Money and marriage

[The Guard]

So...my wife just quit her job of three years yesterday without telling me. She wasn't terribly thrilled to be at her current place of employment, where she was a manager, and long term, wanted to look elsewhere for a career, but she wasn't exactly miserable. She loved a lot of things about where she worked, and they loved her. We'd had a number of discussions about her changing jobs in the last six months or so, and she'd even been all but handed a job for about one and a half times what she was already making, doing what she loves to do (theatre), and was going to look into it.

She was making decent money at her old job, enough that we were living comfortably if not extravagantly, not worrying about bills or expenses, doing recreational things, etc. In short, we both felt we were ready to take the next step in a little while, which for us means starting a family.

Oops. Apparently not.

Because she quit and took yet another similar job that she'd been thinking about for a while, a position with slightly more responsibility, that...drumroll here...somehow managed to involve an annual $10,000 pay cut. The hours are better, the work will probably be more interesting, and I'm sure she'll be back to making what she is now in two years, but...WTH?

Her birthday was at the end of last month, so we held a party for her, and our anniversary was earlier this month, so we spent quite a bit on that. In addition, we had a car that needed new tires, new bearings, and an alignment, and to boot, we saved up this month so she could travel to Chicago to audition for American Idol, which she's always wanted to do, so we came up with the funds to send her there, get her and her mother a hotel room for a couple nights, food and transportation budget, etc.

Now I find myself in a position where, although I'm not in debt over all that stuff due to some careful planning and budgeting, going forward, we have about $1,000 less a month to work with than we had before, after spending oh, I'd say about three years getting to the point where we could maintain our current lifestyle. Ironically, though, I'm not the one who cares about reaching a certain level in life. She is, albeit she only wants the basics. Kids, family, a house, etc. Not that the basics grow on trees.

It's not so much the money aspect of it, although that's important, as you cannot function too well without it...I'm sure we'll survive. I'm mostly just pissed to high heaven that she did this without even discussing it with me. A marriage is supposed to be, among other things, about trust, communication and cooperation, and this strikes me as incredibly disrespectful to those ideas.

I think she's having a "quarter life crisis" or something. I don't feel like I'm overreacting in being upset about what's happened, but maybe I am. I really do value the happiness of my wife above pretty much all else, but I also think she basically just reached for whatever was available that she didn't completely hate, and didn't bother to consider its impact on both of us.

Anyone have a similar story?

I've been sort of musing over the interplay between money and marriage for the last day or so. Bah.

 

[Darthphere]

Short response, that was a ****** thing to do. You have to discuss these type of things with your partner. End of story.

I'd start off with canceling the trip to Chicago.

 

[Wiseman]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[C. Lee]

With the economy being the way it is right now, this is not the time to be quitting a sure thing to try for something else for less money.

 

[AndThePickles]

Money is important when it is affecting another person so much. You have every right to be upset! This was a huge decision that she should have discussed with you. As C. Lee stated, it's also pretty much the worst time to be quitting a job for one that makes less money! Her happiness is important, but man, it was a selfish move on her part to do this without talking to you first

 

[Majic Walrus]

I definitely have some marriage and finance issues, they're complicated and really I could write a post as long as your chronicle up there about it.

Bottom line, people have money problems. Up until quite recently we never balanced our check book because we consistently had thousands of dollars just sitting around in there. I took a job that pays less and she was laid off and in turn just started a new job that pays less.

We now work opposing hours and have a 10 month old to take care of. On top of that we're moving soon. All in all it's a fairly rough situation so I know what you're feeling.

You're right to be upset, what she did was wrong. She definiately should've consulted you, but in all fairness to your wife it seems like your reaction, which is to be justifiably pissed off, was expected. She probably didn't consult with you because she was afraid you would tell her that you didn't approve.

 

[ChickenScratch]

I'm sorry to hear about that man. My wife wants to quit her job at the bank to go back to school for nutsing because she's a careing person. I put my foot down because in a marriage it's a partnership in all things and her quiting a job to go to school is not only loosing a paycheck but having me spend more money and would put us in a hole.

I find it totally disrespectful for your wife to quit her job or even to take one that pays less. In this day and age with unemployment so high and jobs so hard to come by if you have a job sweeping the floor be glad for it and work hard unless you having something lined up with more money (whereas she went in the opposite direction with you).

This is not the time for such sacrifices (in the strictest definition of the word: giving up a greater value for a lesser one) which she did. It's time to circle the wagons and everyone in the family to try to maximize earning potential.

 

[Tyrinus]

Now I find myself in a position where, although I'm not in debt over all that stuff due to some careful planning and budgeting, going forward, we have about $1,000 less a month to work with than we had before, after spending oh, I'd say about three years getting to the point where we could maintain our current lifestyle. Ironically, though, I'm not the one who cares about reaching a certain level in life. She is, albeit she only wants the basics. Kids, family, a house, etc. Not that the basics grow on trees.

That sentence speaks volumes as to how you deal with finances. Your "current lifestyle" needs to altered. Too many people focus on what they want instead of what they need.

 

[The Guard]

I'd say it speaks more to how we've structured our lives in general than our finances. I finished school about three years ago, did some career exploration, and spent about a year to get a good job. She worked her way into a management position a couple years ago. We got married last year, and frankly, even a budget wedding sans honeymoon isn't cheap.

Our current lifestyle is actually pretty frugal, and involved a reasonable dinner out and a good movie or two per month, and the ability to pay bills and loans on time. No travel, no clothing, video games, new appliances, furniture, you name it, we probably don't buy it. Our hobbies are inexpensive (writing, theatre and chorus), so that's not going to be affected much.

It's more about the fact that we'd just gotten to the point where we were able to start putting away decent money for the future, for things like a home, a car, or retirement investments, and it's just frustrating. Which I know from experience that a person definitely shouldn't count on. My father has often told me that no matter how much money you have, your expenses will always somehow rise to meet your income.

I certainly agree with focusing on what you need VS what you want...but without doing any of the things we want, I find we get pretty miserable. I suppose it's all about balance. We'll just have to feed the ducks more often. .

 

[The Guard]

And surprise, surprise...we had adjusted to a 30 hour a week schedule and what ended up being a third or so of her previous salary...

And then her hours started getting cut until she was working between 12-15 a week of late. She was then told by the franchisee that she could not work at a second, corporate owned location to make up hours, even though the corporate offices in charge of the other locations had already approved this.

So she went in to discuss the situation with the manager this afternoon, and was told "I'm not comfortable with any changes to my style, Saturday will be your last day, find another job".

Fantastic.

 

[Darthphere]

Wow.

 

[Wiseman]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Holy crap, I posted a serious answer to something before.....that's weird

 

[The Guard]

Maybe it was sarcasm.

I would prefer something less serious this time, actually.

It's annoying more than anything else. Which is odd.

Marital counseling awaits. Maybe I can make a thread out of that. That'd be fairly interesting...

 

[Wiseman]

Maybe it was sarcasm.

I would prefer something less serious this time, actually.

It's annoying more than anything else. Which is odd.

You know what will make you feel better, find her boss's car and stick bologna slices to the top of his car in a polka dot pattern in the morning, by the time he gets out of work his paint job will be ruined.....thousands of dollars in damage, you get a good laugh. Good times

 

[The Guard]

I was thinking about just anonymously calling the health department. Apparently there are some issues at this particular location.

 

[Wiseman]

I was thinking about just anonymously calling the health department. Apparently there are some issues at this particular location.

Do it, revenge isn't petty it's fun......anyone who tells you otherwise is lying

 

[TheZink]

I sympathize with your problems.

We found out about a month ago that my wife is pregnant. We were not trying to get pregnant, but were didn't prevent against either. I'm excited and happy, but our financial situation leaves much to be desired.

Currently she works full time, while going to school part-time to get her under-grad degree. I got my degree about 3 years ago and have been working full time since then. We dated for about a year, got engaged when I bought my house and she moved in. We got married last October. We have enough money to pay bills, dine-out occasionally, and have nice things in life. We know how to crunch money when the time calls for it, but we also like some breathing room.

Now with a baby coming we have to pay as many bills off as possible (her car, credit cards, furniture etc etc). Then I will be supporting the family since she'll be staying at home with the kid, probably for a few years after the kid is born.

It will be leaner times than what I am used to, but I'm sure we'll pull through.

 

[huskerwebhead]

Has she given any explanation as to why she didn't discuss the initial change with you? She should have talked to you about it, without question. What would you have said if she came to you and said she was truly unhappy with where she was and wanted to leave? Would you have forced her to stay where she was regardless?

I've been there, in a job that I just wasn't happy with anymore, had no interest in, and was sucking the life out of me. The people were great, the hours were fine, and the pay was good, but politics and management changes just made things unbearable. Sometimes you just need to move on to something different, even if it means a dip in pay. But, these things should at least be discussed with your spouse to make sure you can brace yourselves for the change.

 

[The Guard]

The bologna thing is just too damn much work.

It's occurred to me more and more often over the last month or so that it's silly how much money and time it takes to get established in any real sense. It's just damned silly. Best case scenario for most people, you either go to school and you're making good money, but you have so much debt you can't get free of it until you're in your mid thirties, or you can't get established or live comfortably until then because you have to work your way to that point and overcome this hurdle or that.

Stupid American Dream.

I know...that's life, and there are no guarantees, but it's still kind of silly.

The good thing is I've discovered what I already knew, it isn't about money and things for us. It's about each other.

Yes, we discussed the whole "change" thing when it happened. She was indeed scared I'd be angry, which is true, I was angry...because she didn't discuss it with me. We worked through the whole "If you'd just told me, I would have understood" thing. Had she simply told me she was unhappy, I would have understood, and no, I would not have forced her to stay where she was. Hopefully we're past that.

Anyway, update: just like that, she has another comparable job with the same company where the owners basically told her "Come work for us while you look for a better job".

I'm starting to wonder how she does that.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

The bologna thing is just too damn much work.

It's occurred to me more and more often over the last month or so that it's silly how much money and time it takes to get established in any real sense. It's just damned silly. Best case scenario for most people, you either go to school and you're making good money, but you have so much debt you can't get free of it until you're in your mid thirties, or you can't get established or live comfortably until then because you have to work your way to that point and overcome this hurdle or that.

Stupid American Dream.

I know...that's life, and there are no guarantees, but it's still kind of silly.

The good thing is I've discovered what I already knew, it isn't about money and things for us. It's about each other.

Yes, we discussed the whole "change" thing when it happened. She was indeed scared I'd be angry, which is true, I was angry...because she didn't discuss it with me. We worked through the whole "If you'd just told me, I would have understood" thing. Had she simply told me she was unhappy, I would have understood, and no, I would not have forced her to stay where she was. Hopefully we're past that.

Anyway, update: just like that, she has another comparable job with the same company where the owners basically told her "Come work for us while you look for a better job".

I'm starting to wonder how she does that.

You might not want to know.

 

[Anita18]

It's more about the fact that we'd just gotten to the point where we were able to start putting away decent money for the future, for things like a home, a car, or retirement investments, and it's just frustrating. Which I know from experience that a person definitely shouldn't count on. My father has often told me that no matter how much money you have, your expenses will always somehow rise to meet your income.

Yeah, that's how life is. Things ALWAYS pop up, don't they?

My bf and I have only been dating for a few months, but it's clear that neither of us buy into the current "American Dream." Going into ginormous debt to get an oversized house? Heck no. We've been dreaming about remaking a small trailer or RV and traveling around the US like minimalist hippies.

 

[katie_girl09]

You have every right to be upset. It was selfish of her to quit her job without talking it over with her HUSBAND, for crying out loud. AND during a recession! Although, it could be a good thing. Maybe (maybe) this is a sign that she is a bit too selfish or immature to have a child right now. No offense. Being a good parent often entails making a lot of sacrifices. It cannot be about you and what you want all the time.

I'm really sorry about your situation.

 

[katie_girl09]

I'm sorry to hear about that man. My wife wants to quit her job at the bank to go back to school for nutsing because she's a careing person. I put my foot down because in a marriage it's a partnership in all things and her quiting a job to go to school is not only loosing a paycheck but having me spend more money and would put us in a hole.

Is there any way that she can work part-time and go to school? I'm not gonna lie, nursing is a well-paid profession and its one of those fields that you can always find a job in. And paying off student loans (if she gets them) is not going to be a huge problem for an RN. I wouldn't really advise you to discourage her from nursing, but that's just me.

 

[Darthphere]

I'm sorry to hear about that man. My wife wants to quit her job at the bank to go back to school for nutsing because she's a careing person. I put my foot down because in a marriage it's a partnership in all things and her quiting a job to go to school is not only loosing a paycheck but having me spend more money and would put us in a hole.

She doesn't have to go to school for that?

 

[Ace of Knaves]

It's all good trying to better yourself and get a higher education or get a career that you really enjoy.

But in times like this that just isn't viable, unless you have loads of money saved up or mummy and daddy wanna take care of ya.

I wanna get into graphic design. But the courses are a **** load of money and I can't just quit my job to go back to school. I really, really, really wanna, but I've got no cover. I don't have parents that will splash out for me and I don't have thousands of pounds saved up.