used more mainstream Mexican restraunt? Like Taco Bell? Or... Uh..."

MB thinks for a moment.

MB: "...Taco Bell?"

DL: "Because you're a weenis."

MB: "Whroe. "

DL: "Leee. "

MB: "...You do realise no one else will get this, right?"

DL: "Shut it, nipple nope. "

MB: " "

DL looks out at the water.

DL: "AHHH!!! AHHHH!!! I JUST REMEMBERED I'M AFRAID OF THE WATER!!!"

MB: "...Why?"

DL: "Hell if I know."

MB: "Don't you wanna know where we are?"

DL: "I don't know. Do I?"

MB: "Avast, We be settin' sail at dawn, Matey!"

DL: "..."

DL: "...the hell did you just say?"

MB: "I said we're right in the stretch where he's feeding. Jesus Christ, does everyone on this island need their hearing checked?"

DL turns to a fancy high-tech monitor, with DVD capabilites. Even though this takes place many years before DVD is invented.

DL: "Hey, you get the nudie channel on here?"

MB: "Stop looking at that! That's the feed to the camera I have in Katie Holmes' shower!"

DL: "..."

DL: "*looks harder*"

DL: "OH DEAR GOD! TOM'S IN THERE!"

MB: "That's... That's not Tom. It's worse. That's John Travolta!"

DL: "..."

DL: "How do you afford all this stuff, anyway?"

MB: "I inherited it after my parents were slain infront of me by a mugger, and I vowed to avenge the evil that took their lives."

DL: "You serious?"

MB: "Hell no. I won it in a game show."

DL: "And you keep getting payed?"

MB: "Yeah."

DL: "So the goverment pays you to watch Sharks?"

MB: "They pay me to watch Sharks. I use it to watch... Well, you know who."

DL looks down at one of the bags on the boat. It's filled with snapshots of Katie Holmes. DL looks back at MB.

DL: "You beeft lef."

MB: "...."

Suddenly, one of the machines starts beeping. MB smashes it with a bat.

DL: "What was that thing?"

MB: "The alarm clock. I forgot to turn it off, this morning."

Another beep errupts from another machine. MB also smashes that with a bat.

DL: "An alarm clock?"

MB: "No. The Microwave."

Another beep errupts from yet another . MB smashes it with the bat, like the others.

DL: "I'm guessing you didn't need that."

MB: "..."

MB: "...Oh...Oh s***. That was the fish finder."

DL: " "

DL: "You mean that thing is here?!"

MB: "Nah, it could be anything. A school of macoral. A school of macreil. A school of macaroni and cheese. Or even Kate Moss."

DL: "So where did it come from?"

MB: "About three miles from Uranus."

DL: "The planet?"

MB: "No, your butthole."

DL: "...WTF?"

Their boat arrives next to a red boat, with girly flowers and pink stripes painted on it.

DL: "That's Dante Spardaz' boat!"

MB: "You know him?"

DL: "No."

MB: "..."

MB races to a closet, ontop of the boat, and opens it up, revealing the cape and cowl of Batman. He knocks those down, and grabs his wetsuit, behind them.

MB: "I'm gonna check it out, ****saphrenic."

DL: "Can't we just tow it?"

MB: "Yeah, but... that'd be kinda boring, wouldn't it?"

DL: "I suppose so. Well, fairwell, my Captain, O' Captain."

MB: "..."

MB: "I blame any bad jokes and/or references from this point on entirely on Flexo."

Flexo: "Yar. Up yours."

MB: "Anyway, I'm off."

DL: "What am I supposed to do?"

MB: "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't touch anything. I'll be back in an hour."

DL: "HOUR?!"

MB: "I said two minutes, damn you!"

MB goes into the water. DL looks around, before going over to the live feed of the Katie Holmes shower cam.

John Travolta: "GREASE! Like, Ohmigawd."

 

[DOG LIPS]

Yaaarrrggghhh. Bout time ye butt lubber.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

why am i not in this.

 

[DOG LIPS]

why am i not in this.

I'll add you in my entry. It may not be pretty though.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

i dont want to die, i hate sharks.