*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[amazingfantasy15]

Easy - I've always wanted her. I've had one other relationship to rival what we had, but that turned out not so good. It's easy to know what I want, but the consequence could be severe.

About one year ago, she called to talk about this guy she was talking to. She kept saying she thought she liked him, because he reminded her of me. She needed a sounding board. I called her out; I had the balls to - I was in a relationship. She got a little upset, nothing to stop talking to me over, but retracted and said "I knew this would turn into you thinking something."


**** like that scares me.

This taints all your arguments, let's go through them without emotional attachement.

So I've been in this back-in-forth with my ex, ever since I moved back to the area. We've known each other for ten years, and after the break-up just remained friends. No drama; no questions, just stayed in touch.

Full disclosure: I'm still attracted and we get along great. So I notice this, and tell myself "you've had your shot. . don't make it weird." There will be little hints dropped to make me think I should say something, not make a move. . just reply.

I'll break this down - Hints:
1. We were talking about her ex, with whom she had a kid, and a just let her blast away. The part came where I needed to be Switzerland and just re-affirm her. I say "you got an amazing little boy out of it. . be happy." She replies, "there are better people to have kids with." Ambiguous, I know; but I reply "like a millionaire?" She looks at me a says "I can think of a few." Still ambiguous, hence why I didn't take that conversation any further.

So she somewhat regreat having a kid with the father who isn't there anymore. Wow! What a shocker! Was it a bad breakup? Is there still bad blood? Was he an ass to her? Is he still being an ass?

2. It was late and she told me I could stay on the couch. No date - just hanging. The next morning I get up and leave. She was tired, and I am a early riser. I thought I should wake her and say bye, but she looked peaceful. Later she made a sarcastic comment about not saying goodbye. It got to the point where sarcasm looks like hidden truth. So I asked her if she was cool, and she said "sure." It's even been brought up very flippantly ever since the last talk.

Well, you were staying at her house, it's only appropriate that you say something when you're leaving. Maybe even just leave a note. She may have wanted to lock up after you left. Remember you stayed on the couch, she didn't offer you the option of staying in her bed right?

3. Every time she sees me, she always say "it was really good to see you." She is some account/visual lead/event planner at a catering company. She hooked me up with a part-time gig at said place. So we have a times were we see each other, twice a weekend, once a weekend, and sometimes when there is a really late party she will invite me over to stay (refer back to #2). I always think "she just saw me ten days ago?" In my mind, that statement is hand-and-hand with not seeing someone for more than three to four weeks. Dunno.

She enjoys hanging out with you, when she invites you over do you think you'll be staying on the couch, is there any chance of her inviting you to her room?

4. She invited me to a Thrashers game. Ok - I quickly gathered why I was invited, because a couple invited her. I still played the friend card and did not make it weird, but I understood why she didn't invite a girl friend, she wanted it to look like a double date for the cause - as to not make the guy feel like he's chillin with three girls. Fun times as usual, we even went out after. When it was time to go - I left, not thinking any hidden conspiracy theories or what-have-you. She went to drop the other couple at the rail and then called me "are you tired - ok to drive home?" I knew what that meant - that was an invite to sleep at her place. Keep in mind - I'm roughly an hour out of Atlanta. I reply "too late now, I'm passed the loop." She laughed - and I know her - meaning she understood. . no need to turn around, at that point I'm 45 minutes away from home.

Okay, most girls aren't going to be too excited about a hockey game and are you sure you were the first person she invited. You had an hour drive home, maybe had a little to drink, so she offered you an option to crash at her place. Again, where do you think you would've ended up sleeping couch or bed?

5. During the dinner after the game, we all talked about really cool places to eat in Atlanta. The Vortex came up, and I said I've never been. She said "we went a few years ago." We went back and forth, and convinced her that I would remember the place. Then she made it a point to say that we were going to go, just she and I.

I have a decent idea of what's going on, and I'm not going to push the issue to soon. My brother says I should just flat out tell her "**** or get of the pot." I get where he is coming from, but don't want to make things weird. I know where assuming can land me. Right now I'm playing it cool. Glad to see her, happy to hang, and nothing more.

Sounding board, anyone? Need more details or just want to do the traditional sarcastic post. . . let's have it.

Your friends, she thought you'd been to a great place, you hadn't. Do you think going there will be a date or just hanging out as friends?

EDIT: I forgot. She 'says' she is the type of person to speak her mind. If she wants something she will just ask. More ambiguity, I know. But it's important to understand that in the back of my head I keep telling myself "if she wants more she will bring it up. Keep your mouth shut, don't make **** weird, and just enjoy the times."

She 'says'? You were engaged to this girl, you should know if that's true or not. Does she or doesn't she? Have you ever known her to play games like this. You want to get back together, so you're seeing things that don't seem to be there. Do you have any other girls that you see a possibility in dating right now? If the answer is no, I'd say your mind is playing tricks on you. You're seeing an oasis in the desert.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

My consensus as well. I'll play my cards, and let the hints keep flowing. Maybe a good time would be if she follows through with the Vortex idea - alone, a la a date. . possibly a good time to really feel out an evening, then just jump right in.

One other thing on the hints front. What kind of flirting is going on, like does she find excuses to touch you?

 

[JStorm]

This taints all your arguments, let's go through them without emotional attachement.

I have no argument, just airing my brain.

So she somewhat regreat having a kid with the father who isn't there anymore. Wow! What a shocker! Was it a bad breakup? Is there still bad blood? Was he an ass to her? Is he still being an ass?

Regrets the father, more like. He is an ass, it was a bad break-up, and she's not that crazy about him now either.

Well, you were staying at her house, it's only appropriate that you say something when you're leaving. Maybe even just leave a note. She may have wanted to lock up after you left. Remember you stayed on the couch, she didn't offer you the option of staying in her bed right?

In retrospect, I agree. She's not mad, more poking fun. I just question the poking after so long. She doesn't offer me the bed, because her son is in there. I have been offered the bed, but didn't take it. Possibly stupid on my part, could have fleshed out that night. Dunno.

She enjoys hanging out with you, when she invites you over do you think you'll be staying on the couch, is there any chance of her inviting you to her room?

Back to the son. . it's 50/50. Last time we just stayed up most of the night talking. When she looked tired, I beat her to it and grabbed the blanket and pillow out of her room, then jumped on the couch.

Okay, most girls aren't going to be too excited about a hockey game and are you sure you were the first person she invited. You had an hour drive home, maybe had a little to drink, so she offered you an option to crash at her place. Again, where do you think you would've ended up sleeping couch or bed?

She loves sports, and not sure about the first person, no drinks. She didn't "offer," she called when I was about 45 minutes out, asked if I was ok to drive. We pretty much laughed and had an agreement about the need to NOT turn around. As for the couch, there's a 50/50 chance we both end up there.

Your friends, she thought you'd been to a great place, you hadn't. Do you think going there will be a date or just hanging out as friends?

With her, it's always hanging. One of the reasons why I'm crazy about her. Most of the time we just bull****. We get on great, and usually entertain one another all night. Keep in mind, this event hasn't happened, and I don't know how the night will unfold.


She 'says'? You were engaged to this girl, you should know if that's true or not. Does she or doesn't she? Have you ever known her to play games like this. You want to get back together, so you're seeing things that don't seem to be there. Do you have any other girls that you see a possibility in dating right now? If the answer is no, I'd say your mind is playing tricks on you. You're seeing an oasis in the desert.

I do know. She has always been straight forward. But I am referring to her being open at work, or in politics, etc.

In bold.

One other thing on the hints front. What kind of flirting is going on, like does she find excuses to touch you?

She's never been touchy, doesn't like to hold hands, etc. It's more of gestures, almost like she's in the same boat as me.

Maybe my answers above will shed more light.





EDIT - for everyone: A few months ago, I did out myself a bit. I told her I would love to get to know her again, because I was closer and most of our times - as to that point - had been few and far between. She didn't argue, just said "make sure I'm not a rebound." This was right after a break up, and I took her seriously. I stayed away for a month or so, then she FB'ed and asked if I was ok. Then this all started.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

It sounds to me like there's definitely something going on from both sides. If she's what you really want...I wouldn't let her slip away. I'd throw it out there and see what happened.

 

[LOBO3315a]

I confess that I'm still in love with my youngest son's mom, even though she won't talk to me and won't send me pictures of our son.

Ok, I started this off in the confessions thread, but now I need a bit of advice from the gurus here.

How do I let my youngest son's mom know that I want to see him without driving her further away? If you read the whole thread, you'll get the gist of what happened. I need to know how to approach her in a way that doesn't make her retreat and shut me completely out.

 

[BlackLantern]

tell her you have no interest in her and just want to see your kid....put the feelings aside

 

[LOBO3315a]

Well I started talking to her last night on Yahoo IM. She's not too keen on me seeing our son. Her husband isn't happy about how things went between her and I.

According to her, her feelings towards me have changed. She no longer loves me. She doesn't want me in her or our son's life. She's even come to the conclusion that she wants me to sign over my parental rights. She thinks our son will go on to do big things in his life, and doesn't want me coming out of the woodwork to ruin things.

Man, can I pick them, or what?

 

[BlackLantern]

well, that sounds horrible....but unless you want to go to court over it, you're kind of in a corner

at this instance, you should think about what is in the best interest of your child, not what YOU personally want

 

[AndThePickles]

Ok, I started this off in the confessions thread, but now I need a bit of advice from the gurus here.

How do I let my youngest son's mom know that I want to see him without driving her further away? If you read the whole thread, you'll get the gist of what happened. I need to know how to approach her in a way that doesn't make her retreat and shut me completely out.

The part in bold is the part that you need to stop focusing on. I'm going to give you some tough love here: she does not want you. She is married to another man. And I know that it hurts to hear that, but until you accept it, you aren't going to get anywhere with your son or in your own personal life. You don't need to worry about her, you need to worry about your son.

As I said in the other thread, he deserves a chance and the choice to spend time with you as his father. Don't let anyone else stand in the way of your son and a relationship with him.

 

[LOBO3315a]

The driving away part was more about her further restricting access to my son that she all ready had. I kind of got the gist that she no longer feels they same way about me last night after our conversation.

I pretty much told her I wouldn't sign away my rights as a parent. And as I understand the court system, they can't force that upon me, unless I am deemed a threat or a danger to him. I am neither, since I don't get to see him anyways.

Jeesh, I never thought it would get this bad.

 

[Erzengel]

Are you capable of bringing this to court for visitation rights? Cause if she doesn't want you seeing him, you are going to have to fight them. I would put that thought in her head and be less concerned on how she may see you and more on how your son sees you.

 

[AndThePickles]

I feel terribly for you; I really do People can be ugly beings, and it's really a shame that this situation is occurring. I agree that you will likely need to take them to court, unfortunately.

 

[C. Lee]

The driving away part was more about her further restricting access to my son that she all ready had. I kind of got the gist that she no longer feels they same way about me last night after our conversation.

I pretty much told her I wouldn't sign away my rights as a parent. And as I understand the court system, they can't force that upon me, unless I am deemed a threat or a danger to him. I am neither, since I don't get to see him anyways.

Jeesh, I never thought it would get this bad.

It all depends on how bad you want to see your kid. Going through the court system is long and expensive. You have to ask yourself...do I want to do that. PM me if you want to talk about it.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Ok, I started this off in the confessions thread, but now I need a bit of advice from the gurus here.

How do I let my youngest son's mom know that I want to see him without driving her further away? If you read the whole thread, you'll get the gist of what happened. I need to know how to approach her in a way that doesn't make her retreat and shut me completely out.

I read what you said in the confession thread and do have a couple questions, how old is your son? Also was the girl married or dating her husband when she got pregnant? I can't understand the jealous feelings on her husband's part other than you being able to give her what he can't, children.

Either way, first threaten legal action and if that doesn't work, take legal action. Sometimes though, just the threat is enough. It's really the only way, don't worry about her feelings 'cause you won't change them.

 

[LOBO3315a]

I was part of a dads divorce forum a while back. I've seen lots of horror stories of fathers who never got to see their kids, and a few happy endings of fathers who got to finally spend time with them. Even 1 or 2 who won total custody, but the mothers had to be proven unfit. It's an uphill battle at best.

Part of me says that the status quo is he is safe, she isn't unfit, and he is being provided for. Anything I would do, could upset those things. I have to ask myself if it's really worth throwing his life into turmoil, just to satisfy my need to see him.

Then there's all the dirty tricks I'm sure she would play. "Forgetting" about my visitation, disappearing with him, and forcing me to track them down. She's Hispanic with family in Mexico, so I'm sure she could steal away across the border to hide out for a bit. All these things would be a disruption to his well-being.

I also have an ailing mother to take care of, and a 15 yr old son who I get to see every other weekend. I'm not trying to justify not seeing him, but I am trying to be realistic about it. I may have to wait a bit before I pursue any sort of legal action.

I mean it's not like I'm asking for any sort monumental undertaking. I just want her to live up to her original word: to keep updated on him with pictures. I just can't figure out how she went from someone who could complete my sentences, to this.

Amazing, she was married when we met, and apparently unhappy with her marriage. She talked about leaving him, not necessairly for me. I was kind of hoping that's what would happen, but I wasn't counting on it. Now it seems the is absolutely devoted to him, and has an extreme dislike towards me. Also our son is 1.5 yrs old.

 

[doih]

I read what you posted in the other thread.

From what you describe, the situation is that you are going to have to go through the courts if you want to be able to see your son. The general standard the courts are going to use is what is in the best interests of the child. You need to take a long look at what is best for your son, and discount everyone else (as much as possible ofc, you can't be 100% objective). Not what your ex and her husband feel would be best, not what you think is best, but what realistically is the best situation for your son.

PM me if you want to talk, looking for info, etc.

Family law is a bitter, bitter field.

 

[enterthemadness]

So...a woman that went to school with me this past spring and summer deleted me outta no where on facebook. She knew I had a thing for her. Am I mad? No...probably for the best. I deleted her off my myspace in retaliation. I say it for best cause I was thinking of no longer being friends with her cause of my crush on her. Oh well.

 

[BlackLantern]

Ive noticed people take it quite serious when you delete or unfriend them from FB or MySpace

 

[enterthemadness]

Ive noticed people take it quite serious when you delete or unfriend them from FB or MySpace

I was bummed out when she friendzoned me. And she knew I still had a thing for her. As Panthers coach John Fox would day "it is what it is"

 

[Anubis]

I thought only porn stars and musicians still used MySpace.

 

[BlackLantern]

It might actually be shut down within the next year or so

http://news.yahoo.com/s/digitaltren...ltrends/newscorpwarnsmyspacetoimproveorelse_1

 

[lixdexia]

I was bummed out when she friendzoned me. And she knew I still had a thing for her. As Panthers coach John Fox would day "it is what it is"

dude, why stress about it? don't say "i'm not stressing about it" because you wouldn't post it if you weren't on some level. what you need is a good slump buster.

 

[enterthemadness]

I thought only porn stars and musicians still used MySpace.

Has to be most of it's daily traffic.

 

[Erzengel]

What's her name? Maybe she can be my friend.

 

[The Squirrel]

You know online dating is rough when even the "chubby" girls flashing their cleavage won't talk back to you.