Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

[Hawkingbird]

Is there anything I can help her with

Tell her you will no longer be attracted to her if she looses a load of weight. Tell her is destroys your life down to every detail.

 

[Erzengel]

Again, L.A., this isn't something you can fix. This is something she's going to want to fix and will probably require some sort of professional help if she hasn't gotten it already.

 

[lixdexia]

Tell her you will no longer be attracted to her if she looses a load of weight. Tell her is destroys your life down to every detail.

yeah, because that's helpful. load on more mental issues.

 

[L.A.]

Tell her you will no longer be attracted to her if she looses a load of weight. Tell her is destroys your life down to every detail.

Not sure if serious

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You're a better man than me.

I had a conversation with that chick for 20 minutes a week ago, and next thing I know I'm showing her my O-face in the bathroom.

I've pulled one in ten minutes, f*****ed that chick in public in about two minutes, and picked one up literally with just eye contact. I don't think I actually said anything to the one I f*****ed.

If anything I'm pretty good at initiating physical contact. Last night my date was bragging about her [okay] abs so much later when I was chilling with her on the couch with my arm around her I said "let me see your abs", so she lifts her shirt and I put my hand on them to feel them and lean in. I then look straight up at her and move in. Worked perfectly.

Then after that, I made out for about a minute. At that point I just break off and grab her hand gently and start walking towards my bedroom. I don't say anything. Just start walking. I don't hang onto her either. So no tugging her off the couch. Then I just walk purposefully to my bedroom. Let her enter first. Then (and I'm pretty good shape so maybe this is just what I can do) but I just start taking my shirt off. I see the whole thing is like a dance and so I have to take the lead. In my view the girl won't do what you're not willing to.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Again, L.A., this isn't something you can fix. This is something she's going to want to fix and will probably require some sort of professional help if she hasn't gotten it already.

And it's not something a potential boyfriend should be fixing. If you're in a committed relationship, a close friendship or a family member and you learned of this, you should definitely work with them to try and help them. However, I think it's too much for this early in a relationship to work on "fixing" her.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I've pulled one in ten minutes, f*****ed that chick in public in about two minutes, and picked one up literally with just eye contact. I don't think I actually said anything to the one I f*****ed.

If anything I'm pretty good at initiating physical contact. Last night my date was bragging about her [okay] abs so much later when I was chilling with her on the couch with my arm around her I said "let me see your abs", so she lifts her shirt and I put my hand on them to feel them and lean in. I then look straight up at her and move in. Worked perfectly.

Then after that, I made out for about a minute. At that point I just break off and grab her hand gently and start walking towards my bedroom. I don't say anything. Just start walking. I don't hang onto her either. So no tugging her off the couch. Then I just walk purposefully to my bedroom. Let her enter first. Then (and I'm pretty good shape so maybe this is just what I can do) but I just start taking my shirt off. I see the whole thing is like a dance and so I have to take the lead. In my view the girl won't do what you're not willing to.

I always find these posts funny, like you've worked some kind of magic on this sweet and innocent girl. It could be that she was just as horny as you and wanted a no strings attached hook up just as much.

 

[Anita18]

yeah, because that's helpful. load on more mental issues.

It's hard to say what's going to work on someone. Many people have come from rock bottom when they suddenly come to the epiphany of, "Why am I doing this to myself? This is f***ing STUPID." Tough love talk, but it only works when the person is ready.

If they're not ready then yeah, it could do more harm than good.

And it's not something a potential boyfriend should be fixing. If you're in a committed relationship, a close friendship or a family member and you learned of this, you should definitely work with them to try and help them. However, I think it's too much for this early in a relationship to work on "fixing" her.

I agree. And even then, you can't "fix" her if she doesn't want to be or isn't ready to be "fixed."

If she's not ready and you try to fix her, she'll probably just think you too are on a mission to make her fat and push you away.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I always find these posts funny, like you've worked some kind of magic on this sweet and innocent girl. It could be that she was just as horny as you and wanted a no strings attached hook up just as much.

I never claimed to trick her Nor that she's innocent, although I am puzzled as to what she is 'guilty' of. When did I claim this was 'no strings attached'?

She asked me out on a date. So of course she's interested and probably a little horny. What am I? Five? We're both adults and the worst thing she could've done was told me to stop. Which she did. We didn't have sex. She still asked me out again the next day. Oh and she wants to f***.

I see women as the aggressors. I think there are a lot of women I see who look at guys who are completely oblivious at how much they like them. Women definitely chase guys. I think women are sometimes very horny and I don't think they should be ashamed of it either. I also think I don't have any control over it. I mean just look at their eyes or how they walk when they're with a guy they like, they get turned on a lot quicker and more intensely than guys.

The other thing is I am never awkward in these situations. I feel very comfortable around women I find attractive. I think that helps them warm up to me quicker.

 

[obin_gam]

So first it was the easter holiday which delayed us meeting eachother, after that she contracted influenza which delayed it yet again, and when she got better we decided to meet today for lunch, but now this morning she said she had too much to study this period so she felt too stressed to meet.

I mean, first of all these are all perfectly valid reasons. It's not that I dont buy them, I do, and she seems happy when we talk... I'm just becoming so frustrated that it seems to take a hell of a lot of time to just meet up. I just dont know how to act next. I suggested meeting up this weekend instead when (at least from my point of view) studies arent as relevant as on weekdays. Havent heard back from her yet tho.

Annoying.

 

[Erzengel]

Once the ball is in her court, checking up on it again begins to look a bit needy. Walk away and let her come to you.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

So first it was the easter holiday which delayed us meeting eachother, after that she contracted influenza which delayed it yet again, and when she got better we decided to meet today for lunch, but now this morning she said she had too much to study this period so she felt too stressed to meet.

I mean, first of all these are all perfectly valid reasons. It's not that I dont buy them, I do, and she seems happy when we talk... I'm just becoming so frustrated that it seems to take a hell of a lot of time to just meet up. I just dont know how to act next. I suggested meeting up this weekend instead when (at least from my point of view) studies arent as relevant as on weekdays. Havent heard back from her yet tho.

Annoying.

Frankly the Easter one is probably more or less bullcrap as well. I got laid on Thanksgiving last year. Actually had to leave early to meet the girl. It was only the second time we had sex too. So I don't see why the lesser holiday of Easter takes up so much time unless she was out of town.

I mean, first of all these are all perfectly valid reasons.

You should never completely let her off the hook for them though. I mean everyone has too forego their plans every now and again, but if you really want to do something generally speaking you'll try to find a way to do it or both. So if someone's like "I have Easter stuff to do" you can ask them what they are doing, then try to find a way to make both plans work. A lot of people are anxious about going on dates, so they'll do whatever to avoid them. Also, a lot of people can be passive aggressive too. They'll make the date, and in a similar fashion to your post, continually avoid them.

 

[obin_gam]

Well the easter stuff was legit, she was away with her family to another city. But yeah, schoolwork is a kinda lame excuse... so much work that a lunch or just a sandwich cant be eaten?! I mean seriously.

I'm just gonna wait her out now, either we'll met this weekend or there's the 1st of May Bonfire on tuesday adjacent to our school which will be quite epic, music and such, which should provide a good meeting place I think.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well the easter stuff was legit, she was away with her family to another city. But yeah, schoolwork is a kinda lame excuse... so much work that a lunch or just a sandwich cant be eaten?! I mean seriously.

I'm just gonna wait her out now, either we'll met this weekend or there's the 1st of May Bonfire on tuesday adjacent to our school which will be quite epic, music and such, which should provide a good meeting place I think.

Frankly I'd work on your spontaniety a bit. There is six days left in this month, and honestly, I wouldn't go for something "epic" the first time, you can just be like "what are you doing?" then if she says she is free be like "do you want to hang out?". I would try it on an off day too, like a tuesday or a monday.

 

[obin_gam]

Yeah that sounds like a very good advice, thanks Have never been a spontaneous person anyway but I will defiantly shape up!

 

[amazingfantasy15]

So first it was the easter holiday which delayed us meeting eachother, after that she contracted influenza which delayed it yet again, and when she got better we decided to meet today for lunch, but now this morning she said she had too much to study this period so she felt too stressed to meet.

I mean, first of all these are all perfectly valid reasons. It's not that I dont buy them, I do, and she seems happy when we talk... I'm just becoming so frustrated that it seems to take a hell of a lot of time to just meet up. I just dont know how to act next. I suggested meeting up this weekend instead when (at least from my point of view) studies arent as relevant as on weekdays. Havent heard back from her yet tho.

Annoying.

She's just not that into you, sorry, that's what I'm taking away from this. She can be happy to talk to you, but still not want to meet. If she was really interested, she'd find the time. I've always used a two strikes and you're out rule, if you cancel two dates within the first few dates, then I just walk away.

 

[Hawkingbird]

Not sure if serious

It can turn serious in a snap.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

She's just not that into you, sorry, that's what I'm taking away from this. She can be happy to talk to you, but still not want to meet. If she was really interested, she'd find the time. I've always used a two strikes and you're out rule, if you cancel two dates within the first few dates, then I just walk away.

I wouldn't be creating a bunch of rules about it but I definitely agree she'll probably continue just stringing you along.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I wouldn't be creating a bunch of rules about it but I definitely agree she'll probably continue just stringing you along.

Well, how long are you supposed to keep letting yourself get strung along. I'm not one to make rules during a relationship. However, I'm not going to just keep letting myself get strung along, especially for just a first date. People do have busy lives, but you will be able to carve out a few hours of your day for someone you're actually interested in.

 

[Erzengel]

I usually go along with the ask twice, then walk away.

 

[obin_gam]

She's just not that into you, sorry, that's what I'm taking away from this. She can be happy to talk to you, but still not want to meet. If she was really interested, she'd find the time. I've always used a two strikes and you're out rule, if you cancel two dates within the first few dates, then I just walk away.

Yeah probably.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well, how long are you supposed to keep letting yourself get strung along. I'm not one to make rules during a relationship. However, I'm not going to just keep letting myself get strung along, especially for just a first date. People do have busy lives, but you will be able to carve out a few hours of your day for someone you're actually interested in.

Depends on the person, however I think you always should be exploring other options. My date Monday night asked me out after my date Thursday night with some one completely different. I don't think there is anything wrong with persistence BUT it can't bring your social life to a grinding halt. I think really as long as they'll talk to you there is a chance, but if they reject you, it can't be like "oh, my Friday in ru-eened". I don't think you should walk away so much as not putting all the eggs in one basket. Also having a positive attitude and showing you can still have fun in the face of rejection is about the only thing that'll change someone's opinion of you.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Depends on the person,

No, doesn't depend on the person, my ex, cancelled on our third date, for a legimate reason. I was really into her, but if she cancelled that third date one or two more times, that's it I'm done. It shows a clear lack of respect for you.

however I think you always should be exploring other options. My date Monday night asked me out after my date Thursday night with some one completely different. I don't think there is anything wrong with persistence BUT it can't bring your social life to a grinding halt.

You should definitely always be exploring other options. As to your point about the Monday date asking you out for a day you already had plans, that's a different story plans are already in place. You probably suggested another day when you were free. When we first started dating, it was really hard for my fiancee and I to plan dates because we had a lot of plans. Neither of us cancelled on a date, we just made sure to plan dates on nights we were free.

I think really as long as they'll talk to you there is a chance,

I don't buy this, he or she could just like the attention and an ace in the hole if the person they really want doesn't work out. I'm not going to be anyone's plan B or consolation prize.

but if they reject you, it can't be like "oh, my Friday in ru-eened". I don't think you should walk away so much as not putting all the eggs in one basket. Also having a positive attitude and showing you can still have fun in the face of rejection is about the only thing that'll change someone's opinion of you.

I referred to my "rule" as a pouting type of thing. It's more just not letting myself get strung along. I've had a few people cancel dates on me because they got sick, I knew where my friends where going to be that night, so just went there instead. I didn't sulk or anything. However, if someone continues to just make plans and break them, why keep trying to see them, they clearly don't want to see you.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

No, doesn't depend on the person, my ex, cancelled on our third date, for a legimate reason. I was really into her, but if she cancelled that third date one or two more times, that's it I'm done. It shows a clear lack of respect for you.

Honestly, I don't take things like that so personally. I'll usually let someone know if they've wasted my time though. Of course when I say "it depends" one mistake I think people make is trying to plan dates several days in advance. That works for *some* people, but it also leaves room for people to become anxious about it. Dating someone new is high risk behavior, it really is, so it pays to be cautious and flakey. It's safer. Hot chicks are, in my opinion, notoriously flakey, in fact that may be a 'people in general' thing. People like a challenge after all.

I don't buy this, he or she could just like the attention and an ace in the hole if the person they really want doesn't work out. I'm not going to be anyone's plan B or consolation prize.

I don't buy that anyone thinks things through this much. Most people I want nothing to do with I just ignore completely. At the bottom of my iPhone text window there is just a lovely collection of people I simply never respond to. Like a text graveyard. Although this is where SuperMike and I basically part ways. I believe any girl that is openly very friendly to a guy probably considers sleeping with him but attraction alone doesn't necessarily drive her to do it. When a girl tells you "no" really you should be making sure that "no" is final. One mistake people make time and again is they assume that they're the "loser" in this massive sea of "winners". Most relationship anxiety, nervousness, flakiness are common not uncommon. The girl who asked me out wanted to way back in October, and she's very attractive, and I know of quite a few people who wanted to get in her pants. The girl last Thursday, about the same stretch of time. The former takes medication for some pretty severe ADD, it makes her very challenging and very flakey, and very hard to read (she can be very emotional, then very stoic). That's her particular circumstance. For me though, this isn't a race. Of course I don't go about it quite like Obin Gam.

I referred to my "rule" as a pouting type of thing. It's more just not letting myself get strung along. I've had a few people cancel dates on me because they got sick, I knew where my friends where going to be that night, so just went there instead. I didn't sulk or anything. However, if someone continues to just make plans and break them, why keep trying to see them, they clearly don't want to see you.

I would make sure of the latter there before you make snap judgements. If they mean nothing to you, walk away. If you think they're worth it though you should always ask "why are you avoiding me?", "why do you keep cancelling our plans" or "I'm frustrated you cancelled on me".

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Thread manager needs to make some whoopie to this thread.