"Now, Mr. Deadpool, over at Hasbro, we're all working very hard to capture the likeness of the Avengers as a team, and the creative groups from our factories and design centers are just thrilled that you've been willing to sit down with us today."
I ignore the representative from the toy company as I play with the toy they've placed on the table in front of me.
"Yeah." I mutter, knowing that they're just dying to hear something.
There's really no reason for me to be here. I mean, how hard is it to pick toys? There's simply no hero business anywhere. You'd think that the creative director behind my stories would have the gumption to get an NPC villain active, a real B-Lister, like Spot, but no. He's too lazy to do that and read the game history. So, here I am. Look at tiny pieces of plastic, examining it meticulously, to ensure that the "Avengers Legends" toyline is an accurate representation of my teammates and me.
Thanks a bunch, Mr. Writer.
This little digression into an internal narrative has diverted my attention away from the meeting at hand, and, as I start listening once more, I realize that he's in the middle of a sentence.
"Where are the bad guys?" I ask, interrupting the Hasbro representative's current speech.
He eyes his coworkers seated across from me.
"The uh..." He loosens his tie somewhat.
"The what?"
"Bad guys!" I cry, thrusting the action figure in my hand into the air, as if he's attacking some invisible foe.
"The scourge of the universe!"
I swoop the toy downward.
"The, uh, the villainy and foes of all the heroes the 616 Universe."
Watch it on the Marvel-specific talk, Wade.
"Oh, hush."
The executives across the table from me are wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
"What?!" I spit.
"Never heard a guy talkin' to himself before?"
Nobody quite knows what to say.
"Make some scummy characters." I demand.
"Then we'll talk."
With haste, I rise quickly to my feet and stop out of the office.
"Forgetting the bad guys!" I hiss under my breath as I throw the door open.
The secretary sitting outside of the conference room is staring at a computer monitor, watching Hell itself come to bear in Washington D.C. on a video feed.
"Couldn't mention this to me?!" I moan aloud.
Sorry, Wade. My bad. I figured you'd rather find out on your own.
"Thanks. Glad you're putting me first!"
"Sir?" The secretary asks.
"Are you talking to me?"
"No."
"You should probably be there, right?" She asks.
"Shhh." I say, putting a gloved finger over her lips.
"My common sense is tingling."
FMAB!
With a noise similar to Nightcrawler's typical "BAMF!" and a swirling of red and black, I find myself aboard a S.H.I.E.L.D. transport.
"What luck." I mutter to myself.
"Glad you could make it to the party Wade." Captain America calls over his built, rippling shoulders to me.
"We could sure use your help."
"I'll do my best not to kill too many bad guys, Captain." I reply happily.
Stupid, no-good, lousy sonuva...
The ship lurches forward as a blast slams into it.
"We're hit!" the Herald of America calls.
"Is 'Herald of America' even a vaild nickname for Cap?" I wonder aloud, earning a few glances of annoyance from my teammates.
"What?" I snarl.
"It's a valid question."
My story as a whole might be better suited with some internal story-telling. The metal of the ship begins to melt and dissolve around us.
"Jump!" Steve orders.
"You think that'd be a good idea?" The snarl on my lips is virtually audible through the tone of my voice.
FMAB!
I land quietly over a manhole. Flames chewing through buildings are all around the team, as they land rolling around on the concrete.
"Alright Avengers.Stay behind me. Keep an eye out for civillians, help in anyway you can, but stick close, cover each other's backs, and keep a look out for the Red Skull." Captain America roars, as we all gather around him.
"I was hoping I'd be able to just watch this time, Captain."
"Just say it Steve." Barnes adds, drawing his guns.
That's not a bad idea.
In response, Captain America nods then lets loose the cry:
"Avengers Assemble!!!"
I spin my swords off of my back, and watch as a group of several AIM soldiers break out of an alleyway.
"I got 'em!"
With a leap, I'm plowing through the group of creeps, slicing and dicing through their various limbs.
Within a few seconds, I'm standing over a pile of bodies, hands on my hips.
"Well, Cap." I say, grinning behind my mask.
"How was that?"