*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Lord Valumart]

Ok, so there's this girl at work who I posted about before about giving advice. Now, we've been flirting a bit and we get on at work. Thing is a lot of the friends I have at work don't like her and got annoyed with me when I asked her to a poker night a few weeks back.

Main thing is that one minutes we're flirting and the next she's all standoffish against everyone. It's really confusing me. I mean I'd ask her out properly if I could get some consistant feelings from her, but she changes constantly.

Any advice?

 

[Erzengel]

My advice is either become a mind reader, or ask her out.

 

[AndThePickles]

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

I'm looking at it from experience of two out of the three outcomes, all of them being:

1) They remain friends
2) They hook up
3) Their friendship is over

I have experience in the last two outcomes, and do feel that if this ruins their friendship then it wasn't as strong as he thinks it was in the first place.

This of course is not really to fault the girl - it'll be totally understandable if she gets weirded out by his lie of omission, but if they care about their friendship, then they should be able to work past it.

From a woman's perspective, I can tell you that having your male friend like you romantically can easily ruin the friendship, because he isn't viewing you as "just a friend." It can cause tension, all-around weirdness, and jealousy problems when the woman starts dating someone else. It has nothing to do with the strength of the friendship on the woman's end, rather, that the male is not satisfied with mere friendship. The man in these cases usually isn't being a true friend; he's staying in the friendship due to hoping for more.

 

[JStorm]

Ok, so there's this girl at work who I posted about before about giving advice. Now, we've been flirting a bit and we get on at work. Thing is a lot of the friends I have at work don't like her and got annoyed with me when I asked her to a poker night a few weeks back.

Main thing is that one minutes we're flirting and the next she's all standoffish against everyone. It's really confusing me. I mean I'd ask her out properly if I could get some consistant feelings from her, but she changes constantly.

Any advice?

Erz is right. It appears she is playing 'he who cares least.' I would say play back, but that needs to be your style.

Basically, if you have been overtly flirting with her, tone it down. Take a step back, review the situation, gather your plans, then check mate.

 

[Spider-Who?]

From a woman's perspective, I can tell you that having your male friend like you romantically can easily ruin the friendship, because he isn't viewing you as "just a friend." It can cause tension, all-around weirdness, and jealousy problems when the woman starts dating someone else. It has nothing to do with the strength of the friendship on the woman's end, rather, that the male is not satisfied with mere friendship. The man in these cases usually isn't being a true friend; he's staying in the friendship due to hoping for more.

Yes, but like I've said several times, its how they handle the situation and work past it, or not at all that will define the friendship.

Its totally understandable for the woman (or guy if roles were flipped) to be uncomfortable and upset (and by no means am I trying to lay the success of said friendship on one person. Its a mutual thing). The problems you described above are very real and logical issues, but all can be overcome, or completely avoided if discussed and handled properly.

In other words, if they are able to overcome the "weirdness" and all the other crap, it shows that their friendship is strong and worthy of keeping. If the person just up and runs off without trying to figure things out, then, IMO, it shows that the friendship wasn't as strong, and with that in mind, one shouldn't feel so awful if that is the ultimate outcome.

 

[AndThePickles]

Yes, but like I've said several times, its how they handle the situation and work past it, or not at all that will define the friendship.

Its totally understandable for the woman (or guy if roles were flipped) to be uncomfortable and upset (and by no means am I trying to lay the success of said friendship on one person. Its a mutual thing). The problems you described above are very real and logical issues, but all can be overcome, or completely avoided if discussed and handled properly.

In other words, if they are able to overcome the "weirdness" and all the other crap, it shows that their friendship is strong and worthy of keeping. If the person just up and runs off without trying to figure things out, then, IMO, it shows that the friendship wasn't as strong, and with that in mind, one shouldn't feel so awful if that is the ultimate outcome.

But they're in high school And I don't say that to be a smartass, but high school relationships/friendships often go with extremes, not compromises.

 

[Lord Valumart]

My advice is either become a mind reader, or ask her out.

Being a mind reader would be awesome... I'd totally use if for personal gain...

Erz is right. It appears she is playing 'he who cares least.' I would say play back, but that needs to be your style.

Basically, if you have been overtly flirting with her, tone it down. Take a step back, review the situation, gather your plans, then check mate.

So what is this game of "who cares least" exactly?

 

[Spider-Who?]

But they're in high school And I don't say that to be a smartass, but high school relationships/friendships often go with extremes, not compromises.

Oh really? I didn't know that. I tend to imagine everyone here is in their mid to late 20s like me

Another thing that is an important factor (probably THE most important factor), is how he's able to handle/conduct himself if she says no. Is he able to swallow his feelings and admit to himself that it will never be and move on? Or will he be secretly pinning after her for the remainder of the friendship, and ultimately causing himself pain and frustration that will ultimately ruin the friendship worse than her saying "ew! i'd never date you" and running away? He needs to be able to accept her response and move on.

 

[Erzengel]

I'll be honest here. If there was a woman that I really liked and we were friends and I started developing feelings for her and she didn't reciprocate, I'd move on because I'm not one for settling.

Now that doesn't mean that if I'm with someone new or dating that I couldn't go back and become friends with them. I just know I couldn't be "friends" with a girl I had feelings for especially if she was the only woman in my life .

 

[Spider-Who?]

Being a mind reader would be awesome... I'd totally use if for personal gain...


So what is this game of "who cares least" exactly?

i think they mean "i'm going to act like i couldn't care less about you so you want me more and will make a move". Utterly immature behavior. Won't help anything.

 

[Lord Valumart]

i think they mean "i'm going to act like i couldn't care less about you so you want me more and will make a move". Utterly immature behavior. Won't help anything.

Ah, that makes sense. Thats just a bloody stupid thing to do...

But damnit it works

 

[JStorm]

So what is this game of "who cares least" exactly?

Make no mistake, this is a game and if you're not into games, then don't do it.

It's almost like ignoring her, without going full-blown-middle-school-tactics. Again, if you KNOW you've overtly flirted with her in the past, take it down a notch or two. If you are in the custom of talking once a day - outside of work - or texting several times a day, notch it down.

Example: If you are directly flirted with an ambiguous flirt back is key. Nothing too over the top, nor do you want to straight ignore her. This is also key when literally flirting with her. This part takes some skill. If you do say something, as soon as it's said and she recognizes you've flirted, play it off. No need to be an ass about this part, but be smooth.


Conversely, I tend to agree with Erz about this mostly, and here's why: if she is not into you and you do play the game, it might back fire and she'll just want what she "can't have." Once the having is "got" she might lose interest. Once in any relationship, "he who cares least" is a act of war - serious.

 

[JStorm]

i think they mean "i'm going to act like i couldn't care less about you so you want me more and will make a move". Utterly immature behavior. Won't help anything.

Not if played correctly. It's more of an information getter, without the embarrassment. It's not for everyone, and shouldn't be used in every relationship situation.

Call it immature, if you like, but playing chess just got me back with the one woman I never thought I would see again. Fact - she was playing too, as to obtain information. **** works, brah.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Not if played correctly. It's more of an information getter, without the embarrassment. It's not for everyone, and shouldn't be used in every relationship situation.

Call it immature, if you like, but playing chess just got me back with the one woman I never thought I would see again. Fact - she was playing too, as to obtain information. **** works, brah.

Well, there's a difference between acting apathetic towards someone and ignoring them like the poster described, and using a situation to show that you aren't dependent on someone to have a good time (ie: talking to a chick for a little at the bar, and then saying 'hey, i'm going to go play darts with my bud" just as the conversation gets interesting).

 

[JStorm]

Well, there's a difference between acting apathetic towards someone and ignoring them like the poster described, and using a situation to show that you aren't dependent on someone to have a good time (ie: talking to a chick for a little at the bar, and then saying 'hey, i'm going to go play darts with my bud" just as the conversation gets interesting).

That's in chapter three.

 

[Spider-Who?]

That's in chapter three.

ah, you've read my book?

 

[LOBO3315a]

I guess I've heard the 'Let's just be friends' speech too many times, in which I tried to be a good friend, and she winds up hooking up with a friend of mine and totally ignoring me, afterwards. I've never had much luck with 'Just being friends', so whenever I hear that, I get on down the road.

As for 'He who cares the least', while it may be immature behavior, it does work, espically on self centered people. It makes people wonder what you have going on that's more interesting than they are. And it allows you to have the dignity to pursue your own life, without showing that you are pining for the person in question. AND, you just might find a different person that appriceates your independance.

 

[Firm18]

I don't usually ask for advice in these situations but - I've been hooking up with girls for the last couple of months but it's getting boring.
Problem is I'm in Uni and I hardly have time for anything damn it.

But there is this one girl, I don't know though if shes into me.
She wanted to meet up, hardly knew her so I agreed, I wasn't even into her back then, she just wanted to chat so I thought I may as well go out somewhere, and when I saw her I though "WOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?" all of a sudden she was interesting and got 10 times prettier.

So then she wanted me to go to a party with her (the same eve) and it appeared it wasn't really a party just to hang out with her friends. Went there, though, aight it's cool but then went home, but she kept begging me to stay and etc.

So yeah, I'm not really sure whats going on.
See, before I met up with her back then I would chat with her, and I didn't find her neither cool or hot so it was whatever. And she kept telling me that I'm completely different to every other guy she met, that I'm interesting and etc, and I didn't care, but now I do.

So I keep ignoring her from time to time so she doesn't get bored of me, since I think I wanna hook up but I'm also doing everything not to get into the friend zone (because the past "me" was an idiot and didn't care about her and might of done some foolish things).

How does it sound? Is she into me or shes trying to be friends?

 

[Firm18]

I don't usually ask for advice in these situations but - I've been hooking up with girls for the last couple of months but it's getting boring.
Problem is I'm in Uni and I hardly have time for anything damn it.

But there is this one girl, I don't know though if shes into me.
She wanted to meet up, hardly knew her so I agreed, I wasn't even into her back then, she just wanted to chat so I thought I may as well go out somewhere, and when I saw her I though "WOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?" all of a sudden she was interesting and got 10 times prettier.

So then she wanted me to go to a party with her (the same eve) and it appeared it wasn't really a party just to hang out with her friends. Went there, though, aight it's cool but then went home, but she kept begging me to stay and etc.

So yeah, I'm not really sure whats going on.
See, before I met up with her back then I would chat with her, and I didn't find her neither cool or hot so it was whatever. And she kept telling me that I'm completely different to every other guy she met, that I'm interesting and etc, and I didn't care, but now I do.

So I keep ignoring her from time to time so she doesn't get bored of me, since I think I wanna hook up but I'm also doing everything not to get into the friend zone (because the past "me" was an idiot and didn't care about her and might of done some foolish things).

How does it sound? Is she into me or shes trying to be friends?

 

[Spider-Who?]

now what you gotta do is...call her up, tell her you're sorry you're being an idiot, and then go to her house and bang it out.

But seriously, yeah, that whole 'begging you to stay" and "'your so different than any guy i've met'" stuff...she's totally smacking you over the head with a bag of "lets bang it out" bricks.

 

[enterthemadness]

Guys and gals, is it good or bad that I mostly feel my first kiss on lips....should be with a woman I've dated for a while? Or just somehow get it over with?

 

[Spider-Who?]

....what ever you feel is right for you.

 

[Erzengel]

Guys and gals, is it good or bad that I mostly feel my first kiss on lips....should be with a woman I've dated for a while? Or just somehow get it over with?

Take what you can get.

 

[enterthemadness]

....what ever you feel is right for you.

The few chances I've had for it would have been horrible meaningless. At same time, I do want to get it over with...but I can't just go up to women and ask for it. Women can do that, but we men can't.

 

[Bruce Banner]

The few chances I've had for it would have been horrible meaningless. At same time, I do want to get it over with...but I can't just go up to women and ask for it. Women can do that, but we men can't.

Not trying to be mean to ETM but

A lot of peoples lives are gonna be filled with horrible or meaningless moments and days that are wasted in a calender chock full of nothing.

You say you want to get it over with. You could take these meaningless chances as a "practice round". So when you finally meet somebody you like it won't feel as awkward to you.

Then again with it being your first kiss, I understand you not wanting it to have any value once so ever.

Just ponder it over some more.