Worst moments in movies

[Zev]

I got the CGI Spider-Man off Netflix a week ago. The animation and writing is a big leap over the original Spider-Man TAS. I still laugh whenever that cheesy love theme comes on (which is basically anytime Peter and MJ talk) or they reuse that footage of explosions. Do you know that nobody ever used guns or threw a punch on that show? Not to mention it ended with a cliffhanger and never had an origin story.

I remember reading Untold Tales of Spider-Man as a wee little Zevvie (anyone that suggests I'm still a 'wee little' Zevvie will be banned for abominably unclever humor) and the same problem applied to it that applied to this Spider-Man. Basically no changes can be made to canon, so nothing changes except for original characters. Electro is reinvented as a Columbine-style nerd on a rampage (is this the best villain to have on a show that's core audience is nerds?). The rush to rename him as Electro, which is generally arrived at as a consensus by every character independently, in his second appearance is a bit much though.

The Lizard makes an appearance as your generic beastie (not even a lab coat, although he's given the obvious ability to regrow limbs, which he loses thanks to Harry "It's a trick. Get an ax" Osborn) and is dispatched quickly. His alter-ego, Doctor Connors, was also a bigtime dipstick. However, Raimi goes on to ignore this little 'expanded universe' for his own, considerably nicer Curt in Spider-Man 2. Which is good. I've never liked the idea of 'if you're in a game or TV show, then you'll never be in the movie!' Spider-Man has THE richest rogue's gallery in comicdom, why handcuff him?

Peter Parker's costume changes into Spider-Man get a little ridiculous. At one point I could swear he was going to pull a Lynda Carter.

The voicework was exceptional. Neil Patrick Harris did a surprisingly good job as the titular character, as did Lisa Loeb of having the unenviable job of maintaining a certain sexual tension with Peter Parker without the suspense of the relationship going anywhere (it's kinda like how you know J. Jonah Jameson is never going to learn Spider-Man's identity, no matter how many "Not an imaginary story! Not a dream!" stickers they put on it). The actor playing Harry Osborn has to put up with some surpising bad writing, ALWAYS talking about how Spider-Man murdered his father. Remember the episode of Friends where Joey bought the one volume of an encyclopedia and kept trying to interject subjects that began with V into his conversations? Now imagine if that book had been filled with 'Spider-Man murdered Norman Osborn' (like Jack Torrance's work of literate in The Shining) and you have Harry's character. It gets ridiculous the fourth time Spider-Man saves Harry's life and doesn't just say "BTW, I didn't kill your dad."

The guest stars were even good. My favorite would have to be Jeffrey Combs as (you guessed it) a mad scientist. The episode is mainly geared towards Stooge-style physical comedy, which partially excuses your average nerdy scientist being able to give Spidey a run for his money.

Even MCD shows up. How pathetic is it that he's more menacing when computer animated then in real life? It helps that his animated counterpart doesn't make like Santa Claus, smiling and laughing jovially every ten seconds. I'm going to have to watch Corman's FF and see if the guy playing Doom was more cheesy.

Strangely, Kraven the Hunter appears for the season finale and they reference a prior confrontation with Spider-Man. At first I thought they were talking about the extra X-Box level in the Spider-Man Movie Game, but then the cop (who's only function is to hate Spider-Man, making him pointless when you have both J. Jonah Jameson and Harry Osborn running around. Why not a more sympathetic authority figure like Captain Stacy or Jean DeWolff?) says that they 'trashed Midtown', so so much for expanded universe continuity.

The season finale especially has some good work, packing in tons of action sequences, eye candy, a Stan Lee cameo (c'mon, you know he's gotta make one!) and Kathy Griffith and Jeremy Piven as evil brother and sister (paging Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch!). Lets be honest, none of us would be surprised if either one of those two turned out to be the Anti-Christ. Although I know a ton of people who would protect the Anti-Christ being a woman, although us guys know that when they find out you've slept with their sister...

I'm almost glad that the series ended before having to incorporate Spider-Man 2. Although showing us the first baby steps of Mary-Jane and Peter's relationship would be interesting, having to sustain Harry (while postponing the inevitable dramatic 'talk' between Peter and Harry) would be unmanageable without making Harry the most indecisive character since Hamlet. They could make Harry into a 'Kingpin' sort of character , carrying out his vendetta by hiring Spider-Slayers and making Scorpion and so on, but I think that's more license then Sony would be willing to grant a cartoon. Pity.

I saw a banner ad on IMDB that said Bush was retro and Kerry was metro. That may be true, but I've never heard of a retrosexual.

 

[ViscaBarcaInter]

If you mean the 90's Spider-Man cartoon, they DID have an origin show. Just not in the first episode, strangely enough. It was in the 2 parter where Doc Ock takes control of Spidey and uses him to rob some place. Spider-Man was telling a terminally ill little girl (who had written to him) about how he became Spider-Man. And it involved amusing clips of Peter dreaming about being a giant spider with a human head.

 

[Zev]

Quentin suggesting that Fight Club was a 'guy movie' (elitist, probably metrosexual bastard that he is) got me thinking. What IS a guy movie? Obviously, it's the opposite of the 'chick flick', but there must be more to it then that.

The guy movie, in essence, is a film that is specifically designed to appeal to the male mind, to the point of excluding the female gender from viewing enjoyment. It usually falls into the category of action, horror, or comedy, or in the sub-genres of monster movie or slasher. Upon seeing a guy movie, the average (and exceptions exist, believe it or not!) woman will say something like "How can you watch this trash?" Anyone who's watched the Three Stooges around the fairer sex will know what I'm talking about,

"But Zev!" I'm sure you're saying. "I liked Fight Club! If it wasn't a guy movie..."

Not to worry, friend. Even movies that AREN'T specifically guy movies can be enjoyed by men. Into this category would fall dramas like Donnie Darko or superhero movies like Batman and Spider-Man (Blade is the definition of a guy comic book movie, agreed upon by both nerds and jocks!)

The following signs of a guy movie are not definitive. Like the honor code of a Predator, the guy movie is nebulous. Any red-blooded heterosexual (sorry, fellas who like fellas, force of habit) male knows a guy movie when he sees it, just like pornography.

1. The Guy Movie Is Quotable.

"I ain't got time to bleed!"

"Yippee-ki-yay, mother****er."

"Did somebody step on a duck?"

These are all insanely quotable lines in a guy movie. If you find yourself quoting a movie days or even weeks after you've watched it, you may just be quoting a guy movie.

This is ESPECIALLY true if the quip (that's 'funny part') is delivered immediately before or after the disposal of a bad guy.

Lets see an example delivered by the patron saint of quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the essential guy movie Commando.

Diaz: Okay, Matrix. We have your daughter. There is someone who wishes to talk to you. If you want to see her alive, you'll cooperate, right?

Matrix: Wrong!

I trust you can guess which character Arnold plays. He's the one who shoots Diaz in the forehead. YEAH! The quip can be delivered significantly after the death, but usually only if someone inquires as to said baddie's status. From The Running Man:

Amber: What happened to Buzzsaw?

Buzzsaw was cut in half by a chainsaw.

Ben Richards: He had to split.

2. The Guy Movie Is Funny

Be warned! Not all gross-out comedies are guy movies! I'll be getting to the role of quality in a guy movie later (it's more important then you might think. Compare the original Mortal Kombat, a guy movie, to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, a piece of crap). But we can all agree that a movie like Blazing Saddles, despite it's lack of scatological references, is a guy movie. That's because the guy movie humor is brash and in-your-face, which the repeated use of language that would make your average affirmative action supporter blush IS.

Something like Animal House or Old School falls under this category, or the Evil Dead movies, Looney Tunes, and Three Stooges with their broad physical comedy focusing on consequence-free violence.

3. The Guy Movie Has No Man-Ass

As the target audience for guy movies, heterosexual males do not enjoy the sight of other men's asses (the tradition of mooning may have confused those bisexual Hollywood types, but hey, they thought cancelling Family Guy was a good idea, what do they know?). They do, however, very much enjoy the sight of attractive, naked women. If the movie has a surplas of the latter, it is probably a guy movie.

And if the movie has a guy's penis in it, FORGET ABOUT IT.

4. The Guy Movie Has A Catchy Tagline

The Running Man's tagline tells us all we need to know.

"A game nobody survives. But Schwarzenegger has yet to play."

More to come...

 

[Zev]

Like Warm Apple Pie, The Matrix Reloaded

Dear God, the Wachowski Bros. ****ed up big time. Just like George Lucas working on his prequels without restraint, after the success of The Matrix the WB decided to hands the W Bros the keys to the kingdom. They got home to find that the children were dead, the wine was all drunk, and someone had taken a huge steaming dump right on their bed.

And that was just that stupid, STUPID rave scene.

One of the biggest problems with Reloaded was that we, the audience, were ALWAYS getting lectured at. Neo moves from being lectured by the Oracle to being lectured by the Merovingian to being lectured by the Architect (does anyone have a name without a 'the' in the Matrix?). Makes you feel like a teenager again and NOT in the good 'Donnie Darko' way.

It's an ACTION movie! As in, ACTION! Moving, running, fighting, shooting! Not standing around in super-cool clothes and listening to some pretentious French ******* talk for fifteen minutes. Here's a sample of one of the most eregious examples, truncated for length (you'll thank me later).

Merovingian: You see, there is only one constant, one universal, it is the only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction. Cause and effect.

Ummm... yeah. Duh. We know. This isn't high school. What are you going to talk about next, gravity?

Morpheus: Everything begins with choice.

There's a really bad child birth joke in there somewhere. But hey, this is from a guy who KNOWS there's no way both sides of an argument can be 'pro', so what do I know?

Merovingian: No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without.

It would not surprise me one bit if this was meant to be a shot at Bush.

Look there, at that woman. My God, just look at her. Affecting everyone around her, so obvious, so bourgeois, so boring.

Ah, bourgeois, watchword of the pretentious!

But wait... Watch - you see, I have sent her dessert, a very special dessert.

I kicked it up a notch! Le BAM!

I wrote it myself. It starts so simply, each line of the program creating a new effect, just like poetry. First, a rush... heat... her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes?

Is he hitting on Keanu now?

She does not understand why - is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason?

This sounds like the opening of a Simon & Garfunkel song.

And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe.

Good will always win because evil's dumb.

We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control.

This is followed by the woman having an orgasm, proving Merv's point that when you drug someone and they have a biological response, they're out of control. He's also irresistable to women because he slips them a mickey.

Honestly, couldn't he have just given Neo a drink that made him slap himself (Neo trying to fight it, of course). Not only would it be less embarrassing and uncomfortable for all involved, but we'd get to see Keanu Reeves slap himself, which would really make me feel better about his participation in Bram Stoker's (sic) Dracula. Still, he did forgo starring in Speed 2 and he knows kung-fu, so maybe he's smarter then everyone thinks...

Causality. There is no escape from it, we are forever slaves to it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the `why.' `Why' is what separates us from them, you from me. `Why' is the only real social power, without it you are powerless. And this is how you come to me, without `why,' without power. Another link in the chain.

Jesus Christ, it reminds me of the worst bits of the Metal Gear Solid series, those unfathomable cutscenes where one of the Snakes blathers on about the military and genetic engineering and the Internet and McDonalds and ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!! I just want to SHOOT something! It's an INTERACTIVE videogame, I should have SOME impact on the story, right? RIGHT!?!?

Here's a why for you, YOU STUPID ASSMEAT PRICKS! WHY THE **** ARE WE LISTENING TO THIS **** INSTEAD OF WATCHING SMITH **** *****ES UP?? YOU KNOW, THE COOL, INTERESTING PART OF THE STORY THAT WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT!?! ANSWER ME THAT, YOU BASTARDS, ANSWER ME!!!!







I'm cool, I'm cool.

On the bright side, Revolutions was kinda okay, even if Trinity and Morpheus playing second-fiddle to Mary Sue, oh, I mean Seraph, sucked balls. But I submit to you that Mortal Kombat is a better movie then The Matrix Reloaded. It didn't preach to you with 'oh, we read philosophy, we're so smart' (Oh yeah? Then how come you work for WARNER BROTHERS?). It just showed you what you came to see, cool characters and badass fight scenes. And isn't that why we REALLY go to see an action movie in the first place?

Yes. Yes it is.

 

[Zev]

VENOM IS NOT GOING TO BE IN SPIDER-MAN 3!

Sorry, I know I'm supposed to let you, the simple-minded Venom fan (good Venom fans already admit to themselves that Venom in a Spider-Man movie will either not happen while Raimi is director or at least will not happen in no. 3), down easy, but I just heard a theory that, for some reason, Raimi and company are going to pull a big twist and have Venom for the villain instead of Harry Osborn.

Yes he's part of a incredible right-wing conspiracy between the Freemasons and the Illuminati to put off finishing the saga he himself has been developing for the past two films (including a badass scene at the end of 2 that all but screams in your ear "HARRY'S GOING TO BE THE GREEN GOBLIN IN SPIDER-MAN 3!") so he can throw in a character he's stated he has a dislike for.

Why? So that Sony can make money! Although from leaving the reins in the hands of Raimi they've made, what, billions of dollars, they're suddenly going to make the mistake every other superhero franchise has made and dictate terms to their golden boy. Because inserting villains without rhyme or reason worked SO well for the Batman series (I'm still trying to figure out how freezing the planet and populating it with Audrey clones from Little Shop of Horrors are NOT mutually-exclusive...).

Not to mention that this is quite possibly the last Spider-Man movie with the entire cast AND Raimi, but no, he's going to drag out the Goblin Saga so he can introduce Venom and let SOMEONE ELSE finish his magnum opus. Just like George Lucas did with Return of the Jedi, where he spent the whole movie having Luke fight Jabba the Hutt and let Renny Harlin make the fourth movie which finally had the throwdown between Vader and Luke that was built-up for the entire trilogy.

Oh, wait...

Jesus. Venom in Spider-Man 3 is, bar none, the stupidest thing I've ever heard (well, that wasn't said by Quentin Black). Anyone who can even entertain the idea in their heads after having seen Spider-Man 2 lacks the simple skill called 'pattern recognition' and will be hit by a car before they can realize it's dangerous ("Hmm, four wheels... moving fast... driver... headlights... what could it be, can it hurt me? ... bumper... license plate...").

But just for the sake of argument, lets say that Raimi and Sony ARE putting in Venom and GG2 is just a massive cover-up. How long do they expect to keep it a secret? This is the age of CHUD and AICN (much as I hate those idiots).

This isn't a Shyamalan twist or Drew Berrymore in Scream we're talking about. This is the VILLAIN OF A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE.

First, you've got to get an actor to play Eddie Brock. Lets say he's a big-name, like say Joaquin Phoenix. You're telling me he's not going to do any late-night talk shows, anything? That he's willing to have his name put lower then James Franco to maintain the illusion? Or will he not be credited at all? While this has precident (Se7en), there's more problems.

The marketing. You're telling me that the trailers will show NO SIGN WHATSOEVER of the villain? Or will they put GG2 or Hob-Gob in there as a red herring (which would be bait and switch advertising and also TOTALLY negate the reason for having Venom in there, which is publicity)? How much will this red herring cost (and don't tell me they can just reuse the old Green Goblin effects, because that will turn off all the fans who are expecting an upgrade)? Will Harry makes an appearance as GG2, get taken out in fifteen minutes, and then we get to see Venom? How disappointing would that be? Only the hardcore Venom fans would be saying "Yay! This is teh cool!!1! VeNOm!1"

Ever heard of Occam's Razor? As Freud would say, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

 

[Farradin]

Daredevil

 

[Zev]

Originally posted by Farradin
Daredevil

Sucks

 

[Zev]

I've just posted an ENORMOUS battle between Doc Ock and Spidey in the Spider-Man 3: Legacy thread. Seriously, 2000 more letters and it would not have fit in one post. Don't read it if you dislike having your face ROCKED!

News Of The Moment: Ellen DeGeneres has been cast the titular role for a remake of 'Oh God!' And I just can't bring myself to care.

Am I supposed to hate her? When she was, like, the funniest sidekick ever in Finding Nemo? And by hating her, is that supposed to motivate all the 'Mary Mary Quite Contrary' (or MMQCs, people who will do anything that's contra to Conservative Christians, i.e. vote for Kerry. Seriously, no one is Pro-Kerry, just Anti-Bush) to go see the movie? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Controversy sells, especially after The Passion Of The Christ.

But I'm not going to let such an obvious bit of Christian-baiting by. So I'm going to... not see it. That's all. Not write hate-filled diatribes, not join in a protest march, not send threatening letters to the producers. I'm just not going to buy a ticket.

Besides, if they were going to cast a gay actor for God, why not Ian McKellan? And now back to our regularly-scheduled program, the worst Spider-Man screenplay that was officially considered for release (i.e. not a fanfic). And just in time for 'The Green Goblin's Mask Was So Bad..." week, starting next Monday, in which we examine what could quite possibly have led to Organic Dr. Doom. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.


INT. EXPERIMENTAL CHAMBER - NIGHT

Incredibly lit, the SPIDER is dropping on it's shimmering
WEB-STRAND down toward the 5KG WEIGHT which now GLOWS in
time with the THROB and PULSE.

Anyone else reminded of those Merry Melodies where all the random noises contributed to a piece of music?

INT. THE CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

The MONITOR is flashing "MAXIMUM OVERLOAD -

Not to be confused with Maximum Overdrive... which strangely enough featured the Green Goblin (no ****)!

SHUT DOWN!"
OCK continues with the experiment. And then he sees the
SPIDER!

Ralph Fiennes?

OCK
You! Get out of there, you creeping...

I don't think he's listening, Ock. That might work on dogs and cats (well, not cats), but I don't think on arthropods.

He tries to shove the SPIDER with his hand.

INT. EXPERIMENTAL CHAMBER - NIGHT

Through the BLUE-WHITE we can barely make out OCK on the
other side if the shattered WINDOW.

If the shattered window what?

He sends TWO WALDOS
after the SPIDER. The SPIDER evades him and jumps onto
the PROFESSOR's back. It then climbs onto the PROFESSOR's
neck and bites him.

Coming this Summer, the Amazing SPIDER-OCK! Okie... DOKIE! And come on, spiders aren't this aggressive.

OCK
(anguish)
Noooooooooooo!

The gravity DIAL goes to .000001, then pops back up as
OCK'S tiny world goes berserk.

His son got a tattoo?

DIALS spin, crack, explode
or droop liquidly. WIRES dance on the CONSOLE which
erupts like the 4th of JULY.

Tom Cruise is born!

OCK begins to float. His shirt begins to tear away. A
DIAL floats by with its pulled WIRES undulating like a
Medusa.

You mean Gorgon, right? Medusa is a name.

WALDOS smash through the walls and flail like
snakes. OCK'S YELLOW THERMOS distorts and EXPLODES!

Shouldn't have put in those... BAD DATES.

OCK, his hair wild, face locked in a multi-G grimace,

This is much better the original draft, which had his face locked in an O-face.

is
pinned halfway up a wall that is showering the room with
SPARKS.

OCK
(ecstasy above the din)

And I made that O-face comment in jest...

It's an energy storm! Okey! Dokey!

Captain, we won't be able to use the transporters to bring back the away team...

Sorry, force of habit.

We see clearly the SPIDER still stuck to his neck.
The big beast buffets and shakes.

I believe this is the first time a spider has been described as a 'big beast' since Eight-Legged Freaks.

Tubes, junctions,
valves and whatnot fall off, crashing to the floor where
they twitch and writhe with a life of their own.

Things I Learned: Energy storms can give life to inanimate objects.

Then, an enormous EXPLOSION rips a large hole in the
CYCLOTRON's side, sending debris and a HUNDRED MICRO-
STREAMS of ELECTRONIC PARTICLES lancing in our direction.

This was written for an audience wearing 3D glasses.

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Ultimate weirdness!

What happens when Grant Morrison gets to write a limited series in the Ultimate Universe.

The PULSING BLUE-WHITE LIGHT
penetrates first the DOOR of the CYCLOTRON ROOM and then
the very walls! LOCKERS bang, LAMPS POP, the ceiling sags
in a SURREAL, RUBBERY way.

The whole WORLD needs Viagra.

The WALLS sag too! The CYCLOTRON SIGN pivots and embeds
itself in a WALL. A LADDER sinks in the WALL. The BLUE-
WHITE LIGHT dances wildly about in PULSES. Then,
suddenly, it stops... DEAD SILENCE.

As opposed to the fun-loving, life-of-the-party silence.

WEINER comes running
in holding a double decker sandwich and a large bottle of
Pepsi. Weiner enters OCK'S lab, singing, not at first
noticing what's going on.

Jon Favreau going to work on Daredevil.

Suddenly he stops dead.

INT. CYCLOTRON ROOM - NIGHT

A scene out of DALI's surrealistic canvas. There are
things inside of other things.

Bow chicka wow wow!

DIALS look like DALI
watches. This place has been rippled to the max!

The Phenomeonal Photoshop Editor strikes again!

OCK lays face up, unconscious on the floor, a WALDO across
his chest. The SPIDER is weaving its web.

Things I Learned: Spiders will weave webs anywhere, anytime.

CAMERA slowly
DOWN to see OCK. PIPES and WIRES are stuck to his body.

Don't laugh, the same thing happened to Al Gore once.

The WALDO seems to be wrapping him. He wakes up to see
those MECHANICAL ARMS buried in his body. They weave
around him as if they are looking for prey.

A-hunting we shall go, a-hunting we shall go...

He tries to
tear them out, but they seem to be a part of his body,
like his other limbs.

I have no 'other' limbs. I love them all equally.

He screams. Suddenly Weiner sees
OCK.

WEINER
Professor... what happened to you? What
did you do...

What the Jackson 5 said upon seeing Michael during a reunion tour.

Suddenly one of the waldos hits him so strongly that he
flies back and out through the door to the corridor.

If he was the MOST annoying character, this might be more cause for celebration. As it is, he's merely one blade of grass in a lawn.

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

WEINER
Oh my God... what happened here...

You'd think he's be more familiar with getting hit by now...

He hears the police sirens approaching, he runs away.

WEINER
I better get out of here.

What Ashley Judd said when she saw the Catwoman script.

 

[The Hero]

Originally posted by Zev
Like Warm Apple Pie, The Matrix Reloaded

Dear God, the Wachowski Bros. ****ed up big time. Just like George Lucas working on his prequels without restraint, after the success of The Matrix the WB decided to hands the W Bros the keys to the kingdom. They got home to find that the children were dead, the wine was all drunk, and someone had taken a huge steaming dump right on their bed.

And that was just that stupid, STUPID rave scene.

One of the biggest problems with Reloaded was that we, the audience, were ALWAYS getting lectured at. Neo moves from being lectured by the Oracle to being lectured by the Merovingian to being lectured by the Architect (does anyone have a name without a 'the' in the Matrix?). Makes you feel like a teenager again and NOT in the good 'Donnie Darko' way.

It's an ACTION movie! As in, ACTION! Moving, running, fighting, shooting! Not standing around in super-cool clothes and listening to some pretentious French ******* talk for fifteen minutes. Here's a sample of one of the most eregious examples, truncated for length (you'll thank me later).

Merovingian: You see, there is only one constant, one universal, it is the only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction. Cause and effect.

Ummm... yeah. Duh. We know. This isn't high school. What are you going to talk about next, gravity?

Morpheus: Everything begins with choice.

There's a really bad child birth joke in there somewhere. But hey, this is from a guy who KNOWS there's no way both sides of an argument can be 'pro', so what do I know?

Merovingian: No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without.

It would not surprise me one bit if this was meant to be a shot at Bush.

Look there, at that woman. My God, just look at her. Affecting everyone around her, so obvious, so bourgeois, so boring.

Ah, bourgeois, watchword of the pretentious!

But wait... Watch - you see, I have sent her dessert, a very special dessert.

I kicked it up a notch! Le BAM!

I wrote it myself. It starts so simply, each line of the program creating a new effect, just like poetry. First, a rush... heat... her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes?

Is he hitting on Keanu now?

She does not understand why - is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason?

This sounds like the opening of a Simon & Garfunkel song.

And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe.

Good will always win because evil's dumb.

We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control.

This is followed by the woman having an orgasm, proving Merv's point that when you drug someone and they have a biological response, they're out of control. He's also irresistable to women because he slips them a mickey.

Honestly, couldn't he have just given Neo a drink that made him slap himself (Neo trying to fight it, of course). Not only would it be less embarrassing and uncomfortable for all involved, but we'd get to see Keanu Reeves slap himself, which would really make me feel better about his participation in Bram Stoker's (sic) Dracula. Still, he did forgo starring in Speed 2 and he knows kung-fu, so maybe he's smarter then everyone thinks...

Causality. There is no escape from it, we are forever slaves to it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the `why.' `Why' is what separates us from them, you from me. `Why' is the only real social power, without it you are powerless. And this is how you come to me, without `why,' without power. Another link in the chain.

Jesus Christ, it reminds me of the worst bits of the Metal Gear Solid series, those unfathomable cutscenes where one of the Snakes blathers on about the military and genetic engineering and the Internet and McDonalds and ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!! I just want to SHOOT something! It's an INTERACTIVE videogame, I should have SOME impact on the story, right? RIGHT!?!?

Here's a why for you, YOU STUPID ASSMEAT PRICKS! WHY THE **** ARE WE LISTENING TO THIS **** INSTEAD OF WATCHING SMITH **** *****ES UP?? YOU KNOW, THE COOL, INTERESTING PART OF THE STORY THAT WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT!?! ANSWER ME THAT, YOU BASTARDS, ANSWER ME!!!!







I'm cool, I'm cool.

On the bright side, Revolutions was kinda okay, even if Trinity and Morpheus playing second-fiddle to Mary Sue, oh, I mean Seraph, sucked balls. But I submit to you that Mortal Kombat is a better movie then The Matrix Reloaded. It didn't preach to you with 'oh, we read philosophy, we're so smart' (Oh yeah? Then how come you work for WARNER BROTHERS?). It just showed you what you came to see, cool characters and badass fight scenes. And isn't that why we REALLY go to see an action movie in the first place?

Yes. Yes it is.

Thats it,you have now been forgiven.

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

Didn't anyone else hate the number of times Spiderman's face is revealed in Spiderman 2?

 

[Herr Logan]

Originally posted by RedIsNotBlue
Didn't anyone else hate the number of times Spiderman's face is revealed in Spiderman 2?

Oh! Oh! Right here!

*raises hand enthusiastically*

 

[Zev]

That sounds more like a personal problem then a Worst Moment. Now that we're expanding the scope of Worst Moments (Matrix Reloaded isn't EXACTLY a superhero movie, but I'd definitely say it fits under the 'inspired by comic books' and... who cares, I'm just a guy who likes to make fun of things other then Daredevil once in a while), we don't have time for nitpicks.

I'm leading by example. Remember what I posted about Ellen Degeneres, my disciples?

 

[Zev]

Halle Berry is visiting the set of Batman Begins in Chicago, raising concerns that CINO will have a cameo in BB. Which makes no sense, but hey, when has the WB ever? Actions must be taken...


Bale is in full costumed regalia. Halle Berry walks up behind him.

"Hi, I'm from Catwoman, my name is Halle..."

"You're treading on my dreams, *****."

Using his Cleric training to predict where she's going to 'attack' from, he pulls two guns out of his utility belt and fires backwards under his armpits, shredding her. She falls to the ground, dead, a look of dull surprise locked upon her face as death as it was in life. He looks up at the rest of the cast and crew, gathered in shock, as blue smoke rises from the barrels of his pistols.

"It was my duty," he says simply.

David Goyer begins to applaud slowly. Gary Oldman follows. Pretty soon, the set is filled with the sound of a grateful Hollywood community.



Halle Berry walks up to David Goyer.

Halle: Hi, aren't you the guy who wrote Blade 2?

Goyer: Yes, and I'm directing Blade: Trinity.

Halle: Too bad it won't make any money. Catwoman's disappointing box office proved that the racist fanboys won't accept black people in positions of power. By the way, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Goyer's lower jaw suddenly splits open and latches on to Halle. He begins sucking her blood. Her neck explodes in a shower of gore. Goyer lets her bloodless corpse drop, then pulls out a handkerchef to wipe himself out. Gary Oldman walks up to him.

Oldman: Son of a... I was going to do that!

Goyer: Yeah, right. Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula sucked and not in the good vampire way.

Oldman: ...Yes.

Goyer: I forgive you, though. C'mon, the Count's going to be 'counting' hookers on Fifth Avenue.

Oldman: I'm so there.


Halle Berry walks up to Ken Watanabe.

HALLE: Domo arigoto, Mr. Roboto...

KEN: Using T&A to become top black starlet... you are a dishonor to your family!

He decapitates Halle with a samurai sword. Christian Bale enters.

BALE: Hey, Ken, what was all that 'you are a dishonor to your family' stuff about?

KEN: I don't know, I was just getting into character. You want to get a latte?

BALE: Okay.


Halle Berry walks up to Liam Neeson.

HALLE: Liam Neeson! You starred in The Haunting and Star Wars Episode 1! At last, another sucky actor.

LIAM: There's a difference between an actor who stars in bad movies and a bad actor. Allow me to demonstrate.

He pulls out a lightsaber and cuts Halle in two.

LIAM: The bad actor falls to pieces.


Halle Berry walks up to Michael Caine.

HALLE: Oh, thank God! Everyone else seems to be trying to kill me! But surely a refined, British actor like you wouldn't possibly hurt someone so pretty as moi?

CAINE: That's right. I would never personally commit violence. However, I did star in The Cider House Rules with Tobey Maguire.

A web shoots down from the ceilling and wraps around Halle's neck, pulling her up off the ground.

SPIDER-MAN: I don't take kindly to ******s trying to steal my thunder.

CAINE: And in Jaws: The Revenge, with Bruce here.

The web pulls Halle over a large SHARK TANK. Bruce leaps out of the water and bites Halle's legs off.

HALLE: Oh god no! The cuts in the fabric were like a Mau cat's!

Spider-Man drops down beside Caine.

SPIDER-MAN: Well, this isn't the end of her career. After all, she can still show her breasts.

Both men laugh and do that black fist handshake.

CAINE: C'mon, lets get out of here before the flies show up.


Halle Berry walks up to Morgan Freeman.

HALLE: It must be an honor for you to meet me, who has done so much for the black acting community. But hey, Easy Reader, that was a big role on Electric Company.

MORGAN: Yes. We also had Spider-Man.

Halle jumps like a startled cat, then looks around fearfully.

HALLE: You mean... "He Who Must Not Be Named"?

MORGAN: You do know I played God in Bruce Almighty.

A lightning bolt shoots down and hits Halle. She dies, fried to a crisp. Morgan shakes his head.

MORGAN: No, too easy.

With a clap, Halle comes back to life.

MORGAN: Perhaps you've heard of my own crappy movie, called Dreamcatcher. It had a rather interesting alien in it called a ****-weasel. I think you're going to become rather familiar with each other over the next few days.

Halle runs away. Morgan turns to the camera.

MORGAN: Hey, I'm God. I can break the fourth wall.

Morgan ends the post.

 

[Zev]

Breaking news! I've been able to secure an interview with PETER PARKER HIMSELF. This came at no small expense, seeing as how he's a fictional character and all. The machine required JMS' penis, Paul Jenkin's left eye, and Joe Quesada's head. Well, not the last thing, but as long as I was there, why not?

Mr. Parker? Mr. Parker, are you there? Can you tell us your feelings on the rejected draft by Cameron and his ilk?

Thank you very much for your time.

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

No sorry the number of times Spider-mans face revealed is a bad moment in comic book movies. The one thing the superhero is supposed to keep secret is revealed 3 times in one movie.

 

[Zev]

Yeah, well Superman flies around with NO MASK WHATSOEVER and no one calls him on that. Besides, who wants to watch a hero who always wins absolutely?

 

[spideyboy_1111]

ne one find it funny how supermans only weakness is an extremely rare rock yet all his villains seem to get it?

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

Well with Superman that is just stupidity...I think it is stupid from the start of the comics that nobody could figure out Clark Kent was Superman. I thought we were talking about comic book MOVIES, zev.

 

[Herr Logan]

Superman is consistent with his disguise. Spider-Man can't keep his mask on because Sam Raimi and friends lack integrity.

The one and only thing the movies might have over the comics in terms of giving Parker a stronger disguise is the fact that Parker is a spineless, brainless little tool with almost no personality throughout the second movie. Since both Peter Parker and Spider-Man in the comics are quick, witty, and full of personality, one could say... wait... nope, that's no good. The Spider-Man persona in the movies doesn't have much personality, either. No, there's absolutely nothing better about the disguise and alter ego dynamic of the movie Spider-Man. Except of course for the shirt-ripping that I'm sure Sam and friends thought would make us all feel a rush of Supes nostalgia, whereas it actually just kinda feels cheap and forced. A faithful Spider-Man change scene that wasn't a ripoff would be the first time he went into action against a criminal, and he didn't even have his real costume then.

 

[Zev]

Originally posted by RedIsNotBlue
Well with Superman that is just stupidity...I think it is stupid from the start of the comics that nobody could figure out Clark Kent was Superman. I thought we were talking about comic book MOVIES, zev.

You're saying in the Christopher Reeve series, Superman wore a mask? Must have missed that part...

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

No you are misunderstanding me...I am saying that in the comic it was ridiculous in the first place that nobody could figure out it was Clark Kent so that is one of the worst moments in comic book history not comic book movies lol. I am pretty sure it took many issues of Spider-man for Peter Parker to reveal his identity to 3 main people yet with one movie he did it which is.......say it with me.....ridiculous!

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

Originally posted by Herr Logan
Superman is consistent with his disguise. Spider-Man can't keep his mask on because Sam Raimi and friends lack integrity.

The one and only thing the movies might have over the comics in terms of giving Parker a stronger disguise is the fact that Parker is a spineless, brainless little tool with almost no personality throughout the second movie. Since both Peter Parker and Spider-Man in the comics are quick, witty, and full of personality, one could say... wait... nope, that's no good. The Spider-Man persona in the movies doesn't have much personality, either. No, there's absolutely nothing better about the disguise and alter ego dynamic of the movie Spider-Man. Except of course for the shirt-ripping that I'm sure Sam and friends thought would make us all feel a rush of Supes nostalgia, whereas it actually just kinda feels cheap and forced. A faithful Spider-Man change scene that wasn't a ripoff would be the first time he went into action against a criminal, and he didn't even have his real costume then.

Yeah man I gotta agree with you even though I love Maguire for Spidey. In the comics Spider-man shows great intelligence and in the movie he just seems like some bumbling teen with luck.

 

[Zev]

Originally posted by RedIsNotBlue
No you are misunderstanding me...I am saying that in the comic it was ridiculous in the first place that nobody could figure out it was Clark Kent so that is one of the worst moments in comic book history not comic book movies lol. I am pretty sure it took many issues of Spider-man for Peter Parker to reveal his identity to 3 main people yet with one movie he did it which is.......say it with me.....ridiculous!

Movies aren't comics. Take the original Spider-Man. Condenses the entire Norman Green Goblin into one movie (along with Peter's origin. If comic books were one movie an issue, Spider-Man would have ended after Uncle Ben died but before the montage, which means no J. Jonah Jameson!). How long was it before Jean Gray died in the X-Men comics (if one issue equaled one movie, we'd have a movie called X-Men Vs. Frankenstein. No joke)?

Comics, by their very nature, have long been status quo. If you pick up a comic, the characters will basically be who they are and do what they do the same time three months later. Cyclops will still be the boy scout team leader, Spider-Man will still be hopelessly in love with Gwen Stacy no matter how many obstacles are thrown in their way. That's beginning to change now. Sometimes don't really have a status quo of "our heroes are together and here's this issue's baddie!" in favor of stories focusing ON the characters. Which is a good thing, as there's only so many villains you can come up with (Turner D. Century, anyone?) and so many times you can bring them out (cough, Venom, cough cough!) before it gets old and you need to give them a rest for a while until you have a brilliant idea about how to bring the Vulture back, deadlier then ever, or a new writer with his own idea for a storyline featuring Boomerang... even if it involves their death (and yes, some villains have to be killed sometimes)!

And how hilarious is it that the old "I blame your alter-ego for killing my father, which is why we can't be together!" cliche was written into Daredevil?

Which brings me to the subject of why Doc Ock is Spider-Man's greatest villain. He was around before Green Goblin, he did more then Green Goblin, he never had the goofy 'relapse' plotline, AND he was the first to kill someone close to Spider-Man, Captain George Stacy. Sure, it was an accident, but so was Spider-Man's webline snapping Gwen's neck. I tell ya, Ock gets no respect, yet Green Goblin runs around in those little Christmas elf booties...

 

[RedIsNotBlue]

I never said movies are comics....it doesn't matter what you say. It is ridiculous to cram in 3 unmaskings in one movie. One understandable...two...no way...three....insane.

 

[Zev]

Originally posted by RedIsNotBlue
I never said movies are comics....it doesn't matter what you say. It is ridiculous to cram in 3 unmaskings in one movie. One understandable...two...no way...three....insane.

That's your opinion. The very fact that it is reasonably debatable precludes it from entry into Worst Moments (the same with Punisher's fire hydrant. You might not like it, but it fits).

Now the Bat-Nipples or Daredevil killing people, that's a Worst Moment.

Also, status quo shouldn't be confused with PREMISE.

Premise is the X-Men teach a school of young mutants under the guidelines of Professor X, while protecting a world that hates and fears them.

Status quo is Magneto gets together a bunch of villains, calls them the Brotherhood of Mutants XXI, and fights the X-Men, with Wolverine finding out a new tidbit about his past ("I liked sausage patties? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!").

Premise is saying these are our characters, here's where they are, what story are we going to tell?

Status quo is "this is the story we're going to tell, it's just like XX-XY but with B instead of A".

Changing the status quo isn't easy. One of the most common (and therefore cliche) ways is to kill off a supporting character. But which was bigger in the Daredevil comics, killing off Karen Page or Daredevil's identity being 'Out'?

Don't mistake the imposing of a NEW status quo (or its kissing cousin, the return to the OLD status quo) for change. For instance, Marvel trying to kill off (remember the key difference betweein KILLING and killing OFF) Mary-Jane a few years ago was not for the storylines it could bring, but for the new status quo of Peter being a swinging bachelor as in the never-were good ol' days. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

A change would have been Peter dealing with the responsibility of being a father (or the actually happened examples of becoming a teacher and Aunt May finding out his identity, although Aunt May should be dead instead of a genetically-altered actress who was put up to it by the same man who happened to kill Peter's girlfriend and is Spider-Man's arch-enemy... what's the connection, mewonders?).