The Dirty Joke Thread

Discussion in 'SHH Community Forum' started by rodhulk, Sep 24, 2005.

  1. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this b!tch!".
     
  2. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

    Doctor: What was the problem?

    Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

    Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
     
  3. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    One day at home, a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

    She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

    The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

    So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

    Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

    Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

    A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

    Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
     
  4. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

    Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

    Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."
     
  5. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

    So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

    "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

    She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

    Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
     
  6. JLBats

    JLBats The boney king of nowhere

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    LMAO. This is the first one I laughed at:D
     
  7. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another one (funny but true.....!)

    A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
     
  8. C-$

    C-$ Registered

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    Nice!:up:
     
  9. rodhulk

    rodhulk Registered

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    Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says, "How the heck are we gonna get drunk today? I only got forty cents."

    Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says "Come on. Let's got to the bar."

    When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it in. Then he says "Follow me," and they walk into the bar.

    He orders two Rum & Coke, and they drink them down. When the bartender says "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says "Get out of here, you homos!"

    Fifteen bars later, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says "Listen, it was a great idea I had. We got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore."

    Manny says, "You can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar!"
     
  10. Themanofbat

    Themanofbat Never Mind the Buttocks...

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    Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

    He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

    Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?”

    He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”
     
  11. Themanofbat

    Themanofbat Never Mind the Buttocks...

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    A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
    Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
    Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
    Why are you here?"
    Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
    Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
    Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
    Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped." :D
     
  12. Themanofbat

    Themanofbat Never Mind the Buttocks...

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    A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
    The cop asked, "What's he like?"
    The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big ****."

    :)
     
  13. Themanofbat

    Themanofbat Never Mind the Buttocks...

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    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
    He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
    He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
    The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

    He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!"

    :rolleyes:
     
  14. Themanofbat

    Themanofbat Never Mind the Buttocks...

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    A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

    :)
     
  15. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    ^Nice!

    Another:

    On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

    She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
     
  16. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
     
  17. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    I love this one:

    A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

    With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the $h!t house door off a tuna boat!"
     
  18. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Another:

    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real *******, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

    He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old *****." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

    He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
     
  19. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    Here's two more then i'm done for now:

    A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my a$$ in line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this f***ing' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the f***ing manager okay? I mean what kind of $h!t is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this god-damned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this f***ing check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this f***ing b!tch won't help you?!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Another:

    A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a $h!t. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of $h!t sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his a$$.
     
  20. unknownuser

    unknownuser nuʞuoʍunsǝɹ

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    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

    "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

    After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

    "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
     
  21. Fry's Girl!!

    Fry's Girl!! Futurama Fan

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    :eek: Ewwww :eek:

    ...


    ...


    But still funny.
     
  22. TheSumOfGod

    TheSumOfGod Registered

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    I have one that will seem a little racist towards black people, but if you read it all the way to the end, you'll realize that it was a little racist towards WHITE people instead (Mods, if you don't like it, just delete it and send me a message, PLEASE don't ban me, I REALLY don't think this is offensive):


    Two black guys are walking down the street, and suddenly they see a medical clinic with a sign saying: "Become WHITE in ONE HOUR for only 99 CENTS!".

    The first black guy turns to his friend and says: "Wow! Finally, the solution to all our problems, and only for 99 cents! I've got one dollar, how much do you have?"

    "Dammit! I've got only 98 cents!"

    "I tell you what: I'll go in first, give them my dollar, and get a penny back! That way, when I come out an hour later, I'll give you the penny, so you'll be able to become white too!"

    They agree, and the black guy with a dollar goes in first, and his friend waits outside. An hour later, he comes out with pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes! His friend can't believe it! He's really become a white man!

    He says: "Wow, that's amazing! Now give me the penny!", to which his now white friend replies: "F*** you, n*****, get a job!"

    :eek: :D
     
  23. unknownuser

    unknownuser nuʞuoʍunsǝɹ

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    ^ Hahaha

    here is the infamous Superman joke from Hollow Man:

    So Superman's flying around the city, and he's horny as hell. Lo and behold he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely nude, sunning herself up on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there naked and spread eagle. So Superman starts thinking, "Man... this is too easy. I could go down there, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees me." After all he is faster than a speeding bullet, right? Anyway, he swoops down, takes care of business so quick, you can't even see him. Well... I tell ya. Wonder Woman looks up, surprised as hell and says "What the hell was that." And the Invisible Man replies "I dunno know, but it sure hurt like hell."
     
  24. AmonRa

    AmonRa Registered

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    Here is a link to great joke, that unfourtunatly is a little too bad for here!

    Great Joke!
     
  25. Golgo-13

    Golgo-13 The Return of the O.G

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    What's the meaning of this...:mad:?
     

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