FINALLY! My Freakin' Book!

[JewishHobbit]

Quite a few of you have been hearing me talk about a book I'm writing for years. Two actually. I started one a long time ago but nearly gave up on it before it was even a few chapters long, but thanks to some compliments and constructive criticism by a few here (Twilight and Midnight Ice specifically) I was encouraged to continue my writing and better myself. However, while I learned a great deal and liked what the latter part of the book was like, I recognized that it was a growing process and that the first half of the book really did suck and the whole thing would need rewritten... and so I put that idea on the shelf to start a new project that I would take more seriously.

Earlier this year I devoted to this 2nd book and put away a lot of extra things I liked to do for fun, such as spending time on the hype (specifically playing things like Hype Survivor and the Contest Of Marvels), reading comic books, relaxing... etc. And it finally paid off and I've finished the writing of the novel and 4 or 5 horribly boring months of editing. The story is completely finished and probably starting this weekend I will begin sending letters to agents to find someone to represent me in my attempts to get published.

Now, the best way to go about this is to write a query letter. I've done this, but as this is the first impression I'll ever make with anyone professional, I have to be very careful in my wording, punctuation, etc. I have to hook the agent with the one page query letter to make them WANT to ask me for the rest of the manuscript to actually consider becoming my agent. Without an agent, I'll never be published, so this means a lot to me. I've written this letter, rewrote it, scrapped it, wrote again, rewrote it, reread it, loved it, hated it, and am just tired now. I wouldn't mind some fresh eyes to feast on it for a bit and give me their opinions. So my friends at Hype... does this query letter interst you? When you read it, does it make you curious what the actual story brings? Do I sound interesting enough to make you want to 'represent' me? Any punctuation issues I'm missing? Just looking for some feedback. (ignore the obvious edits... for my own saftey)

Thanks,
JH.

JewishHobbit
123 Hype Community
Superherohype.com, OH. 1001001
(123) 456-7890
[email protected]

December 7, 2008

Mr. John Doe
The Agent Agency
123 W. Agent St.
Somewhere Important, NY. 10010

Dear Mr. Doe,

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale. I've always had interesting dreams, but there was one that woke me and made me want to write it out. A strange scene mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school. Being a person of creative mind I took this dream and evolved it into an estimated 30,000-word fantasy novel entitled The Quest For Light. This story is geared toward young adults that is not only designed to entertain, but also to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real life adventure that will show him what the true value of family is. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next in the company of the Children Of Light; reality bending protectors of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light; the only one who can free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, a great evil pursues them; the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young but never took it too seriously until just after high school. It was then that I realized my love of writing and creating tales. Having married and started a family young, I was unable to attend college to further this love, and so I became self taught in the ways of properly telling a story. Nine years and two books later I find my work to be something I am proud of; something that I wish to share with the world. Not only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope for your convenience, and if this letter appeals to your interests, I am prepared to send a complete manuscript of The Quest For Light upon your request.

I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JewishHobbt

 

[AndThePickles]

Dear Mr. Doe,

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale. I've always had interesting dreams, but one in particularwoke me up and made me want to write it out. ->this next sentence is a fragmentA strange scene mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school. Being a person with a creative mind, I took this dream and evolved it into an estimated 30,000-word fantasy novel entitled, "The Quest For Light." Geared toward young adults, this story is not only designed to entertain, but also to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice-divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real-life adventure that will show him what the true value of family is. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next in the company of the Children Of Light: reality-bending protectors of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light, who is the only one who can free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place pursues them.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young but never took it too seriously until just after high school. It was then that I realized my love of writing and creating tales. Having married and started a family young, I was unable to attend college to further this love, and so I became self taught in the ways of properly telling a story. Nine years and two books later I find my work to be something I am proud of, and something that I wish to share with the world. ->next one is a fragment. I'd also remove this sentenceNot only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope for your convenience, and a complete manuscript of "The Quest For Light" is available upon request.

I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JewishHobbt

~~~~~~~

Did some basic edits for ya Your letter did catch my attention...it's important to keep it short and sweet, and I didn't feel like you were rambling. I'd read your manuscript!

 

[Abaddon]

I'm sure I have an MLA laying around somewhere but I think Pickles took care of that. It sounds fine. Best of luck.

 

[JewishHobbit]

Thank you for your suggestions. Most of them I completely agree with. It's amazing how editing and re-editing can just fry my brain. Not only that but since I've been editing for so long, I've not actually written in months. I'm finding myself making mistakes I know better than to make. Hence, why I need some fresh eyes. And my mother and grandmother just thinks everything I show them is gold... so no help there. My wife's a little better but she's not much of a writer (or reader) so though she wants to help, her criticism is limited.

And I'll probably still keep the line about "not only this one story..." as I did put that in for a specific reason. Every book and how-to guide I've read say the same thing. An agent does not want to respresent a book, they want to represent a career. That line is telling them that this story isn't all there is and that there's more to come.

Now, apart from sentance structure and such... does it draw interest at all for the story or for me as a writer in general? If not, do you have any suggestions on how to improve it?

 

[JewishHobbit]

I'm sure I have an MLA laying around somewhere but I think Pickles took care of that. It sounds fine. Best of luck.

Thank you sir. Having no formal training on how to write I always feel a bit insecure, but if I never try I'll never amount to anything. I may get turned down by every agent and publisher there is, but at least I'll know that I gave it my best. Who knows... maybe I'll be that 1 in 1,000 that gets concidered.

 

[AndThePickles]

And I'll probably still keep the line about "not only this one story..." as I did put that in for a specific reason. Every book and how-to guide I've read say the same thing. An agent does not want to respresent a book, they want to represent a career. That line is telling them that this story isn't all there is and that there's more to come.

Now, apart from sentance structure and such... does it draw interest at all for the story or for me as a writer in general? If not, do you have any suggestions on how to improve it?

Ah ha, that makes sense. Definitely keep that sentence, then! Just make it a complete sentence.

I think it draws interest to the story and to you, although for me it made me think more about you, the writer, as opposed to your story. Others may disagree! It also depends on if you want the letter to focus on one aspect more than the other.

 

[JewishHobbit]

Hey... anything to make you think about me

 

[JewishHobbit]

And with that thought... I'm off to bed.

 

[Ahura Mazda]

Hi JH,

I have a few comments but they are more substantive as I will not attempt to correct grammar when there are people more proficient then I am.

1. In your first paragraph you define the demographic you are going after while eliminating all others.

Why not state:

"I believe this story will appeal to many, especially in this time of economic crisis, as it involves elements of fantasy as well as a hero who comes from a dysfunctional lower middle class family."

instead of

This story is geared toward young adults that is not only designed to entertain, but also to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation.


2. Why do you need to say you were not able to go to College. How is that helpful? I would leave it out, and if they are interested they will find out later anyways.

In any case, I wish you all the luck in the world and if I can help, send me a PM.

 

[hammy]

Hi Jewish Hobbit,

First of all, you may get more input if you post this in the fan fic section.

Here's my two cents:

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young but never took it too seriously until just after high school. It was then that I realized my love of writing and creating tales. Having married and started a family young, I was unable to attend college to further this love, and so I became self taught in the ways of properly telling a story. Nine years and two books later I find my work to be something I am proud of; something that I wish to share with the world. Not only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I don't think this paragraph is helping you. There is no need for them to know you didn't attend college at this point. That will come out soon enough. Also, saying you dreamed up characters as a kid isn't really saying much. That's pretty standard fare for children. I would recommend you think very carefully about what you are trying to convey to someone you hope will help you - in this paragraph. I'm not getting a positive or purposeful vibe from this paragraph.

I would also say you need a much stronger first sentence. "A dream can say a lot," just doesn't cut it. If it weren't for the success of Twylight I'd say scrap it altogether, but some agents might have their interest piqued on that basis, alone.

Also, have you researched markets for this book? I'm asking because 30,000 words is more of a novella length. An agent or publisher has to have a niche for your work or they won't be interested. Make sure you see a place for this.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

 

[JewishHobbit]

I really don't want to mention my having never gone to college, but according to the Guide To Literary Agents that section of the query letter should detail my accomplishments, training, previous publications, etc. Unfortunately, I have none of the above. I never cared to follow this path until too late and haven't been able to do anything since. So I'm not sure what else to do there other than to show that though I hadn't gone to college or had formal training, I am serious enough to spend 9 years teaching myself how to do this properly. And my mentioning having written 2 books is my showing that I am devoted and will not quite, that I'm hungry for this.

It's the best I can think of. Any suggestions on how I can better show this?

Also, have you researched markets for this book? I'm asking because 30,000 words is more of a novella length. An agent or publisher has to have a niche for your work or they won't be interested. Make sure you see a place for this.

I'm researching now with the Guide to Literary Agents. It is definately a smaller book (130 pages on regular printed paper) but that's what I wanted. I have a lot of larger ideas (most ideas are trilogies or more) but I wanted my first book to be smaller and complete, so I went with this one. And I had to estimate the word count using a formula the book provided. I actually expected a lot larger count myself.

 

[JewishHobbit]

Okay... so still working with this. I've updated the query letter so I'll post it here in a moment to see if you guys finding it better or worse. However, that word count just felt really low. So I said screw the formula and I played with Open Office and found how to do an actual page count. So yeah... not 30,000 words. It's actually just a tad over 85,000 words. So it's definately a novel.

Dear Mrs. Agent,

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale. I've always had interesting dreams, but one in particular woke me up and made me want to write it out. It was a strange scene, mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school. Being a person of creative mind I took this dream and evolved it into an 85,000-word fantasy novel entitled, “The Quest For Light.”

Having been born into a broken home I've never really felt the loss of a father. However, when my mother and step-father of twenty years separated in 2006, I witnessed it's devastating effects first hand on the lives of my younger brothers and sister. It was then that I began to apply the glue that I feel is the most important element of this story's structure. Combining such elements as “The Wizard Of Oz” and “The Breakfast Club”, this story is geared toward young adults, designed not only to entertain, but to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation as well.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real life adventure that will show him the true value of family. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next, led by defenders of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light, the only person with the ability to free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, a great evil pursues them, the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young, but it wasn't until after high school that I realized my love of the art. Devoting nine years to writing and study, I now find my work to be something I am proud of, something that I wish to share with the world. Not only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your convenience and a complete manuscript of “The Quest For Light” is available upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JewishHobbit

 

[JewishHobbit]

Okay... so still working with this. I've updated the query letter so I'll post it here in a moment to see if you guys finding it better or worse. However, that word count just felt really low. So I said screw the formula and I played with Open Office and found how to do an actual page count. So yeah... not 30,000 words. It's actually just a tad over 85,000 words. So it's definately a novel.

Dear Mrs. Agent,

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale. I've always had interesting dreams, but one in particular woke me up and made me want to write it out. It was a strange scene, mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school. Being a person of creative mind I took this dream and evolved it into an 85,000-word fantasy novel entitled, “The Quest For Light.”

Having been born into a broken home I've never really felt the loss of a father. However, when my mother and step-father of twenty years separated in 2006, I witnessed it's devastating effects first hand on the lives of my younger brothers and sister. It was then that I began to apply the glue that I feel is the most important element of this story's structure. Combining such elements as “The Wizard Of Oz” and “The Breakfast Club”, this story is geared toward young adults, designed not only to entertain, but to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation as well.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real life adventure that will show him the true value of family. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next, led by defenders of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light, the only person with the ability to free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, a great evil pursues them, the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young, but it wasn't until after high school that I realized my love of the art. Devoting nine years to writing and study, I now find my work to be something I am proud of, something that I wish to share with the world. Not only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your convenience and a complete manuscript of “The Quest For Light” is available upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JewishHobbit

 

[Spidey-Bat]

I'm reading over your latest version and will post my suggestions when I'm done.

 

[Spidey-Bat]

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale.

This is kind of awkward. You're comparing "a lot" with "a tale". Look for more comparable synonyms.

I've always had interesting dreams, but one in particular woke me up and made me want to write it out.

I would omit "woke me up". It's not really necessary. I'd also say "write it down" instead of "write it out".

"It was a strange scene, mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school."

I would write it this way (if this is what you're trying to convey)
"It's a strange juxtaposition to see a surreal, enchanted forest inhabited with interesting creatures and people I know in real life"

Being a person of creative mind I took this dream and evolved it into an 85,000-word fantasy novel entitled, “The Quest For Light.”

I would omit “Being a person of a creative mind”
I think you should lowercase "for" since similar words are usually lowercased in titles.

Having been born into a broken home I've never really felt the loss of a father. However, when my mother and step-father of twenty years separated in 2006, I witnessed it's devastating effects first hand on the lives of my younger brothers and sister.

2 grammar mistakes: it’s should be its. Also, sister should be sisters.

It was then that I began to apply the glue that I feel is the most important element of this story's structure.

I would replace "glue" which "substance". I feel it fits better.

Combining such elements as “The Wizard Of Oz” and “The Breakfast Club”, this story is geared toward young adults, designed not only to entertain, but to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation as well.

I would rewrite as:
Combining elements from such movies as “The Wizard of Oz” and “The Breakfast Club”, this story is geared toward young adults and designed to entertain as well as reach out to the victims of broken homes and status segregation.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real life adventure that will show him the true value of family. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next, led by defenders of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light, the only person with the ability to free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, a great evil pursues them, the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place.

I would rewrite the bold part as:
Alongside his best friend, the school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one strange world to the next. Each world has been corrupted by a great evil which pursues Elliott and his friends along their journey. Their quest concludes when they rescue The Lady of Light who has the power to purge the evil from the many worlds.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young, but it wasn't until after high school that I realized my love of the art.

I would rewrite the bold part as “when I discovered my love of art”

Devoting nine years to writing and study, I now find my work to be something I am proud of, something that I wish to share with the world.

I would rewrite it as:
After devoting nine years to writing and studying, I now find my work to be something I am proud of and wish to share with the world

Not only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

My rewrite:
I hope to share not only this story, but others that I have created in my imagination since my youth.

 

[JLBats]

Okay, maybe I'm just dumb and have fallen victim to the "It's Die Hard, on a bus!" syndrome, but the part that really makes me want to read your novel is

"Combining such elements as “The Wizard Of Oz” and “The Breakfast Club”, this story is geared toward young adults, designed not only to entertain, but to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation as well."

 

[Showtime]

Dear Mr. Doe,

A dream can say a lot, and if you allow, it can also tell a tale. I've always had interesting dreams, but one in particularwoke me up and made me want to write it out. ->this next sentence is a fragmentA strange scene mixing a surreal enchanted forest with interesting races and people I barely knew from high school. Being a person with a creative mind, I took this dream and evolved it into an estimated 30,000-word fantasy novel entitled, "The Quest For Light." Geared toward young adults, this story is not only designed to entertain, but also to speak to the victims of broken homes and status segregation.

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice-divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of a real-life adventure that will show him what the true value of family is. Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in class, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next in the company of the Children Of Light: reality-bending protectors of a corrupted web of worlds. Their quest will conclude with the salvation of The Lady Of Light, who is the only one who can free the web from the dark influences it has fallen under. However, the very evil that corrupted the web in the first place pursues them.

Since I was a child I've enjoyed dreaming up characters and worlds but have never found a suitable avenue to explore them. I began putting my ideas into writing when I was young but never took it too seriously until just after high school. It was then that I realized my love of writing and creating tales. Having married and started a family young, I was unable to attend college to further this love, and so I became self taught in the ways of properly telling a story. Nine years and two books later I find my work to be something I am proud of, and something that I wish to share with the world. ->next one is a fragment. I'd also remove this sentenceNot only this one story, but all the others that have been building in my imagination since young adolescence.

I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope for your convenience, and a complete manuscript of "The Quest For Light" is available upon request.

I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JewishHobbt

~~~~~~~

Did some basic edits for ya Your letter did catch my attention...it's important to keep it short and sweet, and I didn't feel like you were rambling. I'd read your manuscript!

You've been waiting for this moment your entire life.

 

[Ronny Shade]

here's what I'm thinking.

1. It's too long. Get to the point.
What's the point? Here's the point: They want to read your book. Your book is ****ing awesome.

2. Less about you, more about the book. They don't care about you. They care about whether the book will sell.
Tell us more about the characters. Give us a couple details that really paint an "interesting" on the protagonist. Give us a description of one or two scenes that really pop out and embody the spirit, if not the story of your book.

I learned a bit about pitching screenplays in college, but I don't know much about the publishing world, so take it as you will.

 

[hammy]

Hi Jewish Hobbit.

I think your revised query is much better. I like that you dropped the bit about college and used that space to tell more about the story. I think that was a wise move. I still think the first couple of lines could be improved a bit .. and I think Spidey-Bat has some decent suggestions for smoothing sentences out a bit here and there. Overall, you made a BIG improvement. Just keep honing it until there is not one word left to change. You're a lot closer, imo.

 

[JewishHobbit]

Thanks everyone. I'm in no hurry to send this out and plan on tweaking it everyday until I can't possibly change one more thing. Unfortunaetely, I'm the kind of person that will edit and edit and edit and will never be happy with it. So when I feel like I've looked over the thing so much that everything sucks, that's about when I post it here.

 

[jaguarr]

First, congratulations on completing your book. Having the commitment and fortitude to do even that is a major accomplishment in of itself, I know. You should be very proud of yourself for that. Getting published is a black art, though. It's part skill, part luck of the draw, part finding the right people who will be interested enough in your work to publish you and then you have to hope they're not the type who will f**k you on the contract. Self-publishing is the wave of the future, especially with the internet now at our disposal.

That said, Ronnie is right about your intro letter. Get to the point. More about the book and just enough about you to pique their interest. They get THOUSANDS of these letters and manuscripts every week. You need to catch their attention within the first two sentences and hold it long enough to write the right thing that will intrigue them. Short and to the point. They won't something more than a couple of short paragraphs.

jag

 

[Drakon]

Seems I'm pretty late to the game, so I'll avoid pointing out things pointed out by others, and just wish you the best of luck, and demand that if you get in, to look your old, one-legged buddy Drak up.