*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[Erzengel]

And always add, "What are we going to do about this?"

 

[Dark Phantom]

I need some advice. This is coming from someone who has inner conflict. think of it as man versus himself.

I'm feeling this void. I have yet to meet someone who could make me selfless. Due to some unfulfilling relationships, I've made a point that just because i could be in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean I should. I thought, it's wrong to use romance as a way to fill in this empty uncertain void in my life, if i know that eventually in the future it will end. So i'm waiting..... and it's annoying. I'm tired of going through these phases of feeling independent and dependent once i get what i thought i wanted. There is absolutley no satisfaction with anything i do.

How do you guys cope? Am I alone in thinking this?

 

[Aesop Rocks]

I'm kind of in the same boat with you, Phantom. But then again, I get into a relationship and get bored of the person a few weeks later.

 

[BlackLantern]

I need some advice. This is coming from someone who has inner conflict. think of it as man versus himself.

I'm feeling this void. I have yet to meet someone who could make me selfless. Due to some unfulfilling relationships, I've made a point that just because i could be in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean I should. I thought, it's wrong to use romance as a way to fill in this empty uncertain void in my life, if i know that eventually in the future it will end. So i'm waiting..... and it's annoying. I'm tired of going through these phases of feeling independent and dependent once i get what i thought i wanted. There is absolutley no satisfaction with anything i do.

How do you guys cope? Am I alone in thinking this?

yea....a relationship should be about two people who share common things...not people looking to fill a void or replace something missing

but many people do that and it really does no one any good

 

[NotAHenchwench]

I need some advice. This is coming from someone who has inner conflict. think of it as man versus himself.

I'm feeling this void. I have yet to meet someone who could make me selfless. Due to some unfulfilling relationships, I've made a point that just because i could be in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean I should. I thought, it's wrong to use romance as a way to fill in this empty uncertain void in my life, if i know that eventually in the future it will end. So i'm waiting..... and it's annoying. I'm tired of going through these phases of feeling independent and dependent once i get what i thought i wanted. There is absolutley no satisfaction with anything i do.

How do you guys cope? Am I alone in thinking this?

It's all on you. You are the one who makes yourself feel one way or the other. If you want to feel selfless, that's your prerogative. You have to fix yourself before anyone else can fill your void. You're correct in knowing that romance cannot fix those kinds of phases/problems.

I just found myself happy to be me, to be just with me, completely independent. Then, I was able to integrate someone else into my life. Someone who has similar life goals and also values their independence.

 

[BlackLantern]

And always add, "What are we going to do about this?"

that's the clincher, right there

 

[Dark Phantom]

I'm kind of in the same boat with you, Phantom. But then again, I get into a relationship and get bored of the person a few weeks later.

kindred spirits, bro

yea....a relationship should be about two people who share common things...not people looking to fill a void or replace something missing

but many people do that and it really does no one any good

From what I observe, people see what they want to see. Most relationships are just illusions because people are afraid to die alone. So sometimes lies are necessary to preserve happiness. Ignorance is bliss.

It's all on you. You are the one who makes yourself feel one way or the other. If you want to feel selfless, that's your prerogative. You have to fix yourself before anyone else can fill your void. You're correct in knowing that romance cannot fix those kinds of phases/problems.

I just found myself happy to be me, to be just with me, completely independent. Then, I was able to integrate someone else into my life. Someone who has similar life goals and also values their independence.

I am quite aware that i have to rely upon myself to make things better. yet, i wonder if im kidding myself. do i really have the capacity to change? ive desperatley tried to change over the years and what i've found is that i cant fight who i am. Unhappiness, cynicism, and a lack of satisfaction is inherent in my personality and i cant avoid it. so im on, and have been for a long time, the independent route. but im still wondering, how much longer do i have to wait?

 

[Hound55]

And always add, "What are we going to do about this?"

"I'd like to cash this, please." Is also acceptable...

 

[Erzengel]

kindred spirits, bro



From what I observe, people see what they want to see. Most relationships are just illusions because people are afraid to die alone. So sometimes lies are necessary to preserve happiness. Ignorance is bliss.



I am quite aware that i have to rely upon myself to make things better. yet, i wonder if im kidding myself. do i really have the capacity to change? ive desperatley tried to change over the years and what i've found is that i cant fight who i am. Unhappiness, cynicism, and a lack of satisfaction is inherent in my personality and i cant avoid it. so im on, and have been for a long time, the independent route. but im still wondering, how much longer do i have to wait?

Congratulations welcome to your late teens.

Do you know how common it is for teenagers and people in the early twenties to be so "jaded" to relationships when they have little to no experience in terms of dating?

Even the ones that do date, do you think that dating in high school, or dating in college is the same as dating after college?

So if you want to wallow in the whole esoteric, I'm alone and relationships are all illusions that's your prerogative.

My advice to you you?

You're 19. Go out, live life, meet some girls, try to have some sex, get into a relationship, break up, and repeat until you find a girl that you actually do connect with.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

She used to be interested, you put yourself in the friendzone. You're whole situation reads like a users guide on how not to get laid. Also, why didn't you take a shower before meeting a girl you like?

I dont know how I put myself in the friend zone by asking her out all the time and always telling her how lovely she looks and that I really like her and to be honest getting laid wasnt my first priority with this girl, I just wanted to take her out and see how it went but her behaviour since those first few weeks has left me confused and a little jaded. I didnt get a shower because I didnt know i'd be meeting her for sure and me and my friends always play sports then go straight for a drink, non of us get a shower and she knows this as we have been doing it for years in the bar were she works.

She still stayed with me all night chatting and then the weekend came and she was back to ignoring me, despite the fact she knew i'd be coming in the bar, I just really dont get it and havent spoke to her for almost a week now. To go from the first point were she was asking her parents if I could stay in her house before we'd even gone on a date to now either being all over me or ignoring me has me totally confused and I dont know if I can be bothered anymore to be honest. I dont know whether our ages have become a factor as she is 8 years younger than me.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I am quite aware that i have to rely upon myself to make things better. yet, i wonder if im kidding myself. do i really have the capacity to change? ive desperatley tried to change over the years and what i've found is that i cant fight who i am. Unhappiness, cynicism, and a lack of satisfaction is inherent in my personality and i cant avoid it. so im on, and have been for a long time, the independent route. but im still wondering, how much longer do i have to wait?

I've given this advice to tons of other people on this thread, find a hobby and work on that. When I was single and annoyed with the usual ways to find someone, I just started doing things for myself. Started running with a club, joined some recreational sports teams, just generally did things to make myself happier, I wasn't trying to fill a void when I met my girlfriend, that was already filled, she just made things even better. Also having a hobby makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, shows you have/will have a life outside of her and there's something in your life you're passonite about. My girlfriend loves that I run and encourages that aspect of my life.

 

[david icke]

I've given this advice to tons of other people on this thread, find a hobby and work on that. When I was single and annoyed with the usual ways to find someone, I just started doing things for myself. Started running with a club, joined some recreational sports teams, just generally did things to make myself happier, I wasn't trying to fill a void when I met my girlfriend, that was already filled, she just made things even better. Also having a hobby makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, shows you have/will have a life outside of her and there's something in your life you're passonite about. My girlfriend loves that I run and encourages that aspect of my life.

Yeah, and along with this good advice...a female friend of mine, who was in a band I did a lot of gigs with, started dating a guy who put on gigs, played in bands etc, he was a great guy and I was v surprised when she told me that she was thinking of dumping him. and it was because he had become so devoted to her, that he now spent all his time doing things around her, and had stopped doing all the things that had made her interested in him in the first place, gigs, music, etc.
edit: and just to be clear...it was not really because she was starting to find him boring, she said it was more that she felt she was genuinely having a negative effect on him, and he had stopped being himself. So the key is to not lose yourself, as being with the right person can be like a drug or whatever, so just be careful with that, you could get boring real fast.

 

[Anita18]

Congratulations welcome to your late teens.

Do you know how common it is for teenagers and people in the early twenties to be so "jaded" to relationships when they have little to no experience in terms of dating?

Even the ones that do date, do you think that dating in high school, or dating in college is the same as dating after college?

So if you want to wallow in the whole esoteric, I'm alone and relationships are all illusions that's your prerogative.

My advice to you you?

You're 19. Go out, live life, meet some girls, try to have some sex, get into a relationship, break up, and repeat until you find a girl that you actually do connect with.

Seriously.

I'm a completely different person than I was at 19, and I'm only 26. (And people always mistake me for being 5 years older than I really am!) People change so much at that age in general, figuring out life and how they fit into things.

I've only had 2 boyfriends, one at 19 and my current one at 25, and even though I haven't had a lot of "practice," the way I'm approaching my second relationship is completely different from my first. That's because I've changed.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I dont know how I put myself in the friend zone by asking her out all the time and always telling her how lovely she looks and that I really like her and to be honest getting laid wasnt my first priority with this girl, I just wanted to take her out and see how it went but her behaviour since those first few weeks has left me confused and a little jaded. I didnt get a shower because I didnt know i'd be meeting her for sure and me and my friends always play sports then go straight for a drink, non of us get a shower and she knows this as we have been doing it for years in the bar were she works.

She still stayed with me all night chatting and then the weekend came and she was back to ignoring me, despite the fact she knew i'd be coming in the bar, I just really dont get it and havent spoke to her for almost a week now. To go from the first point were she was asking her parents if I could stay in her house before we'd even gone on a date to now either being all over me or ignoring me has me totally confused and I dont know if I can be bothered anymore to be honest. I dont know whether our ages have become a factor as she is 8 years younger than me.

You're giving her mixed signals, you ask her out, then cancel, which admittedly was due to circumstances out of your control. However, doing it twice in a row shows she's very low on the priority list, if you wanted to see her, you wouldn't done it. Then this past Friday, you leave with a kiss on the cheek, that says you're my friend, not a potential girlfriend. Also, do you only see her when she's working at this bar? Is that where she ignored you Saturday? Was the bar busy?

You've screwed this up yourself by sending mixed signals, from everything you've said, she could very well being thinking exactly like you. I was hanging out with this guy all night on Friday and when he left I just decided to put things out there and asked for a hug and kiss, all he did was kiss me on the cheek though. What's up with this guy?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

You're giving her mixed signals, you ask her out, then cancel, which admittedly was due to circumstances out of your control. However, doing it twice in a row shows she's very low on the priority list, if you wanted to see her, you wouldn't done it. Then this past Friday, you leave with a kiss on the cheek, that says you're my friend, not a potential girlfriend. Also, do you only see her when she's working at this bar? Is that where she ignored you Saturday? Was the bar busy?

You've screwed this up yourself by sending mixed signals, from everything you've said, she could very well being thinking exactly like you. I was hanging out with this guy all night on Friday and when he left I just decided to put things out there and asked for a hug and kiss, all he did was kiss me on the cheek though. What's up with this guy?

Okay, what about the times since I have asked her out and the countless times I have told her I liked her?

In all honesty, my question is is there anything I can do to salvage this?

 

[BlackLantern]

nope....once a woman thinks she's got no interest from a guy, it's pretty much done at that point

 

[Erzengel]

It seems like a lot of missed opportunities.

If she asked for a kiss, I would have planted one on her lips.

And she just seems too wishy, washy about spending time with you and if you've been direct and asked her out and she comes up with reasons she can't consistently, either she's not interested or she's playing games.

Either way, if an opportunity presents itself be aggressive, but I'd put her on the back burner and try meeting new people.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

^Fair enough, thanks peeps.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Okay, what about the times since I have asked her out

She probably doesn't think you're reliable to actually follow through on a date, so why set something up. She'll let you know where she is, but doesn't want to clear her schedule for the night.

and the countless times I have told her I liked her?

Your words say one thing, while your actions say another. You say how much you like her, then when she wants a kiss, you go for the cheek, so in her mind, you probably like her as a friend or sister, nothing more.

In all honesty, my question is is there anything I can do to salvage this?

Nope, you screwed up, time to move on and learn from this experience. Truthfully, this weekend you probably missed an opportunity for this to be even a friends with benefits relationship. Which I know isn't what you want, but would be better than what you have.

 

[david icke]

Okay, what about the times since I have asked her out and the countless times I have told her I liked her?

In all honesty, my question is is there anything I can do to salvage this?

I have been reading your posts on this jamon, and you have my sympathies man, I have been in this position before, and i am no expert, so take this advice with a pinch of salt, but i think it might be sound....
just play it cool around her for a few weeks, don't be *as* friendly, and I don't mean, don't be nice, I mean hang around there as normal, but don't sit with her all night like you are now best buds or anything. Keep something of yourself to yourself, and let her know that there is something about you she is missing out on. You are a smart, interesting guy, so this kind of vibe will be easy for you to give off. Because, there is a part of you she will not get to know unless she is with you that way, and it is probably that intrigue that interested her in you in the first place, you probably seemed more inetersting than the other guys who frequent the bar, she will get hit on all the time I bet.
So, play it cool MrBond, but y'know, not in a jerky mystery man way, although with a little of that without the jerky. That is the best way to have any chance of rekindling that kind of interest from her again I would say.

edit: and reading other people's responses....maybe i don't know jack, but if she was *that* inetersted in you, and some daft circumsatnces gave her the wrong signals, I don't know, there may be a chance, but I don't want to give you false hope or bad advice, but I don't agree with this 'once a woman thinks you are not interested it's over' thing, that is no set rule, they know that daft things can get in the way, sometimes it is just down to dumb luck that way, so i would put her on the backburner as erzangel said, and look out for other people, but, 'y'know, if she was really that interested in you and daft things got in the way, and you are going to be around her anyway, I would play it cool and see what happens.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

^Okay thanks

 

[Erzengel]

I have been reading your posts on this jamon, and you have my sympathies man, I have been in this position before, and i am not expert so take this advice with a pinch of salt, but i think it might be sound....
just play it cool around her for a few weeks, don't be *as* friendly, and I don't mean, don't be nice, I mean hang around there as normal, but don't sit with her all night like you are now best buds or anything. Keep something of yourself to yourself, and let her know that there is something about you she is missing out on. You are a smart, interesting guy, so this kind of vibe will be easy for you to give off. Because, there is a part of you she will not get to know unless she is with you that way, and it is probably that intrigue that interested her in you in the first place, you probably seemed more inetersting than the other guys who frequent the bar, she will get hit on all the time I bet.
So, play it cool MrBond, but y'know, not in a jerky mystery man way, although with a little of that without the jerky. That is the best way to have any chance of rekindling that kind of interest from her again I would say.

I'm assuming that this girl works at one of Jamon's favorite bars. But I disagree he should keep going there essentially waiting for a bus that probably isn't coming.

It just comes off as a little desperate if he keeps showing up while trying to play it cool in order for her to give her the time of day.

I mean I'm not saying he should stop going there but don't exactly show up coincidently the same time she's working and try to do some sort of jedi mind trick on her for her to all of a sudden see him differently.

 

[david icke]

sorry, that double psoted somehow when i went in for an edit

 

[david icke]

I'm assuming that this girl works at one of Jamon's favorite bars. But I disagree he should keep going there essentially waiting for a bus that probably isn't coming.

It just comes off as a little desperate if he keeps showing up while trying to play it cool in order for her to give her the time of day.

I mean I'm not saying he should stop going there but don't exactly show up coincidently the same time she's working and try to do some sort of jedi mind trick on her for her to all of a sudden see him differently.

I didn't mean to go there when she works there specifically, I got the fact that he would be there anyway, and they had mutual friends.
and I wasn't meaning to 'jedi -mind trick' her either, what i meant was that if he wanted any chance of her seeing him in the way she did initially, he shouldn't be completely out there and showing her everything about himself, because there will be no mystery there, and she will wonder what the point of going on a date with him is, if he is showing her his whole personality anyway at the bar.
edit: but, y'know, maybe he already did that, so maybe she is thinking they already had a kind of date, and that could be a problem, as it is a totally different thing to be sitting talking with each other when a large group of friends are there also, and going out one to one. You can kind of give yourself away on a demonstartion date without actually being on one, without realising, but without having the added benefit of the intimate vibe that a date brings. so, you don't give yourself a real chance there.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I'm assuming that this girl works at one of Jamon's favorite bars. But I disagree he should keep going there essentially waiting for a bus that probably isn't coming.

It just comes off as a little desperate if he keeps showing up while trying to play it cool in order for her to give her the time of day.

I mean I'm not saying he should stop going there but don't exactly show up coincidently the same time she's working and try to do some sort of jedi mind trick on her for her to all of a sudden see him differently.

I'm normally already there when she turns up, or depending on work I may just walk in as she starts, but I never know what time she is actually starting so who knows, at the moment I just aint gonna get my hopes and see what happens, its inevitable we will run into each at least once a weekend so we'll see I guess. I personally wish it was someone I didnt know previously it would make it a lot easier to ignore her.

The good thing is I have a lot coming up over the next couple of months so wont see her as much as I usually do. This may work either for or against me, who knows in all honesty?