A Discussion on Self Harm.

[moviedoors]

Well it's been 20 years since I did anything like this so my memory has faded a bit. But I can tell you that's it's not a matter of associating pleasure and pain. More like something to focus on. Hard to explain.

Something to focus on is exactly right. Physical pain, even minor, trumps emotional pain in terms of what your brain prioritizes. If you're cleaning a fresh cut with alcohol, you're not thinking about how lonely you are anymore.

 

[Ant-manic]

What I have often wondered is how so many people settle upon the same act. Is it because it is a known option in our culture?

it's the halfway point between depression and suicide. i, stupidly, used to cut. it was a good way to relieve stress/anger. i guess i could have just punched walls or something. but it didn't stop until after the suicide attempt. that woke me up real quick. i'd imagine that there are a variety of individual reasons, despite cutting being so "popular."

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Does anyone (who cares to say) actually suffer or did suffer from this at one point explain why they did it?

I did... like an hour before your question...

 

[jaymes_e06]

Gurrl you are daaark!

 

[Hal_Jordan]

Is it different if it's for a purpose like scarification or branding?

 

[jaymes_e06]

Yes. They are doing if for the euphoric feeling after the pain like a drug (from what I know from people who said they did it at least.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Gurrl you are daaark!

Weird response...

To be clear, i'm not dark at all. I'm just a person who went through a period of depression, in which I basically had a mental breakdown that I eventually came back from.

Depression is just such a difficult thing to explain.

This is the best article I have ever read on the subject.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

 

[Hal_Jordan]

Yes. They are doing if for the euphoric feeling after the pain like a drug (from what I know from people who said they did it at least.

But I've heard from(some not all)people who have gotten tattoos that they enjoy the euphoric feeling of that too, so I assume that sensation is similar in scarring and burning.

 

[jaymes_e06]

Weird response...

To be clear, i'm not dark at all. I'm just a person who went through a period of depression, in which I basically had a mental breakdown that I eventually came back from.

Depression is just such a difficult thing to explain.

This is the best article I have ever read on the subject.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Let me be clear here. I thought you were joking so I was using sarcasm mostly because when you said this:

I did... like an hour before your question...

You laughed as if you were joking.

So I said this:

Gurrl you are daaark!

Because I thought you were being factious.

Of course I know this is a serious issue. I've know people who have suffered from this and it most certainly is not like tattooing yourself. There can be an attraction to being nearer and nearer to death. Even an obsession with death that could lead to an actual suicide attempt. So I'm sorry I even acted as thought it was something to joke about when it is not. It is a serious problem that should be handled as such.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Let me be clear here. I thought you were joking so I was using sarcasm mostly because when you said this:

You laughed as if you were joking.

So I said this:

Because I thought you were being factious.

Of course I know this is a serious issue. I've know people who have suffered from this and it most certainly is not like tattooing yourself. There can be an attraction to being nearer and nearer to death. Even an obsession with death that could lead to an actual suicide attempt. So I'm sorry I even acted as thought it was something to joke about when it is not. It is a serious problem that should be handled as such.

No worries, I didn't think you were being offensive, I'm just super confused!

I never really saw self harm as something I was suffering with. I was suffering with depression, self harm was just something I did while I was sick.

 

[Llama_Shepherd]

Does anyone (who cares to say) actually suffer or did suffer from this at one point explain why they did it?

What the hell, I'll give it a whirl.

Background!-

Never had particularly nice father, alcoholic, beating other stereotypes. When I was around 15, my brother got attacked in the street, got a pretty bad wound to the head (needed some plastic done) and my father was berating him and hit him while I was waiting for the ambulance with him. Couple days later my sister asked my bros coworkers if they knew anything about it daddio flipped his ****, dragged her around the house, intended to beat her, and her daughter. First time I stood up to him, we moved out for about a month went to a friend of hers.

My story!-

About a year later, on the night of my GCSE results, I come in and he's already steaming. Gets angry at something, starts shouting at my mom, says he's gonna kill me (specifically hang me), and I'm just "whatever.jpg" He actually gets the rope to strangle me, mom does nothing, and starts trying to get the job done. Luckily he's drunk, so getting out is nothing more than kneeing him in the face a couple times. I leave for about a year (cutting is early on though), go back to my sisters friend.

Sisters friend is real chill guy, would have been a great father himself, but had no kids. But he lived a LONG way away (I had to leave before 6AM to make it to school for 9AM. Plus, he worked late, so I'd often literally be alone, no one really to talk to, couldn't see anyone. First time I did it I was upset and it was literally to see what the fuss was about, just morbid curiosity. But it felt sort of great. So I did it high up on my thigh, occasionally arms/hands (bit I never went deep enough to scar, so as to not get judged). The worst was when I broke a glass, a long, thin filament broke off, and I just thought "I bet that would feel great", and like a moron I jabbed it into my leg (it even made the squidgy sound effect you hear on TV when people get stabbed).

All turned around a couple months later I was seeing a few friend at Christmas, and they had all organised to have a free house so I could stay with them, and I realised how stupid and petty it was to do that to myself.


I think I'll do 6 lines on my right arm, don't know if it's known in the UK.

 

[webhead9707]

What the hell, I'll give it a whirl.

Background!-

Never had particularly nice father, alcoholic, beating other stereotypes. When I was around 15, my brother got attacked in the street, got a pretty bad wound to the head (needed some plastic done) and my father was berating him and hit him while I was waiting for the ambulance with him. Couple days later my sister asked my bros coworkers if they knew anything about it daddio flipped his ****, dragged her around the house, intended to beat her, and her daughter. First time I stood up to him, we moved out for about a month went to a friend of hers.

My story!-

About a year later, on the night of my GCSE results, I come in and he's already steaming. Gets angry at something, starts shouting at my mom, says he's gonna kill me (specifically hang me), and I'm just "whatever.jpg" He actually gets the rope to strangle me, mom does nothing, and starts trying to get the job done. Luckily he's drunk, so getting out is nothing more than kneeing him in the face a couple times. I leave for about a year (cutting is early on though), go back to my sisters friend.

Sisters friend is real chill guy, would have been a great father himself, but had no kids. But he lived a LONG way away (I had to leave before 6AM to make it to school for 9AM. Plus, he worked late, so I'd often literally be alone, no one really to talk to, couldn't see anyone. First time I did it I was upset and it was literally to see what the fuss was about, just morbid curiosity. But it felt sort of great. So I did it high up on my thigh, occasionally arms/hands (bit I never went deep enough to scar, so as to not get judged). The worst was when I broke a glass, a long, thin filament broke off, and I just thought "I bet that would feel great", and like a moron I jabbed it into my leg (it even made the squidgy sound effect you hear on TV when people get stabbed).

All turned around a couple months later I was seeing a few friend at Christmas, and they had all organised to have a free house so I could stay with them, and I realised how stupid and petty it was to do that to myself.


I think I'll do 6 lines on my right arm, don't know if it's known in the UK.

Holy shhhhh-expletive. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

[webhead9707]

When I was a young teen people used to self harm for fun. Things like sticking pins through their skin, getting other people to cut them.

There used to be this trend called 'smilies' which was when you got a clipper lighter really hot and burned your skin so it'd leave a mark like a smiley face.

I think people did it to look 'hardcore' or something. I never really got into it then (just a bit of a pain wimp ).

It wasn't until we started getting a bit older that I noticed the odd person was doing it a lot more seriously. I knew this one girl who was so bad her scars were all the way up her neck and chest... it was pretty scary to me. And i've had a friend actually try to kill himself that way, with a vertical cut.

Then when I was about 24, I went through a period of extreme depression for about a year or so, and it was at this point that I started secretly self harming (the tops of my legs because I didn't want anyone to see).

It is difficult to explain why it makes you feel better.

I know at the time, every single second of every day was painful. It was like torture. I was daydreaming about suicide all the time, and I was just going to the park after work with a bottle of cider and laying in the grass crying and drinking and wishing I didn't have people who loved me so that I could just die without hurting anyone. Nothing brought me happiness, not drink or drugs or friends or family. I felt nothing but this crushing ache in my chest.

So I guess the hot stinging feeling of a cut was comforting because it was just a different kind of pain from what I was feeling inside. And I so badly wanted an escape from that pain.

It's bizzare thinking back on it now, because that whole period of my life is pretty far behind me, and thankfully I came back from it without having to be medicated.

But I definitely think that's what it was for me.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's hard. You just reach this point where you feel like your heart is made of pure steel, and you're scared of death but scared of living..At least that's how it is with me. I just hate that you had to go through that, even though we haven't talked much, you seem like quite an amazing individual.

I've had people tell me they do it to remind them of what is real, like during a severe flashback.

That's how it is when I run. I've never cut, but I run til it hurts and that's why I do it. Just to remind myself what real pain feels like. I think that's why a lot of people cut.

Let me be clear here. I thought you were joking so I was using sarcasm mostly because when you said this:

You laughed as if you were joking.

So I said this:

Because I thought you were being factious.

Of course I know this is a serious issue. I've know people who have suffered from this and it most certainly is not like tattooing yourself. There can be an attraction to being nearer and nearer to death. Even an obsession with death that could lead to an actual suicide attempt. So I'm sorry I even acted as thought it was something to joke about when it is not. It is a serious problem that should be handled as such.

And not in the cool Thanos type way either.

 

[jaymes_e06]

No worries, I didn't think you were being offensive, I'm just super confused!

I never really saw self harm as something I was suffering with. I was suffering with depression, self harm was just something I did while I was sick.

Okay I just want to be clear that I was never trying to offend you.

 

[Spade]

I had a lesbian friend back in middle school who was in a roller coaster relationship. She'd scrape the hell out of her arm with anything sharp until it bled, and when I asked why- 'cause it's pretty frightening to see someone doing that in the middle of class- she said it was how she dealt with depression. I find it's hard to relate when you think of it literally. Why would you want to hurt yourself over the slights of others? A lot of people see it as weakness, an escape from the greater challenge of dealing with your problems in a well-adjusted manner. Yet we all handle our frustrations differently. Some yell. Others resort to snark. Still others get violent. I'll readily admit that I handle stress badly; either my temper flares or I go introvert. It's easier to be incredulous when you contrast their methods with your own, even if your own way could hardly be called enlightened. For those like her, they feel there's something wrong with them, and when their self esteem plunges so does their perspective. Ever wonder why famous people kill themselves when it seems from afar that they were set for life?

Since it's been brought up, self flagellation's a trickier line. Some of it's a result of mental illness. But sometimes it's to bring practitioners closer to the divine, as a way of repentance or show of fealty for concepts like original sin. Smacking your back with a cat o' nine tails until it looks like processed beef and crucifying oneself is kind of a weird way to show your love for Christ, yet it's an important ritual for Filipinos who recognize Holy Week. (Yes, I know someone's going to say "religion is for the mentally ill", but it's certainly not done out of sheer despair like cutting.) And then there's trails of manhood. Pain's a test of character there. Will you wimp out when your hands are stuck in leaf mittens with hundreds of drunk bullet ants stinging you, or bear through it and be seen by the rest of your society as an adult?

I'm hardly an expert in this. All I can say is, it's not as pathetic as some dismiss it as, though it's often an over-dramatic response to a temporary problem. Personally, whenever I'm at my threshold in a tough workout, I frame my pain with the reminder that someone once went through this. "This too shall pass."

 

[enterthemadness]

I've told my issues a few times on here.


I just let things get to me. Bad coping skills. I have issues. Anger issues and self harm issues. I sometimes torture myself mentally as well. Just putting myself down basically. Thinking about my life, where it's going. Thinking about co-workers laughing at me while I'm going insane. Whole cliche of going to the bathroom and looking at my wrists, and just thinking about the worst **** possible. If that makes sense. I dunno, I'm just too used to doing **** to myself. I know it's bad, but...I dunno, it's just what I do.

Being alone makes it worse, but I'm not too crazy. I haven't asked anyone out in just over 5 months...my life isn't together, so I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship even after my personal life and professional life is where I want it at. I've even thought about going to a hospital as of late. I just don't know anymore, but I just keep trying to move ahead in life is all.

 

[webhead9707]

I had a lesbian friend back in middle school who was in a roller coaster relationship. She'd scrape the hell out of her arm with anything sharp until it bled, and when I asked why- 'cause it's pretty frightening to see someone doing that in the middle of class- she said it was how she dealt with depression. I find it's hard to relate when you think of it literally. Why would you want to hurt yourself over the slights of others? A lot of people see it as weakness, an escape from the greater challenge of dealing with your problems in a well-adjusted manner. Yet we all handle our frustrations differently. Some yell. Others resort to snark. Still others get violent. I'll readily admit that I handle stress badly; either my temper flares or I go introvert. It's easier to be incredulous when you contrast their methods with your own, even if your own way could hardly be called enlightened. For those like her, they feel there's something wrong with them, and when their self esteem plunges so does their perspective. Ever wonder why famous people kill themselves when it seems from afar that they were set for life?

Since it's been brought up, self flagellation's a trickier line. Some of it's a result of mental illness. But sometimes it's to bring practitioners closer to the divine, as a way of repentance or show of fealty for concepts like original sin. Smacking your back with a cat o' nine tails until it looks like processed beef and crucifying oneself is kind of a weird way to show your love for Christ, yet it's an important ritual for Filipinos who recognize Holy Week. (Yes, I know someone's going to say "religion is for the mentally ill", but it's certainly not done out of sheer despair like cutting.) And then there's trails of manhood. Pain's a test of character there. Will you wimp out when your hands are stuck in leaf mittens with hundreds of drunk bullet ants stinging you, or bear through it and be seen by the rest of your society as an adult?

I'm hardly an expert in this. All I can say is, it's not as pathetic as some dismiss it as, though it's often an over-dramatic response to a temporary problem. Personally, whenever I'm at my threshold in a tough workout, I frame my pain with the reminder that someone once went through this. "This too shall pass."

Dang..I'd never heard of the Anna Bates thing...That's rough.

I've told my issues a few times on here.


I just let things get to me. Bad coping skills. I have issues. Anger issues and self harm issues. I sometimes torture myself mentally as well. Just putting myself down basically. Thinking about my life, where it's going. Thinking about co-workers laughing at me while I'm going insane. Whole cliche of going to the bathroom and looking at my wrists, and just thinking about the worst **** possible. If that makes sense. I dunno, I'm just too used to doing **** to myself. I know it's bad, but...I dunno, it's just what I do.

Being alone makes it worse, but I'm not too crazy. I haven't asked anyone out in just over 5 months...my life isn't together, so I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship even after my personal life and professional life is where I want it at. I've even thought about going to a hospital as of late. I just don't know anymore, but I just keep trying to move ahead in life is all.

That's all you can do. Just keep trying to move forward. I'm available if you ever want to talk to anyone. And like you said, there are ways to get help. Hospitals, therapists, (therapists, I would avoid The Rapists) there are ways to get help. Hoping all the best for you mate!

 

[jaymes_e06]

I had a lesbian friend back in middle school who was in a roller coaster relationship. She'd scrape the hell out of her arm with anything sharp until it bled, and when I asked why- 'cause it's pretty frightening to see someone doing that in the middle of class- she said it was how she dealt with depression. I find it's hard to relate when you think of it literally. Why would you want to hurt yourself over the slights of others? A lot of people see it as weakness, an escape from the greater challenge of dealing with your problems in a well-adjusted manner. Yet we all handle our frustrations differently. Some yell. Others resort to snark. Still others get violent. I'll readily admit that I handle stress badly; either my temper flares or I go introvert. It's easier to be incredulous when you contrast their methods with your own, even if your own way could hardly be called enlightened. For those like her, they feel there's something wrong with them, and when their self esteem plunges so does their perspective. Ever wonder why famous people kill themselves when it seems from afar that they were set for life?

Since it's been brought up, self flagellation's a trickier line. Some of it's a result of mental illness. But sometimes it's to bring practitioners closer to the divine, as a way of repentance or show of fealty for concepts like original sin. Smacking your back with a cat o' nine tails until it looks like processed beef and crucifying oneself is kind of a weird way to show your love for Christ, yet it's an important ritual for Filipinos who recognize Holy Week. (Yes, I know someone's going to say "religion is for the mentally ill", but it's certainly not done out of sheer despair like cutting.) And then there's trails of manhood. Pain's a test of character there. Will you wimp out when your hands are stuck in leaf mittens with hundreds of drunk bullet ants stinging you, or bear through it and be seen by the rest of your society as an adult?

I'm hardly an expert in this. All I can say is, it's not as pathetic as some dismiss it as, though it's often an over-dramatic response to a temporary problem. Personally, whenever I'm at my threshold in a tough workout, I frame my pain with the reminder that someone once went through this. "This too shall pass."

I just wanted to say I agree with all of your incites and wanted to add that it also gives people a physical sense of control much like eating disorders. Some have so little control in their lives they feel they need to find it by self harm as represented by Llama_Sheperds post.

What the hell, I'll give it a whirl.

Background!-

Never had particularly nice father, alcoholic, beating other stereotypes. When I was around 15, my brother got attacked in the street, got a pretty bad wound to the head (needed some plastic done) and my father was berating him and hit him while I was waiting for the ambulance with him. Couple days later my sister asked my bros coworkers if they knew anything about it daddio flipped his ****, dragged her around the house, intended to beat her, and her daughter. First time I stood up to him, we moved out for about a month went to a friend of hers.

My story!-

About a year later, on the night of my GCSE results, I come in and he's already steaming. Gets angry at something, starts shouting at my mom, says he's gonna kill me (specifically hang me), and I'm just "whatever.jpg" He actually gets the rope to strangle me, mom does nothing, and starts trying to get the job done. Luckily he's drunk, so getting out is nothing more than kneeing him in the face a couple times. I leave for about a year (cutting is early on though), go back to my sisters friend.

Sisters friend is real chill guy, would have been a great father himself, but had no kids. But he lived a LONG way away (I had to leave before 6AM to make it to school for 9AM. Plus, he worked late, so I'd often literally be alone, no one really to talk to, couldn't see anyone. First time I did it I was upset and it was literally to see what the fuss was about, just morbid curiosity. But it felt sort of great. So I did it high up on my thigh, occasionally arms/hands (bit I never went deep enough to scar, so as to not get judged). The worst was when I broke a glass, a long, thin filament broke off, and I just thought "I bet that would feel great", and like a moron I jabbed it into my leg (it even made the squidgy sound effect you hear on TV when people get stabbed).

All turned around a couple months later I was seeing a few friend at Christmas, and they had all organised to have a free house so I could stay with them, and I realised how stupid and petty it was to do that to myself.


I think I'll do 6 lines on my right arm, don't know if it's known in the UK.

Thank you for sharing it is very brave of you to do so. I am truly sorry you had to live through that nightmare. I'm glad you came out on the other end of it.

 

[Hawkingbird]

I have sympathy for them, sure. But I'll never understand WHY someone does it. What I mean by that, is I understand why depressed people turn towards hedonistic escapist pleasures such as drinking and drugs to feel better, but I'll never understand how driving a knife through one's skin provides relief. It seems if you cut yourself you're even more messed up than if you drink or do drugs to forget your pain, because there's so much self-hatred involved in mutilating yourself like that. I do have a lot of sympathy for them like I said though, because it seems like it's mostly younger kids who have had pretty tough upbringings.

Well I have self harm issues. For me it works as two things. When I am angry, it is my way of releasing my frustration. I find it difficult to cope with certain situations and so my head begins to feel like it's about to explode. I literally cannot picture anything beyond the moment. Cutting releases that. Another reason why I used to cut (I've been like 2 months free now) is that my depression makes me feel numb. Cutting is a way of feeling when you can't feel anything else.
Unfortunately it is very common among those who suffer from mental health issues. At the psychiatric hospital I was in, almost all patients suffered from it. It isn't attention seeking. And people who do it for attention obviously have issues that need to be addressed, and their problem is just as worse as those who do it for other reasons.

 

[Llama_Shepherd]

I just wanted to say I agree with all of your incites and wanted to add that it also gives people a physical sense of control much like eating disorders. Some have so little control in their lives they feel they need to find it by self harm as represented by Llama_Sheperds post.

It usually sounds cliche, but I do think a big part of it, is the fact that besides any relief you get from a blade, is that you have something you can control. A lack of control seems present in mine, Hopefuldreamer's (I now feel I understand your old name), ETM's and Hawkingbird's stories.

When I was a young teen people used to self harm for fun. Things like sticking pins through their skin, getting other people to cut them.

There used to be this trend called 'smilies' which was when you got a clipper lighter really hot and burned your skin so it'd leave a mark like a smiley face.

I think people did it to look 'hardcore' or something. I never really got into it then (just a bit of a pain wimp ).

It wasn't until we started getting a bit older that I noticed the odd person was doing it a lot more seriously. I knew this one girl who was so bad her scars were all the way up her neck and chest... it was pretty scary to me. And i've had a friend actually try to kill himself that way, with a vertical cut.

Then when I was about 24, I went through a period of extreme depression for about a year or so, and it was at this point that I started secretly self harming (the tops of my legs because I didn't want anyone to see).

It is difficult to explain why it makes you feel better.

I know at the time, every single second of every day was painful. It was like torture. I was daydreaming about suicide all the time, and I was just going to the park after work with a bottle of cider and laying in the grass crying and drinking and wishing I didn't have people who loved me so that I could just die without hurting anyone. Nothing brought me happiness, not drink or drugs or friends or family. I felt nothing but this crushing ache in my chest.

So I guess the hot stinging feeling of a cut was comforting because it was just a different kind of pain from what I was feeling inside. And I so badly wanted an escape from that pain.

It's bizzare thinking back on it now, because that whole period of my life is pretty far behind me, and thankfully I came back from it without having to be medicated.

But I definitely think that's what it was for me.

If you don't mind my asking, what sent you into this period of depression, and then what got you out?

I've told my issues a few times on here.


I just let things get to me. Bad coping skills. I have issues. Anger issues and self harm issues. I sometimes torture myself mentally as well. Just putting myself down basically. Thinking about my life, where it's going. Thinking about co-workers laughing at me while I'm going insane. Whole cliche of going to the bathroom and looking at my wrists, and just thinking about the worst **** possible. If that makes sense. I dunno, I'm just too used to doing **** to myself. I know it's bad, but...I dunno, it's just what I do.

Being alone makes it worse, but I'm not too crazy. I haven't asked anyone out in just over 5 months...my life isn't together, so I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship even after my personal life and professional life is where I want it at. I've even thought about going to a hospital as of late. I just don't know anymore, but I just keep trying to move ahead in life is all.

Personally, I wouldn't even bother trying to pursue a relationship at the moment. If you're not content being alone, you shouldn't force a situatiom where you become dependent on one person. I found just getting to spend time with your friend will help, if you say you're struggling, they wil be there and you can try and do something to take your mind off it.

Well I have self harm issues. For me it works as two things. When I am angry, it is my way of releasing my frustration. I find it difficult to cope with certain situations and so my head begins to feel like it's about to explode. I literally cannot picture anything beyond the moment. Cutting releases that. Another reason why I used to cut (I've been like 2 months free now) is that my depression makes me feel numb. Cutting is a way of feeling when you can't feel anything else.
Unfortunately it is very common among those who suffer from mental health issues. At the psychiatric hospital I was in, almost all patients suffered from it. It isn't attention seeking. And people who do it for attention obviously have issues that need to be addressed, and their problem is just as worse as those who do it for other reasons.

If it's not too intrusive to ask: When and for how long were you in a psychiatric facility? How was the experience? I was told it was an avenue maybe worth pursuing, but I just wouldn't have been able to do that. Also, since you haven't stopped for too long, how are you managing?

Thank you for sharing it is very brave of you to do so. I am truly sorry you had to live through that nightmare. I'm glad you came out on the other end of it.

Holy shhhhh-expletive. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Thanks for the kind words I try to see it as a positive thing. One of the things that will turn me into the man I'll become. At the very least I learnt some independence from it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

If you don't mind my asking, what sent you into this period of depression, and then what got you out?

I'd had some panic/anxiety issues most of my life, but my big depression happened when I'd gone back home after University and was living in this really destructive environment.

It's funny, because at the time I couldn't see that it was that causing the problems. But now i'm in a much better place I know it definitely was.

Bascially, I was in a job I hated and was kind of getting bullied at work. I was in a home I didn't feel sane or safe in (my housemate and most of our friends were out of work and becoming drunks/druggies, heroin addicts etc, and there were ALWAYS people visiting or crashing with us, and it was just always a complete mess with people making no sense), and i'd lost all sense of direction because I didn't know what to do to get myself out of there and into a better job/town. Life just felt so utterly pointless.

It started with just occasionally i'd find myself daydreaming at work about jumping out the third floor window. And these daydreams were becoming my only way of surviving the day, and of calming me down.

But they started coming on really strong, and it was like no matter what I did, i'd imagine dying like a fantasy. If I went to the doctors, i'd imagine being diagnosed with cancer. If I was in a car, i'd imagine dying in a car crash. If I was swimming i'd imagine drowning etc.

And I think once you realise how much you want to die, but you feel like you CAN'T because of the people that love you, living then becomes really hard work... it hurts, it's a constant suffocating effort to do ANYTHING.

I started drinking pretty heavily myself, but not with my housemate or our friends... I just wasn't going home or to anywhere people were. I was getting cider or vodka and just going to the park or the woods and listening to loud angry music while getting wasted and grabbing onto the ground and crying.

The cutting started when it got to winter and it was too cold to be outside. So I felt like I couldn't escape the house and the parties anymore... so I was locking myself in my room and instead of bothering to scream at people to be quiet or get out anymore (which I was so sick of doing), I was just cutting my legs whenever I got really angry at something they'd done or if they'd been particularly loud.

At first it was all in secret in my room. Then I started doing it at work too. Then I was just doing it when I was really drunk and not even bothering to hide it, and people (my housemate included) started to realise something was horribly wrong.

The stupidest thing I did was walking slowly straight into the sea. One of my friends spotted me on the beach and got to me before I got too far... but yeah, that was the closest thing to a suicide attempt i've ever done.

What snapped me out of it?

Yeah that's a bit inexplicable.

I mean, I got myself to the doctor and went through the system, which takes a while. First you get basically a telephone interview, which was just me slumped on the floor in the hall telling this women that I didn't want to be alive. Then I saw a councilor a few times face to face, and he just kept trying to convince me to go on prescription drugs, which I so didn't want because i'd seen what it had done to a few of my friends.

At this point I had no idea what I wanted.

I was desperately clinging to my job, i'm not even sure why. I guess I thought if I had to keep living (which I did, for my mum mostly) then I needed to earn enough money to have a roof over my head and afford booze and food and internet. So I hadn't completely lost it.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I was sat at work one day and instead of one of my usual death fantasies, I started day dreaming this idea for a novel.

I started writing it down, and it's like this imagination floodgate had opened and I couldn't stop writing for days. I went a bit manic with it. I was just so excited to be ENJOYING something again.

And I think when that floodgate opened, it's like my ability to imagine how the future COULD get better was suddenly turned on again.

I dunno, it's hard to explain. My life didn't exactly get better for a long time after that. In fact, I started doing the very drugs that had been driving me so mad, and carried on living a pretty messed up life for a while.

But I stopped wanting to die pretty suddenly and randomly, and I never cut myself again after that either.

....

Well that was a much bigger ramble than I intended!

My life is soooooo much better now. I live in the city, I have a group of positive and fun friends around (sure, there are still drugs about sometimes, but not so much for the sake of it and not all the time), I have a job I enjoy and workmates that make me laugh all day long, and I live in my own studio apartment that I LOVE. I'm pretty lucky I got out of there

 

[Hawkingbird]

It usually sounds cliche, but I do think a big part of it, is the fact that besides any relief you get from a blade, is that you have something you can control. A lack of control seems present in mine, Hopefuldreamer's (I now feel I understand your old name), ETM's and Hawkingbird's stories.



If you don't mind my asking, what sent you into this period of depression, and then what got you out?



Personally, I wouldn't even bother trying to pursue a relationship at the moment. If you're not content being alone, you shouldn't force a situatiom where you become dependent on one person. I found just getting to spend time with your friend will help, if you say you're struggling, they wil be there and you can try and do something to take your mind off it.



If it's not too intrusive to ask: When and for how long were you in a psychiatric facility? How was the experience? I was told it was an avenue maybe worth pursuing, but I just wouldn't have been able to do that. Also, since you haven't stopped for too long, how are you managing?




Thanks for the kind words I try to see it as a positive thing. One of the things that will turn me into the man I'll become. At the very least I learnt some independence from it.

I was in for 4 months for depression/eating disorder this year and when I was 13 (nearly 4 years ago) I was in one for nearly 6 months for an eating disorder. It wasn't voluntary, I was told if I didn't I would be sectioned under the mental health act. Although it was horrible, especially as I spent a lot of time on bed rest, it got me partially better and I'm glad I went. But it was disturbing to say the least and had a lot of security things so people couldn't escape. I'm from Britain so it was free under the NHS. It was so hard and there's things I saw there that I never want to see again. I'm in a much better place now however

 

[Llama_Shepherd]

Well that was a much bigger ramble than I intended!

Ha! It's fine, it's not exactly a subject to be abridged.

My life is soooooo much better now. I live in the city, I have a group of positive and fun friends around (sure, there are still drugs about sometimes, but not so much for the sake of it and not all the time), I have a job I enjoy and workmates that make me laugh all day long, and I live in my own studio apartment that I LOVE. I'm pretty lucky I got out of there

I'm glad. It seems I'm not alone in thinking that maybe sometimes these experiences might actually end up being a blessing in disguise, who knows how your life would be if it never happened. Maybe if you were content beforehand you mightn't have left.

I was in for 4 months for depression/eating disorder this year and when I was 13 (nearly 4 years ago) I was in one for nearly 6 months for an eating disorder. It wasn't voluntary, I was told if I didn't I would be sectioned under the mental health act. Although it was horrible, especially as I spent a lot of time on bed rest, it got me partially better and I'm glad I went. But it was disturbing to say the least and had a lot of security things so people couldn't escape. I'm from Britain so it was free under the NHS. It was so hard and there's things I saw there that I never want to see again. I'm in a much better place now however

Wow, you're actually not much younger than me, maybe just a year or two, which is one of the reasons I wouldn't have wanted to go to a psych place, especially with how you described it. But I definitely think I'd have kicked up a fuss had I been 'forcefully coerced' into going, but if it worked for you, it's great.

Also, that's 3 Brits in one thread. Maybe it's an epidemic in the UK

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Ha! It's fine, it's not exactly a subject to be abridged.

I'm glad. It seems I'm not alone in thinking that maybe sometimes these experiences might actually end up being a blessing in disguise, who knows how your life would be if it never happened. Maybe if you were content beforehand you mightn't have left.

That's very true and definitely something I believe.

In an extreme way I'm sort of glad I experienced it, because I want to have felt all of life... Even the hard parts where ur right on the edge

Also, that's 3 Brits in one thread. Maybe it's an epidemic in the UK

I think we're just more open about it.

That's one think I like about the UK. We're pretty consistently unabashed, no matter what kind of person we are.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Could having to deal with certain deaf, caustic people be considered self harm?