*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Erzengel]

Communication is key my friend, tell her that it's still bothering you and try to remain calm, cool and collective when you discuss it with her.

And if things begin to escalate, tell her you have doubts of being with someone when there isn't a level of trust shared on both sides.

 

[Anita18]

Communication is key my friend, tell her that it's still bothering you and try to remain calm, cool and collective when you discuss it with her.

And if things begin to escalate, tell her you have doubts of being with someone when there isn't a level of trust shared on both sides.

I completely agree here. You can be as forthcoming and open as you want, but she has to be willing to listen. And she doesn't seem willing to listen in the least.

 

[chapin]

thanks for the advice!

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yes. Congrats though, you've improved a lot Be proud!

thanks =) i am proud of what ive accomplished this past year, and the path i have put myself on for my future. unfortunately, im still feeling really heartbroken right now. more has happened that has pretty much confirmed everything ive felt about the situation - she feels the same way and wants the same thing that i do, but shes going to throw away something that could have been really good because she is so broken right now. letting her walk away has been the hardest thing ive had to do, but i know that its the only thing i can do at this point. so im dealing with a broken heart right now, but i know ill be okay. im still doing great things with my life, and my self confidence is no longer an issue. i even have options, as that other girl and i are set up for a second date tonite. ill be fine... its just the rough patch right now of having lost someone very special to me.

 

[enterthemadness]

Ok, Erz...Wilmington, NC has tv and Film. One Tree Hill is shot there. Screen Gems is there, and sadly not the Sony one, a indie company. I want to do Film, but I won't cry if it doesn't come to be. In terms of jump starting my career, there is a webseries of mine, a crappy one man slenderman one. I am proud of one of the seven videos on there. I have two YouTube channels...hard getting views, not to mention not really proud of the videos I do have on there for most part. You think a video of me doing the bloody Mary thing would get views...only like 50 so far...I just don't have any ideas for those channels. I also made some xtranormal web cgi shorts...but ran out of the free trial. Those were fun! Anybody can use the free trial or pay like a low monthly price s month to create and post short to YouTube or facebook.

Anita, yes, I am defensive and I quit on lots of things. Just how I was raised. Like my bass....mentally...it makes no sense to me how guitar or bass works a lot of times. I will learn how to play bass before I am 30, need to replace a cord on it, I don't expect to be good. I may just play left handed. I'm rightie, and mentally it's not firing up there. I may not have the mind to play an instrument.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

I'm actually serious about this.

My problem began the other night when a girl commented on my mom's Facebook status. I'm literally friends with like 95% of the same people that my mom is, but I had no idea who this girl was. I creeped her Facebook and noticed that she was friends with my sister also. Wasn't having this, at all. We began talking through messages, and I found out who she was. I was heading to bed and told her to text me sometime and gave her my number. She texted me like 3 minutes later. We texted for a bit before she asked me for a picture of her, so I sent her one and she said I was "a cutiee ". I asked her for one in return, and she was surprisingly attractive.

Anyways, we began texting more frequently and everything, and shes all smiley faces and whatnot, and I'm all like "lol whateva". I really don't want anything from her romantically, I don't want to be in a relationship. But I also can't say "listen I'm not trying to talk to you like that", mostly because I understand the feeling of rejection all too well.

What do I do? :/

 

[AndThePickles]

Not enough has happened for you to "do" anything.

 

[TheLoneCreature]

I've been friends with this girl for about 2-3 years. I've liked her for that long. We've grown really close but I don't know if she likes me back. We go to different schools, but we catch the bus most mornings and talk for ages. I find her funny, she finds me funny and she tells me everything she does in her life, all her secrets, everything. I've had about 3 friends who have liked her, 1 of which has gone out with her and done 'stuff' with her. Everytime We're seen together, people ask if we're going out, she always comes out with the same answer, 'People of the opposite sex can be best friends, you know?'. Any thoughts?

 

[Spider-Who?]

I'm actually serious about this.

My problem began the other night when a girl commented on my mom's Facebook status. I'm literally friends with like 95% of the same people that my mom is, but I had no idea who this girl was. I creeped her Facebook and noticed that she was friends with my sister also. Wasn't having this, at all. We began talking through messages, and I found out who she was. I was heading to bed and told her to text me sometime and gave her my number. She texted me like 3 minutes later. We texted for a bit before she asked me for a picture of her, so I sent her one and she said I was "a cutiee ". I asked her for one in return, and she was surprisingly attractive.

Anyways, we began texting more frequently and everything, and shes all smiley faces and whatnot, and I'm all like "lol whateva". I really don't want anything from her romantically, I don't want to be in a relationship. But I also can't say "listen I'm not trying to talk to you like that", mostly because I understand the feeling of rejection all too well.

What do I do? :/

its pretty simple. Stop leading her on. Or, if you feel you are not leading her on, slowly back away from the situation. Stop talking to her as much, and refrain from any type of discussion or communication that could be perceived as flirtatious or courting.

 

[Erzengel]

Sounds like you are in the friend zone. The fact that she says you guys are just "best friends" and you haven't mentioned any instances of intimacy or romantic inclinations on her end.

You should have stated your feelings earlier. Doing so now, you'll ruin the friendship until you are over her.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I've been friends with this girl for about 2-3 years. I've liked her for that long. We've grown really close but I don't know if she likes me back. We go to different schools, but we catch the bus most mornings and talk for ages. I find her funny, she finds me funny and she tells me everything she does in her life, all her secrets, everything. I've had about 3 friends who have liked her, 1 of which has gone out with her and done 'stuff' with her. Everytime We're seen together, people ask if we're going out, she always comes out with the same answer, 'People of the opposite sex can be best friends, you know?'. Any thoughts?

Speaking from experience, get it out. Be straight with her. In college, I was best friends with a girl. People thought we were together as well. We secretly liked each other for 2-3 years before we were honest with our feelings. We eventually started dating and got engaged. It ended up not working out in the long run, but that's besides the point.

On the flip side, there was a chick I was friends with. I really dug her, and she made all the right "moves" to appear as if she couldn't wait to hop in the sack. I told her how I felt and things got weird and I eventually lost a friend.

Moral of the story is, its better to be honest about the situation and see what happens then live your life miserable not knowing what to do.

Also, the fact that you mentioned she had dated and messed around with a friend of yours sends warning signs to me that this is an issue you have. You need to consider how you feel dating some one that a buddy as tapped, as well as how THEY feel about you dating their ex. Bros before hos and all.

 

[Erzengel]

I do agree with Spider-Who though. You shouldn't be settling. If by telling you how you feel ruins the friendship, oh well, it's not what you really want anyways.

 

[Mac_Hine]

More of trouble/shyness, thus don't enjoy it.

Shyness is a choice. You are shy to protect yourself and your self-image. And why not, it has kept you alive up to this point. But shyness is an addiction to comfort. You are living in a safe zone where you are trying to protect your comfort level. Just thought I would share that.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Shyness is a choice. You are shy to protect yourself and your self-image. And why not, it has kept you alive up to this point. But shyness is an addiction to comfort. You are living in a safe zone where you are trying to protect your comfort level. Just thought I would share that.

I'm a functioning shy guy but that shyness has kept me from even going out on a date in the two years since my engagement went south. Most of that though has been the typical "grieving and saying 'f*** it'" mentality. But now I'm starting to feel like its time to get back out there, and even have my sights on someone, but the shyness thing is a road block.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I do agree with Spider-Who though. You shouldn't be settling. If by telling you how you feel ruins the friendship, oh well, it's not what you really want anyways.

Yeah, if she doesn't feel the same way, and you loose her as a friend, then honestly your friendship wasn't strong to begin with and most likely, you're better off. Its cliche, but true (again, i know this from experience).

 

[Mac_Hine]

I'm a functioning shy guy but that shyness has kept me from even going out on a date in the two years since my engagement went south. Most of that though has been the typical "grieving and saying 'f*** it'" mentality. But now I'm starting to feel like its time to get back out there, and even have my sights on someone, but the shyness thing is a road block.

Hey it's all good. I'm a recovering shy guy too but learning what I typed really helped me shift my thinking. It helped me learn that it was under MY control to be shy or not and that it didn't have to do with an outside source or that I was "just shy, so I can't help it". But I like your attitude of getting out there again. Good for you!

 

[Frodo]

I've been friends with this girl for about 2-3 years. I've liked her for that long. We've grown really close but I don't know if she likes me back. We go to different schools, but we catch the bus most mornings and talk for ages. I find her funny, she finds me funny and she tells me everything she does in her life, all her secrets, everything. I've had about 3 friends who have liked her, 1 of which has gone out with her and done 'stuff' with her. Everytime We're seen together, people ask if we're going out, she always comes out with the same answer, 'People of the opposite sex can be best friends, you know?'. Any thoughts?

It's sounds to me like you're pretty deep in the friendzone. I agree with everyone else's comments. I think it's up to you to determine if you can deal with being "just friends".

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Hey it's all good. I'm a recovering shy guy too but learning what I typed really helped me shift my thinking. It helped me learn that it was under MY control to be shy or not and that it didn't have to do with an outside source or that I was "just shy, so I can't help it". But I like your attitude of getting out there again. Good for you!

I too am a recovering "shy guy", and that's probably been the biggest factor in my improvement the past few months to a year. For me, overcoming it was building confidence in myself that I never had, and to do that I had to find some actual meaning in my life. That came from going back to school, and then more specifically joining the theatre department at my college. I've fallen in love with theatre, I've found something that I love, that I want to do with the rest of my life, something that I'd like to think I'm good at I've found something for myself, and in the process I've made a lot of friends, my social life has taken off in ways it never has before, I'm socially -accepted-, and it's had such an overwhelming impact on my confidence.

So much so that normally when facing rejection, or losing the girl that I'm into, which I feel is what's happening right now, I typically mope around about how I'll never find a girlfriend, I'm doomed, etc... Instead now I've already had a couple dates with another girl, and I've found myself way more able to get out there and approach random girls, even if I'm not necessarily asking for a date or a phone number. I'd always be way too intimidated even to just say "hi", but not anymore. And really, it's the best feeling in the world. That feeling within myself that I can, and will, succeed at anything I set my mind to. It doesn't even have to do with just girls, it has to do with how I view myself. Oddly enough, I've had at least ONE date every semester that I've been in school and started building that confidence, and the last 2 semesters I've even had multiple dates with numerous girls (a ginormous improvement over what I had going for me before - only having gone on dates with about 2 or 3 girls in my entire life up to that point). I guess that whole "confidence" thing does go a long ways

 

[Erzengel]

One of the tricks to getting over your shyness is to stop making a woman, a date, etc., the end all be all of experiences. If you meet a woman, or you want to introduce yourself to someone, you have to go in not putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. Don't live and die by the result. If she says yes, great. If she says no, oh well, dust yourself off and move on to the next person.

Once you realize you have nothing to really lose, you'll be surprised how your confidence grows.

 

[LOBO3315a]

I've been friends with this girl for about 2-3 years. I've liked her for that long. We've grown really close but I don't know if she likes me back. We go to different schools, but we catch the bus most mornings and talk for ages. I find her funny, she finds me funny and she tells me everything she does in her life, all her secrets, everything. I've had about 3 friends who have liked her, 1 of which has gone out with her and done 'stuff' with her. Everytime We're seen together, people ask if we're going out, she always comes out with the same answer, 'People of the opposite sex can be best friends, you know?'. Any thoughts?

Here's my take on it: people of the opposite sex can be friends, but there is always some sort of sexual attraction from one or both of them. And most significant sexual relationships start off as friendships. Otherwise they burn out pretty quickly. So if I were you, and you want it to progress further with her, tell her how you feel. If you really are friends she will reciporcate your feelings, or give you the 'let's just be friends' speech. If she gives you the speech, then your friendship isn't that strong.

 

[Erzengel]

As you get older and start getting into my committed, mature relationships such as even living with someone. It gets hard hanging out with your friends as much.

That being said, more often times than not, if you're a single guy hanging out with a reasonably attractive girl again more often times than not guy will start developing feelings for said girl, especially if that girl is the only girl in his life.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Here's my take on it: people of the opposite sex can be friends, but there is always some sort of sexual attraction from one or both of them. And most significant sexual relationships start off as friendships. Otherwise they burn out pretty quickly. So if I were you, and you want it to progress further with her, tell her how you feel. If you really are friends she will reciporcate your feelings, or give you the 'let's just be friends' speech. If she gives you the speech, then your friendship isn't that strong.

I agree with everything but the bold.

Their friendship isn't defined by her saying "i love you too! lets go and bang it out!". Her friendship will be defined by how they handle the situation if she says "no, i don't like you that way". If things get weird and she turns and runs, THEN their friendship wasn't that strong.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I agree with everything but the bold.

Their friendship isn't defined by her saying "i love you too! lets go and bang it out!". Her friendship will be defined by how they handle the situation if she says "no, i don't like you that way". If things get weird and she turns and runs, THEN their friendship wasn't that strong.

I certainly don't agree with what you bolded. However, I'm also not sure I agree with what you're saying either. LoneCreature has said he's liked the girl for as long as he's known her, but hasn't told her, so he's been hiding something very big their entire friendship. The friendship already isn't that strong, she tells him all her secrets, but he's been keeping a big secret from her the entire time. LoneCreature has there ever been any indication she likes you as more than a friend. Do the two of you flirt with each other? When you're seen together is it just on the bus? Do you hang out a lot outside of these bus rides?

 

[Spider-Who?]

I certainly don't agree with what you bolded. However, I'm also not sure I agree with what you're saying either. LoneCreature has said he's liked the girl for as long as he's known her, but hasn't told her, so he's been hiding something very big their entire friendship. The friendship already isn't that strong, she tells him all her secrets, but he's been keeping a big secret from her the entire time. LoneCreature has there ever been any indication she likes you as more than a friend. Do the two of you flirt with each other? When you're seen together is it just on the bus? Do you hang out a lot outside of these bus rides?

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

I'm looking at it from experience of two out of the three outcomes, all of them being:

1) They remain friends
2) They hook up
3) Their friendship is over

I have experience in the last two outcomes, and do feel that if this ruins their friendship then it wasn't as strong as he thinks it was in the first place.

This of course is not really to fault the girl - it'll be totally understandable if she gets weirded out by his lie of omission, but if they care about their friendship, then they should be able to work past it.

 

[Erzengel]

I've had experience with the first two. I'm actually still friends with a few of them. But let me do full disclosure here, if I was single and they gave me the opportunity, I'd hit it with extreme prejudice.