Stupid People Doing Stupid Things Thread - Part 2

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Cool Selfie Stick Ruined by Phone Call

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A woman who recently visited Buckingham Palace ended up on top of a very popular Reddit thread after removing one glove and answering—or placing?—a call with the selfie stick still attached to her phone. If only we all had the same panache.

http://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/31ql5j/how_to_look_even_more_idiot_with_the_selfie_stick/

Idiot
 
Five Texas Firefighters Accused of Sodomizing Trainee With Sausage

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Five volunteer firefighters in Waxahachie, Texas were arrested by police this week after allegedly bending a trainee over and sodomizing him with a chorizo sausage.

The firefighters, identified as Lt. Alec Chase Miller, 28, Lt. Keith Edward Wisakowsky, 26; Casey Joe Stafford, 30; Preston Thomas Peyrot, 19; and Blake Jerold Tucker, 19, allegedly sodomized a trainee, identified in the arrest affidavit as "John Doe #72," with a chorizo sausage as part of a hazing ritual. From the Waxahachie Daily Light:

John Doe #72 state that on Jan. 20, Black Jerold Tucker, Casey Joe Stafford, and Keith Edward Wisakowsky bent him down over a coach and held him face down. Wisakowsky left to retrieve a package of chorizo sausage from a refrigerator. Black Tucker and Casey Stafford held him down and pulled down his pants. John Doe #72 stated that he was released after the others sexually assaulted him with a foreign object, and he crawled into a nearby bathroom and threw up.​

The chorizo was allegedly chosen after an idea to use a wooden broomstick to sodomize John Doe was abandoned ("I have something better," one apparently said.)

The hazing apparently didn't stop there. According to court documents, John Doe had his clothes stolen by his fellow firefighters while he was in the shower washing off the vomit and chorizo. He had to run out to his car, naked, to get a pair of shorts.

In reported video of the incident obtained by the Texas Rangers, WFAA reports, the firefighters can be seen "yelling and laughing with excitement" as they haze John Doe.

The five firefighters were arrested by police Monday and charged with aggravated sexual assault; a sixth person, Brittany Leanne Parten, 23, was also arrested by police and charged with improper photography or visual recording.​

http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/201...ed-on-aggravated-sexual-assault-charges.html/

Why would anyone think this is okay? The hell is wrong with these morons?
 
Professor Accidentally Sent "Interesting" Anal Bead Porn to Her Students

Who among us is truly innocent? Who among us hasn't pasted a link into an email's compose field, only to realize that it doesn't refer to the really interesting article we'd intended to send, but to an extremely graphic Pornhub video entitled "SHE LOVES HER ANAL BEADS?" Last week, Lisa McElroy, a professor at Drexel University's law school, made a mistake that any of us could have made—a mistake for which she's now being punished.

On March 31, McElroy sent an email to her pupils at Drexel's Thomas R. Kline School of Law under the header "great article on writing briefs." The text of the email mostly delivered on the innocuous promise of the subject line, except that the link directed to the aforementioned porn clip, not the brief-writing article.

The abject mortification the professor surely felt upon realizing her error should be punishment enough—you'll get through this, McElroy, even if it doesn't seem that way now—but as the blog Above the Law notes, she's now the subject of an investigation from Drexel's administration. According to ATL's tipster, she's been placed on leave while the higher-ups decide whether she violated the school's sexual harassment policy. All for an accidental handful of beads.

The video, for what it's worth, is still available on Pornhub. "Thanks Harvard teacher," reads the clip's top comment, published today. Wrong esteemed American educational institution, but a touching show of solidarity nonetheless.

http://abovethelaw.com/2015/04/law-...w-under-investigation/?show=comments#comments

Well that's embarrassing
 
Floridians Won't Stop Drowning Tortoises They're Trying to "Set Free"

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Gopher tortoises, who enjoy being on land where they're able to maintain such basic functions as breathing and not dying, cannot swim. Which is why Florida would like to ask its residents to stop "helping" the tortoises find their way to the ocean's cold, watery depths.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission received multiple reports of well-meaning tortoise murders in the past month. Apparently, Floridians have been confusing the tortoises with more water-friendly sea turtles, which have flippers and will not immediately drown upon being dropped into the ocean.

If you yourself are concerned that the turtle you're about to "free" might, in fact, not be a turtle, the FWC recommends that you stop playing god and leave the damn thing alone.

http://www.scrippsmedia.com/fox4now/news/FWC-Stop-putting-gopher-tortoises-in-water-298613961.html

I understand helping them cross a street but why the hell are these idiots just throwing them in the damn ocean?
 
Sea World Assures You Its Whales Are Happy as Whales Cower in Fear

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Mammal torture porn operator Sea World is launching a new ad campaign to assure you, the onetime Sea World patron who's been eaten alive by guilt ever since you saw Blackfish, that everything is A-OK with those whales. They love whales!

The ad you see above—which the financially struggling Sea World corporation is presumably counting on to save their business from ruin—consists of two Sea World employees facing the camera and assuring you that Sea World's whales are "healthy" and "thriving." "I wouldn't work here if they weren't," a Sea World employee being paid to appear in a Sea World ad assures you, reading from a script.

Well I guess all that bad stuff they did is over now then.

http://gawker.com/sea-world-assures-you-its-whales-are-happy-as-whales-co-1696210826

F*** SeaWorld, they need to be shut down
 
Massachusetts Cops Pay Hacker Ransom to Get Their Own Computers Back

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Like middle school children stuffed into their own lockers, the Tewksbury, Mass., police department resorted to paying off hackers who locked them out of their own computer files.

According to a Boston Globe report, Tewksbury's finest were the latest targets in a string of "ransomware" attacks, wherein hackers trick victims into downloading software that encrypts their entire computer. File encryption is a terrific way to keep intruders out of your computer, but in these cases, the hackers are the only ones with the decryption key:

At first, the problems with the Tewksbury Police Department system — difficulty calling up arrest and incident records — seemed to be just the usual system crankiness. No big deal.

But it persisted, and a technician was called in.

That was when the menacing message popped up on the screen, an explanation in the form of a ransom note:

“Your personal files are encrypted,” it read. “File decryption costs ~ $500.”

It continued: “If you really value your data, then we suggest you do not waste valuable time searching for other solutions because they do not exist.”​

Ideally, ransomware targets will just tell their attackers to **** off, because they've backed up their files as conventional wisdom has dictated for the past couple of decades. But the Tewksbury P.D. was not so lucky, or smart:

The cyberattack on Tewksbury police proved so sophisticated that specialists from federal and state law enforcement agencies — plus two private Internet security firms — could not unscramble the corrupted files. After five days of desperate efforts to unlock it, Tewksbury police decided to pay the anonymous hacker the $500.​

The ransom was paid in bitcoin, of course, and will guarantee that the humiliating extortion technique is used over and over again in the future—because hey, it works!

http://www.bostonglobe.com/business...l?hootPostID=4eeeb0f3aaa4b87b16d3f2ab8aea38ca

That's hilarious, I bet ya someone at the station has a nasty porn habit
 
Some Idiot Said Bye-Bye to $1.2 Million For "American Pie" Manuscript

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On the list of Worst Ways to Spend $1.2 Million Dollars, buying Don McLean's original manuscript to the 1971 classic "American Pie" is probably in the top fifty, if not top ten. You can buy a house or a speedboat or a flock of exotic birds for a fraction of that kinda money, but some dummy would rather just have an old stack of papers.

The Associated Press reports that an unnamed bidder bought the manuscript and notes to "American Pie" in an auction at Christie's on Tuesday. The buyer spent over one million dollars on sixteen pages of "the original working manuscript and typed drafts of the song."

McLean said writing "American Pie" was like "a mystical trip into his past," the AP reports. Here's a video of the song (with Lyrics), which we will gratefully provide to you for free. Interpret them however you see fit.

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http://bigstory.ap.org/article/1f60...-mcleans-american-pie-could-bring-15m-auction

Wish I had that kind of money to blow
 
"Scientology's Captive" John Travolta Says He Won't See Going Clear

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John Travolta, who was heavily featured in HBO's Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief, has finally spoken out about the shocking documentary exposé. When asked by the Tampa Bay Times yesterday if he'd seen the film, he said, "No, I haven't, and I don't really care to." He thinks Scientology is "beautiful."

Travolta did not address specific claims put forth in Going Clear, like the assertion that the Church has trapped him by threatening to release secrets he revealed during private "auditing" sessions. He did say, however, that the documentary is a product of "people who were disgruntled with their experiences."

One of those people is Spanky Taylor, Travolta's ex-friend who says in Going Clear that Travolta did not help her get out of an abusive situation in the Church.

Travolta told the Times that he won't speak out against (alleged) abuses in Scientology, because he hasn't "experienced" them: "I haven't experienced anything that the hearsay has [claimed], so why would I communicate something that wasn't true for me? It wouldn't make sense, nor would it for Tom, I imagine."

That's Tom Cruise, of course, who once had a secret Scientology girlfriend, according to Going Clear.

Travolta insisted that not only has Scientology helped him, it's helped him help other people:

I've been so happy with my [Scientology] experience in the last 40 years that I really don't have anything to say that would shed light on [a documentary] so decidedly negative. I've been brought through storms that were insurmountable, and [Scientology has] been so beautiful for me, that I can't even imagine attacking it. ...

I've helped so many people through hard times. Loss of children, loved ones, physical illnesses. Through many tough, tough life situations I've used the technology to support them and help them. It's always worked.​

Cruise has yet to speak out about the documentary.

http://www.tampabay.com/things-to-d...with-scientology-wont-see-going-clear/2224359

Xenu forbid you view anything that challenges your world view
 
Two Georgia Prison Guards Resign After Photo of Beaten Inmate Leaks

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Two prison guards from Al Burruss Correctional Training Center in Forsyth, Ga. resigned from their positions Monday after a photo of a beaten teenage inmate kneeling on the floor with a makeshift leash tied around his neck spread across Facebook last week.

The teen in the photo has been identified, the Atlanta Journal Constitution reports, as 18-year-old Cortez Berry, who is currently serving an eight-and-a-half-year sentence for aggravated assault, robbery, and theft of a motor vehicle. He was reportedly beaten by "at least" 10 other inmates and then forced to pose for the now viral photo, apparently taken on a contraband cell phone.

Berry's family told NBC News that after seeing the photo on Facebook, they went to the prison to investigate, but "the guards were unaware that he had been beaten." The teen's attorney also said that Berry was beaten after he allegedly refused to join a prison gang called the Gangster Disciples; he has since been transferred to Macon State Prison after a brief stint in the "notoriously violent" Smith State Prison.

The two other inmates depicted in the photo have also been transferred out of Burruss, prison officials confirmed to Fox Atlanta. The names of the guards that resigned have not been released.

http://www.ajc.com/news/news/corrections-officers-on-duty-during-viral-jail-bea/nknqh/

Not the first time someone got their ass kicked in jail and I imagine it won't be the last
 
Breast Milk Bought on the Internet Might Not Be Legit

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In a sad and shocking indication of our society's decline, a new research paper claims that something as simple as human breast milk purchased on the internet (of all places!) might not always be as advertised.

According to the study published in Pediatrics on Monday, one in 10 samples of the white stuff bought on "popular milk-sharing websites" contained significant amounts of bovine DNA, suggesting dilution with disgusting cow's milk.

"We confirmed that all of the samples did have human DNA in them, but they were not 100% human breast milk," lead author Sarah A. Keim told the L.A. Times. "One of our samples was almost half and half formula and milk."

As a result of her findings, Keim recommends that parents "don’t buy [random weirdos' breast] milk on the internet" at all, which, to this author at least, is a terrifying thought. Because if you can't trust your online human milk dealer, who can you trust?

http://pediatrics.aappublications.o...ract?sid=cdbe44af-4aa8-47d6-b311-38df78377444

There is seriously a market for this? Why would you ever want to put another persons milk in your baby?
 
Porn Star Accused of Extorting $500,000 From Unnamed Wealthy Businessman

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Prosecutors say a well-known gay porn actor tried to extort millions out of a wealthy, secretive businessman, only to end up in jail on felony charges.

Teofil Brank, known to the public as Jarec Wentworth, was reportedly arrested in March when he demanded the keys to an Audi R8 and $1,000,000 from an FBI agent pretending to represent the anonymous businessman—identified only as "D.B." in court papers.

Reports the Los Angeles Times:

According to a sworn affidavit, Brank began sending D.B. text messages on Feb. 16, demanding $500,000 cash and the man’s Audi sports car.

The adult performer pledged to post photos and other details of the man’s trysts through his Twitter account, according to the affidavit. Prosecutors say Brank published a damaging comment online about the unidentified man, then removed it.

“I’m just going to bite hard,” Brank said in a text message to the man, according to court documents. “I want a new car, motorcycle and both hands full of cash.”

D.B. complied, wiring money and handing over the car, but Brank’s demands continued, prosecutors said.​

Now Brank's attorneys are pushing hard to get D.B.'s full name on the record, claiming it's a matter of public interest because he had been paying Brank for sex.

According to My NewsLA.com, lawyers for Brank filed a sworn affidavit claiming the businessman's name had already been mentioned on at least one blog. And indeed, several websites—including a popular blog—hedgingly name MagicJack entrepreneur and Republican donor Donald Burns as D.B.

Last week a judge attempted to compel prosecutors to identify the man on the record, which his attorneys appealed. The matter is currently pending.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-gay-porn-blackmail-20150401-story.html

I guess the lesson here is if you're going to blackmail rich people don't get greedy?
 
100-Year-Old Man Decides Now's as Good a Time as Any to Do a Murder

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Prosecutors in New Jersey say a 100-year-old man was behind a grisly murder-suicide this weekend.

According to the AP, centenarian Michael Juskin still had the strength to murder his 88-year-old wife, Rosalia, with an ax before killing himself with a knife.

Friends tell the news outlet there was a "history of domestic issues" in the marriage, and although one neighbor says she often saw the couple "putzing around outside," another tells CBS Juskin had some mental issues.

They were reportedly discovered Monday by the couple's son.

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/a7bc...tor-100-year-old-man-killed-wife-ax-then-self

What a crazy story, I know if I make it to 100 and you cross me there may be some murder going down
 
Las Vegas Man Blames Suicide on Losing Lifetime Pass for Free Buffet

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The man who shot himself at the M Resort this past Sunday blamed his suicide on being banned from the buffet that had once promised him free meals for life, according to an indexed, 270-page suicide note mailed to the Las Vegas Review Journal.

His final message, which was supplemented by both photographs and DVDs, attributes his depression to the "M Resort Spa Casino and its employees," who had awarded him free meals for life before banning him once he began to harass some of the hotel's female employees. From the Review Journal:

“Today, I end my life due to the M Resort Spa Casino and its employees,” Noble wrote in one of two suicide notes he included with an obsessively detailed dossier on the people he blamed for destroying his life....

The second to last page, titled “The Curse,” spells out all the harm he wishes on those he believed wronged him. Included on the list are several women who worked at M Resort’s Studio B Buffet and who Noble showered with gifts and unwanted attention after he won meals for life there in September 2010.​

The note also describes a suicide threat he'd made back on Easter of 2013, just a few weeks after he first lost his buffet privileges, which resulted in brief stay at a state psychiatric hospital.

No one else was injured during the shooting, though witnesses were obviously traumatized.

"Families must have been terrified," one bystander said. "Kids shouldn’t have to experience that, no one should."

http://www.reviewjournal.com/news/las-vegas/suicide-m-resort-blamed-loss-free-buffet-life

What a psycho
 
New stamp features fake quote from Maya Angelou

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Today the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new stamp honoring writer Maya Angelou. The only problem? The quote featured on the stamp isn't hers.

The stamp has an image of Angelou, along with the quote: "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." The quote actually comes from a 1967 book of poetry by author Joan Walsh Anglund called A Cup in the Sun.

Anglund's original quote used "he" instead of "it" to refer to the bird. But for what it's worth, Anglund isn't upset about the misattribution, telling the Washington Post that she wasn't aware that the stamp was being made but that she hopes it's successful.

Earlier this morning First Lady Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were on hand in Washington to help unveil the stamp. The President even misattributed the quote to Angelou in a 2013 speech — an error that nobody seems to have caught at the time.

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"Had we known about this issue beforehand, we would have used one of [Angelou's] many other works," a spokesperson for the Postal Service told the Washington Post. "The sentence held great meaning for her and she is publicly identified with its popularity."

So who's to blame? The U.S. Postal Service, of course. But probably the internet as well. A quick search through Google Books reveals that the quote wasn't attributed to Angelou in the 20th century. Which means this attribution really only took off in the past decade or so on the internet, where attribution of quotes to the wrong person tends to spread like wildfire.

As Albert Einstein once said, "Never trust a quote you found on the internet."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifes...d31934-dcc8-11e4-acfe-cd057abefa9a_story.html

All the money at the governments hands and they can't hire a fact checker?
 
Rand Paul's "NSA Spy Cam Blocker" Might As Well Be Masking Tape

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Trained ophthalmologist Rand Paul wins the chucklegoof-of-the-day award today. Not because he’s running for president, though! But rather because the United States senator is selling an “NSA Spy Cam Blocker” in his little fundraising store for $15. But of course a little bit of buzz-hungry fundraising will not actually stop the government from spying on you.

The idea is simple and familiar. If you put this little piece of Rand-branded plastic over your laptop’s front-facing webcam, you can effectively block a hacker or spy from tapping into the feed and watching you type. “Safe and practical,” says Dr. Paul’s copywriter. Almost as practical as a piece of masking tape!

Yes, the NSA can technically take over your webcam by deploying malware, and yes, that sucks. But the overreach of the U.S. intelligence apparatus is certainly even more widespread than what the Snowden documents detail. More than protection, that little piece of plastic is a reminder that if the NSA really wanted to spy on you, the agency could listen through your laptop’s microphone, log your keystrokes, or read your emails.

A spy cam blocker is a clever twist on the old campaign button cliché, and an over-priced one at that. Just go grab a piece of masking tape. But more importantly, remember that’s not a solution; it’s a band-aid.

http://thehill.com/policy/technology/238070-rand-paul-sells-nsa-spy-cam-blocker

I think it speaks volumes as to the intelligence level of the people he plans on having vote for him
 
Helicopter Pilot Crashed After Fooling Around on FaceTime

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A helicopter pilot was goofing off on FaceTime shortly before a fatal crash, according to a lawsuit filed by a surviving passenger.

The plaintiff, Jonathan Desouza, was getting a flying lesson from pilot Luis Aviles through Palm Beach Helicopters last December when things went horribly wrong. The helicopter crashed while Aviles was showing Desouza a simulated emergency situation that quickly turned into a real one. The lawsuit characterizes Aviles’ actions as “grossly negligent” and describes how he played around with his iPhone as he controlled the helicopter:

According to the suit, Aviles was playing around with his phone before the crash, FaceTiming when he should have been paying attention.​

Now, this is Desouza’s word against a dead man’s, and nothing has been proven. The National Transportation Safety Board is investigating, but says it could take over a year to determine why the crash went down. Its preliminary report doesn’t mention anything about the phone as a factor.

But pilots playing around with personal tech in the cockpit has been a problem for a while, and even though the FAA banned personal electronics in cockpits last year, it hasn’t stopped distracted flying tragedies from taking place. A few months ago, federal investigators discovered that the pilot of a small plane had crashed because he was distracted taking selfies and using his phone.

http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/new...ng-caused-deadly-crash-lawsuit-claims-6926379

You would think pilots wouldn't be this stupid
 
Rand Paul's "NSA Spy Cam Blocker" Might As Well Be Masking Tape

I think it speaks volumes as to the intelligence level of the people he plans on having vote for him

I bought three...

Are you saying they might not work? :(
 
A Bunch of Dumb Teens Just Ruined Spring Break For Everyone

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In a story straight out of the second act of a high school graduation movie, a *****in' spring break in the Gulf of Mexico was ruined this weekend when Alabama police busted a group of teens hauling their fun juice across state lines.

But even though the teens were forced to forfeit what amounts to quite a bit of beer money—not all of it theirs, doubtless—it seems like these dumb kids did everything they could to get caught. Via the Baton Rouge Advocate:

First, they broke traffic laws:

The students, Harrison Coogan, 18; Brandon Barber, 19; Hunter Coker, 18; and Carson Buckner, 19, were on Interstate 10 in a Ford pickup that was towing a trailer with an expired tag when they were stopped by deputies, said Lori Myles, a Mobile County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman.​

Then they consented to a search?!??!??????

During the stop, the pickup’s driver gave deputies consent to search the trailer, where authorities found nearly 2,000 beers, five liters of boxed wine and eight bottles of liquor, Myles said.​

Among the confiscated alcoholic beverages were 106 18-packs of Natural Light beer, five 12-packs of Corona beer and five liters of Franzia boxed wine. Several bottles of tequila, vodka, whiskey and rum also were collected by deputies.​

And then they narced on their friends???????

The students, who identified themselves to deputies as fraternity members, were en route to the beach to meet “a larger group of people for the week of spring break,” Myles said.​

Dang. Might have to watch the festivities from home this year boys.

http://theadvocate.com/news/12042607-123/report-underaged-louisiana-college-students

Sounds like someone was going to die from alcohol poisoning
 
I'm ashamed to admit that I gave the same answer when I watched it last week. :facepalm:
 
Im so excited my favorite reality tv show is returning: Election 2016: GOP Herpa Derp:awesome:
 
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