Mr Sparkle Presents: Master Thespians

Yes it’s me , Mr Sparkle, and in the coming weeks I shall do my best to show you the sheer quality of actors that can be (or could be found) in the hollow chattering monster you call a television.

this week

Tom Welling

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to start anything here. I merely want to point out that Tom Welling has very little acting skills. Like say, Oh, your average tree stump.

In fact, if you google Tom Welling Acting you get a pic of Matt Damon and an unrelated image:




I don't know about you but this alone speaks volumes to me, try say Brando acting and you get a whole bunch of images, and they are all of Brando




are you starting to see my point now? sure, he's good enough for a little show, but a whole movie you say?, no! never, I mean, do a a google on him, just him though and you get the same two images over and over! no wait, those are different images! the dude's like zoolander with "ferrari" and "le tigre"

see, here he is looking troubled and gazing into the horizon and the troubles that tomorrow is sure to bring, like cancellation of his dwindling show perhaps? you make the call.



and here, he is looking a little less concerned and gazing into a not too distant horizon,


all his fans know this as his "dreamy" look, but if you see his show he almost never strays from these two looks, infact, if you add red eyes to the first one he's using his heat vision....I know, it's weird for me too.


the thing that bothers me is not his extremely limited range but the rabid fans that defend his shallow as a paper cup acting, as if he was the best actor on the face of the planet, but c'mon, listen to the man, just really listen to him, filter out all the hot teenage people and really focus on the acting,he obvioulsy has the emotional range of a glass of water, tepid water that is





welling? replaced?



in the end my argument is simple, I love pimp my ride, I think xzibit is funny and talented and when he does that shirt thing with the "you've officially been pimped", ha, I laugh my ass off, now I ask you....should he play jesus in the next Passion of the Christ? (don't kid yourself , you know there's going to be one).




see doesn't work does it? neither does Welling...just admit it.

 

it would be awesone, he would turn water into wine, and then multiply the fish and bread, walk over to the apotles and tug at their tunics "Peter? you've officially been pimped dog!"

 

This week, we shall tackle a much more complex subject than before, where our last example was merely a a half empty glass of bad acting warm water, this guy, this guy is what Tom Welling strives for, whenever he is in front of a mirror and he looks not at the reflection, but at what one day he could be, he sees past the rippling abs into the beer belly of greatness, a greatness called………



Adam Sandler


when I complain about actors with no range, this man is in fact my main inspiration, I have studied him like Sigourney Weaver following gorillas in a bad movie. He has astounded me with his ability to remain unchanged throughout a vast history of TV programs and film, but it has been his film career that held my attention like a little kid watching scrambled pornos vaguely aware of a tingly feeling “down there”.



But I digress.



Let us begin.
Of course it’s virtually impossible to go into the artists entire body of work, (which would be long and pointless) let’s instead view highlights. And see how basically Sandler has been peddling the same movie over and over with the only difference being that for some he removes his baseball cap and for some he changes from vintage hockey shirt to sweatshirt and in the process gains about eighteen hundred pounds.


See, his characters speak to us because he mirrors the rage of our daily existence

LOST? Me too, until I realized a key fact.



In water boy he used his rage to play football and get the girl
In anger management he used his rage to manage his anger and keep the girl
In happy Gilmore he used his rage to play golf and get the girl

In bulletproof he used his rage to help Damon Wayans and uh….get the girl.

Even in 8 crazy nights he uses his rage to save Christmas or something like that

In Punch-drunk love he used his rage to beat the bad guys and…..you guessed it get the emotionally unbalanced girl.


so young, yet so angry



What’s that you say? He was good in punch-drunk love? Yeah, you’re forgetting he plays a man with no emotional range whatsoever, that’s why he’s good in it, he plays being unable to portray emotions to a t, except for rage that is. Plus the guy who directed this film is the same guy who directed Magnolia, and if he were to make a movie about a flaming bag of dog crap in someone’s porch , he would infuse the dog crap with an emotional complexity and such pathos that we would weep for it as it gets stomped by the unsuspecting house owner, who no doubt would be symbolic of society’s uncaring nature towards the least privileged members of our society


can you guess what
movie this is from?
me neither


I haven’t seen spanglish yet, but I’m almost sure that it involves rage, using it, and getting the girl, really, in some level I don’t doubt this.





What about his other movies? What,like little Nicky?, where he uses his rage while in stupid makeup? Oops sorry I forgot about that one, and I don’t count 50 first dates (and neither do most people cuz they didn’t see it) and Mr. Deeds is a remake so It won’t fly.

Sure, The Wedding singer was funny, but I’m sure he reluctantly did this role, there’s a portion of it when he starts screaming at the audience, screaming in rage, dude must’ve been in hog heaven.



even animated sandler has troubles with rage


So remember Kiddies, if you’re almost unable to express emotions other that rage, have stupid curly hair, and can change your sweatshirt from time to time.

You is Hollywood material dawg!

 

This week we shall traverse the evil netherworld of bad acting, to see the ugliest face of it, the maggot filled twinkie that even Uwe Bowl would not dare to touch, that only brings pain and filth with it’s horrid mating call, the sound the damned dread and that you and I have also heard……







That’s Hot!



Yes children, this week we shall view the evil and sheer horror that is:







What’s that you say? She ‘s not that bad? REALLY! How dare you? We have been subjected to her bad acting from the first unfortunate incident in which we became unwilling participants in the worst possible publicity stunt ever.

I mean, they almost put pee wee away for child pornography and one day I opened my inbox to an e-mail from a friend that says “You have to check this out!!!” foolishly I opened it and got a video that at first struck as a capturing of the Aurora Borealis with green shapes moving back and forth , upon closer evaluation I realized with horror that It was a sex tape in which a man was doing unclean things with an emaciated little English boy, then upon even close evaluation I realized that this was the famed Paris Hilton sex tape, Oddly enough I found it even more disturbing.


I think i can see a boob, no wait, that's Alaska



That was the shape of horror to come, I have seen many a video with women that claim far less talent than young miss Hilton and even they managed to make sex halfway believeable, she on the other hand made it laughable, yet someone thought (possibly while on top of her) this girl is going to be star.



yes, yes Satan, you there? can you hear me now?.......Look I need a few favors.........


Have you ever seen nine lives? Have you? Well if you haven’t don’t, if you see it at the video store avert your eyes from it lest you turn to salt



As always the proof is in the pudding , let us peruse her putrid resume.


the irony is completely lost on our young heroine, can you guess why?
you're right, she's a stupid ****-Bucket!


· Wishman (1991) .... Girl on Beach
(Satrting off bold and breaking with expectations she began as Girl, but not just Girl, Girl on Beach)
· Sweetie Pie (2000)
(haven't seen it, and c'mon, sweetie pie?)
· Nine Lives (2002) .... Jo
(Remember, avert your eyes or it's salt city)
· QIK2JDG (2002) .... Strung-out Supermodel
(Strung out supermodel, gee, that must've taken a lot of acting classes)
· L.A. Knights (2003) .... Sadie
( I have no idea what this is, I didn't even know it exited, but it sucks, well, let's take a lesson from the later "The Hillz " and make it Mad Urban, It Suckz Yo!!!)
· Wonderland (2003/I) .... Barbie
( A porn star, well, this is a stretch, like I said before, some porstars are talented)
· The Cat in the Hat (2003) .... Female Club-Goe
... aka Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat (USA: complete title)
( Female Club goer! oh, what a stretch, she just keep breaking down barriers I guess her Credits in Zoolander read something like "Herself, not having sex on camera)
· Raising Helen (2004) .... Amber
(AHAHAHAHAHA it's a total pun, raising helen get it?, does she play a spoiled rich girl, or does she play a normal run of the mill talking stick figure)
· The Hillz (2004) .... Heather
(OMG they like took a thing and added a Z infusing it with Mad Urban Skills yo!)
· House of Wax (2005) .... Paige Edwards
( She dies with a pipe through the brain, But that's a non-lethal injury for her)



agents Mulder and Scully investigate 2 pimples on my ass that seem to have more acting skill than Paris Hilton.

In the end we can only blame ourselves for letting this get so out of hand, she's on Leno on SNL has a reality show, WTF? why? she's a no talent unlikable *****......Like Martha stewart, but UNLIKE Martha Stewart she can't fold a Napkin into a swan, or a Prison spoon into a deadly weapon.

More's the pitty.

 

Okay, here we go again, and this time, though it might seem to the casual observer I’m being unfair; this is not so, because the casual observer is in this case a fan of Jennifer Lopez, and thus, his or her judgment cannot be trusted.

Spoiler

don't be fooled by the rock

Spoiler

s that I
got, or the crap I act in.........

Why is it that I’m doomed to see incredibly untalented people rise towards stardom like they were worth the gum that keeps sticking to the bottom of my shoe? No, It wasn’t enough that they gave Matt Le blanc his own damned series (with a HUGE supporting cast so he didn’t drown in the ocean of crap that is his own inadequate acting) I had to see a woman whose only redeeming factor is an enormous posterior rise through the ranks of acting like she was mother****ing Catherine Hepburn. soon she was dating quasi-celebrities and turning them from slacker slobs to wannabe hunks, pathetic really.

Spoiler

I like big Butts and I cannot lie

“what? But she was good in out of sight!” NO, the director was good in out of sight, the story and supporting cast were good in out sight, and she had a gigantic ass and a gun, I know for a fact that over-endowed women holding weaponry is enough to make most nerds salivate ( tomb raider, I’m looking at you)

Spoiler

look at the butt on the woman next to jen, her ass is twice as big, she must be

Spoiler

twice as talented OMG!!! dispense with formalities and give her an oscar

In reality, this woman is far, far from talented, in fact, when you realize the fact that she was in LAMBADA!!!! You’ll understand how much this woman truly sucks.

LAMBADA , people!!!! She’s responsible for one of those Blight-on-humanity movies about “The Forbidden dance”, that alone should make you want to burn her in effigy (of you ever find pillows large enough to represent her bulbous behind that is)


thanks for this jen, really :

Spoiler

"set the night on fire"? well when i saw the poster

Spoiler

for the movie i wanted to set something on fire,

Spoiler

it just wasn't the night.

so in the end, we come the awful realization that to succeed in Hollywood and have no talent you just have to be some sort of freak.

Don’t believe me? Well, let’s break this down shall we?



J-lo, No talent +gargantuan buttocks = greatness

Angelina Jolie No Talent + Freakish (shudders) Freakish Lips + Incest = Greatness
Tom Cruise No Talent + Lilliputian Descent + HipnoTeeth =Greatness
Lindsay Lohan No talent whatsoever at all in the world + Freaky skeleton powers = greatness.

Spoiler

soon He-Man and all of eternia will bow down before me!!!

Maybe I’m missing something here?



Ed Burns is pretty cool, he’s a bad actor, but he is cool, yet he is not the pinnacle of greatness that these people are all supposed to be? Maybe he is missing a third eye or something.

Spoiler

now for her next act she'll make him talk while she has a glass

Spoiler

of water.

Oh well, in the end we are all the better for having seen the meteoric rise and be witnessing the not-too hasty fall of this woman, I’m not saying I hate her or anything but c’mon, browse the woman’s filmography and even Ahnuld would chuckle in contempt “Vat a Luzzer!!” he’d say as his enormous pinky ring flailed wildly.

Plus she dumped both the Affleck and puffy, and I ain’t having that yo! B-boys 4 life I'm out!

 

Today we will witness what can happen when experiments go horribly awry, the year was 1979 and a chilling rain fell over the military complex simply known as "area 510" (10 times more secret than that "other area") an experiment was underway to fuse the DNA of a newly aquired alien specimen with that of our best and brightest.

sort of.

sadly the experiment failed, and the resulting abomination escaped into the dark night after wounding many and killing a few (descriptions from secret areas get pretty vague for security reasons)

on a totally unrelated note Sarah Jessica Parker made her acting debut a few months later.


look it's sarah jessica parker.......... she's totally not an alien............really!

yes, I know, some of you actually find this woman halway atractive for some reason or another, but....to be honest, not only does she look like the type of gal that would unhinge her inhuman jaw letting her tendrills slip from her throat into your eyes sockets killing you after moments of unbearable pain.

she's also a horrible actress, whose movies cause me unbearable pain, not only that but I wonder how exactly did a woman that looks like she does and who could only land Ferris Bueller as a husband was picked over a million other hot actresses to be the pinnacle of female sexuality, the model if you will for the modern woman, and template to a thousand wannabes who now spend countless hours trying to emulate this woman's "image"

c'mon, it's obvious that this woman is the product of a secret experiment, using the DNA of beloved democrat Jhon Kerry, a Then unknown and relatively young jennifer Aniston and some hideous alien from the planet Xzlebrytac-12.


+

+



=




coincidence? I think not!

the fact of the matter is that her only good work was In Mars Attacks! why do you think that Is people???

for god's sake open your eyes! it's like that movie "They Live" where the washed up wrestler plays the washed up drifter that gets the special glasses that enable him to see the aliens in their true form, their inhuman, hideous form.
you don't even need glasses to see the truth here! aside from that, her wooden akward interaction with her castmates (as evidenced by L.A. story) and her uneven portrayal of a townie in footlose, I mean, C'mon, she was bad in footlose! what more do you need?

now, guys. how many of you actually have naughty thoughts about her?
have you acted upon them?
you know how they tell you that feeling ashamed about it is bad, and how natural it is.

well, no!

you should be ashamed, it's perfectly natural, for she is not human, and once she mates again her offspring will bring about the end of humanity.

but i digress.

 

Gee for a guy with E. Bison in his quote and Sir Mix-a-lot on his avatar you have no sense of humor.

 

AHAHAHAHA! yeah, I'm totally devastated that my "credibility" on a message board is not holding water with people.
I would hang myself like a dejected Chinese teenager but I have to go get lunch later, so you see how that would conflict with my schedule.
Gawd you people are so humorless about your idols.
have you seen Smallville lately?
yeah me neither.
just so you people know, I don't like " hate" Tom Welling ( I even state that he's good enough for a little show on a little failing network) but seriously?
"he's not that bad an actor" the guy has the emotional range of a spatula and least the spatula serves a purpose in life.
seriously, sit down and really watch smallville, don't get lost in Tom's eyes like most Wellingnites tend to. observe.....
the average episode requires him to go from
1.- happy ( when the episode starts) to
2.- concerned ( which is the same as sad, which is the same as constipated) to
3.- Angry ( which just looks ridiculous....he can't pull off menace, and that in SUPERMAN of all heroes is important, when he does that nostril flaring caricature of anger I just pass out with laughter and miss the rest of the episode) to
4.- happy again.
seriously, I'm not even that strict about acting, I watched Angel for god's sake ANGEL! they had puppets with swords and even the puppets had more acting range than that little walking Abercrombie Billboard.
when I was in high school I had the biggest crush on Cindy Crawford ( It was the 90's don't judge me ) and even though I thought the sun rose and set behind that mole in her face , when she made the unfortunate move to star in a movie even I was able to face facts and recognize true, cold hard facts.
when asked about it back then, I shrugged and said " ***** can't act "
didn't make her any less attractive.
so, in conclusion.


Tom Welling sucks

that is all.

 

I was saying that EVEN ANGEL is better that smallville.
it's a good sort of comparison, where one is like a cancer and the other is like a metasticized cancer.

see one is not as bad as the other.