*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[enterthemadness]

I "get" bars. I don't "get" seeking a relationship from someone you meet in one.

Much like I "get" people seeking significant others on the internet, but I don't "get" them doing that through Facebook.

No, no, no, no, noooooooooooooooo.

A friend is trying to set me up with this woman for a FWB deal. So, yea

 

[Trainwreck2100]

Yeah?

I'd have thought you target those who take a hell of a long time in the booth...

Those who need to take communion twice...

learn to Catholic dude, if they take long in the booth, they can get communion. Not gonna lie though, i hear the more fundamentalist Christians are the bigger freaks

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I "get" bars. I don't "get" seeking a relationship from someone you meet in one.

Much like I "get" people seeking significant others on the internet, but I don't "get" them doing that through Facebook.

You said you were from Europe, didn't you? Well, either way, I've been and I find the bars (pubs) over there to be way more fun and friendly atmospheres. I could see meeting someone there.

Yeah, but it's not a joke. You wanna find some skanks and ****es, theres no place like Church. I myself hooked up with a few chicks at the clinic I worked at. After I knew the penicillin had kicked in of course.

Churchgoers are huge ****s.

 

[Savage]

I'm just gonna be blunt with it. I've loved this girl since I was 18 (I'm 23) and we've been off and on all these years because she has major issues involving abandonment (The whole "You're going to leave me just like everybody else" shtick). She's actually been the one to leave me twice (at LEAST) because she felt it was better to leave me before I left her. We're only back together after two years because we were still in love and missed each other. We've been going out for a year and 4 months now but, to be blunt, she's so clingy, paranoid, demanding, and flat out controlling that I've become miserable and unhappy in the relationship. NOW she wants to change things.

My problem is I know the relationship is unhealthy. Everyone from my friends to my family to even her own family have pointed it out to me. I'm still madly in love with her. I fear leaving and missing her. I fear leaving and being jealous when she's inevitably with another guy. I fear feeling like I made a big mistake by leaving someone that I clearly love. Anybody else been in this spot? I can really use some good words right now 'cause...there's only so much that a guy can take.

If I'm leaving out any information vital to getting help then ask. The history is just so lengthy that I'm beyond glossing over it right now.

 

[Erzengel]

Well it sounds like this is your first real love and it's always hard when it falls through like that. There is also a comfortability which is why after being apart it was so easy to get back together.

The thing is she's very immature, despite her "baggage" and fear of abandonment, she's definitely not an expert in terms of dating. Are people capable of changing? Sometimes, but from the way you are making it sound she's not looking to change.

Communication is key. You have to set her down and assure her that you aren't leaving however, you don't like the way she's clingy, paranoid, demanding and controlling. If she refuses to change, then it's time to leave.

And yes it hard, and no you won't get over her by the next day, week, month, year, actually there may be a small part of you that will always care for her. But there comes a time when you have to stop fighting a losing battle. She will probably meet someone else but then again, so will you. That person may be such a 180 degree turn from the current girl you are with now that you'll wonder why she couldn't have come into your life before.

You're unhappy, and in the end it will inevitably effect your relationship. Talk to her, tell her how you're feeling, try and work things out. If things don't work out, then it's time to give up on her. It'll be hard and it will suck but you'll eventually dust yourself off and move on.

 

[Hound55]

What do you mean by "NOW she wants to change things."?

To be honest i sounds more like you're in love with the idea of being involved in a relationship than you are with the girl herself.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Savage, I can at least say I understand what you are going through.

I felt the same way about my ex that I spoke of a few pages back now at this point, which is why when we got back in touch with each other, I so easily fell back into it. I don't think I ever truly got over her considering the circumstances of our break up.

Good news is that since we've gotten back in touch, I've realized that she hasn't changed. But through our conversations, I feel like I've gotten the closure from her that I needed, thus I don't regret getting back in contact with her, but now that I know she hasn't changed, it's made it a lot easier to stop talking to her, and I haven't talked to her now for a couple months.

So I can at least sympathize with your situation.

 

[Anita18]

I'm just gonna be blunt with it. I've loved this girl since I was 18 (I'm 23) and we've been off and on all these years because she has major issues involving abandonment (The whole "You're going to leave me just like everybody else" shtick). She's actually been the one to leave me twice (at LEAST) because she felt it was better to leave me before I left her. We're only back together after two years because we were still in love and missed each other. We've been going out for a year and 4 months now but, to be blunt, she's so clingy, paranoid, demanding, and flat out controlling that I've become miserable and unhappy in the relationship. NOW she wants to change things.

My problem is I know the relationship is unhealthy. Everyone from my friends to my family to even her own family have pointed it out to me. I'm still madly in love with her. I fear leaving and missing her. I fear leaving and being jealous when she's inevitably with another guy. I fear feeling like I made a big mistake by leaving someone that I clearly love. Anybody else been in this spot? I can really use some good words right now 'cause...there's only so much that a guy can take.

If I'm leaving out any information vital to getting help then ask. The history is just so lengthy that I'm beyond glossing over it right now.

Dude, you've just described my first relationship. I was paranoid and clingy and demanding, all of that stuff.

But at least when I could see the end coming, a mutual friend suggested we take a break and I was like, "No, if we're gonna break up it's gotta be clean." I hate having that "what if?" hanging over my head. If it's done, then it's done, time to move on. I still loved him at the time, but I was unhappy and he was unhappy as well so it was just time to break it off. Even though we loved each other, we didn't really see eye to eye on a lot of things and we were still figuring ourselves out.

And sure, I obviously missed him and felt jealous when he started to go out with other girls and all that took a really long time to get over (a couple years), but in the end it was definitely the right decision. He's now married and ridiculously happy with his wife, and even invited me to the wedding, where I took my current bf who I've been with for about 2 years and absolutely no issues with jealousy or anything. Maybe I've matured and gotten more self-assured, maybe it's just a different kind of relationship since my bf's different from my ex. It's hard to say.

At any rate, I'm really glad that he's found happiness, even if it wasn't with me, because isn't that what you want for the people you really care about?

It isn't about the short-term stuff about being in love with someone and being afraid of missing them. You have to think long-term about your own happiness.

 

[The Squirrel]

So I may be going out to lunch on Sunday with a girl I like. I just don't know if it will be one on one or not, since it will be after church. Any advice on how to steer the conversation?

 

[Hound55]

Ask her how frequently she gets communion...

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So I may be going out to lunch on Sunday with a girl I like. I just don't know if it will be one on one or not, since it will be after church. Any advice on how to steer the conversation?

Unfortunately, that's really something that you can't get advice on. Some things you just have to improvise on the spot, and conversation is one of them. You just have to take the conversation as it comes and just go with it.

 

[Erzengel]

So I may be going out to lunch on Sunday with a girl I like. I just don't know if it will be one on one or not, since it will be after church. Any advice on how to steer the conversation?

Unfortunately, that's really something that you can't get advice on. Some things you just have to improvise on the spot, and conversation is one of them. You just have to take the conversation as it comes and just go with it.

Whether it's one on one, or not, try to sit across from her and it's always easier to keep the conversation on her. Ask her what she likes to do, where does she work, or go to school does she like, but always bring the discussion back to her by asking questions or adding a few points here and there. Make jokes when appropriate or inappropriately depending on the girl.

You always want to keep them smiling/laughing and let them talk.

 

[Savage]

What do you mean by "NOW she wants to change things."?

To be honest i sounds more like you're in love with the idea of being involved in a relationship than you are with the girl herself.

I mean that now that I'm the one who wants to leave, she doesn't care what she has to do to keep me. She's just willing to do it. Says that no matter what, being together is what matters to her and she apologizes for being a pain in the ass at times. Now to see if any of this sticks. Changes that aren't for yourself don't usually do.

And I don't think it's being involved in a relationship that I love. I have my fair share of offers from friends who say they can treat me better. It's flattering and if I wasn't so in love I'd be all over it but I am and it kills me when I make her sad.

Well it sounds like this is your first real love and it's always hard when it falls through like that. There is also a comfortability which is why after being apart it was so easy to get back together.

The thing is she's very immature, despite her "baggage" and fear of abandonment, she's definitely not an expert in terms of dating. Are people capable of changing? Sometimes, but from the way you are making it sound she's not looking to change.

Communication is key. You have to set her down and assure her that you aren't leaving however, you don't like the way she's clingy, paranoid, demanding and controlling. If she refuses to change, then it's time to leave.

And yes it hard, and no you won't get over her by the next day, week, month, year, actually there may be a small part of you that will always care for her. But there comes a time when you have to stop fighting a losing battle. She will probably meet someone else but then again, so will you. That person may be such a 180 degree turn from the current girl you are with now that you'll wonder why she couldn't have come into your life before.

You're unhappy, and in the end it will inevitably effect your relationship. Talk to her, tell her how you're feeling, try and work things out. If things don't work out, then it's time to give up on her. It'll be hard and it will suck but you'll eventually dust yourself off and move on.

That's what we're doing now. All of a sudden when I threaten to leave she's all ears. Before she'd tell me things like "Sorry I have feelings" and "Sorry that I complain" and just make excuses for herself. She still sort of does but she's making an attempt and I want to see where it leads. The woman has been quick to say that I don't love or care about her and that if I do she doesn't feel it.

 

[Erzengel]

Some people are entirely very insecure and constantly need reassurance that everything is okay and that you love them.

It gets grating after a while and you have to see if they can actually adapt.

But good luck, hope things work out. Remember it's not the end of the world if it does

 

[The Squirrel]

Whether it's one on one, or not, try to sit across from her and it's always easier to keep the conversation on her. Ask her what she likes to do, where does she work, or go to school does she like, but always bring the discussion back to her by asking questions or adding a few points here and there. Make jokes when appropriate or inappropriately depending on the girl.

You always want to keep them smiling/laughing and let them talk.

Well it didn't go so good. It was a pretty large group, but I tried to stay active with her. I even dropped a few hints/suggestions that we should keep hanging out after lunch, but she didn't accept them. Oh well, there's always next time. With whoever that will be.

 

[Figs]

Ask her how frequently she gets communion...

That or if she has any sins to confess, you know...like carnal knowledge. t:

 

[NotAHenchwench]

Ask her how frequently she gets communion...

Better yet, ask her how many times she's gone to a confessional.

 

[Prison Mike]

Just be Don Draper.

 

[Erzengel]

Well it didn't go so good. It was a pretty large group, but I tried to stay active with her. I even dropped a few hints/suggestions that we should keep hanging out after lunch, but she didn't accept them. Oh well, there's always next time. With whoever that will be.

Well you had to make sure you had an "in" before you asked her out. If she was really into what you were saying and what not, she probably would have been more receptive to going out with you.

 

[The Squirrel]

Well you had to make sure you had an "in" before you asked her out. If she was really into what you were saying and what not, she probably would have been more receptive to going out with you.

Yeah, well she wanted me to come to the service tonight. I mentioned that I wouldn't go if I had to go all the way home first because it's a long drive for me, so I offered to help her set up for the service (each small group is setting up a booth tonight). I offered twice. I figured an extra helping hand would be a casual enough offer.

 

[Erzengel]

You don't want to set yourself up too much in the friend angle and you don't want to make yourself too readily available.

 

[The Squirrel]

So how should I play it from here then? It's two weeks until the next small group meeting.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So everywhere I turn, I always hear the "girls like confidence" bit. From here. From other forums. From people I encounter in the real world.

From some of my more recent experiences (things that I haven't really mentioned in this thread) including my current situation, I am beginning to understand just how true that advice really is.

The whole "confidence" thing has gotten me dates (even if they didn't develop into anything), and perhaps has even helped me do the impossible and talk my way out of the dreaded "friend zone" - either that or better yet, was never in it to begin with.

And best of all is - sure while I might feel a sense of disappointment if the end result isn't exactly what I was shooting for - the fact is, it doesn't bother me so much cuz the confidence isn't really fake. Someone replied to me once about the intimidation factor, that if you're intimidated by women you're probably just intimidated by people in general - and that used to be true of me. But recently, including the situation I'm in now, I am finding myself saying and doing things with people that I never would have done before. I'm being much more outgoing than I ever was before. End results aside, I'm rather impressed with myself, with the way I've noticed myself dealing with situations and stuff lately. Outside of even just the dating world, I find myself walking away from situations telling myself "Wow - I never would have done that before"

 

[Hound55]

So everywhere I turn, I always hear the "girls like confidence" bit. From here. From other forums. From people I encounter in the real world.

From some of my more recent experiences (things that I haven't really mentioned in this thread) including my current situation, I am beginning to understand just how true that advice really is.

The whole "confidence" thing has gotten me dates (even if they didn't develop into anything), and perhaps has even helped me do the impossible and talk my way out of the dreaded "friend zone" - either that or better yet, was never in it to begin with.

And best of all is - sure while I might feel a sense of disappointment if the end result isn't exactly what I was shooting for - the fact is, it doesn't bother me so much cuz the confidence isn't really fake. Someone replied to me once about the intimidation factor, that if you're intimidated by women you're probably just intimidated by people in general - and that used to be true of me. But recently, including the situation I'm in now, I am finding myself saying and doing things with people that I never would have done before. I'm being much more outgoing than I ever was before. End results aside, I'm rather impressed with myself, with the way I've noticed myself dealing with situations and stuff lately. Outside of even just the dating world, I find myself walking away from situations telling myself "Wow - I never would have done that before"

 

[Erzengel]

So how should I play it from here then? It's two weeks until the next small group meeting.

How friendly are you with her? Actually go through how you know her please?