Sequels My X5; X-Men Mutant Chaos.

[TKing]

Cool, it was fun to read Rogue absorbing and using all those powers. Would be cool to see those effects in a movie. Good job, as usual.

 

[Goddessreicho]

The power recall of Rogue was a good idea. Good job.

But let me saw this. It is obvious that you are: a casual comic fan, a hard core movie fan, a Rogue fan and an Jean fan.

Before you write again. Get a stronger grasp on the other characters. Ignore their movie counterparts. This is the problem with the first two movies. Singer washed thier personalies away. The only one that was remotely close was Wolverine,and that was because Singer could identiy with him.

Your Storm needs a ton of work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But wow. That wasn't Storm. And she was unreconizable in your x4 too. Get some old X-men or X-men Xtreme. That's when Storm was at her Stormiest. Especially when she fought Emma or when she was learning how to walk again.

Bobby, Logan, and some of the others needs work too.

Good plot, just work on pace and characterizations.

 

[TKing]

The power recall of Rogue was a good idea. Good job.

But let me saw this. It is obvious that you are: a casual comic fan, a hard core movie fan, a Rogue fan and an Jean fan.

Before you write again. Get a stronger grasp on the other characters. Ignore their movie counterparts. This is the problem with the first two movies. Singer washed thier personalies away. The only one that was remotely close was Wolverine,and that was because Singer could identiy with him.

Your Storm needs a ton of work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But wow. That wasn't Storm. And she was unreconizable in your x4 too. Get some old X-men or X-men Xtreme. That's when Storm was at her Stormiest. Especially when she fought Emma or when she was learning how to walk again.

Bobby, Logan, and some of the others needs work too.

Good plot, just work on pace and characterizations.

Before you write again, I suggest you check your spelling.

 

[MaleRogue]

The power recall of Rogue was a good idea. Good job.

But let me saw this. It is obvious that you are: a casual comic fan, a hard core movie fan, a Rogue fan and an Jean fan.

Before you write again. Get a stronger grasp on the other characters. Ignore their movie counterparts. This is the problem with the first two movies. Singer washed thier personalies away. The only one that was remotely close was Wolverine,and that was because Singer could identiy with him.

Your Storm needs a ton of work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But wow. That wasn't Storm. And she was unreconizable in your x4 too. Get some old X-men or X-men Xtreme. That's when Storm was at her Stormiest. Especially when she fought Emma or when she was learning how to walk again.

Bobby, Logan, and some of the others needs work too.

Good plot, just work on pace and characterizations.

Sorry not gonna happen
My Storm is good the way she is imo.
I have a good grab on everyone, and you are the only one who says this, a lot say that I have good character development.
Yes Rogue and Jean get the most, Storm less and not because of the movies but I never liked her, this is the best Storm I can get so sorry that is not gonna happen. And I never read a comic in my whole live, maybe one or two but certainly not more. I get it from Evo and TAS and the movies, and Storm comes over to me as a whiney character, I did research to her but I could care less about her and what was the "wow that isn't Storm".
And the Bobby thing is all wrong he is one of my faves, he has a lot of development in my stories. Yes Logan maybe could use some work... and I say MAYBE.... cause I like my Logan.
You have to realize that I make my own characters with their attitude etcetra, I am not someone who uses everything of comic attitude or something just my own.
EXCUSE ME work on pace??
I worked my ass of at the pacing. Take a closer look.

 

[MaleRogue]

Cool, it was fun to read Rogue absorbing and using all those powers. Would be cool to see those effects in a movie. Good job, as usual.

I have a manip of her recalling what also is gonna be my X6 poster
I will post it soon

 

[MaleRogue]

Ow and Thanks TKing for the nice comment
and you to PhoenixRisen thanks a lot
And Goddesreicho.... sorry I can not please everyone but I please myself, I made my pacing different because it was better to read, but the "I don't know this Storm" is kind of useless for me

 

[Goddessreicho]

First and foremost if you feel the need to check my spelling, then you just may have far to much time on your hands. Second of all the movies and Evolution changed the characters and mostly not for the good. Third the closest fans got to watching the characters was TAS. I don't know how you found Ororo whiney in TAS or Evo, but to each his own.

Here's an easy way to characterize Storm without ever getting it wrong:
Headstrong
Leader
Doesn't take sht from anyone for any reason
Aloof

Look I wrote this a while back and and even TKing gave me a good review. Pacing is making sure that things have a natural sequential order and aren't bombing the audience. You had alot of happening very quickly. Let your characters react to something before you move on.

Look this is a scene in a rewrite for Ntcrawler. It takes the place of the infirmary scene that was shown. Notice Jean's character. Those who see my post know that I hate Jean. With a passion. There are no redeeming qualities about any of her reincarnations. Even Evo annoyed me. I'll get into that later.

But just look:

Infirmary scene:

Ororo walks towards the bed in the middle of the medical bay. The sole light in the room illuminates the body of the woman in the bed.

Ororo slowly comes up to the body in quiet reverence.

Ororo: Jean. [Holds her hand] What were you thinking? How could you leave us like that? Why didn’t you let us save you? We were supposed to be a team. [raises her voice] A. TEAM. We were in it together. Why couldn’t you have faith in us? [Still being very angry with her] We’ve always had faith in you? I have always believed in you, sister, [She has tears in her eyes and hugs Jean’s upper torso] no matter how much I hated you.

She walks around the table to brush hair out of her face. Ororo sees the tangle mess that it is and finds a brush to begins to brush it. When she hits a snag, Jean’s eyes shoot open, and grab Ororo’s wrist.

Jean opens her eyes, blinks a few times. She sees a near frozen Ororo with her wrist in her hand. She lets go immediately.

Jean: Rory?

Ororo: Jean! [comes up and traces her cheek] It’s alright, hun. Everything is alright. Your going to be just fine.

Ororo rushes her friend and gives her a deep and genuine hug. Jean closes her eyes leans into the embrace, and hugs her back. They pull apart and Jean looks at Ororo with wonder and bewilderment.

Jean: What happened?

Ororo turns away from Jean. She hugs herself, and looks towards the ceiling with eyes brimming with tears. The muted sounds of heavy rain can be heard even in the subasement. When she composes herself, the rain stops, and she turns around with a worried expression to face Jean.

At this point Jean has sat up. Ororo sits next to her. Both women sit in silence for a few seconds letting their feet dangle over the edge of the bed.

Ororo: I...What do you remember, J?

Jean looks at Ororo at first with a blank stare, very slowly her expression changes from empty to that of unbridled fear.

Ororo: We found you at Alkali, and brought you back here. You’ve been here, unconscious, for two days.
Jean: I remember looking back at the jet. A mountain of water! So much. It was everywhere, coming in so fast. It caved in on me.

Ororo laces her hand through Jean’s. Jean closes her eyes and picks up on flashes of thought that Ororo is projecting. Images of an explosion and fire fly by, screaming voices dust and people panicking are everywhere. In the middle of the dust and scurrying people is a dilapidated sky rise. The point of view zooms in underneath the rubble, dust, scorched beams, broken glass ,and broken bent steal to a whimpering voice. In the dark with a single ray of light that just flicked away is a six year old Ororo Monroe. She is holding a black woman’s hand. The rest of the body is shrouded in darkness and a puddle of blood is coming out of the shadows. Roughly four or five feet away is the body of a impaled black man. His bloody impaled body is also shrouded in darkness except for his head. His face is stuck in pure raging agony. His eyes are open in horror there’s blood coming from his nose and mouth. Hanging around his neck is a broken professional photographer’s camera. It is a glaring reminder that no warning came for the sudden distraction. The little girl looks at her father and burst out in tears; she automatically wraps herself in a fetal position with her mother’s hand. The entire rubble structure begins to shake and buckle. Ororo looks up in time to see it begin to cave in...

Jean sees all of these images, and knows what Ororo sees. Her friend and sister has been there. She knows also what its like to be alone. To have those who have always been around suddenly gone, and both know the pang of having the world cave in.

This also angered Jean. Ororo also had something terrible happen to her, and far earlier as well. She was left to wonder alone, and yet, she had her complete mutation at her disposal since she was six. She got hers when she was twelve, and still struggled with them. Ororo alone could thrive by herself. Jean always lagged behind and constantly needed help. She needed the professor for guidance, she needed Scott for love, and she needed Logan for her feminine pride.

What was the one thing she didn’t need. She looked at Ororo with black eyes that resembled an abyss. No, she didn’t need Ororo at all.

After all she was nothing more than a marionette, a tool, for Xavier’s dream. No one would really miss her.

Ororo was still looking down at her feet.

Jean squints her eyes and rubs her temples. Trying to get into Ororo’s mind was not an easy task for any sort of telepath. Ororo’s body was like a lightning rod. It was constantly drawing in energy from all around. Her psyche was the same. It was covered in a sort of static electricity. A psychic trying to get in her mind would have a better time sticking a wet fork in a socket.

Ororo: Jean...are you...are you trying to get in my mind?

Jean laced her hand in Ororo’s, and squeezes hard. Really hard.

Ororo winced in pain.

Ororo:. What are you doing? [pauses] Ouch Jean, that hurts.

Jean: [laughs at her own antics in a slightly sadistic way] Do you want to know something? I’ve always envied your natural defenses. Tell me Rory, did Xavier ever block you. Hold you back. Make it so you couldn’t choose what you did with your own power. It must have been really nice not to him walking around in your head. [Italics are said with disdain.]

Ororo: Jean, your still hurting me. What are you talking about?

Jean eyes glow black. In response to Ororo’s fear, the temperature in the room spikes a few degrees. There’s a fine mist of humid fog that appears.

Jean: It’s not a rhetorical question.

Ororo: Jean. Please.

There was another terrifying squeeze.

Ororo answers with tears in her eyes: NO! Alright? No, he didn’t hold me back! Please just stop.

Jean leans in and whispers in a deadly soft voice: Teacher’s pet. Teacher’s pet.

Ororo: Jean, what’s wrong. Just tell me, what is it you want.

Jean: Freedom! [The sound of the word came from a deep and empty place.]

Jean lets go of a shocked Ororo. She slams her against the wall. Ororo takes no time and whitens her eyes to prepare for a fight that she knew deep down would be inevitable. When she allows her self to see the electric patterns that inhibit all things, she was shocked at what she saw in Jean.

Jean’s basic components, all the things that make a human being, seemed to be endless. Universal. Limitless.

Before Ororo could wrap herself around this concept she felt the wall behind her slip away and then engulf her. Before the panic set in she takes one final look at Jean and sees something truly out of this world. Jean was surrounded by a wisp of gold and red fire. It was strange because there was no heat. Ororo remembered studying Christianity and Judaism. There was a story about a holy bush. A sign sent from God that was fire but gave the prophet who touched it no burns. As she continued to be surround by the all consuming darkness, she saw the flames spread but burn nothing, and out of Jean’s shoulders sprang flaming wings. The wings of a bird made from a near holy power.

Ororo: [Whispers] No, please. Jean, stop. [Outloud] What have you become!

Ororo was thrown to the back of the small space. She felt around on the ground frantically for something to hold to, anything to give her the strength to fight the mind numbing phobia of enclosed spaces. She begins to search blindly on her hands and knees while shaking violently from sheer fear of her situation. After a few terrifying minutes, she finds nothing and gives up. Ororo sat down in the far corner, pulled her knees up to her chest and held her shaking body in this position for what seemed like forever. Tears run down her face as a natural response for the paralyzing fear. The seconds and the minutes that passed meant nothing.

Outside, the weather begins to respond to Ororo in equally terrible ways. Funnels around the Westchester area begin to form, heavy rain is swirled around by winds strong enough to take down dense tree limbs. Thunder and lightning scatter throughout the skyline. The sun had long ago disappeared in dark ominous thick clouds.

Ororo lifts up her head to reveal wild frightened eyes.

Ororo: [in a scared child like voice] Mommy [may be in Swahili, Arabic, or French], where are they? You promised they would find us. Please mommy. Mommy? What’s that smell? Why is it coming from Daddy?

Ororo looks down at her empty hand and sees her mother’s slimy decomposing hand. She doesn’t know that she is no longer under the rubble with her dead parents for eight days. Ororo buries her head back down.

~X~

Logan heads down into the sub-basement and into the med lab. Once he gets to the door, he stops and sniffs. He tilts his head to the side. It is quiet obvious that something just isn’t right.

He approaches the table where Jean lies with long soft strides.

Logan: Jean?

Jeans blinks herself awake.

Jean: Logan...what are you doing here? What am I doing here? [She sits up and hugs herself as if she’s cold.]

Logan walks up to stand directly in front of her. He puts his arms around her and pulls her into his embrace.

She returns it. This makes Logan freeze and pull back.

Logan: [takes her by the shoulders gently] Listen Red, you really put us through the wringer. We didn’t know what happen to you. Do you have any idea what that was like for me?

Jean gives him a sly but innocent look.

Jean: Tell me about Logan. Tell me everything. [She opens her knees wide enough to fit him in between them. She takes her left leg and slowly slides it up his leg to wrap around his waist. She places her hands on his shoulders to pull herself closer to him so that she can whisper in his ear.] I knew that Xavier lied to you about the base so he could get you to stay.

Logan’s body stiffens at her statement. Begins to pull away but she tightens her grip on his shoulders to near painful levels. He feels her other leg making the same trip as its twin.

With more strength than should have been possible for her she flips then both back on the table so that she is looking up at him with come hither eyes.

Logan looks off to the side with a question written on his face of how they got in this position so quickly.

Jean: [laughs briefly] We got here this way because you came to see me. Isn’t this what you wanted?

She leans in for a soft chase kiss to prove her point, then gracefully pulls back.

Logan hesitates, and furrows his brows. There was something important he was going to ask her. Jean’s legs squeeze his waist harder, and even though her hands were around his neck he felt her telekinesis undo his belt buckle.

With caution to the wind, Logan leans in and kisses her hard. She returns the kiss with bruising pressure and rips at his wife beater.

The sound of the tearing thread makes Logan pull up from Jean’s neck. He sniffs at the air again and makes the same face as before. This time he recognizes the odd smell emanating from the room. Fear. Pure unadulterated paralyzing fear. Logan looks down at Jean and frowns at her smug look.

Logan sits up and untangles Jean’s legs. She makes another attempt to wrap her arms around him and he stops her. He gets of the table and stands very stiff an arms length away. Logan is obviously very bothered. Every time he inhales his agitation grows because of the intense fear smell swirling around in the room.

Logan: Jean, what’s going on.

Jean: Well I would think that would be kind of obvious.

Logan runs his hands through his hair and blows out air in frustration.
Logan: Please Jeannie. You don’t have to hide anything from me. [He suddenly remembers what he was going to ask her earlier. He digs into his back pocket and brings out Scott’s ruby glasses.]

Jean just stares at them with awe.

Logan: Alright Jean, I’m going to ask you again. What happened at the Lake? Where is Scott? We found his bike at the Alkali. We need to find him, and you were the last person to see him...[He lets his thought go unfinished.]

Jean keeps her eyes intently on the sunglasses in Logan’s outstretched hand. She lets out a heart wrenching wail that becomes a whimper. She begins to emit a sense of fear and dread. She looks at Logan with watery eyes and begins to cry.

Jean: Scott... [closes her eyes at the onslaught of random images of the incident] I don’t know. He was there, and he felt so warm. I...I saw his eyes. [She looks up at Logan with a brilliant child like smile. He flinches at this. Her face grows worried again.] One minute he was there, and the next... I can’t remember. [Her expression suddenly changes to angry. She uses her telekinesis to snatch the glasses from Logan and cuddles them close to her breast. She runs her hands all around them with wonder right before she glares at them. She then uses her telekinesis again to hurl them on the steel wall behind Logan. The glasses land on the floor broken in two with cracks in the lenses.] NO!!! Dammit, no! [She blinks rapidly and looks at Logan with pleading eyes.] Help me...

Logan walks towards her to give her comfort when he suddenly stops, and his ears twitch. He could hear Jean’s accelerated heart beat and smell her change of pheromones, but then he could still smell the original fear sent, and this time he heard the other rapid heartbeat. He took another whiff, then glared at Jean.

Jean: [still sniffling] What is it? What’s wrong?

Logan: I smell lemon grass and sandalwood. Where’s Ororo, and why is she terrified?

Jean breaks eye contact and begins to shift uncomfortably. She lowers her head and hugs herself tight.

Jean:[shrugs] I dunno.

Logan: Dammit Jean. Tell me something. You were the last to see Scott and you won’t say anything. Ororo is near by and she’s terrified and I think you had something to do with it. [shakes her by her shoulders] This isn’t the you that I know Jean.

Jean finally looks at him again with dark black eyes and an expression that is a blaze.

Jean: You know NOTHING! If it can’t get stabbed by you than you just don’t know what to do, do you? [She throws him with her power against the steel door. He dents the door five feet above the floor, and falls down with a sickening crack. He stays on the floor out cold. Jean leaves an eerie silent lab and takes her time to head upstairs to the mansion. After a few minutes of silence Xavier rolls in as Logan begins to wake up.

As the doors open, Xavier rolls in with a stern look on his face.

Xavier: Logan! I thought I could have sworn I said no...Oh no... Logan!

Xavier rolls up to him and places his hand on his wrist pulse. He then takes his head and rubs his temple. Xavier uses telepathy to shout Logan’s name to rouse him. Logan mummers something as he slowly wakes up.

Logan: wsuhgn sefjknf sekf fsnv....

Xavier: Get up! Where is she?

Logan: Where’s Jean?

Xavier: What did you do? I told you to keep your mouth shut and not upset her. What did you say to her?

Logan: All I asked was where were Scott and...[Logan inhales and has a quizzical look on his face. Xavier looks at him with an understanding expression.]

Xavier: Oh Jean...what have you done?

Logan: What is...

Xavier: Open up the closet, NOW!

Logan doesn’t understand Xavier’s urgency but heads to the closet, and the smells of fear and lemon grass nearing knock him off his feet. He looks at the closet door carefully and notices that there’s no opening.

Logan: What the hell? [ He bumps it, slashes it, then kicks it down.]

The door slides of the wall to reveal the huddled up Ororo shivering hard from the fright.

Logan: Ro? Ro...common we gotta go and get- -

Xavier: She’s severely claustrophobic. Jean...[sighs] she knew this. [shakes his head] Why would she do that? [turns around to roll out] I need to find Jean. Make sure that Ororo gets some sleep.

Logan is cradling a whimpering Ororo. He looks down at her and brushes her short crop of hair out of her face. At his touch, she stirs and opens wide scared eyes.
Ororo wraps her arms around Logan and digs her hands in his shirt.

Ororo: I didn’t think any one would come for me. It took so long before, and it smelled so bad.

Logan rubs the small of her back.

Ororo: Logan? Oh goddess... Jean!

Logan: Easy darlin’. You aren’t ready to hit the skies just yet. Sit. [Ororo looks at him then softly sits down next to him. There is an awkward pause between them.] I didn’t know you were a claustrophobic. I woulda...

Ororo turns her head very slowly in an angry way to glare at him.

Ororo: Well of course not. You never bothered to stay around long enough to get to know me. To everyone else here its common knowledge.

Logan: I...Look Ro’- -

Ororo: Save it, Logan. One thing that you can learn right now, is that no one stops me from doing what I want to do, and right now I want to find Jean and bring her back.

Logan: Aren’t you really pissed at her?

Ororo: I am angry at a lot of things, but I do not have a choice but to live with it, now do I? Go get the professor, and meet me at the Benz.


~End Scene~

 

[TKing]

First and foremost if you feel the need to check my spelling, then you just may have far to much time on your hands. Second of all the movies and Evolution changed the characters and mostly not for the good. Third the closest fans got to watching the characters was TAS. I don't know how you found Ororo whiney in TAS or Evo, but to each his own.

Actually, they were rather hard to miss. Look back at your own post. You'll see what I mean.

 

[MaleRogue]

First and foremost if you feel the need to check my spelling, then you just may have far to much time on your hands. Second of all the movies and Evolution changed the characters and mostly not for the good. Third the closest fans got to watching the characters was TAS. I don't know how you found Ororo whiney in TAS or Evo, but to each his own.

Here's an easy way to characterize Storm without ever getting it wrong:
Headstrong
Leader
Doesn't take sht from anyone for any reason
Aloof

Look I wrote this a while back and and even TKing gave me a good review. Pacing is making sure that things have a natural sequential order and aren't bombing the audience. You had alot of happening very quickly. Let your characters react to something before you move on.

Look this is a scene in a rewrite for Ntcrawler. It takes the place of the infirmary scene that was shown. Notice Jean's character. Those who see my post know that I hate Jean. With a passion. There are no redeeming qualities about any of her reincarnations. Even Evo annoyed me. I'll get into that later.

But just look:

Infirmary scene:

Ororo walks towards the bed in the middle of the medical bay. The sole light in the room illuminates the body of the woman in the bed.

Ororo slowly comes up to the body in quiet reverence.

Ororo: Jean. [Holds her hand] What were you thinking? How could you leave us like that? Why didn’t you let us save you? We were supposed to be a team. [raises her voice] A. TEAM. We were in it together. Why couldn’t you have faith in us? [Still being very angry with her] We’ve always had faith in you? I have always believed in you, sister, [She has tears in her eyes and hugs Jean’s upper torso] no matter how much I hated you.

She walks around the table to brush hair out of her face. Ororo sees the tangle mess that it is and finds a brush to begins to brush it. When she hits a snag, Jean’s eyes shoot open, and grab Ororo’s wrist.

Jean opens her eyes, blinks a few times. She sees a near frozen Ororo with her wrist in her hand. She lets go immediately.

Jean: Rory?

Ororo: Jean! [comes up and traces her cheek] It’s alright, hun. Everything is alright. Your going to be just fine.

Ororo rushes her friend and gives her a deep and genuine hug. Jean closes her eyes leans into the embrace, and hugs her back. They pull apart and Jean looks at Ororo with wonder and bewilderment.

Jean: What happened?

Ororo turns away from Jean. She hugs herself, and looks towards the ceiling with eyes brimming with tears. The muted sounds of heavy rain can be heard even in the subasement. When she composes herself, the rain stops, and she turns around with a worried expression to face Jean.

At this point Jean has sat up. Ororo sits next to her. Both women sit in silence for a few seconds letting their feet dangle over the edge of the bed.

Ororo: I...What do you remember, J?

Jean looks at Ororo at first with a blank stare, very slowly her expression changes from empty to that of unbridled fear.

Ororo: We found you at Alkali, and brought you back here. You’ve been here, unconscious, for two days.
Jean: I remember looking back at the jet. A mountain of water! So much. It was everywhere, coming in so fast. It caved in on me.

Ororo laces her hand through Jean’s. Jean closes her eyes and picks up on flashes of thought that Ororo is projecting. Images of an explosion and fire fly by, screaming voices dust and people panicking are everywhere. In the middle of the dust and scurrying people is a dilapidated sky rise. The point of view zooms in underneath the rubble, dust, scorched beams, broken glass ,and broken bent steal to a whimpering voice. In the dark with a single ray of light that just flicked away is a six year old Ororo Monroe. She is holding a black woman’s hand. The rest of the body is shrouded in darkness and a puddle of blood is coming out of the shadows. Roughly four or five feet away is the body of a impaled black man. His bloody impaled body is also shrouded in darkness except for his head. His face is stuck in pure raging agony. His eyes are open in horror there’s blood coming from his nose and mouth. Hanging around his neck is a broken professional photographer’s camera. It is a glaring reminder that no warning came for the sudden distraction. The little girl looks at her father and burst out in tears; she automatically wraps herself in a fetal position with her mother’s hand. The entire rubble structure begins to shake and buckle. Ororo looks up in time to see it begin to cave in...

Jean sees all of these images, and knows what Ororo sees. Her friend and sister has been there. She knows also what its like to be alone. To have those who have always been around suddenly gone, and both know the pang of having the world cave in.

This also angered Jean. Ororo also had something terrible happen to her, and far earlier as well. She was left to wonder alone, and yet, she had her complete mutation at her disposal since she was six. She got hers when she was twelve, and still struggled with them. Ororo alone could thrive by herself. Jean always lagged behind and constantly needed help. She needed the professor for guidance, she needed Scott for love, and she needed Logan for her feminine pride.

What was the one thing she didn’t need. She looked at Ororo with black eyes that resembled an abyss. No, she didn’t need Ororo at all.

After all she was nothing more than a marionette, a tool, for Xavier’s dream. No one would really miss her.

Ororo was still looking down at her feet.

Jean squints her eyes and rubs her temples. Trying to get into Ororo’s mind was not an easy task for any sort of telepath. Ororo’s body was like a lightning rod. It was constantly drawing in energy from all around. Her psyche was the same. It was covered in a sort of static electricity. A psychic trying to get in her mind would have a better time sticking a wet fork in a socket.

Ororo: Jean...are you...are you trying to get in my mind?

Jean laced her hand in Ororo’s, and squeezes hard. Really hard.

Ororo winced in pain.

Ororo:. What are you doing? [pauses] Ouch Jean, that hurts.

Jean: [laughs at her own antics in a slightly sadistic way] Do you want to know something? I’ve always envied your natural defenses. Tell me Rory, did Xavier ever block you. Hold you back. Make it so you couldn’t choose what you did with your own power. It must have been really nice not to him walking around in your head. [Italics are said with disdain.]

Ororo: Jean, your still hurting me. What are you talking about?

Jean eyes glow black. In response to Ororo’s fear, the temperature in the room spikes a few degrees. There’s a fine mist of humid fog that appears.

Jean: It’s not a rhetorical question.

Ororo: Jean. Please.

There was another terrifying squeeze.

Ororo answers with tears in her eyes: NO! Alright? No, he didn’t hold me back! Please just stop.

Jean leans in and whispers in a deadly soft voice: Teacher’s pet. Teacher’s pet.

Ororo: Jean, what’s wrong. Just tell me, what is it you want.

Jean: Freedom! [The sound of the word came from a deep and empty place.]

Jean lets go of a shocked Ororo. She slams her against the wall. Ororo takes no time and whitens her eyes to prepare for a fight that she knew deep down would be inevitable. When she allows her self to see the electric patterns that inhibit all things, she was shocked at what she saw in Jean.

Jean’s basic components, all the things that make a human being, seemed to be endless. Universal. Limitless.

Before Ororo could wrap herself around this concept she felt the wall behind her slip away and then engulf her. Before the panic set in she takes one final look at Jean and sees something truly out of this world. Jean was surrounded by a wisp of gold and red fire. It was strange because there was no heat. Ororo remembered studying Christianity and Judaism. There was a story about a holy bush. A sign sent from God that was fire but gave the prophet who touched it no burns. As she continued to be surround by the all consuming darkness, she saw the flames spread but burn nothing, and out of Jean’s shoulders sprang flaming wings. The wings of a bird made from a near holy power.

Ororo: [Whispers] No, please. Jean, stop. [Outloud] What have you become!

Ororo was thrown to the back of the small space. She felt around on the ground frantically for something to hold to, anything to give her the strength to fight the mind numbing phobia of enclosed spaces. She begins to search blindly on her hands and knees while shaking violently from sheer fear of her situation. After a few terrifying minutes, she finds nothing and gives up. Ororo sat down in the far corner, pulled her knees up to her chest and held her shaking body in this position for what seemed like forever. Tears run down her face as a natural response for the paralyzing fear. The seconds and the minutes that passed meant nothing.

Outside, the weather begins to respond to Ororo in equally terrible ways. Funnels around the Westchester area begin to form, heavy rain is swirled around by winds strong enough to take down dense tree limbs. Thunder and lightning scatter throughout the skyline. The sun had long ago disappeared in dark ominous thick clouds.

Ororo lifts up her head to reveal wild frightened eyes.

Ororo: [in a scared child like voice] Mommy [may be in Swahili, Arabic, or French], where are they? You promised they would find us. Please mommy. Mommy? What’s that smell? Why is it coming from Daddy?

Ororo looks down at her empty hand and sees her mother’s slimy decomposing hand. She doesn’t know that she is no longer under the rubble with her dead parents for eight days. Ororo buries her head back down.

~X~

Logan heads down into the sub-basement and into the med lab. Once he gets to the door, he stops and sniffs. He tilts his head to the side. It is quiet obvious that something just isn’t right.

He approaches the table where Jean lies with long soft strides.

Logan: Jean?

Jeans blinks herself awake.

Jean: Logan...what are you doing here? What am I doing here? [She sits up and hugs herself as if she’s cold.]

Logan walks up to stand directly in front of her. He puts his arms around her and pulls her into his embrace.

She returns it. This makes Logan freeze and pull back.

Logan: [takes her by the shoulders gently] Listen Red, you really put us through the wringer. We didn’t know what happen to you. Do you have any idea what that was like for me?

Jean gives him a sly but innocent look.

Jean: Tell me about Logan. Tell me everything. [She opens her knees wide enough to fit him in between them. She takes her left leg and slowly slides it up his leg to wrap around his waist. She places her hands on his shoulders to pull herself closer to him so that she can whisper in his ear.] I knew that Xavier lied to you about the base so he could get you to stay.

Logan’s body stiffens at her statement. Begins to pull away but she tightens her grip on his shoulders to near painful levels. He feels her other leg making the same trip as its twin.

With more strength than should have been possible for her she flips then both back on the table so that she is looking up at him with come hither eyes.

Logan looks off to the side with a question written on his face of how they got in this position so quickly.

Jean: [laughs briefly] We got here this way because you came to see me. Isn’t this what you wanted?

She leans in for a soft chase kiss to prove her point, then gracefully pulls back.

Logan hesitates, and furrows his brows. There was something important he was going to ask her. Jean’s legs squeeze his waist harder, and even though her hands were around his neck he felt her telekinesis undo his belt buckle.

With caution to the wind, Logan leans in and kisses her hard. She returns the kiss with bruising pressure and rips at his wife beater.

The sound of the tearing thread makes Logan pull up from Jean’s neck. He sniffs at the air again and makes the same face as before. This time he recognizes the odd smell emanating from the room. Fear. Pure unadulterated paralyzing fear. Logan looks down at Jean and frowns at her smug look.

Logan sits up and untangles Jean’s legs. She makes another attempt to wrap her arms around him and he stops her. He gets of the table and stands very stiff an arms length away. Logan is obviously very bothered. Every time he inhales his agitation grows because of the intense fear smell swirling around in the room.

Logan: Jean, what’s going on.

Jean: Well I would think that would be kind of obvious.

Logan runs his hands through his hair and blows out air in frustration.
Logan: Please Jeannie. You don’t have to hide anything from me. [He suddenly remembers what he was going to ask her earlier. He digs into his back pocket and brings out Scott’s ruby glasses.]

Jean just stares at them with awe.

Logan: Alright Jean, I’m going to ask you again. What happened at the Lake? Where is Scott? We found his bike at the Alkali. We need to find him, and you were the last person to see him...[He lets his thought go unfinished.]

Jean keeps her eyes intently on the sunglasses in Logan’s outstretched hand. She lets out a heart wrenching wail that becomes a whimper. She begins to emit a sense of fear and dread. She looks at Logan with watery eyes and begins to cry.

Jean: Scott... [closes her eyes at the onslaught of random images of the incident] I don’t know. He was there, and he felt so warm. I...I saw his eyes. [She looks up at Logan with a brilliant child like smile. He flinches at this. Her face grows worried again.] One minute he was there, and the next... I can’t remember. [Her expression suddenly changes to angry. She uses her telekinesis to snatch the glasses from Logan and cuddles them close to her breast. She runs her hands all around them with wonder right before she glares at them. She then uses her telekinesis again to hurl them on the steel wall behind Logan. The glasses land on the floor broken in two with cracks in the lenses.] NO!!! Dammit, no! [She blinks rapidly and looks at Logan with pleading eyes.] Help me...

Logan walks towards her to give her comfort when he suddenly stops, and his ears twitch. He could hear Jean’s accelerated heart beat and smell her change of pheromones, but then he could still smell the original fear sent, and this time he heard the other rapid heartbeat. He took another whiff, then glared at Jean.

Jean: [still sniffling] What is it? What’s wrong?

Logan: I smell lemon grass and sandalwood. Where’s Ororo, and why is she terrified?

Jean breaks eye contact and begins to shift uncomfortably. She lowers her head and hugs herself tight.

Jean:[shrugs] I dunno.

Logan: Dammit Jean. Tell me something. You were the last to see Scott and you won’t say anything. Ororo is near by and she’s terrified and I think you had something to do with it. [shakes her by her shoulders] This isn’t the you that I know Jean.

Jean finally looks at him again with dark black eyes and an expression that is a blaze.

Jean: You know NOTHING! If it can’t get stabbed by you than you just don’t know what to do, do you? [She throws him with her power against the steel door. He dents the door five feet above the floor, and falls down with a sickening crack. He stays on the floor out cold. Jean leaves an eerie silent lab and takes her time to head upstairs to the mansion. After a few minutes of silence Xavier rolls in as Logan begins to wake up.

As the doors open, Xavier rolls in with a stern look on his face.

Xavier: Logan! I thought I could have sworn I said no...Oh no... Logan!

Xavier rolls up to him and places his hand on his wrist pulse. He then takes his head and rubs his temple. Xavier uses telepathy to shout Logan’s name to rouse him. Logan mummers something as he slowly wakes up.

Logan: wsuhgn sefjknf sekf fsnv....

Xavier: Get up! Where is she?

Logan: Where’s Jean?

Xavier: What did you do? I told you to keep your mouth shut and not upset her. What did you say to her?

Logan: All I asked was where were Scott and...[Logan inhales and has a quizzical look on his face. Xavier looks at him with an understanding expression.]

Xavier: Oh Jean...what have you done?

Logan: What is...

Xavier: Open up the closet, NOW!

Logan doesn’t understand Xavier’s urgency but heads to the closet, and the smells of fear and lemon grass nearing knock him off his feet. He looks at the closet door carefully and notices that there’s no opening.

Logan: What the hell? [ He bumps it, slashes it, then kicks it down.]

The door slides of the wall to reveal the huddled up Ororo shivering hard from the fright.

Logan: Ro? Ro...common we gotta go and get- -

Xavier: She’s severely claustrophobic. Jean...[sighs] she knew this. [shakes his head] Why would she do that? [turns around to roll out] I need to find Jean. Make sure that Ororo gets some sleep.

Logan is cradling a whimpering Ororo. He looks down at her and brushes her short crop of hair out of her face. At his touch, she stirs and opens wide scared eyes.
Ororo wraps her arms around Logan and digs her hands in his shirt.

Ororo: I didn’t think any one would come for me. It took so long before, and it smelled so bad.

Logan rubs the small of her back.

Ororo: Logan? Oh goddess... Jean!

Logan: Easy darlin’. You aren’t ready to hit the skies just yet. Sit. [Ororo looks at him then softly sits down next to him. There is an awkward pause between them.] I didn’t know you were a claustrophobic. I woulda...

Ororo turns her head very slowly in an angry way to glare at him.

Ororo: Well of course not. You never bothered to stay around long enough to get to know me. To everyone else here its common knowledge.

Logan: I...Look Ro’- -

Ororo: Save it, Logan. One thing that you can learn right now, is that no one stops me from doing what I want to do, and right now I want to find Jean and bring her back.

Logan: Aren’t you really pissed at her?

Ororo: I am angry at a lot of things, but I do not have a choice but to live with it, now do I? Go get the professor, and meet me at the Benz.


~End Scene~

Yeah okay but that is my personal opinion in TAS and Evo.
But I like what you wrote, but that isn't how I see Storm/ Ororo and I have my own writing style and you have to accept that, it is how I write and I like it, just my own style.
This is yours and the other is mine.
I understand it, but maybe it will be better for Ororo soon, this is just how I want and picture it.
And my pacing is good now imo, and PhoenixRisen also said it was good.

 

[Goddessreicho]

So this is my new update yay
I hope you all like the update and please leave a small comment
Like:
I like it or I don't like it.
Good or Not good
Pick one but please leave one so I know what you all think

See look MR, you asked for an honest review. So I gave you one. Characterization and pacing. For me its grammar and punctuation. I mean I'm not surprised. I haven't written anything expansive in 3 years since I left college.

Practice makes perfect.

I've worked alot with coaching actors theatrical performances and dialog. I've written plays and casted for some too. So keeping characterization is something that is near and dear to my heart, and I have experience in it.

Sure people hear are going to be nice about things now. Heck, PhoenixRisen and I have had some words, as well as you and I before, and I do believe it was over the same subject. Yet, surprisingly enough, we've all gotten over it.

I just don't want you to fall into the same trap that all three movies fell into. That's the direction that I saw it going. Get some torrents and read about the characters you don't know well and don't like to write. Make them better than they have been portrayed, better than what they are.

Trust me. It works. It's fun, and it pays off. Again I'll use Jean as an example. I hate her. I hate what she was in the 70's. I hated that she got away with genocide after a few rewrites in the 80's. They couldn't make up their mind about her. In my opinion she should have said dead after the oringinial DP saga in 1982. I'm not the only one who thinks that.

But, once I when I write Jean I make her a better Jean. I strip her down to her basics (no man, no uber-powers...just her) and I make sure she's not annoying and she's flawed, recognizable, and personable, then I work my way up from there. She's got good things about her, bad things, and annoying things even with powers. I focus on that.

You should try that with Ororo. To do that you'll need to know some history, relationships, personality. I guarantee what comes out will surprise and delight you.

Please believe me I say that my original review wasn't bad. It was honest. That's what you asked for.

Thank you for the compliment. I do appreciate it. I had posted it Jean thread to make sure I got the character down, and the overall consensus was, yes. So as a lover-of-Storm I'm saying that for her to be actually be Storm she needs work, as of right now she's SINO, kinda like the how the scripts in the movie made her. But everything else was fine! Really. It's a compliment.

 

[Goddessreicho]

Before you write again, I suggest you check your spelling.

I'll have you know that I've heard much worse from much better people at that. Besides you sweat my writing. I have both the reviews you left me for the re-writes I did. So, um, yeah.

 

[TKing]

I'll have you know that I've heard much worse from much better people at that. Besides you sweat my writing. I have both the reviews you left me for the re-writes I did. So, um, yeah.

I can't really remember if I did, but if so, post them. I'd like to read them.

But from someone who says this:

I've worked alot with coaching actors theatrical performances and dialog. I've written plays and casted for some too. So keeping characterization is something that is near and dear to my heart, and I have experience in it.

I didn't think their spelling and grammar would be so atrocious, as yours has been in your last few posts.

 

[Goddessreicho]

I just posted one of the re-writes. Not only that, but it was also posted in the Jean, Ntcrwler,and Re-write threads.

Despite my typos and errors, I do believe that you understood my posts. So communication was made, and yet you still complain. Ok, whatever.

I never said that you had to believe me, but where I come from content is just as important as precise form and technique. Perhaps even more so because when performed the audience doesn't see commas and 'i's before 'e's. They see a character's behavior, a functioning plot, and chemisty.

Then again, that's just me speaking from experience. I'm sure your ability to correct written grammar has wowed a paying audience before. So maybe I should get you to beta everything I post hence forth.

Oooh,wait I just remembered. GambitFire already claimed that job. You'll have to wrestle him for it. You two have fun now :P

 

[PhoenixRisen]

^^
I do like MaleRogue's pacing and think his writing style has really grown since he started. You are half right, practice makes better but not perfect cuz we are all humans and no writer is perfect. I do try to be encouraging because many people stop writing cuz they feel they can't do it.

You gave a thoughtful review of his chapter. You spent time on what you said and cared enough to post a comment. That is really nice so I hope you will keep commenting because it gives everyone something to think about!!! However for me, his book is called "Mutant Chaos" so I expect a little boom-boom-boom pace....His Z'Cann scenes are nice and slow, making good contrast. Adding some details/character quirks/history is a good suggestion, provided they fit his plot and are not "forced."

However, I think the rewrite you posted illustrates the other end of the spectrum--mainly too much verbosity. The character development you are going for is too often redundant/distracts from the core emotions/conflicts.....In other words it feels a little "forced" like you were writing with the deliberate intention to "do" character development and put things in that didn't necessarily fit or belong......For your piece I would suggest:

--Tighten your style by strengthening and honing individual thoughts/concepts.

--Avoid rephrasing what you already said as a way to add gravitas or to establish a slower pace. Lingering is OK but keep it interesting and fresh.

--Make details ring true.

--Avoid cliches ("quiet reverence," "unbridled fear," etc.)

--Make sure characterizations match tone. (i.e. overdone/out-of-place use of pet names.)

--Show don't tell. Convey more concepts through visual details/action/dialogue.

--Maintain consistent POV. The omniscient narrator at certain points pulls reader out of scene. Let us see what is going on in their minds without telling explicitly. And don't have the narrator oversimply the characters by boiling them down to glib stereotypes--that ruins what you are trying to do.

--Kill your darlings. (Yes it is a nice idea that it starts to rain when Ororo is thinking about what happened at Alkali Lake, but how to show it? Cut to outside scene showing rain? No, that would be distracting. But I doubt that anything less than a Katrina-level hurricane could be heard down in the medical bay which has what looks like foot-thick steel walls. Maybe that idea is just a little too precious--in other words a "darling." So kill it. Same goes for the hairbrush in the medical bay. In that case I would remedy the distraction by having her use her fingers instead, and besides it's more immediate/intimate.)

--Let pace flow from story, don't "force" it.

--Write about something you are passionate about in a positive way. If you hate the X-movies why rewrite them? On a meta level your piece comes across like you are trying to prove something, like you set out to show how the movies lacked character development--so you went overboard and the tone/heart is just "off." I get the sense that your passion isn't for the story you are writing but for the point you are trying to prove.

P.S. I know you said not to check spelling BUT it's "Munroe" not "Monroe"--Storm's PROPER NAME!!! A true Storm fan should get THAT right, anything else...well u can make it as professional as you like!!!! (My posts usally contain more typos than correct spelling but I don't expect them to be seen as works of fine literature.)

You have great ideas and interesting parallels about tying Jean and Ororo's experiences/differences...mostly your piece just needs tightening/editing and is far better to have more to work with, not less!!! Anyway keep editing and it will get better...............(FYI, for fun I edited the first part of your rewrite but this is a thread for MaleRogue's story and I don't wanna stray off topic, I can send it to you if you want....the suggestions I listed stemmed from a critique of your piece but I tried to keep them generic.)

Just remember for every story that is too fast-paced there is another that is bogged down by overdone/trite "character development." And just as your review of MaleRogue's chapter was well intentioned and thoughtful, my critique of your rewrite is not meant as an attack but shows I care enough to comment/feel your work has potential!!!!!!

(A final note, when it comes to your writing credentials, again, show don't tell. Show us how great your writing is, don't tell us about your extensive experience with dialogue coaches etc.--esp. if your writing doesn't quite live up to your own hype...are we supposed to think your rewrite is better than it is because of you have written for "paying audiences"??)

 

[Goddessreicho]

^^
I do like MaleRogue's pacing and think his writing style has really grown since he started. You are half right, practice makes better but not perfect cuz we are all humans and no writer is perfect. I do try to be encouraging because many people stop writing cuz they feel they can't do it.

You gave a thoughtful review of his chapter. You spent time on what you said and cared enough to post a comment. That is really nice so I hope you will keep commenting because it gives everyone something to think about!!! However for me, his book is called "Mutant Chaos" so I expect a little boom-boom-boom pace....His Z'Cann scenes are nice and slow, making good contrast. Adding some details/character quirks/history is a good suggestion, provided they fit his plot and are not "forced."

However, I think the rewrite you posted illustrates the other end of the spectrum--mainly too much verbosity. The character development you are going for is too often redundant/distracts from the core emotions/conflicts.....In other words it feels a little "forced" like you were writing with the deliberate intention to "do" character development and put things in that didn't necessarily fit or belong......For your piece I would suggest:

--Tighten your style by strengthening and honing individual thoughts/concepts.

--Avoid rephrasing what you already said as a way to add gravitas or to establish a slower pace. Lingering is OK but keep it interesting and fresh.

--Make details ring true.

--Avoid cliches ("quiet reverence," "unbridled fear," etc.)

--Make sure characterizations match tone. (i.e. overdone/out-of-place use of pet names.)

--Show don't tell. Convey more concepts through visual details/action/dialogue.

--Maintain consistent POV. The omniscient narrator at certain points pulls reader out of scene. Let us see what is going on in their minds without telling explicitly. And don't have the narrator oversimply the characters by boiling them down to glib stereotypes--that ruins what you are trying to do.

--Kill your darlings. (Yes it is a nice idea that it starts to rain when Ororo is thinking about what happened at Alkali Lake, but how to show it? Cut to outside scene showing rain? No, that would be distracting. But I doubt that anything less than a Katrina-level hurricane could be heard down in the medical bay which has what looks like foot-thick steel walls. Maybe that idea is just a little too precious--in other words a "darling." So kill it. Same goes for the hairbrush in the medical bay. In that case I would remedy the distraction by having her use her fingers instead, and besides it's more immediate/intimate.)

--Let pace flow from story, don't "force" it.

--Write about something you are passionate about in a positive way. If you hate the X-movies why rewrite them? On a meta level your piece comes across like you are trying to prove something, like you set out to show how the movies lacked character development--so you went overboard and the tone/heart is just "off." I get the sense that your passion isn't for the story you are writing but for the point you are trying to prove.

P.S. I know you said not to check spelling BUT it's "Munroe" not "Monroe"--Storm's PROPER NAME!!! A true Storm fan should get THAT right, anything else...well u can make it as professional as you like!!!! (My posts usually contain more typos than correct spelling but I don't expect them to be seen as works of fine literature.)

You have great ideas and interesting parallels about tying Jean and Ororo's experiences/differences...mostly your piece just needs tightening/editing and is far better to have more to work with, not less!!! Anyway keep editing and it will get better...............(FYI, for fun I edited the first part of your rewrite but this is a thread for MaleRogue's story and I don't wanna stray off topic, I can send it to you if you want....the suggestions I listed stemmed from a critique of your piece but I tried to keep them generic.)

Just remember for every story that is too fast-paced there is another that is bogged down by overdone/trite "character development." And just as your review of MaleRogue's chapter was well intentioned and thoughtful, my critique of your rewrite is not meant as an attack but shows I care enough to comment/feel your work has potential!!!!!!

(A final note, when it comes to your writing credentials, again, show don't tell. Show us how great your writing is, don't tell us about your extensive experience with dialogs coaches etc.--esp. if your writing doesn't quite live up to your own hype...are we supposed to think your rewrite is better than it is because of you have written for "paying audiences"??)

*you misspelled dialog, but I gotcha. I won't tell anyone though.

This is like your second or third nice post to me. I like it alot. Really. I swear I'm not being sarcastic either. The misspellings and switcharoos with the homophones, 'o's and 'u's, 'j's and 'b's and other basic things come from a bad case of being perceptionally impaired/dyslexic, typing faster than I can see, long finger nails, and occasionally just not caring. I really should put more effort into it.

This is somewhat of a very rough draft. I was getting tired of it and got to lazy to put it in complete script format. It's half novel half script and a complete formatting mess. It needs alot of editing. That's something I just don't do well at all, DUH! But yeah. I posted this all over everywhere cause I wanted to make sure that I got Jean's character relatively close before I started second draft, where cuts would start taking place. Ororo character, being a near blank f'n page, still needs so much work in the movie verse. Believe me I struggled, and I'm still struggling, cause I hate the corner she's in. No surprise there.

But the scene is suposed to be about 80% character devolpment. Jean/Phoenix, Logan, and Storm were all showing vunerable sides. The only piece of plot was that Jean was in the mansion's custody, then she abruptly leaves and no one can stop her. It's forced because...the originial didn't do much for characters. Just, "Where's Scott," "Roooaar,"sniffling, confusion, dry humping, and a concussion. Kinda like how the audience felt.

There are pieces of this scene that I hate. I'm not talking about the Jelo. The last ten lines, need to go. The beginning needs to be reworked. Your absolutely right. There are places that just don't flow. Why, cause its forced. Yep, your right there. But this whole scene is forced. Why, because a huge complaint of the movie was that Jean and Storm don't share a real substantial scene. This is why. No matter where it is anywhere in the trilogy, its forced. The first two movies don't tell us anything about how the x-men feel about each other outside of Jean and Scott. How does Ororo feet in with the two of them. Is she closer to Scott because of their street origins or Jean for the sake of womanhood. We'll never know because no one spoke to Ororo outside of the leather. She was a wind and fog machine to bark orders at. Jean was downgraded to a piece of meat with self-heating power. The Phoenix was a random person at picked up at the bus stop along for the ride. So trying to hit three birds with one stone, is tricky. I'm still working on it. In fact you are the first person, outside of Ntcrwler to say fix that that and that. Thank you. That's what I wanted. It'll never reach a final draft unless it gets beta'd, reformatted, edited (over and over) and criticized so there is a functional compromise.

Another point you hit was that I'm not writing this out of passion. My passion died six years ago when I left that theater in tears of disappointment. It stared out as a joke. (comedy is fun. i it) and it escalated. I had some ideas in a one-shot that other people expanded on and I kept writing. I haven't done any writing of my own in about three years. I'm used to stage work. Body language, voice projection and variation, tone...to me that's action. So "quiet reverence" can be acted out. I saw it as an action. But now I know that a ready can't. I needed someone to actually say that. So now when it gets reformatted I can keep an eye out for lines like that and fix those.

As for the "darlings," it was a form of red tape. Because of the way things turned out Storm's balcony scene was entirely different. It's not about her, it's about Scott. The really isn't a connection between the weather and her. Because I'm not allowed to touch the previous films and X3 is being completely re-worked, this is the only reference to Ororo's powers being emotionally linked to the weather. Its a core part of her character, the reason why she's often flat and emotionless. Very much like TLS, and here, telling the audience that Storm is an ecopath is a forced idea.

It doesn't belong anywhere. It has nothing to do with anything remotely important. Why, well in all essence, Storm isn't important. She doesn't further the plot. She never did. This brings us back to the originial argument and problem. Storm was never given the opportunity to be more than minority cannon fodder and a power tool. Her lack of established relationships to anyone help drive that point home. She had more chemistry with Rogue and Wolverine in X1 than the people she lived with. That's because she actually spoke to them. When she corned Logan it showed strength, CHARACTER, and dare I say, a rare nobility. All of which was quickly erased in the at Liberty Island. Worse line ever, "I can't control it like that..." There very first thing she did in the movie was control a precise wind. She had the memory of a goldfish.

I so want to kill her. I really do.

Scott may have had a short role in TLS, but it was far from insignificant. Ororo had an expanded role, but was completely useless. No leadership, no care taken to others...she was written out of character and worthless. That's kinda what I saw from MR's Storm. I just didn't want to see that again. I suggestion what worked for me, writing a character pleasing fans, and pleasing yourself. That's what I tried to do with Jean/Phoenix. It was fun. I had a blast. Instead of doing the usual, I AM PHOENIX ROOOAAR, I did something else really different. She's kinda dark, emo, silent, deadly, and cruel. Like gothy ninja with gas.

Rewriting familiar characters is by no means an easy task. We all know that the professionals could barely get it right. That's why we are all here. I just didn't like how Tking was implying that I didn't know what I was talking about. I've seen it before. I was just imagining it on a stage. It's kinda like my frame work.

The plot was great. MR, you have a wonderful grasp on an ensemble cast. (Here comes the ick part) Just a little too good of a grasp. The characters lost a bit of their individuality. I may have not worded that properly, but that was all I was trying to say. Storm stood out the most because she is most familiar to me. Bobby was another one, but only because you based him off of movie-version, which I can't stand. To much a dramatic departure for the director's (Singer) preference. Quiet, shy, not lighthearted or carefree. Well at least he was still a romantic.

I want to reiterate. I loved the story. It was beautiful. That's including your OC which I tend to dislike. MR, you put alot of care and thought into Z'cann and it worked. Great job.

This is my last long post, ever.

 

[MaleRogue]

*you misspelled dialog, but I gotcha. I won't tell anyone though.

This is like your second or third nice post to me. I like it alot. Really. I swear I'm not being sarcastic either. The misspellings and switcharoos with the homophones, 'o's and 'u's, 'j's and 'b's and other basic things come from a bad case of being perceptionally impaired/dyslexic, typing faster than I can see, long finger nails, and occasionally just not caring. I really should put more effort into it.

This is somewhat of a very rough draft. I was getting tired of it and got to lazy to put it in complete script format. It's half novel half script and a complete formatting mess. It needs alot of editing. That's something I just don't do well at all, DUH! But yeah. I posted this all over everywhere cause I wanted to make sure that I got Jean's character relatively close before I started second draft, where cuts would start taking place. Ororo character, being a near blank f'n page, still needs so much work in the movie verse. Believe me I struggled, and I'm still struggling, cause I hate the corner she's in. No surprise there.

But the scene is suposed to be about 80% character devolpment. Jean/Phoenix, Logan, and Storm were all showing vunerable sides. The only piece of plot was that Jean was in the mansion's custody, then she abruptly leaves and no one can stop her. It's forced because...the originial didn't do much for characters. Just, "Where's Scott," "Roooaar,"sniffling, confusion, dry humping, and a concussion. Kinda like how the audience felt.

There are pieces of this scene that I hate. I'm not talking about the Jelo. The last ten lines, need to go. The beginning needs to be reworked. Your absolutely right. There are places that just don't flow. Why, cause its forced. Yep, your right there. But this whole scene is forced. Why, because a huge complaint of the movie was that Jean and Storm don't share a real substantial scene. This is why. No matter where it is anywhere in the trilogy, its forced. The first two movies don't tell us anything about how the x-men feel about each other outside of Jean and Scott. How does Ororo feet in with the two of them. Is she closer to Scott because of their street origins or Jean for the sake of womanhood. We'll never know because no one spoke to Ororo outside of the leather. She was a wind and fog machine to bark orders at. Jean was downgraded to a piece of meat with self-heating power. The Phoenix was a random person at picked up at the bus stop along for the ride. So trying to hit three birds with one stone, is tricky. I'm still working on it. In fact you are the first person, outside of Ntcrwler to say fix that that and that. Thank you. That's what I wanted. It'll never reach a final draft unless it gets beta'd, reformatted, edited (over and over) and criticized so there is a functional compromise.

Another point you hit was that I'm not writing this out of passion. My passion died six years ago when I left that theater in tears of disappointment. It stared out as a joke. (comedy is fun. i it) and it escalated. I had some ideas in a one-shot that other people expanded on and I kept writing. I haven't done any writing of my own in about three years. I'm used to stage work. Body language, voice projection and variation, tone...to me that's action. So "quiet reverence" can be acted out. I saw it as an action. But now I know that a ready can't. I needed someone to actually say that. So now when it gets reformatted I can keep an eye out for lines like that and fix those.

As for the "darlings," it was a form of red tape. Because of the way things turned out Storm's balcony scene was entirely different. It's not about her, it's about Scott. The really isn't a connection between the weather and her. Because I'm not allowed to touch the previous films and X3 is being completely re-worked, this is the only reference to Ororo's powers being emotionally linked to the weather. Its a core part of her character, the reason why she's often flat and emotionless. Very much like TLS, and here, telling the audience that Storm is an ecopath is a forced idea.

It doesn't belong anywhere. It has nothing to do with anything remotely important. Why, well in all essence, Storm isn't important. She doesn't further the plot. She never did. This brings us back to the originial argument and problem. Storm was never given the opportunity to be more than minority cannon fodder and a power tool. Her lack of established relationships to anyone help drive that point home. She had more chemistry with Rogue and Wolverine in X1 than the people she lived with. That's because she actually spoke to them. When she corned Logan it showed strength, CHARACTER, and dare I say, a rare nobility. All of which was quickly erased in the at Liberty Island. Worse line ever, "I can't control it like that..." There very first thing she did in the movie was control a precise wind. She had the memory of a goldfish.

I so want to kill her. I really do.

Scott may have had a short role in TLS, but it was far from insignificant. Ororo had an expanded role, but was completely useless. No leadership, no care taken to others...she was written out of character and worthless. That's kinda what I saw from MR's Storm. I just didn't want to see that again. I suggestion what worked for me, writing a character pleasing fans, and pleasing yourself. That's what I tried to do with Jean/Phoenix. It was fun. I had a blast. Instead of doing the usual, I AM PHOENIX ROOOAAR, I did something else really different. She's kinda dark, emo, silent, deadly, and cruel. Like gothy ninja with gas.

Rewriting familiar characters is by no means an easy task. We all know that the professionals could barely get it right. That's why we are all here. I just didn't like how Tking was implying that I didn't know what I was talking about. I've seen it before. I was just imagining it on a stage. It's kinda like my frame work.

The plot was great. MR, you have a wonderful grasp on an ensemble cast. (Here comes the ick part) Just a little too good of a grasp. The characters lost a bit of their individuality. I may have not worded that properly, but that was all I was trying to say. Storm stood out the most because she is most familiar to me. Bobby was another one, but only because you based him off of movie-version, which I can't stand. To much a dramatic departure for the director's (Singer) preference. Quiet, shy, not lighthearted or carefree. Well at least he was still a romantic.

I want to reiterate. I loved the story. It was beautiful. That's including your OC which I tend to dislike. MR, you put alot of care and thought into Z'cann and it worked. Great job.

This is my last long post, ever.

Yes I understand and thanks,
Yes I base Bobby on the movie cause that is the only way I know him.
And the book isn't finished yet, I tend to make some fight with one on one, Like Ororo and her inner demon. The book isn't finished yet so tons of things can happen along the way.
OC??? I don't quite understand.
Of course I put in a lot of care, I like writing and don't worry PhoenixRisen I am not tend to stop.
I understand where you are coming from I don't like Rogue in some people's story, that is a matter of taste with writing. Everyone has a different vieuw on characters.
But thanks anyway

 

[MaleRogue]

^^
I do like MaleRogue's pacing and think his writing style has really grown since he started. You are half right, practice makes better but not perfect cuz we are all humans and no writer is perfect. I do try to be encouraging because many people stop writing cuz they feel they can't do it.

You gave a thoughtful review of his chapter. You spent time on what you said and cared enough to post a comment. That is really nice so I hope you will keep commenting because it gives everyone something to think about!!! However for me, his book is called "Mutant Chaos" so I expect a little boom-boom-boom pace....His Z'Cann scenes are nice and slow, making good contrast. Adding some details/character quirks/history is a good suggestion, provided they fit his plot and are not "forced."

However, I think the rewrite you posted illustrates the other end of the spectrum--mainly too much verbosity. The character development you are going for is too often redundant/distracts from the core emotions/conflicts.....In other words it feels a little "forced" like you were writing with the deliberate intention to "do" character development and put things in that didn't necessarily fit or belong......For your piece I would suggest:

--Tighten your style by strengthening and honing individual thoughts/concepts.

--Avoid rephrasing what you already said as a way to add gravitas or to establish a slower pace. Lingering is OK but keep it interesting and fresh.

--Make details ring true.

--Avoid cliches ("quiet reverence," "unbridled fear," etc.)

--Make sure characterizations match tone. (i.e. overdone/out-of-place use of pet names.)

--Show don't tell. Convey more concepts through visual details/action/dialogue.

--Maintain consistent POV. The omniscient narrator at certain points pulls reader out of scene. Let us see what is going on in their minds without telling explicitly. And don't have the narrator oversimply the characters by boiling them down to glib stereotypes--that ruins what you are trying to do.

--Kill your darlings. (Yes it is a nice idea that it starts to rain when Ororo is thinking about what happened at Alkali Lake, but how to show it? Cut to outside scene showing rain? No, that would be distracting. But I doubt that anything less than a Katrina-level hurricane could be heard down in the medical bay which has what looks like foot-thick steel walls. Maybe that idea is just a little too precious--in other words a "darling." So kill it. Same goes for the hairbrush in the medical bay. In that case I would remedy the distraction by having her use her fingers instead, and besides it's more immediate/intimate.)

--Let pace flow from story, don't "force" it.

--Write about something you are passionate about in a positive way. If you hate the X-movies why rewrite them? On a meta level your piece comes across like you are trying to prove something, like you set out to show how the movies lacked character development--so you went overboard and the tone/heart is just "off." I get the sense that your passion isn't for the story you are writing but for the point you are trying to prove.

P.S. I know you said not to check spelling BUT it's "Munroe" not "Monroe"--Storm's PROPER NAME!!! A true Storm fan should get THAT right, anything else...well u can make it as professional as you like!!!! (My posts usally contain more typos than correct spelling but I don't expect them to be seen as works of fine literature.)

You have great ideas and interesting parallels about tying Jean and Ororo's experiences/differences...mostly your piece just needs tightening/editing and is far better to have more to work with, not less!!! Anyway keep editing and it will get better...............(FYI, for fun I edited the first part of your rewrite but this is a thread for MaleRogue's story and I don't wanna stray off topic, I can send it to you if you want....the suggestions I listed stemmed from a critique of your piece but I tried to keep them generic.)

Just remember for every story that is too fast-paced there is another that is bogged down by overdone/trite "character development." And just as your review of MaleRogue's chapter was well intentioned and thoughtful, my critique of your rewrite is not meant as an attack but shows I care enough to comment/feel your work has potential!!!!!!

(A final note, when it comes to your writing credentials, again, show don't tell. Show us how great your writing is, don't tell us about your extensive experience with dialogue coaches etc.--esp. if your writing doesn't quite live up to your own hype...are we supposed to think your rewrite is better than it is because of you have written for "paying audiences"??)

Wow thanks PhoenixRisen I think I have improved to .
And I certainly hope Goddessreicho keeps coming here and post her comment. I like comments even if they are a little bity negative, you can grow from it.

 

[MaleRogue]

See look MR, you asked for an honest review. So I gave you one. Characterization and pacing. For me its grammar and punctuation. I mean I'm not surprised. I haven't written anything expansive in 3 years since I left college.

Practice makes perfect.

I've worked alot with coaching actors theatrical performances and dialog. I've written plays and casted for some too. So keeping characterization is something that is near and dear to my heart, and I have experience in it.

Sure people hear are going to be nice about things now. Heck, PhoenixRisen and I have had some words, as well as you and I before, and I do believe it was over the same subject. Yet, surprisingly enough, we've all gotten over it.

I just don't want you to fall into the same trap that all three movies fell into. That's the direction that I saw it going. Get some torrents and read about the characters you don't know well and don't like to write. Make them better than they have been portrayed, better than what they are.

Trust me. It works. It's fun, and it pays off. Again I'll use Jean as an example. I hate her. I hate what she was in the 70's. I hated that she got away with genocide after a few rewrites in the 80's. They couldn't make up their mind about her. In my opinion she should have said dead after the oringinial DP saga in 1982. I'm not the only one who thinks that.

But, once I when I write Jean I make her a better Jean. I strip her down to her basics (no man, no uber-powers...just her) and I make sure she's not annoying and she's flawed, recognizable, and personable, then I work my way up from there. She's got good things about her, bad things, and annoying things even with powers. I focus on that.

You should try that with Ororo. To do that you'll need to know some history, relationships, personality. I guarantee what comes out will surprise and delight you.

Please believe me I say that my original review wasn't bad. It was honest. That's what you asked for.

Thank you for the compliment. I do appreciate it. I had posted it Jean thread to make sure I got the character down, and the overall consensus was, yes. So as a lover-of-Storm I'm saying that for her to be actually be Storm she needs work, as of right now she's SINO, kinda like the how the scripts in the movie made her. But everything else was fine! Really. It's a compliment.

uhu uhu...
Yes.
I asked for a honest revieuw yes, and I am not all sad because of yours trust me, I never made a problem, but my only problem is you talk about Storm only hahahaha.
You and PhoenixRisen???
You and me Yes hahaha. and we got over it.
I can get over it really quick.

 

[PhoenixRisen]

*you misspelled dialog, but I gotcha. I won't tell anyone though.

This is like your second or third nice post to me. I like it alot. Really. I swear I'm not being sarcastic either. The misspellings and switcharoos with the homophones, 'o's and 'u's, 'j's and 'b's and other basic things come from a bad case of being perceptionally impaired/dyslexic, typing faster than I can see, long finger nails, and occasionally just not caring. I really should put more effort into it.

This is somewhat of a very rough draft. I was getting tired of it and got to lazy to put it in complete script format. It's half novel half script and a complete formatting mess. It needs alot of editing. That's something I just don't do well at all, DUH! But yeah. I posted this all over everywhere cause I wanted to make sure that I got Jean's character relatively close before I started second draft, where cuts would start taking place. Ororo character, being a near blank f'n page, still needs so much work in the movie verse. Believe me I struggled, and I'm still struggling, cause I hate the corner she's in. No surprise there.

But the scene is suposed to be about 80% character devolpment. Jean/Phoenix, Logan, and Storm were all showing vunerable sides. The only piece of plot was that Jean was in the mansion's custody, then she abruptly leaves and no one can stop her. It's forced because...the originial didn't do much for characters. Just, "Where's Scott," "Roooaar,"sniffling, confusion, dry humping, and a concussion. Kinda like how the audience felt.

There are pieces of this scene that I hate. I'm not talking about the Jelo. The last ten lines, need to go. The beginning needs to be reworked. Your absolutely right. There are places that just don't flow. Why, cause its forced. Yep, your right there. But this whole scene is forced. Why, because a huge complaint of the movie was that Jean and Storm don't share a real substantial scene. This is why. No matter where it is anywhere in the trilogy, its forced. The first two movies don't tell us anything about how the x-men feel about each other outside of Jean and Scott. How does Ororo feet in with the two of them. Is she closer to Scott because of their street origins or Jean for the sake of womanhood. We'll never know because no one spoke to Ororo outside of the leather. She was a wind and fog machine to bark orders at. Jean was downgraded to a piece of meat with self-heating power. The Phoenix was a random person at picked up at the bus stop along for the ride. So trying to hit three birds with one stone, is tricky. I'm still working on it. In fact you are the first person, outside of Ntcrwler to say fix that that and that. Thank you. That's what I wanted. It'll never reach a final draft unless it gets beta'd, reformatted, edited (over and over) and criticized so there is a functional compromise.

Another point you hit was that I'm not writing this out of passion. My passion died six years ago when I left that theater in tears of disappointment. It stared out as a joke. (comedy is fun. i it) and it escalated. I had some ideas in a one-shot that other people expanded on and I kept writing. I haven't done any writing of my own in about three years. I'm used to stage work. Body language, voice projection and variation, tone...to me that's action. So "quiet reverence" can be acted out. I saw it as an action. But now I know that a ready can't. I needed someone to actually say that. So now when it gets reformatted I can keep an eye out for lines like that and fix those.

As for the "darlings," it was a form of red tape. Because of the way things turned out Storm's balcony scene was entirely different. It's not about her, it's about Scott. The really isn't a connection between the weather and her. Because I'm not allowed to touch the previous films and X3 is being completely re-worked, this is the only reference to Ororo's powers being emotionally linked to the weather. Its a core part of her character, the reason why she's often flat and emotionless. Very much like TLS, and here, telling the audience that Storm is an ecopath is a forced idea.

It doesn't belong anywhere. It has nothing to do with anything remotely important. Why, well in all essence, Storm isn't important. She doesn't further the plot. She never did. This brings us back to the originial argument and problem. Storm was never given the opportunity to be more than minority cannon fodder and a power tool. Her lack of established relationships to anyone help drive that point home. She had more chemistry with Rogue and Wolverine in X1 than the people she lived with. That's because she actually spoke to them. When she corned Logan it showed strength, CHARACTER, and dare I say, a rare nobility. All of which was quickly erased in the at Liberty Island. Worse line ever, "I can't control it like that..." There very first thing she did in the movie was control a precise wind. She had the memory of a goldfish.

I so want to kill her. I really do.

Scott may have had a short role in TLS, but it was far from insignificant. Ororo had an expanded role, but was completely useless. No leadership, no care taken to others...she was written out of character and worthless. That's kinda what I saw from MR's Storm. I just didn't want to see that again. I suggestion what worked for me, writing a character pleasing fans, and pleasing yourself. That's what I tried to do with Jean/Phoenix. It was fun. I had a blast. Instead of doing the usual, I AM PHOENIX ROOOAAR, I did something else really different. She's kinda dark, emo, silent, deadly, and cruel. Like gothy ninja with gas.

Rewriting familiar characters is by no means an easy task. We all know that the professionals could barely get it right. That's why we are all here. I just didn't like how Tking was implying that I didn't know what I was talking about. I've seen it before. I was just imagining it on a stage. It's kinda like my frame work.

The plot was great. MR, you have a wonderful grasp on an ensemble cast. (Here comes the ick part) Just a little too good of a grasp. The characters lost a bit of their individuality. I may have not worded that properly, but that was all I was trying to say. Storm stood out the most because she is most familiar to me. Bobby was another one, but only because you based him off of movie-version, which I can't stand. To much a dramatic departure for the director's (Singer) preference. Quiet, shy, not lighthearted or carefree. Well at least he was still a romantic.

I want to reiterate. I loved the story. It was beautiful. That's including your OC which I tend to dislike. MR, you put alot of care and thought into Z'cann and it worked. Great job.

This is my last long post, ever.

Well I think you are a good writer and have good concepts in there that's why I took the time to analyze/edit it or else why bother. I know you have passion for Storm and agree with what you say about how most characters were portrayed in the X-movies but hey that's what we got so...for some reason comics don't get adapted well to screen IMO i think studios (ironically considering they are "comic books") think ppl are too stupid to understand comics or the director's vision is more important than source material but who cares I still like em even tho they are not as good as they coulda been or how i woulda done em.

I hope your passion is back now and fully restored!!! Remember Storm has lost her powers too but she bounced back better than ever!! I think you should write a Storm-focused piece with a fresh plot that you care about, I'm sure it would be amazing cuz of ur knack for details, love of the comics and willingness to show more intimate sides of the characters!!! Maybe a spin-off or maybe something completely detached from the "movieverse." Maybe a one-woman performamce study/monologue--put it on youtube i bet ppl here would luv it!!! hehehe And like I said the parallels you had between Ororo and Jean with them both "buried" was really cool! Oh and btw I am the worst speller in the world for the exact same reasons except no long fingernails mainly I can't type.....!!!! (only thing i noticed was "Monroe" for me would be like calling her Jean "Gray" omg blasphemy!!!) Anyways keep us posted on any edits/new stuff you do would luv to see it!!

p.s. u know what would be funny video and u would be really good at? is doin a one-woman monologue where u play a post-movie storm, where she "vents" about how she was so wrongly portrayed in the movies.....u could make it VERY funny (and dramatic too as she recounts her childhood trauma/life) and i bet ur passion would show in the performance/writing!!

 

[MaleRogue]

heey ya'll sorry for the lack of update.
My heart wasn't with writing anymore.
But I started again and Xhapter 8 will be here today yay
I worked really hard on it and I mean really hard.
This chapter will be the end of

Spoiler

Ororo in Africa she will defeat the inner demon

I like it very much so far and I hope you all do to.

I want to thank PhoenixRisen for his true kind words
He is the mean reason I wanted to write again.
So thanks you rock

 

[MaleRogue]

Chapter Eight: Welcome to Slave Island.​

​

The alternate reality:
In New York:
Rogue was holding on to a picture of Z’Cann the girl who could recall powers. She looked at the picture and said: “Sorry little girl but I have to do this”. And she flew on and landed in the city. She looked around and asked people questions about Z’Cann and her whereabouts. She came to a man and said: “Do you know this girl Z’Cann? She is about ten years old”. “Yes I know her, I am her father and who are you”? asked the man. “I am Marie D’Ancanto, I am a teacher at a school and I wanna ask Z’Cann if she wants to join us, could you send her here for me so I can talk to her ” said Rogue. “I am Julian, and I don’t know what to say I am a single father and I don’t trust her with strangers” said Julian. “Don’t worry you can come with her, please”? asked Rogue. “Okay then just wait here and I will get her” said Julian. “Thank you” said Rogue and Julian walked of to get his daughter Z’Cann.

In Africa:
Ororo came back to her village and people were still building up their homes again. “Cheri where were you”? asked Gambit. “Yeah we were worried” said Jubilee. “Don’t, I want you two to go back to the Mansion” said Ororo. “What no” said Jubilee. “We can not do that hon” said Gambit. “Remy, Jubilee this is my battle and I am going to finish it, without the two of you” said Ororo. “But” said Jubilee. “No not but Jubilee I am doing this alone so pack your stuff and go now” said Ororo. “We can take care of ourselves Ororo, you don’t have to protect us” said Gambit. “I know Remy, but this is my fight and my daughter I am going to do this alone” said Ororo determent. “Okay Jube’s we leavin now” said Gambit smiling at Ororo. “But no” said Jubilee. “Yes Ororo is a goddess here she can take care of her own and I heard that professor could use our help” said Gambit. “Oh okay then” said Jubilee sad. “Thank you, now leave quickly then cause the show is about to start here” said Ororo after Gambit and Jubilee looked at her they walked away and packed their things.

At the ISA:
Betsy was all alone in a training room. She was practicing kickboxing and Tae Kwon Do. Her punch bag was all torn apart so she got a new one. When she came back the training room was full of people…. Graydon’s people. “Who are you”? asked Betsy. “I am your worst nightmare” said Graydon with a grin. “Correction I am your worst nightmare” said Betsy. “Grab her” yelled Graydon.

Everyone attacked Betsy jumped into the air and used her psi blades to throw everyone of their feet. She succeeded with most of them but they had a surprise attack. They attacked her from above, from beneath and from the left and right. She was trapped and there was no way to get out. She made a jump and it almost worked until Graydon shot her with his dart and said: “That is one more hahaha” and at that moment Betsy fell to the ground.

In New York:
Julian came walking towards Rogue with Z’Cann. Rogue walked over to Julian and Z’Cann and she said: “Hi there, my name is Rogue”. “Hi I am Z’Cann” said Z’Cann with an adorable smile. Rogue looked at her and thought: “No, how can I hurt such and innocent sweet girl”. “You better do mother if you want total power” said Anna in her head. Rogue was shocked but thought: “She is so young how can I”? “Because we need it for our revenge” said Anna. “Okay I will do it” thought Rogue. “Well done mother” said Anna in her head for the last time and disappeared.

Rogue recovered from her mind and said: “Julian can I take Z’Cann for a walk”? “Well rather not, if I can go sure but not alone like I said I don’t trust her with strangers” said Julian. “Okay suit it yourself” said Rogue and she grabbed Julian and Z’Cann and flew into the air. “Please no let us go” yelled Z’Cann. “Shut up I need your powers” yelled Rogue. “No please let her go, she can not help you” said Julian. “What are you talking about”? asked Rogue. “She isn’t the one with powers I am, so let her go” yelled Julian. "What kind of powers you have"? asked Rogue angry. "I can recall powers or use my powers on other people and make them use their powers however I want to" said Julian. "Aaaaah well I like the sound of that" said Rogue with a grin. "You can kill me but leave Z'Cann on a save place I beg you" said Julian. "Okay I could do that where do ya want her"? asked Rogue. "I want her in Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters" said Julian. "Why there"? asked Rogue shocked. "Cause I can feel her powers are coming to her and she is at the best place there" said Julian. "Okay I will do that" said Rogue and she flew towards the X-Mansion.

At the Mansion:
After a while they came to their destination and Rogue landed there with Julian and Z'Cann. Rogue thought: "How can I take away her dad, he is the only one she has left, but I have to do this...... there must be another way to do this" said Rogue. "There is mother, you can take away his powers and resurrect him with the energy of the X-Men they are weakened then and ready for the killing" said Anna in her head. "Yeah that is it, thanks Anna" thought Rogue.

Rogue took of her gloves and said: "I found another way you will not die Julian" said Rogue. "Can you give your word"? asked Julian. "Yes I give you my word" said Rogue and she grabbed him by the neck and started draining away his powers. "NO DADDY" started Z'Cann yelling. The X-Men came running out and also a jet landed. Remy, Jubilee, Xavier, Polaris, Logan, Bobby, Kitty, Colossus and Beast all ran over to Z'Cann. "Rogue what are you doing"? asked Xavier worried. "I am gaining ultimate power" said Rogue laughing and still draining the powers. "Marie let him go" yelled Logan. "Ohw shut up Logan like ya said ya aint my father" said Rogue with a small laugh. Polaris threw a magnetic bolt at Rogue but Rogue blocked it out and said: "First ya steal my man and now ya wanna keep me from getting ultimate power? you are even more stupid then I thought" said Rogue angry. Rogue could feel all the powers so she knew she could let Julian go, then he fell dead on the ground.

All of a sudden wings and a tail began growing out of her, everything started to float in the air, she started shape shifting, and lightning came from all kinds of places of her body, an optic blast was shown behind the glasses, her arms became diamond and a Beast arm with a psi blade and metal claws, her legs became metal and ice, she phased through the ground and she surrounded herself with a Phoenix aura. She yelled and screamed in agony. First she metalled up, then she started shape shifting into other people, then she used the beast powers, the she iced up completely, and she started bamfing around, then she turned into diamond, she used her psi blades, used her new wings, used her optic blasts and flew into the sky and Phoenix appeared with a fire telekinetic wave. She landed on the ground and turned into her normal self. She made her wings and tail appear and reappear.

Then she flew high into the air again and Phoenix appeared with a scream. "Oh no we are in trouble now" said Xavier. "What is that suppose to mean"? asked Kitty. "She has control on all these powers" said Xavier. "No Rogue don't do this" said Wolverine. A big light came out Rogue and it went trough Xavier, Remy, Jubilee, Polaris, Logan, Bobby, Kitty, Colossus and Beast and they all fell to the ground and the big bolt of light entered Julian's chest. Julian flew through the air and the big bolt of light disappeared and Julian was standing on the ground again. Rogue fell to the ground because of the exhausting power display. "Daddy" yelled Z'Cann. "Ohw Z'Cann" said Julian and he hugged his daughter. "You are okay daddy" said Z'Cann. "Yes I am dear" said Julian and he walked over to Rogue and said: "Thank you for keeping your word". "No problem I know how it is to be a parent" said Rogue.

All of a sudden a copter landed on the ground and a whole lot of military’s came out of it. Rogue, Xavier, Remy, Jubilee, Polaris, Logan, Bobby, Kitty, Colossus and Beast all stood up and Wolverine said: "What the hell is it this time"? "Run now" yelled Rogue to Julian and Z'Cann. They both ran of but a soldier shot them with a dart and they fell to the ground. "NO" yelled Rogue and she created a telekinetic wave from the ground and she vanished some soldiers. They started shooting around and Bobby created an ice wall to stop the darts. "They are with to many people" said Colossus. "Rogue get over here" said Xavier. "I aint working with ya'll I work alone I aint an X-Men anymore" yelled Rogue. And she metalled up and had an ice layer over it and shot with some ice beams. She turned back to normal all of a sudden and said: "What is happening"? "Rogue you are still exhausted from the resurrection" yelled Xavier. Rogue jumped through the air and kicked and smashed into some of the soldiers. Some new soldiers appeared and shot at Rogue she fell onto the ground. "Rogue no" yelled Bobby and he ran towards her and he iced up and froze most of the soldiers and grabbed Rogue from the ground and used his ice slide and slided over to the others. Polaris looked at him and said: "I knew it you never got over her". Bobby looked at the ground and said: "No I never didn't Lorna I always loved her but that doesn't mean I don't love you". "Keep this chit chat for later we have serious problems here" said Kitty. "I agree, what should we do I can hear more helicopters coming" said Xavier. And he was right more helicopters landed on the ground and Graydon got out of it as well and said: "Aaaaah I see my sister is already to sleep hahaha". "Graydon Creed that bastard" said Wolverine. People surrounded them and everyone started to attack but it was all in vein cause everyone started shooting at their target and one by one everyone fell on the ground fast asleep. "Throw them in the helicopter" said Graydon. "What is our next destination sir"? asked a soldier. "We go to Africa" said Graydon with a grin.

Meanwhile in Africa:
Ororo and Marajia were meditating together so Ororo could find a way to get the inner demon into Ororo and then she could destroy it. "I got it" said Marajia. "What is it"? asked Ororo. "You can handle struck by lightning right"? asked Marajia. "Yes I can handle that, as a goddess of weather I can handle that" said Ororo. "Okay but the inner demon can not handle that can he, what if you truck yourself by lightning"? said Marajia. "It is very risky but it is the only way" said Ororo. "Okay lets go then" said Marajia. "Wait first let everyone get out of here in case that something happens" said Ororo. "Good idea you prepare yourself and I will warn the village" said Marajia. "Okay here goes nothing" said Ororo and she hugged Marajia and Marajia walked out.

 

[MaleRogue]

PART 2

Ororo was still in deep thoughts and after a couple of minutes Marajia came in and said: "Everyone is gone". "Okay you have to leave to Marajia" said Ororo. "No I wont I can't Ororo" said Marajia. "you have to what if I hurt you, if the demon enters me you have to take Kendall and get out of here" said Ororo. "No I want to help" said Marajia. "You did more than enough this is my battle and I don't want you or Kendall to get hurt" said Ororo. "But" said Marajia. "No buts please do this for me I beg of you don't make me angry Marajia cause I will blow you away now" said Ororo. "Okay I will do what you ask" said Marajia. "Good, we will make this work trust me everything will be fine" said Ororo. "I trust you" said Marajia and she hugged Ororo. "Well let's get started then" said Ororo and they walked outside.

Kendall was waiting for them outside and said: "Where is everyone"? "They are gone now you get out of my daughter" yelled Ororo. "Hahaha no I like it in here" said the inner demon. "LEAVE HER NOW" yelled Ororo and she struck Kendall with lightning. Kendall fell on the ground and the inner demon said: "What do you have to offer you can't kill your daughter Storm I know you". "Take me" said Ororo. "Aaaaah I like that come and kneel for me" said the inner demon. Ororo walked over to Kendall and kneeled before her. A big black light surrounded them and a demon with red eyes came out of Kendall and entered Ororo's chest. Kendall fell to the ground and Marajia ran over to her and got her back on her feet and they both ran of quickly. "Mom" yelled Kendall. "She will be fine dear" said Marajia and they disappeared out of sight.

Ororo started laughing and her eyes turned red. She flew into the sky and lightning came out of her body and struck the village. She also created a blizzard and froze the whole village. "No I will defeat you" said Ororo. "Hahaha no you can not defeat me Storm, you never could" said the inner demon. "You think so take this" said Ororo. She threw her hand into the air and a big cloud appeared above her and a big lightning struck her. Ororo didn't stop using her powers till the inner demon was gone. "Stop it, I can not take it anymore" said the inner demon. "That is the plan now leave us all alone are you will be destroyed" said Ororo. "I will never leave" said the inner demon. "Suit yourself" said Ororo and another lightning struck them to and after that a third one struck them. Ororo's clothes were getting burned and Ororo started to feel pain to but she wouldn't give in. A big scream of the inner demon came and Ororo could feel him blown into pieces and left her body. The inner demon was gone. Ororo stopped using lightning and fell onto the ground.

A helicopter landed in front of Ororo and Graydon walked out and said: "Shoot her before she awakes" "Okay sir" said a soldier and he took out his gun and shot Ororo with a dart. "Okay now throw her in the helicopter and we will deliver everyone to Slave Island" said Graydon. "What about Warren and Amara"? asked a soldier. "We will get them later, the volcano is about to erupt and I need Amara to stop it before our Island is destroyed to" said Graydon. "Okay sir" said the soldier". And he grabbed Ororo and threw her in the helicopter

At Volcano Island:
Warren and Amara were on the beach again right in front of the volcano. "How is the volcano"? asked Warren. "He can erupt any minute now, Ohw Warren I have a bad feeling we can't stop it" said Amara. "Maybe it is best if we go to the volcano don't you think"? asked Warren. "I think that is a good idea" said Amara. They got up and putted their clothes on and walked of towards the top of the volcano.

When they were on their way the Island started shaking. "What is happening"? asked Warren. "The volcano it is about to erupt we have to hurry" said Amara. "Shall we fly"? asked Warren. "Yes that is the only way we can get there on time" said Amara. Warren threw out his wings and flew into the air. Amara fired up and flew into the air to and they both rushed towards the top of the volcano.

When they reached the top of the volcano they saw the lava coming over the top. "What do we have to do now"? asked Warren. "I don't know it looks like we are to late" said Amara. "No it is never to late, we have to think of something" said Warren. Amara looked at the lava and felt like she was possessed by something and it said: "Jump in it is the only way". Amara looked at Warren and said: "There is one way". "Well what is it"? asked Warren. Amara flew into the air and fired up and said: "I have to go in". "No it will kill you" said Warren. "My death will prevent 1000's of deaths this is the only way Warren, thank you for the great time we had". "Amara NO" yelled Warren and he flew into the air, but Amara made a dive into the lava and the volcano bursted but some kind of shield prevented it from going over. The lava started to stop and went back to where it came from, but Warren still could not see Amara.

"Amara where are you" yelled Warren. After a couple of minutes the volcano erupted some lava and when the lava disappeared Warren saw Amara laying there. "Oh my god Amara are you okay"? said Warren worried. "Amara opened her eyes and smiled and said: "I am fine, we did it we saved the people on this island". "No you did it" said Warren with a smile. Amara smiled and fell asleep. "You rest girl I will take you back to the hotel" said Warren. He took her from the ground and flew into the sky.

When he landed before the hotel he felt like something was wrong. He was right cause some soldiers ambushed them when he came in his room. He jumped into the air and kicked some soldiers out the window. He saw a dart flying through the air and it hit Amara. Warren grabbed a soldier and flew into the sky and threw him down to the ground, then more soldiers came and shot with some darts and hit Warren. Warren fell to the ground and Graydon walked in again and said: "Throw them in the helicopter we are almost done" said Graydon. "Almost sir? I thought we had everyone" said a soldier. "No we still need my niece and her people called the Hellfire Club" said Graydon. "Okay sir but I thought your niece was hard to stop" said the soldier. "Well we got the Phoenix didn't we how hard should she be" said Graydon. "Yes and we stopped Scott Summers before he got on his plane" said the soldier. "Exactly my friend we have captured every mutant, well almost every mutant some are on their way to the Hellfire Club" said Graydon. Then Graydon's phone rang and he answered, after a while Graydon said: "What you got the whole Hellfire Club already how did ya pull it off? Aaaaah Anna was not hard to get she worked with ya I see maybe she isn't as cold hearted as she thinks she is". Then they got into the helicopter and took of to Slave Island.

At Slave Island:
Everyone woke up and Rogue said: "Where the hell are we"? "I don't know but I have a bad feeling about this" said Bobby. "Dad"? said Anna. "Anna? No I must be dreaming you are dead we found your blood" said Bobby. "No dad I am not dead, you will be though when I come out of here" said Anna. "What why"? asked Bobby shocked. "Because you left mom when se needed you the most dad, you have left her for her" said Anna pointing towards Polaris. "Wait a minute you want to kill your father for that? Your mother choose the wrong path" said Wolverine. "You have to shut up cause you never helped my mother, you only thought about yourself and your Jeannie" said Anna angry. Rogue looked at the ground and said: "Anna he is right, I pushed your father away, I took him for granted and that was my mistake not his, you have to forgive your father". "What no, Xavier stop controlling her" said Anna angry. "This is all Rogue Anna, the Rogue we all know and love is coming to her senses again. "I am an X-Men Anna and I always will be and I will always love your father, I always knew that cause I could never kill him" said Rogue. "And he always loved you" said Polaris. "What"? said Rogue. "Well Bobby always loved you, tell her Bobby you know that we wont work" said Polaris. "Lorna no" said Bobby. "Yes Bobby we are threw" said Polaris and she took of her ring and gave it back to Bobby. "Thanks Lorna" said Bobby sad. "You belong with Rogue and we all know that" said Polaris. Bobby walked over to Rogue and said: "I am so sorry for the way I acted, I was so confused and you were becoming so evil and I let you, please forgive me" said Bobby. Rogue hugged Bobby and said: "I forgive you, but we still need to work things out". "I know" said Bobby with a smile.

"Professor"? said a voice. "Phoenix" yelled Xavier. "No professor it is me Jean" said Jean walking out the shadows. "Jeannie" said Wolverine. "Hi big guy" said Jean. "What is happening you are normal" said Xavier. "Because of our bracelets they are preventing us from using our powers" said Jean. "Are there more people here besides the X-Men and the Hellfire Club"? asked Rogue. "Yes come out everyone they are here" yelled Jean. Kurt, Ororo, Betsy, Scott, Warren, Amara, Z'Cann, Julian and the brotherhood came walking towards them. "Charles my old friend what brings you here"? asked Magneto. "Hello Eric, well it looks like we are all caught here" said Xavier. "You are right professor they even caught me before I took my plane" said Scott. "Who is behind it"? asked Mystique. "Your son and Kurt and Rogue's brother Graydon Creed" said Xavier. "What no" said Mystique. "he is right mother" said Kurt. "We have to think of a plan to get out of here" said Ororo. "Well our powers really don't work cause I tried them over and over again" said Rogue. "Me to I even can't get my claws out" said Wolverine. "But the good thing is that all the X-Men are together" said Rogue smiling towards Xavier. "Yes indeed my child I only wish it was under other circumstances" said Xavier.

More and more mutants came towards them, all in panic and yelling. After a while a big bolt of light shined on everyone and Graydon took his place on a stage. "Hello filthy mutants, you all are mine now. I took you all here to Slave Island, my Island and you are the slaves. Your bracelets are a decide of mine, if you even try to leave you will be electrocuted and this is not some toy you will be out for a couple of days, you all have to obey my orders. All I can say now have fun and for I forget there will be a game here, some Sentinels will come here and destroy or take some of you away you have the chance to get away but no one escaped a Sentinel before hahaha" laughed Graydon and the lights fell out again.

Everyone looked at each other and Anna said: "Okay we all are enemies here but we have to work together to get away from here, I feel like we can do this even without our powers because we have each other our friends and family". "You are quite right Anna but this will be a tough battle" said Xavier worried.

 

[PhoenixRisen]

Good job malerogue glad to see you are back to your books!!! I only got through part one because I am a slow reader but I love the line Rogue says, "First ya steal my man and now ya wanna keep me from getting ultimate power? you are even more stupid then I thought"!!! Can't wait to read Part 2 next!!

 

[Goddessreicho]

It's nice to Ro get back to her roots. Was that demon the Shadow King?

 

[MaleRogue]

Yes....
This was what I planned for Ro that is why I got all offensive