"Well ladies and gentlemen, what a guest I have for you today. We considered putting him in a straight jacket, but then he showed us 20 different ways of killing us while he was in one so we figured he was just as much danger to you as he was. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one, the only, the insanse Deadpool from the Avengers!"
A roar of applaud meets me as I go out on stage, wearing my mask, a tux, and a pair of half spectacles.
"Its alright girls, you can go now." I say to Irene Merryweather and Domino, shaking Leno's hand and taking a seat.
"Well, well, very swanky entrance there Deadpool my friend."
"Well they'd do anything to get on T.V. Jay, that, and the fact I agreed to let their familes go if they did it. And please, call me 'Pool."
"Alright then, well you've had quite a year haven't you? Sentinel invasion, faked death, Civil War, what's it like being you at the moment 'Pool?" I roll up my mask and start smoking a pipe.
"Please Jay, call me Deadpool, we only just met." Jay shoots a confuzzed expression.
"And yes, the life of a hero is quite exciting one, but I'm here to show you my real life tonight."
"Oh?"
"Yes, the life of a lonely, single, hansome... environmentalist."
"Oh god, you're not about to make yourself look interesting by going on about global warming are you? Better men have tried and failed buddy."
"That's Deadpool to you Jay, not buddy. Did you know that 130 trees are cut down in the rainforests of South Africa every day?"
"Deadpool, we want to here about guns, explosions, and sex, if I wanted to know about the rainforests, I'd get Captain America on the show."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, last time he was on, he nearly started to cry about third world countries. And this is a non-smoking zone, take that pipe out."
"Oh you win this round Leno." I say, removing the pipe.
"So I don't have to go through the embarassement of dissapointing those who thought I had a brain cell, or a good heart?"
"No I think any people who thought of you like that went when you captured a child and forced him to become your side-kick."
"Ah yes, good ol' Waldo."
"Wally."
"Whatever. Anyways, if its super hero gossip you're after, its super hero gossip you'll get. The year started with that Sentinel Invasion in NYC. Man that was a good laugh."
"Hundreds of buildings were destroyed, it was a miricle (as it always is with big battles these days) that no one was killed."
"Yeah, funny how that always happens ain't it? You'd figure at least one sucker would bite the dust, but no, bastards avoid it every time. Uh... not that I want people to die of course."
"A little while ago, we saw you swooping around Washington with Johnny Storm" (a sudden cheer from the women of the audience) "Luke Cage, and the Falcon, rumour has it you caused quite a bit of trouble, just what the hell happened."
"Well, law permitting I can't go into it too much, but it was like a bachelor party taken to the next level. Basically, the jist was we'd go to Washington, steal and old man and make him cook for us."
"And were you successful in this crazy scheme?"
"Yes and no... I mean, he came back with us... but he was killed a little while ago."
"...well that's brought the mood down."
"Oh don't worry about it, he was old and I'd basically destroyed his will to live anyways."
"Oh, then that's alright. So let's talk about the romance behind the mask. Are you doing well there?"
"Again... yes and no... see I did get married to an incredible gal." A round of applause follows, me ushering my hands to stop.
"No no, you're too kind."
"Well what's she like? She's gotta be a lively woman to stay married to you."
"Well that's the thing... she's also dead."
"Oh my god..."
"No don't worry, I'm over it, and I'm pretty sure she is." that sends the audience straight back into laughter, Leno slightly perplexed.
"Well... swiftly moving on, what about that Civil War, hot action huh? What was it like being on the other side of the law for a change?"
"Oh now that was awesome. We had this big fight with guns and stuff, and I got in the Quinjet and I was like PEW! PEW! and Iron Man was all "Abandon the fight! Deadpool is way too awesome!" so they ran off and Hawkeye was all "Okay, we've got to win this war, so everyone hide behind Deadpool's back." so then Tony had to back down because according to my Wikipedia profile, it would take 25 Sentry clones to bring me down."
"That true huh?"
"Its on Wikipedia, it has to be."
"Surely you're happy you can go home now the war's over though right?"
"Jay, I find I don't have a home, I'm a lone wolf. My room in the Mansion is just a room with all my worldly possessions. I could spend month's on Bullseye's couch, or when I get lost in New York (which is often), I'll happily sleep on a bench."
"Well Deadpool my friend, many of us have been watching your life with content for the past few years, you've made us laugh and cry, have you got any words for us?"
"Oh do I. Firstly, stop watching my life you sick perverts. Also, anyone who has cried about an event in my life is a poofter."
"Um... anyway--"
"Oh and lastly, Hawkeye, if you're watching this, I can't find the remote anywhere, you got any clue?"
"Ok so, its been great having you Deadpool, but, understandably, the little people in my ear are screaming at me to get you off of the air, so I'll have to ask you to leave."
"That's your problem Jay, you always listen to you conscience. Let me help you with that." I pull out my pistol and ready it.
"WOAH! You came into the studio armed?"
"Dude, I go everywhere armed! Hooters, Pizza hut, the movie, Avenger's Annual "cut down on gun crime" conference."
"Oh god, security, help!"
"Relax, its only a bullet through the head, I did it once to kill my conscience once, and look how I turned out!" before security can seize me, I aim at Leno's head and pull the trigger. His head explodes in a mess, everyone goes deadly silent.
"Wait for it..." suddenly, a little sprout is seen from Leno's messy neck... then it starts to grow, taking from, and finally growing back into the exact way it was.
"Ha! I knew it! Mutie!"
"Jay... is this true?"
"It has to be in this business. The amount of times this guy's probably been stabbed I tell ya. You think Letterman's human? They're just growing in numbers, and before you know it, BAM. Attack of the chat show hosts. Now, having wrecked the career of one of the most influential living Americans, I vanish. So long suckers!" I pull a smoke grenade and toss it to the ground.
As I make my way to the door, a hand grabs my neck, and pulls me from the studio. "You've wrecked me Deadpool, now you'll pay!" As I'm hoisted out of the smoke, Leno chucks me to the ground. I turn to see his blood stained head.
"You'll have to do better than that Leno! I've got marbles!" I chuck a load at him.
"These arn't marbles! These are Malteasers!"
"You've called my bluff for the last time Jay!" I dive at him and tackle his waist. A hand grabs me and pulls me off, someone people restraining my arms. I look to one side.
"Letterman! You swine!"
"Its time to pay Deadpool! We hosts look out for each other!"
"I trusted you Letterman! I thought you were one of the good ones!" I grab his arm and chuck him over my shoulders, kicking Leno in the stomach.
"Your rule over American lives and what people think ends tonight Leno! You're worse than Dr. Doom!"
"Really? You know him? Could you get me an interview?"
"NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" I cry, kicking him across the mouth. I make way for the door, pulling a grenade from my belt.
"This isn't over Leno! Its far from over!" I scream as I run from the studio. Well that makes for good T.V.