Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

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This is a continuation thread, the old thread is [split]379711[/split]

 

[Dreadstar]

Maybe men and women cannot be friends! Eventually one will want to be more with the other.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Maybe men and women cannot be friends! Eventually one will want to be more with the other.

It's different, in my opinion, but kind of the same too. I think there are certain women who are attractive, that I, for example just don't see in that way. Although in many cases this is not the case, and as guys we tend to be seeking sexual partners in women, so we're always looking for girls who fit the girlfriend mold and less girls who fit the friend mold, a group we generally fill with guys, girlfriend's/wives of guys anyways.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Usually if one of my bros is dating her she's an automatic friend and I pretty much just keep it that way. I know one girlfriend (actually two as of now) who have gotten a little touchy feely with me despite dating someone in my crew, but those are kind of situations unto themselves, and I just let the chips fall where they may there. I definitely do have women who are attractive I can stay friends with. In most cases if I was 18 or over and I knew you when you were really little, and now you've grown up, yeah, not going there. To me that smacks of wrong or boning some chick I knew when she was way a minor and I was not. For me I never really shake that image of them, and I'd remember talking to them about their stupid barbie collection and coloring and boys with cooties and it just would do anything for me. Plus I'd remember how annoying and hyperactive they were, and if they turned out especially ho-ish it's kind of like you can point to a moment in time and say "wow, that's where those parents really f***ed up. Right there!".

 

[terry78]

Yeah, some dudes can just turn that **** off though.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

How about for new title 'The Lord of the Advice: The Return of the Ex'

 

[Darthphere]

It's different, in my opinion, but kind of the same too. I think there are certain women who are attractive, that I, for example just don't see in that way. Although in many cases this is not the case, and as guys we tend to be seeking sexual partners in women, so we're always looking for girls who fit the girlfriend mold and less girls who fit the friend mold, a group we generally fill with guys, girlfriend's/wives of guys anyways.

Yeah. My two best friends are girls and I can honestly say I've never been attracted to them. That might be from the fact that we grew up together and we knew each other since we were little kids but yeah I've never thought of them in the "Yeah I'd like to tap that" kind of way. They're almost like sisters to me.

 

[Dreadstar]

Ok, boys and girls, comic girl started texting me tonight after our Saturday time together. She asked me to get together with her and her ALONE either this Wednesday or Thursday and Friday night for beers. (again alone!) No group of friends. She is going to text me tomorrow. She has NEVEr asked me to get together with her before Saturday. Now of all a sudden its "we should get together!" Honest to God, this is good, but WTF??????

What do you make of this development?

So I am thinking this chick is into me. I could be wrong. But this was all her, not me! I was at a bar watching the Stanley Cup playoffs when she started to text me tonight.

I am thinking she is attracted to me because I told her about fling girl and she wants what she cant have!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Erz-

Most of our knee jerk reactions are based on experience.

I think almost every one has a story where they pined after someone, they didn't reciprocate but they foolishly kept at it, because they thought if they were patient and a good friend, they'd think of them differently.

It could be totally different situation for Nave especially if he can "truly" just be friends.

But in my experience trying to be friends with someone, who you had feelings for and they didn't feel the same way, and there was a distance afterwards and then meeting up later and you're still single and no other prospects? Just seems to be picking up right where you left off.

And then say Nave becomes friends with her again and they spend time together, is it really that easy to say....well I can't afford to develop feelings for her.

Well you know how you can NOT develop feelings for her? By not being around her OR having someone else.

I guess I just have different experience of how I handle being rejected by a friend.

I just think if you grow to fall for someone who was your friend, it's because they are an awesome person that you really love having in your life.

And I think it sucks if you have to loose that awesome person from your life just because you can't handle the fact it can't be anything more.

I mean, I'm sort in a situation right now where I maybe a little bit fell for a very close male friend and he doesn't feel the same way.

It got all weird before he went to Thailand, we kind of both confessed to being a bit confused because we kept hooking up and we were really close, but sort of agreed it's not a place we should go. And it brought up a whole mess of feelings for me.

It's been a few months gap while he's been abroad, he comes back, and we are both perfectly capable of slipping straight back into the friendship we were comfortable with before.

Do I still have mixed feelings? Sure. But why does that have to mean I should avoid him and ignore him? That'd make things MUCH more awkward since I have to see him around sometimes, we have all our friends in common. And besides... I don't want to ignore him. I love the guy to bits, I love his company. He's one of the few people I can have a real conversation with or can go out for a quite drink on our own, and vice versa. How does it hurt me to be his friend?

And I think it's the same for Nave. All you have to do is stop trying to be anything more, and do not expect anything more, and you can enjoy being around that person again.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Ok, boys and girls, comic girl started texting me tonight after our Saturday time together. She asked me to get together with her and her ALONE either this Wednesday or Thursday and Friday night for beers. (again alone!) No group of friends. She is going to text me tomorrow. She has NEVEr asked me to get together with her before Saturday. Now of all a sudden its "we should get together!" Honest to God, this is good, but WTF??????

What do you make of this development?

So I am thinking this chick is into me. I could be wrong. But this was all her, not me! I was at a bar watching the Stanley Cup playoffs when she started to text me tonight.

I am thinking she is attracted to me because I told her about fling girl and she wants what she cant have!

That's good. That's all good it sounds. Spending time together alone will be a much better circumstance for you.

 

[Erzengel]

Erz-

I guess I just have different experience of how I handle being rejected by a friend.

I just think if you grow to fall for someone who was your friend, it's because they are an awesome person that you really love having in your life.

And I think it sucks if you have to loose that awesome person from your life just because you can't handle the fact it can't be anything more.

I mean, I'm sort in a situation right now where I maybe a little bit fell for a very close male friend and he doesn't feel the same way.

It got all weird before he went to Thailand, we kind of both confessed to being a bit confused because we kept hooking up and we were really close, but sort of agreed it's not a place we should go. And it brought up a whole mess of feelings for me.

It's been a few months gap while he's been abroad, he comes back, and we are both perfectly capable of slipping straight back into the friendship we were comfortable with before.

Do I still have mixed feelings? Sure. But why does that have to mean I should avoid him and ignore him? That'd make things MUCH more awkward since I have to see him around sometimes, we have all our friends in common. And besides... I don't want to ignore him. I love the guy to bits, I love his company. He's one of the few people I can have a real conversation with or can go out for a quite drink on our own, and vice versa. How does it hurt me to be his friend?

And I think it's the same for Nave. All you have to do is stop trying to be anything more, and do not expect anything more, and you can enjoy being around that person again.

Does the fact you are from a small town and you see everybody all the time even after break ups enable just seeing the same people day in and day out?

Let me go a step further, say what if you or Nave met someone else, how would you explain your friend who went to Thailand or Nave's "friend"? Not sure how things are in your area, but a lot of people would be uneasy with that.

Even if you are in a mature, stable relationship, someone, and it's a little worse with you because you actually hooked up, but some guy may not be entirely happy you still are "great friends" with a guy you were intimate with.

I wouldn't forbid the friendship but it would make me uncomfortable being in the same room. Hey, guess what we have in common.

 

[Dreadstar]

I have been warned by 2 people that comic girl will break my heart. WTF? How? Right now I feel like Sara Connor, I have been targeted for termination!

She cant go 2 days without texting me and she makes these contrived situations in order to get together. I think we will have sex, but thats it if she is going to break my heart. I think they meant that comic girl would eventually leave me for a younger man. We are over 20 years apart. This might be what they mean by her breaking my heart. But I have to admit, i LOVE the attention. 2 months ago I had NO women in my life, now I have 2!

I have a good thing with fling girl. Fling girl is 1 year older than me, so we are close in age. Fling girl wanted me to meet her friends, but I blew that off! My friend said that In doing that I have defined this relationship as a fling, thus ending anything before it starts. He says I am done in 2-3 months! WTF? I texted fling girl and said I was sorry and if I can meet her friends because its her way of introducing me to her world and thats important to her.

comic girl is mild mannered and meek, yet she is acting like the terminator. She is very up front about us getting together. I am stunned! Maybe she is a **** and just looking to get banged, which is fine.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Does the fact you are from a small town and you see everybody all the time even after break ups enable just seeing the same people day in and day out?

Let me go a step further, say what if you or Nave met someone else, how would you explain your friend who went to Thailand or Nave's "friend"? Not sure how things are in your area, but a lot of people would be uneasy with that.

Even if you are in a mature, stable relationship, someone, and it's a little worse with you because you actually hooked up, but some guy may not be entirely happy you still are "great friends" with a guy you were intimate with.

I wouldn't forbid the friendship but it would make me uncomfortable being in the same room. Hey, guess what we have in common.

I completely acknowledge that a lot of my experience is down to the small town dynamic.

But when it comes to friendship groups, is it really so different outside of a small town? I mean, if you all hang out in the same bar scene together or something, you're bound to keep running into each other, no matter what size the town is. One person would have to consciously leave the friendship group or you would have to learn to get along. Shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother have given perfect examples of that sort of thing.

Or for example, I lived in Cardiff for 3 years for uni. Didn't stop me from dating a guy for two weeks, then dumping him, then not seeing him for a while, then going back to being friends and having a laugh together if we were at the same party or in the same class.

And it's certainly a similar situation for Nave, who has friends in common with this girl, has classes with this girl, and may even soon be working with this girl.

I mean, what is he supposed to do. Be robotic around her? Be weird and distant?

Just talk to her. Be friends again.

You don't have to suddenly start spending all your time with her and pining after her again. I just don't see how you can actively TRY and not be her friend in that situation, and why you would want too.

As for the question of how a partner would feel about my male friendships - well that's a hurdle I will have to deal with one day.

I will say this though. If I have any close male friends at the time, I certainly won't be dropping them because it makes my partner uncomfortable.

I'll be dropping said partner if me being close friends with a guy makes him uncomfortable.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have been warned by 2 people that comic girl will break my heart. WTF? How? Right now I feel like Sara Connor, I have been targeted for termination!

She cant go 2 days without texting me and she makes these contrived situations in order to get together. I think we will have sex, but thats it if she is going to break my heart. I think they meant that comic girl would eventually leave me for a younger man. We are over 20 years apart. This might be what they mean by her breaking my heart. But I have to admit, i LOVE the attention. 2 months ago I had NO women in my life, now I have 2!

I have a good thing with fling girl. Fling girl is 1 year older than me, so we are close in age. Fling girl wanted me to meet her friends, but I blew that off! My friend said that In doing that I have defined it as a fling. He says I am done in 2-3 months! WTF? I texted fling girl and said I was sorry and if I can meet her friends because its her way of introducing me to her world and thats important to her.

comic girl is mild mannered and meek, yet she is acting like the terminator. She is very up front about us getting together. I am stunned! Maybe she is a **** and just looking to get banged, which is fine.

Do you want to have an actual future with either of these girls? Do you have feelings for either of these girls?

Or are you just enjoying a couple of flings?

I mean, how do you see this ending?

I wouldn't say heartbreak, but this whole scenario could certainly lead to something messy and stressful.

 

[Dreadstar]

I have feelings for BOTH women, thats whats so screwed up!!!!

If I could, I would go with comic girl and eventually ask her to move in with me, BUT in a few years, the age thing might tear us apart! LOOK, we are over 20 years (ACTUALLY over 25 years apart!!!)(Comic girl knows this) The fact that 2 unrelated people have warned me that comic girl has the potential for more heart ache is troubling. HOW WILL SHE break my heart? I HAVE everything going for me, she has little going for her! I dont see how she will break my heart but then I am emotionally involved, so I would not see it. I am better suited for now and the future with fling girl because we are only 1 year apart!

Is age REALLY that important???

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have feelings for BOTH women, thats whats so screwed up!!!!

If I could, I would go with comic girl and eventually ask her to move in with me, BUT in a few years, the age thing might tear us apart! The fact that 2 unrelated people have warned me that comic girl has the potential for more heart ache is torubling. HOW? I dont see it but then I am emotionally involved, so I would not see it. I am better suited for now and the future with fling girl because we are only 1 year apart!

But doesn't fling girl just want a fling?

And as for your friends, are they giving any reasons? Seems random to just say 'she's gonna be heart break' and not explain why they think that.

 

[Dreadstar]

Fling girl wants to see where this thing will go. The FACT that she was willing to introduce me to her friends suggests that she is interested in more. The fact that she went with me to Avengers suggests she is trying to be a part of my world. The fact that I blew off her friends suggests to her that I am not interested in anything long term with her. (which I am trying to fix).

My friend says its too late and fling girl and I are done because I blew off her friends! She is going out of town with a friend this weekend. My friends says that I am going to come up as a topic of conversation. He says fling girls friend is going to say something like this, " Yes, the sex is great with your guy but he blew off your friends, this guy is a jack#@! so dump him!"

Am I correct ?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I have feelings for BOTH women, thats whats so screwed up!!!!

If I could, I would go with comic girl and eventually ask her to move in with me, BUT in a few years, the age thing might tear us apart! LOOK, we are over 20 years (ACTUALLY over 25 years apart!!!)(Comic girl knows this) The fact that 2 unrelated people have warned me that comic girl has the potential for more heart ache is troubling. HOW WILL SHE break my heart? I HAVE everything going for me, she has little going for her! I dont see how she will break my heart but then I am emotionally involved, so I would not see it. I am better suited for now and the future with fling girl because we are only 1 year apart!

Is age REALLY that important???

First of all, I don't know why you'd listen to the random musings of two unrelated people. I usually live by a simple code when it comes to gossip like that: "F*** what most people say because they're probably lying".

But, I mean there is no sure thing, and frankly you are way over the top about this. Just go out whenever she wants to and see how it goes. She may try to pull one over on you. I mean girls come to my house and sometimes nothing happens. Actually, I guess the majority of the time nothing happens really.

You've already brought up moving in and I'd really caution you from thinking in that direction. Especially since it's been two years with relatively little from her in the way of romantic interest. As I've tried to explain to you before she may be hanging out with you because your current "relationship" means you're not a threat to her sexually anymore. Before she may have worried you were into her, now she's taking your current "girlfriend" as a sign that you are not. So like I said, you're just way too over the top about this.

I mean going out for beers certainly sounds promising and is a solid chance to get liquored up, but it is on a weekday, so that's usually also a convenient way to avoid sex or going back to someone's place.

To me she hasn't done anything yet to justify all the angst and emotions you seem to be having about it. Lots of 'just friends' outings, and seeming non chalant about you having a sex partner is not a good start. Like I say, the girls I suspect are interested in me or are interested in me all think the women I date are way crazy and don't want to hear about me having sex with them. I, as of yet, haven't read anything of yours that suggests Comicgirl has underlying romantic or sexual feelings towards you so you still need to be treating this for what it is. Which is, at the moment, nothing.

Good for you for getting alone time, it'll give you an opportunity to push the issue a bit and maybe get her closer to you. You can flirt a bit more openly with her too, but that's about where you are at.

 

[Erzengel]

I completely acknowledge that a lot of my experience is down to the small town dynamic.

But when it comes to friendship groups, is it really so different outside of a small town? I mean, if you all hang out in the same bar scene together or something, you're bound to keep running into each other, no matter what size the town is. One person would have to consciously leave the friendship group or you would have to learn to get along. Shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother have given perfect examples of that sort of thing.

That's television not reality. I use to become really good friends with the people my friends would date but after they broke up, I always sided with my original friend.

Or for example, I lived in Cardiff for 3 years for uni. Didn't stop me from dating a guy for two weeks, then dumping him, then not seeing him for a while, then going back to being friends and having a laugh together if we were at the same party or in the same class.

And it's certainly a similar situation for Nave, who has friends in common with this girl, has classes with this girl, and may even soon be working with this girl.

I mean, what is he supposed to do. Be robotic around her? Be weird and distant?

Just talk to her. Be friends again.

You don't have to suddenly start spending all your time with her and pining after her again. I just don't see how you can actively TRY and not be her friend in that situation, and why you would want too.

Like I previously said, I wouldn't go out of my way to be mean to her, but I wouldn't be at her beck and call friend.

I know Nave swears up and down, that he could be friends again, but playing the odds, and my own experiences, plus other posters who have recited similar stories, it usually ends the same way.

Also, I'm not a fan of settling. Nave wanted more, she didn't. Why should he have to settle for something less than what he wanted.

As for the question of how a partner would feel about my male friendships - well that's a hurdle I will have to deal with one day.

I will say this though. If I have any close male friends at the time, I certainly won't be dropping them because it makes my partner uncomfortable.

I'll be dropping said partner if me being close friends with a guy makes him uncomfortable.

So you'd be cool if your boyfriend was still really good friends with his ex? They could hang out? Drink together? Maybe one night she had too much, it's cool if she stays at his place right?

As much trust you have for a significant other, there also has to be respect.

Now I'd be hypocrite if I said exes can't be friends. I met up with an ex, a while back when I was dating someone else. Nothing went on, but it was pretty much a one time deal. They were in town for a few days. We had lunch and I took them sight seeing.

But, to hang out with them every week and then giving a significant other, attitude because they are uncomfortable with all the time I'm spending with them? Well, that just shows how little I think of their feelings and how unwilling I am to compromise.

 

[Hound55]

Or for example, I lived in Cardiff for 3 years for uni. Didn't stop me from dating a guy for two weeks, then dumping him, then not seeing him for a while, then going back to being friends and having a laugh together if we were at the same party or in the same class.

But... but... but he'd be Welsh...

I don't think I can look at you the same anymore...

 

[Dreadstar]

Ok, let me clarify, comic chick and me are getting together for beers on a Friday night. I will have to drive her home.

 

[Hound55]

I had to do a double-take when you said comic chick then, thinking it may have been someone here...

 

[terry78]

I had to do a double-take when you said comic chick then, thinking it may have been someone here...

Yeah, we were gonna have to go into big brother mode for a minute there.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Ok, let me clarify, comic chick and me are getting together for beers on a Friday night. I will have to drive her home.

Okay, certainly better than what I thought you said before. In keeping with the message thus far though I'd still play it cool. I haven't picked up on any explicit romantic interest on her part...yet...but if anything Friday will give some definitive information to that one way or the other. I'd just play the whole thing as friendly and a little aloof (try to flirt more openly too) but I wouldn't start doing this whole 'grand plan' thing you seem prone to do in your posts. You have a good thing going with the one girl, so the good news is if this doesn't pan out you have something already.